


all eyes on you

by aquariusblues



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, Getting Together, Haters to friends to lovers, M/M, Self-Discovery, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, and growth, dance au, every chapter covers one year, it's a rocky start you've been warned, jihoon is a proud freshman and soonyoung is way too friendly, lol, that's the gist of it... svt au where they all go to a dance/performing arts college
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-01-23 12:10:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 104,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21319978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquariusblues/pseuds/aquariusblues
Summary: The thing is – Jihoon has no desire to speak to Soonyoung. Sure the guy has appeared in a few of his classes, but Jihoon is busy focusing on improving his own skills instead of mingling with the new loud kid. So he stays in his corner stretching and watches boys and girls ask Soonyoung all about his life and ignores how Soonyoung’s smile seems way too bright for someone who danced alone in the dark.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 260
Kudos: 774





	1. Year One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!!
> 
> \- i shouldn't be allowed to post a new fic when i promised to finish other stuff first but i have had this ready for almost three months and i can't wait anymore sorry ><  
\- i just really wanted to write haters to lovers lmfao there's a rocky start to all of this woooops also the chapters will each cover a year ~  
\- i don't know how long this will take to complete i'm in my last semester of uni so workload is intense but i do write most when under pressure so we'll see  
\- disclaimer idk much about dance sorry if smth is totally wrong  
\- just want to say thank you for even clicking on this story;--; i hope this is an enjoyable ride to read as always i'm happy to provide more howoo <3

The first time Jihoon sees him it’s a late spring day. There’s a chilly breeze that ruffles his overgrown bangs into his eyes as he walks back to his dorm and it's not yet cold enough to need a jacket. Jihoon revels in it. The feel of subtle coldness against his skin before the summer heat arrives and swallows him whole in humidity. He takes his time enjoying every whisper of the wind on the dimly lit walkway by the river. The solidarity. Thoughts blown away when cicadas start their cries or a car drives by too quickly. 

He was offered a ride home by his employers – first ones since he started university four months ago – but a walk seemed nicer. More appropriate. A way to clear his mind and cool his head. It’s a little past midnight and Jihoon has Hip Hop class in the morning, sure, but it’s not like the average college student doesn’t have a night with sleeping luxury cut short. Even a college student who barely gets hired. 

So he keeps walking. Slowly. And tries not to think about anything at all. 

Jihoon sees the boy as he’s nearing campus, down by the river on a flat patch of grass where the streetlight doesn’t reach but a moving silhouette isn’t too difficult to discern. He’s dancing and something about the dance, the sharp movements, the professional smoothness of his arms surprises Jihoon as he stops by a tall tree to watch him dance. Jihoon’s chest heaves when it hits him too quickly that the boy by the river is everything he’s not.

He is perfect.

Not too tall like Jun, not too wide like Seungcheol, and not too skinny like Wonwoo. His legs are long and strong and when he turns, his hair flies around him like a cloud, the movement in each of his limbs extending all the way to the tips of his fingers. It's too far to really hear, but there's a pop song playing from a small stereo nearby, not that it matters when the boy's body seems to be thrumming as it is, music or not. It’s incredible to watch and Jihoon holds his breath as the boy completes a three turn spin like it’s nothing considering he’s dancing on grass. Jihoon bets guys like him have no problem getting hired for proper jobs where creeps don’t salivate over his size.

Jihoon’s nails dig into the tree trunk and he finally looks away. He should go home. It’s late. He throws one last glance down at the boy below and swears he hears a Shinee song start playing but he isn’t sure.

_ He should go sleep_, Jihoon thinks despite the strange jealousy in his chest and walks slowly towards his dorm thinking of the boy dancing under the moonlight and wondering where he’s from.

★

“How was yesterday?” His supervisor asks him the next day. Lia has been his Lyrics and Jazz teacher since High School, so he knows her well, but still he sits quietly in front of her for the internship recap and doesn’t answer. There’s something black under his nails and he tries to pick it out instead. “Jihoon, it was your first job,” she prompts, trying to get some information out of him.

“Wasn’t very good,” Jihoon admits after a moment. “Their demands were a bit…” Her brows furrow and Jihoon straightens up, clearing his throat. “Just kind of uncomfortable,” he gives an easy smile but Lia looks tense. “It didn’t feel like I was there because of my skills.” 

“Jihoon… If they did anything–“

“No,” he answers quickly. “I just danced in front of a camera and they seemed to enjoy it too much,” he says with a short laugh and doesn’t mention that they made him do it shirtless. Sometimes he doesn’t know what he’s doing at this school at all. He’s good. He’s _ very _ good, but then shit like that happens all because he’s a few centimeters shorter than his peers.

“I saw someone,” he adds suddenly, to distract himself of the thoughts he doesn’t want to have. “This boy was dancing at the park when I walked home. He was very good.” His teacher watches him then nods finally, still hesitating to drop their previous conversation. 

"Who was it?"

"I don't know... I haven't seen him before. Could've been an upperclassman." Though he didn't look it, cheeks round and youthful even from far.

“You don’t compliment others often,” Lia notes and Jihoon shrugs.

“He was interesting. I’ve never seen anyone move so effortlessly like that,” he says casually and Lia nods. “I need to go to class,” he excuses then, getting up and dips his head in a polite bow. 

“Next time take someone to a job with you, okay? If I am available I can come as well." It's a promise and Jihoon appreciates it. 

“It was my first job,” he says. “In the four months since I started university that was the only type of job I was able to get.”

“It was unfortunate,” she agrees. “But you’re good Jihoon, and there will be more opportunities.” 

He nods, because there’s not much else to say, and gets up to leave for his swing workshop and works harder and harder to make sure last night never happens again.

★

For the next month, much like the first half of the semester, he keeps practicing, choreographing his hip hop routine and even asks Jeonghan to teach him proper_ tour en l'air_ since he has some free time for it.

He doesn’t tell anyone about the job. Cheol asks, so do some of his other friends, but Jihoon doesn’t feel like explaining anything so he tells everyone it was just fine. Nothing he can do about it now, at least the employers gave him a good evaluation and even sent an absurd amount for tip. He doesn't get any other jobs, though some school groups take him in for their choreographies. No money in that, but he enjoys performing on stage.

It’s the end of the semester when people start talking about a new student and Jihoon is on his third bowl of rice when the conversation finally interests him. 

“Apparently they want him to double major,” Jun says, brows up in his fringe. “He studies at the Business School but he’s good enough that Lia-nim made the board offer him a scholarship!”

“Scholarship?” Jihoon echoes. Their college was notoriously impossible to get scholarships for. The only other person in their year who had one was Jeonghan. 

Jun nods fervently, eyes lit from excitement of meeting someone new but Jihoon knows Jun just really likes gossip. 

“I heard they literally picked him off the street. Something about him dancing in the middle of the night by the river, sounds too poetic to be true,” Jun laughs but Jihoon feels frozen. 

“When is he auditioning?” Cheol asks, mouth full of food. 

“I don’t know? Probably soon. Lia-nim cancelled Lyrical.” Right, Jihoon is also in that class but he would’ve never assumed it's because of the boy in the park.

“Probably today then,” Wonwoo voices his thoughts and Jihoon stays quiet until he excuses himself once the conversation changes to everyone’s recital progresses. He hurries to where they usually have class and isn’t surprised when he sees the boy, same round cheeks and long legs, through the window of the studio door.

Under the light he can finally see him slightly better. His hair is black and Jihoon can only see his profile but his nose is small and his eyes are narrow and sharp and Jihoon still holds his breath when he watches him dance. 

“Really? He picked an idol song?” He hears behind him and steps quickly away from the window meeting eyes with a smiling Cheol. “You’re easy to predict, you know.”

Jihoon doesn’t say anything to that, going back to watch the dancing boy.

“He’s really good,” his voice is quiet and he hates how in awe he sounds. Something about the way he moves, the way his expression is intense and burning… It makes Jihoon want to dance too. “Business major? Really?”

“Not surprising,” Cheol says in a way that reminds Jihoon that he’s almost a year older. “It takes a lot to follow this path even if he is really good.”

“This path,” Jihoon repeats and laughs. “Yeah… Not everyone is dumb like us.”

“I don’t think what we’re doing is stupid, it’s just harder.”

“That makes us even more stupid,” Jihoon says softly and when he looks at the boy again smiling wide as he talks to the teachers evaluating him, he thinks, in spite of himself, that a face so expressive really is meant for the stage.

★

The boy gets in on a full scholarship. His name is Kwon Soonyoung and he’ll be double majoring along with Business because (according to Jun’s questionable sources) otherwise he’d get disowned by his parents. He’s only officially starting next semester but Jihoon still somehow sees him everywhere since Jun has completely taken him under his wing introducing Soonyoung to all of their friends. 

“He’s a cool guy,” Cheol tells him excitedly one evening before bed. “Have you spoken to him at all yet?”

Jihoon is facing the wall and doesn’t respond so Cheol lets the conversation drop assuming he's asleep. The thing is, Jihoon has no desire to speak to Soonyoung. Sure the guy has appeared in a few of his classes, but Jihoon is busy focusing on improving his own skills instead of mingling with the new loud kid. So he stays in his corner stretching and watches boys and girls ask Soonyoung all about his life and ignores how Soonyoung’s smile seems way too bright for someone who danced alone in the dark.

★

Needless to say Soonyoung is loved by everyone immediately. Jeonghan thinks he’s adorable, Seungcheol thinks he’s the funniest person in the world, Jun finds him deeply interesting, and although Wonwoo pretends not to care Jihoon can tell he thinks well of him with how much he name drops him in every conversation. The only person who seems immune to the Soonyoung’s charm is Jihoon himself.

“Overhyped,” Jihoon mutters one time over lunch watching the way the cafeteria dynamics are shifting around this new boy. For a moment he considers stopping being so rude and giving Soonyoung a chance, but Soonyoung suddenly meets his eyes across the cafeteria and Jihoon looks back to his second bowl of rice. _Or maybe not, _he thinks.

Soonyoung does approach him eventually. It’s mid-way through July and it’s boiling hot on campus and Jihoon is for once spending some time outside hoping that maybe these ten minutes he’s willing to tolerate the sun will add some color to his skin.

“Lee Jihoon?” He hears when a sudden shadow covers his face. He opens one of his eyes and sees Soonyoung standing above him smiling that stupid bright smile and sure maybe the sun is finally covered but something even more annoying still shines in his face.

Jihoon sits up and squints up at him. “Yeah?” 

“I’m Kwon Soonyoung,” he says reaching out a hand and Jihoon keeps staring at him.

“Okay… Can I help you?”

“You’re the only person I haven’t introduced myself to yet.”

“You’ve met everyone else in the dance program?”

“Well you’re the only person I heard so much about but still haven’t properly met,” Soonyoung crouches down so he’s right in front of him and Jihoon’s eyes narrow at the offered hand until Soonyoung pulls away. “Everyone talks about you. Apparently you’re the best of the year!” He grins wider and Jihoon feels his chest contract from the compliment. It still feels good to hear that, even from someone as people pleasing as Soonyoung. “And I’ve seen you dance, you’re really _really _great! I think I’ll have a lot to learn from you!”

Jihoon continues to stare at him wordlessly and he can tell Soonyoung feels nervous under his gaze but he doesn’t back down. 

“Why didn’t you apply to this program immediately?”

Soonyoung blinks. “What?”

“You’re a great dancer and clearly you’re way too happy to be here. So why didn’t you just apply as a dancer right away?”

Soonyoung eyes widen slightly, surprised at the question and then something strange… Something darker shifts quickly through his face and disappears until only a small smile remains. “I love dancing,” he says, one side of his mouth tugging up. “That’s what matters the most doesn’t it?”

“Amongst other things.”

“Hmm,” Soonyoung agrees and sits down more comfortably by Jihoon’s side which irritates him greatly. “Why do you dance Lee Jihoon?”

Jihoon looks at Soonyoung, the way his dark hair is messy and seems to stick to his forehead from the humidity. It’s hot, but it’s less hot in the shade, yet Jihoon can still see a drop of sweat stick to Soonyoung’s temple. He looks away.

“Because I love it,” Jihoon says honestly and Soonyoung smiles like he loves that answer. 

“It’s kind of simple isn’t it… To do what we love,” Soonyoung’s voice is quiet like he doesn’t quite himself believe it. Then he looks over at Jihoon and shows teeth in a sweet grin. “I’m happy to finally meet you Lee Jihoon, I hope we can work together some time.”

Jihoon nods, laying back down and closes his eyes and doesn’t say anything else and neither does Soonyoung and when Jihoon opens his eyes again a few minutes later to grab some water, Soonyoung is gone.

★

“I met him,” Jihoon tells Seungcheol later that night.

“Finally!” He grins mid-way through taking off his clothes to go shower. “What did you think?”

“I think he’s simple," Jihoon offers, scrolling through his phone to pick out a running playlist for his jog next morning. “But he is talented.” 

“I think if you get to know him, you’ll really like him,” Cheol says but Jihoon already put his earphones in and pressed play.

★

Jihoon has been dancing all his life. Even his earliest memory takes place in a dance studio with his mom behind him guiding his arms into fourth position. His mom was a professional ballerina in her prime days and his father directed one of her concerts which is how they met. It was his mom’s dream for him to follow her path, so he’s taken ballet lessons ever since he could walk which eventually stretched out into Lyrical and Jazz and Hip Hop until he could handle any genre. He was scouted back in 8th grade to go to a prep performance high school and now he’s in Pledis where his mom is also an alumni. He has been hardworking and talented and incredible at anything he does. All of his teachers have always told him he has a bright future, his parents had hope for him. What nobody expected was for Jihoon to never have a growth spurt. Everyone in his family is tall, so what’s wrong with him?

“Boys grow until their early twenties,” his mother tells him over the phone on one of their weekly calls and Jihoon has to restrain himself from hanging up the phone.

He doesn’t care. He really doesn’t. Nothing about his daily life is hindered by his height – not even his dancing – but he still feels like this lifelong mission his parents were planning for him has failed when he didn’t reach 180cm.

“I’m fine mom,” he replies, although she didn’t ask. “I’ll call you next week.”

Cheol is on the bed nearby and watches Jihoon when he puts his phone aside.

“What do I need to eat to grow tall?” Jihoon asks but doesn’t meet his eyes.

“You’re fine the way you are,” Cheol says meaningfully and Jihoon looks over at him.

“Thanks. Please tell my mom that next time you schmooze up to her.”

Seungcheol grins. “You got it.”

★

When summer comes to a close there is a recital for the end of the semester and Jihoon has his first college solo on Hip Hop and Jazz night.

It went amazingly. Jihoon loves performing, he wouldn’t stick so long to dance if he didn’t love being on stage. He loves the blinding lights that hide the full audience, the loudness of the music, performing perfectly every move he took weeks and weeks to memorize, and the feeling of sweat running off his skin when he disappears backstage afterwards. He loves the compliments, too, his teachers telling him how much he has improved since starting university, his friends telling him did amazing, Jeonghan approving the perfected _tour en l'air_ he added. He loves it all and he soaks it in a quiet humble way, but he can’t help but smile either. 

Soonyoung is at the show too and he’s with Wonwoo when they come to congratulate him. Wonwoo pats Jihoon on the back telling him he did well while Soonyoung seems to be standing on shaking legs. They haven’t spoken since that one time, only small exchanges in whatever class they see each other in or if he sits at their table for lunch, and Jihoon can tell that somehow he makes Soonyoung very nervous.

“You were amazing,” Soonyoung pauses as if collecting words for a moment. “Your stage presence… With the way you usually ignore me I would’ve never been able to tell you can be so expressive!” He means it as a compliment but it comes out a little questionable and Wonwoo laughs loudly while Jihoon’s eyes narrow. “I meant that in a good way! You’re just… You’re really good on stage! Like your energy? I wanted to be up there with you, you were having so much fun!”

“Thanks, Soonyoung,” Jihoon says just to spare him. 

“You’re not a hip hop dancer, right?” Soonyoung adds then and Jihoon is surprised at the question.

“He’s more classical and lyrical,” Wonwoo answers for him.

Soonyoung nods and smiles without saying anything else. 

“Why?” Jihoon asks then, his voice slightly sharp.

“Oh! I didn’t mean it in a bad way just… Well… Some of your moves were just, really smooth, almost elegant… It was so interesting. Nothing like the hip hop I usually see. It was… Special? New? I didn’t know people could make hip hop look so graceful.” 

Jihoon’s brows rise at the words and he feels Wonwoo watching him closely as if sensing Jihoon’s inner turmoil at wanting to accept Soonyoung’s compliment but also refusing to give him the satisfaction.

“Thank you,” Jihoon says finally, voice quiet as he looks around hoping for an escape before seeing his hip hop teacher in the corner of the room. “I’ll go check about my evaluation,” he says as farewell and leaves them, hating how he loved every word Soonyoung said.

★

The rest of the hot and humid summer traps Jihoon in air-conditioned dance rooms and later on a train to Busan to enjoy the last few days of his vacation on the beach before second semester starts. Busan is hotter than Seoul, but it’s home and Jihoon enjoys an early morning jog with his father that ends with toes wet in ocean water and a freshly cooked breakfast waiting at home. 

He’s not very close with his parents, but he’s not strangers with them either. They just want a lot from him, things he just cannot give, and it doesn’t matter how many vitamins his mom slips in with his breakfast tea or connections his dad has in Seoul. There are some expectations Jihoon can’t reach and although he has come to peace with it, being at home makes him think that maybe he shouldn’t have.

Cheol: _yo im back today u not here?_

Jihoon: _busan_

Cheol: _shit funn!! tell ur parents I say hi_

“Seungcheol says hello,” Jihoon mentions over dinner the night before he leaves. His mom smiles immediately. She is obsessed with him. She's even invited him to visit a few times over the last few years without telling Jihoon first.

“How is he doing at university?” She asks enthusiastically.

“Great. He’s not as good as Jeonghan, but he’s worked for a few idol comebacks already.”

“Of course he has, he has always been a hard worker,” his dad says as if he’s some stereotypical try-hard version of a stern father trying to nitpick his son. Jihoon looks over at him and keeps eating without answering.

“Tell Seungcheollie he should come visit over the winter holidays,” his mom urges him and Jihoon doesn't want Cheol ever coming back here after last time.

“Or you’ll tell him?” Jihoon mutters under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Of course mother,” he says instead. “But I’m sure he wants to spend holidays with his own family.”

“Well, do ask him." Jihoon only stares down at his plate.

He really doesn’t know why he came home. It’s just for a few days, he tells himself, but it’s miserable and he can feel his parents’ anxiety about his future seeping through every cell in his body, comparing him to everyone that Jihoon is not.

_ I’ll be fine_, he wants to tell them. He believes it, so why can’t they?

★

The first class back is Jazz and Jihoon is ten minutes early as always, stretching in the corner, reaching for his toes covered in worn out jazz shoes as the practice room fills with people. Every semester each student picks a concentration. Last semester it was Hip Hop, this semester Jihoon is doing Jazz which means he’ll be taking this class every day. As soon as the thought runs through his mind the door swings open and a loud laugh bounces off the walls and Jihoon stares at his shoe hoping that he heard wrong.

“Lee Jihoon!” He hears after a quick minute and looks up slowly to Soonyoung standing above him. (It takes almost three seconds for his eyes to reach Soonyoung’s face and Jihoon is instantly angry that anyone has legs that long.) “It’s nice to see you here!” Soonyoung is grinning and it’s all polite and sweet but Jihoon has an internal instinct to reject that kind of kindness from someone who is trying way too hard.

“Soonyoung,” he says simply and goes back to stretching while Soonyoung plops down next to him and copies him, stretching out his too long legs. A girl sits on his other side and Jihoon guesses that’s who he walked in with earlier except her name or face doesn’t ring a bell.

“So Jazz? You any good?” Soonyoung asks while the girl looks slightly thrown off that the focus was suddenly shifted so dramatically away from her.

“I’m okay,” Jihoon tells him. He’s pretty good actually. Jazz is easier when you’ve been classically trained all your life.

“I’m excited then! I hope I can learn a lot from you.”

Jihoon stands up and starts stretching his arms and Soonyoung follows while the girl gets distracted by another friend who sits next to her.

“How was your break?” Soonyoung asks as the teacher walks in the room and Jihoon pointedly stares at them instead of answering him. “Hmm… Not much of a talker then?”

“I thought that was clear,” Jihoon switches arms to stretch his other shoulder.

“Yeah, but I thought I’d try anyway,” Soonyoung grins and although Jihoon isn’t looking at him the obnoxiousness of his smile is bright in his peripheral. He hates it so he stays quiet and eventually Soonyoung goes back to talk to the girl and her friend and Jihoon lets out a quiet sigh.

It’s better this way, he tells himself, and when the teacher calls him over after class to praise his hard work he knows he’s right.

★

The rest of his classes are general studies as well as lyrical and hip hop workshops. Soonyoung isn’t in any of them but he’s suddenly everywhere in his life anyway not only because of Jazz, but because he’s roommates with Wonwoo and it takes only a few weeks for Jihoon to realize that all of his friends are still absolutely obsessed with him. 

“He’s nice okay?” Seungcheol defends when he sees Jihoon is exhausted hearing about Soonyoung again. “I don’t really get why you’re so bitter about him? Did he say something to you?”

“No,” Jihoon sighs from his bed, head pressed against his pillow, fingers sliding across the screen in some obscure mobile game.

“Are you jealous of him?”

“What’s there to be jealous of?”

“Well… I don’t know? Maybe you like him?”

“_No._” Seungcheol sits up on his bed, legs crossed as he watches Jihoon across their little room.

“He’s in your jazz track this year right?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon answers quickly as he moves on to another level.

“Is he good?”

Jihoon thinks about it for a moment as his game starts out again. Soonyoung is clearly rusty in terms of technical skill, but he learns quicker than anyone, almost quicker than him. And once he knows the move, he_ knows_ it. He won’t make any mistakes and Jihoon can tell Riza loves that about him. He is always used in examples too and Jihoon is used to not being chosen, considering that his teachers want someone taller to see at the front of class, but it still pisses him off.

“He is,” Jihoon says finally. “Surprisingly.”

“He really came out of nowhere, huh?” Jihoon doesn’t reply while Seungcheol gets distracted with a text. “Oh! Jeonghan invited us to his room, wanna come?” When Jihoon stays quiet again Cheol pushes. “Come on, it’s Friday.”

“I’ll come after I finish this level.”

“I know you won’t.”

“I will,” Jihoon assures him and Cheol stares at him for a moment before he gets off his bed to pull sweatpants over his boxers.

“And if Soonyoung is there?” Cheol asks after putting on some deodorant and Jihoon’s game rings as he loses the level and drops his phone onto his chest.

“I don’t give a shit about Soonyoung, okay?” He's aggravated now. “Maybe I would care if people weren’t constantly shoving him down my throat.”

“Alright, relax,” Cheol laughs. “Just come whenever.” He leaves then and Jihoon stares at the ceiling as he calculates the pros and cons of going to Jeonghan’s.

Pros: not wasting his Friday night.

Cons: literally everything else.

Jihoon sighs and gets off his bed. He’s already dressed in some sweats and he throws on a hoodie for good measure before checking his hair in the mirror. It’s too long and messy lately, his mom offered to cut it for him over the summer but Jihoon likes how it falls over his forehead so he keeps it. Just for a little while.

He’s about to leave when he gets a text from Seungcheol to bring his nintendo switch so he gets it quickly. As he’s locking the door behind him, he hears a noise down the hall and looks up to see Soonyoung coming out of his own room. 

Same years usually live on the same floor, Jihoon thinks lazily. Girls are in a different building naturally, but it’s not surprising that Soonyoung would live on his floor considering he’s Wonwoo’s roommate but Jihoon strangely hasn’t thought about it.

When Soonyoung sees him he smiles brightly and Jihoon looks back at his lock as he secures it and when he takes out the key Soonyoung is walking towards him.

“Do we really need to lock, though?” He asks instead of a hello and Jihoon shrugs.

“Makes me feel safer,” he says simply and Soonyoung nods, smiling. _Does he always have to do that? _

“Are you headed to Jeonghan’s?”

“Yeah,” he glances at Soonyoung who seems like he’d be someone most excited about hanging out, so why isn’t he there yet? “Where’s Wonwoo?” Jihoon asks instead of saying anything about that.

“Oh, he’s there already. I had to finish some calculus homework.” Jihoon tries not to dwell too hard on the fact that Soonyoung taking calculus mildly impresses him. “I’m actually glad I bumped into you… I don’t know where Jeonghan’s room is."

“It’s on the floor above,” Jihoon starts walking, his switch tucked under his arm.

“Okay,” Soonyoung follows quietly by his side. “So, you have any ideas for the showcase?"

“It’s a bit early,” Jihoon answers without interest and Soonyoung is clearly surprised.

“Really? You haven’t thought about it?” 

Of course he’s thought about it. He has thought about it since he found out he’ll be taking jazz before university even started. He just doesn’t feel like discussing these thoughts with Soonyoung, is that so hard to understand?

Jihoon shrugs. “There’s time.”

Soonyoung clearly doesn’t believe him but he drops the conversation following Jihoon silently to Jeonghan’s room. If talking to Soonyoung is awkward then being in silence with him is even worse but Jihoon can’t find anything in him to follow through with a different topic so he takes them to Jeonghan’s, and ignores the looks people give them when they arrive together going straight to Jun’s side to play Mario Kart all evening.

It's pretty similar to their hang outs last semester but now with the added twist of Soonyoung’s loud laugh and Jihoon doesn’t turn around to see what the jokes are about even when Jun does, smiling as he returns his gaze to the screen.

“You shouldn’t hate him so much, you know? He’s pretty cool,” Jun says quietly and Jihoon just feels annoyed.

“Not everyone can get along,” Jihoon replies just as quietly and Jun shrugs.

“I don’t think that’s why you dislike him,” Jun points out. “I think it freaks you out how _easily _he’s liked.”

Jihoon makes sure to throw an extra shell at Jun’s Princess Peach and finds immense satisfaction in Jun’s frown.

“Or maybe you’re just an asshole allergic to nice people,” Jun grumbles and Jihoon hugs his knees as he starts off another round, staying silent.

★

“I think you’re stressing Soonyoung out,” Cheol tells him when they’re walking back to their room at around two in the morning. 

Jihoon scoffs. “Why?”

“He kept looking your way all night.”

“Maybe he wanted to play Mario Kart.”

“Maybe he wanted to play Mario Kart with _you_.”

“Or Jun."

Cheol sighs trying to open the door as Jihoon takes out the keys from his back pocket. “You know you don't need to lock, nobody’s gonna steal here.”

“That’s what everyone says before they get robbed.”

“I know we’ve been best friends for years, but I still don’t understand you,” Cheol says as they walk in and he plops down immediately onto his bed while Jihoon grabs his toothbrush and face towel to go brush his teeth.

“Well try harder. You’re awfully easy to read,” Jihoon comments and Cheol watches him as Jihoon gets ready to leave the room.

“So say something obvious about me."

Jihoon stops. “Right now?”

“Yeah.”

Jihoon thinks for a moment watching him. “I know you’ve been making out with Nayoung behind the music building for three months now.” 

Cheol sputters and Jihoon leaves the room, satisfied until he sees Soonyoung in their floor's communal bathroom spitting toothpaste into the sink. He stops for a moment before he enters and quietly applies paste onto his own toothbrush while Soonyoung meets his eyes in the mirror.

They wordlessly brush their teeth and it’s even more awkward than their first encounter because Soonyoung’s eyes keep shifting towards him while Jihoon pointedly stares at the water disappearing into the drain.

Soonyoung finishes first and gurgles obnoxiously and Jihoon tries not to wince.

“So I guess we’ll see each other more often now?” Soonyoung says when he’s done and Jihoon spits.

“Why do you say that?”

“Well… That’s always what happens, right? You bump into someone once and suddenly they’re everywhere."

Jihoon is unimpressed. “The semester started three weeks ago and this is the first time we meet in the bathroom.”

“The first time we met on our floor too.”

“Even though we have class together six times a week.”

“Well I don’t show up to class fifteen minutes early.”

Jihoon watches him for a moment then rinses his mouth before wiping it with his towel.

“Goodnight Soonyoung,” he tells him about to leave but Soonyoung stands in his way.

“Are you not going to wash your face?”

Jihoon stares at him, speechless. “What?”

“You’re not washing your face.”

“I showered earlier.”

“Your skin is insane,” Soonyoung comments then and Jihoon almost wants to shove him out of the way.

“You’re insane,” he says instead and tries to walk around him but Soonyoung blocks him again.

“Can you… Can you please explain to me what your problem is?”

“My problem?” Jihoon bites back and Soonyoung’s eyes widen.

“No, no, no I just mean… You hate me! And I can’t figure out why.”

Jihoon closes his eyes and lets out yet _another _sigh. “I don’t _hate _you. Let me go to bed.”

“There’s something you dislike about me.”

“Well, right now I dislike you because you won’t let me go to _bed_,” Jihoon repeats and Soonyoung seems to falter.

“That’s not it,” he says and Jihoon almost wants to scream back, _No shit! _

Instead he stares at him pointedly. “Maybe you’re the one who should worry about washing your face, that thing on your forehead is practically glaring at me.”

Soonyoung’s brows furrow and he seems genuinely upset for a second which has Jihoon considering taking it back before Soonyoung bursts out laughing and steps away. 

“Goodnight, Jihoon,” he says kindly, going back to the sink to wash his face and Jihoon thinks, walking back to his room, that he really doesn’t understand that guy at all.

“How did you find out about Nayoung and I?” Cheol asks as soon as he’s back in and Jihoon laughs as he climbs into bed.

“She asked me two weeks ago what she should get you for your birthday,” Jihoon tells him and catches Cheol’s blush before he turns off his light and goes to sleep.

★

The semester starts picking up speed as classes become more intense and Jihoon has to start seriously planning his Jazz showcase. His friends still get jobs here and there and Jihoon applies for some but doesn’t get any, except for one little gig as a backup dancer for a birthday party. He’ll never tell a living soul he had to wear a minion outfit for that, but at least the pay was worth the humiliation. 

Surprisingly, Soonyoung doesn’t seem to do any jobs but something tells Jihoon it’s less of him not getting hired but simply not having any spare time. Jihoon barely sees him outside of class other than on the occasional weekend he isn’t stuck doing homework. They don't really talk but Soonyoung continues to try starting conversations before class or even inviting him to lunch a few times, and true to Soonyoung’s word they do bump into each other in the bathroom more often than Jihoon would like. 

“How’s my skin doing?” Soonyoung asks sometime in mid-November and Jihoon glances at his forehead before he meets his waiting gaze.

“Better than your showcase,” Jihoon tells him as he leaves and Soonyoung grins like it’s the best thing he’s heard all day.

★

Jihoon’s birthday comes and goes. They host a little hang out in the common room of their dorm building for a small celebration and Jihoon really doesn’t want anything special but does blow out the candle of the cupcake Seungcheol and Jeonghan baked for him out of politeness. He gets some presents too, headphones from Cheol, the new Zelda game from Wonwoo (who probably just wants to play it himself on Jihoon’s switch), a can of coke from Jeonghan, a baseball cap from Jun and nothing from Soonyoung which Jihoon actually found pretty appropriate.

There’s some soju passed around in a plastic water bottle that Jihoon doesn’t question the origins of and they mostly just sit and talk until a bit after midnight when their RA tells him to go to their rooms so they stop making noise, deciding to relocate to Jeonghan’s since he cares the least about having people over. Jihoon walks in the back and when he looks up he sees Soonyoung waiting a few steps ahead.

“Happy birthday,” he congratulates when Jihoon reaches him and Jihoon mutters a thanks. “I would’ve gotten you something, but I didn’t know it was-“

“Why would you? We’re not close,” Jihoon interrupts and it’s a bit too honest and a bit too harsh. 

“Yeah, well...” is all Soonyoung replies, letting Jihoon pass him by and climb the extra flight of stairs to Jeonghan’s, Soonyoung staying behind.

“Where’s Soonyoung?” Jun asks after Jihoon closes the door behind him. Everyone stares at him and Jihoon shrugs. “Did you say something to him?” Jun asks then, clearly the only one shameless enough to despite everyone thinking the same thing.

“He has homework to do,” Wonwoo says for Jihoon but the way he’s watching him says he isn’t very happy. It takes a moment for everyone to move on from the strange tension but Jihoon stays quiet anyway leaving after a short half an hour because he couldn’t take it anymore. On his way down, he realizes he forgot his new cap in the common room so he goes there quickly to get it and finds Soonyoung at the big center desk studying, earphones in his ears. Jihoon’s cap is next to him and Jihoon debates going up to him to take it but changes his mind heading back to his room instead.

The next time he sees Soonyoung is in class on Monday when he hands him the cap with a kind smile and Jihoon mutters a thank you. They don’t speak again.

★

The first recital evaluations are in early December and Jihoon decides on _Take Me to Church_ by Hozier. A little slow, sure, but Jihoon enjoys twisting music to his dance. He’s not the first student to go up but he does perform before Soonyoung.

He’s in his Jazz shoes and tight sweatpants, standing in the middle of the stage as the song starts, ignoring Soonyoung’s piercing eyes right in front of him (somehow they’re more attentive than any way Riza stares at him). The song is altered to play at a quicker pace and although it begins slow it speeds up towards the middle and Jihoon starts off the routine on the dot, through each step, adding a twirl he learned from Jeonghan as a signature move. He has practiced the routine enough to do it in his sleep, he knows every move looks perfect and he drowns out the audience focusing on finishing through his steps feeling the energy around him fueling him forward. 

He finishes with another spin and his arms folded across his chest with one of his hands just over his cheek, breathing for a moment before all the lights turn on again and he bows before leaving the stage.

It takes him a second to cool off, he grabs a towel from his bag and sits in his previous seat and ignores people whispering about his performance and most certainly ignores Soonyoung on the other side of the room still watching him.

“Kwon Soonyoung,” Riza calls. “It’s your turn.”

Jihoon watches Soonyoung clear his throat rushing quickly to the stage, then running to the senior helping with the music and back again to center position.

He seems fidgety, but not terribly, bowing before he starts his performance and when his head rises the light in his eyes is nothing like the nervousness Jihoon thought he saw before. This gaze… His eyes are sharp but Jihoon never knew they could hold this much power. It’s mesmerizing and whatever silly jokes and faces Soonyoung shows is nothing compared to _ this _. This light. He’s another person and when he starts moving Jihoon knows this is the reason Soonyoung captivated him in that park months ago.

Soonyoung’s body is an annoying amount of legs and Jihoon feels jealous watching the length of them carry his body so smoothly. He dances to a female singer that Jihoon can’t pinpoint at the moment, too occupied with watching the way Soonyoung’s body bends at angles that should seem uncomfortable but look absolutely effortless. Every movement is sharp yet smooth and Jihoon doesn’t know if he feels jealous, angry, thrilled or all of the above. Soonyoung moves so perfectly, it pisses Jihoon off but it also makes his fingers tense all the way to their tips. It makes Jihoon want to dance.

The performance ends with Soonyoung on the floor, arm on a raised knee and his forehead dropped in the crook of his elbow and the students in the audience applaud as Soonyoung gets up to bow. Jihoon claps too, out of politeness, but when Soonyoung meets his eyes it feels like a mistake. Soonyoung goes back to his seat but Jihoon doesn’t miss the way he glances back at him a few times for the rest of the class. 

“Evaluations will be ready next week, so far everyone’s presentation is superb. Keep practicing, there’s only a few months left till the showcase,” Riza announces before dismissal. “Soonyoung, please stay after class.” Soonyoung bows okay and Jihoon catches Soonyoung look towards him again and leaves before Soonyoung asks him to stay.

★

Turns out avoiding Soonyoung is easy even when all his friends are friends with him too. Jihoon is usually someone who gathers a little crowd when needed, but doesn’t join the big groups. Soonyoung is usually busy, too, so even if Jihoon does show up chances are Soonyoung won’t be there and if he is, well there are enough other people to talk to.

Everyone skirts around it, giving up on asking Jihoon why he dislikes Soonyoung and Jihoon is glad because there’s really nothing to explain. He doesn’t dislike him. He’s just not interested in being friends with the guy, what’s so hard to understand about that?

Wonwoo is in his room one Thursday night as they take turns playing the new Zelda and they have enough things to talk about but the question still comes up.

“You know if you weren’t so weird about Soonyoung I’d invite him to hang out with us,” he says as he takes the remote from Jihoon.

“So invite him.”

“Your bad energy isn’t fun to handle,” Wonwoo points out shaking the remote when the screen freezes for a second.

“Stop that, I don’t have bad energy. I just don’t have any particular feelings about the guy. Good or bad."

“You _ so _ have weird feelings about him.”

“Did you come here to play or talk _feelings_?” Jihoon snaps and Wonwoo grins.

“You know I’d love to see you be friends with Soonyoung. You two would be funny.” Jihoon rolls his eyes and goes on his phone while he waits for his turn. “Can I bring him next time?”

“Do whatever you want Wonwoo,” Jihoon tells him and tries not to get pissed off by Wonwoo’s satisfied smile.

★

The next time Soonyoung and Jihoon bump into each other it’s the morning of their evaluation class and Soonyoung is clearly jittery so Jihoon tries his best to be nicer. 

“Don’t be nervous,” he tells him as they walk down the stairs. “Evaluations are useful. Thanks to them we can improve, so take your comments positively.” He can tell his words stun Soonyoung but he ignores that.

Soonyoung doesn’t reply right away, nodding a few times. “I couldn’t sleep,” he says finally and Jihoon stays quiet. “I kept thinking… What if I did something super wrong… What if the teacher hated it? What if this whole semester was a mistake?”

“Well Riza-nim already said everyone did really well,” Jihoon tries not to sound too bored but he can’t help it. He’s really not interested in the guy, or maybe he’s trying too hard not to be. “Plus your performance was really good… I’m surprised it was your first time on stage.” 

“It wasn’t my first time on stage,” Soonyoung tells him, surprised at Jihoon’s comment. “Why did you think that?”

“Aren’t you a Business major?”

“Sure but I danced a lot in high school… Just not something I ever thought I could continue with in college.”

“And you were never scouted?”

“I come from a tiny town… No scouts were going to come to my little school,” Soonyoung explains with a small smile. “You really know nothing about me, Jihoon,” he laughs lightly and Jihoon swallows uncomfortably. “Maybe we can get to know each other better?” He tries just as they reach their practice room for class. When Jihoon meets his eyes Soonyoung’s grin is friendly and Jihoon feels his insides twist. He doesn’t know what it is… But something about the friendliness just pisses him off. He doesn’t want to be friends with him. He just doesn’t, why can't anyone accept that?

“I think you overestimated my question. I’m not that interested,” Jihoon tells him and Soonyoung’s brows rise at the honesty. 

“You’re a difficult guy, Lee Jihoon,” he tells him. “It makes you interesting.”

“And you’re kind of annoying,” Jihoon tells him under his breath and Soonyoung only smiles.

“I’ll see you around Jihoon,” Soonyoung says. “Too nervous today to bother you, but I’ll figure out why you hate me so much.”

“I don’t-“ Jihoon starts on autopilot then stops himself. “Bye, Soonyoung.”

“Bye,” Soonyoung smiles and leaves to the other side of the room to stretch. 

The evaluations are good, for everyone. Jihoon’s performance is as always very well received but the most impressive was definitely Soonyoung. Riza talks about him for almost ten minutes – his stage presence, the song choice, the emotions in his performance, connecting his movements with the lyrics, comparing him to the rest of class, telling people they should take note of Soonyoung’s stage presence and connection with the music. Jihoon sits on the other side of the classroom and feels his fingers dig into the forearms of his chair. He finally allows himself to look over at Soonyoung. He’s blushing, wide eyed at his teacher’s words and Jihoon thinks to himself, _t__his is why I don’t want to be your friend _and when Soonyoung meets his eyes, Jihoon thinks he understands.

★

On Friday before winter break they all gather at Jeonghan’s again. Jihoon isn’t going home this time because Busan during winter isn’t much fun and he’s not in the mood to talk to his parents about how he’s gotten zero internships this semester and have to explain to them that he doesn’t care for them anyway. So he decides to stay on campus. Maybe some dance company will finally get interested by his online profile while he hopefully gets a job at the campus coffee shop and hangs around doing _ nothing _. 

“Jihoon’s staying,” Cheol’s voice distracts him from his thoughts and Jihoon’s head swivels to the other side of the room where Cheol, Wonwoo, Jun and Soonyoung are playing cards with a few soju bottles in between.

“Oh?” Jihoon sees Soonyoung turn his head to look over at him. “Maybe we’ll hang out,” Soonyoung says kindly going back to the game and Jihoon takes a moment before he looks away. He’s on Jeonghan’s bed reading some dance magazine and Jeonghan is asleep on his shoulder so he doesn’t want to move too much, listing through.

“Nervous?” Jeonghan asks suddenly and Jihoon nudges his shoulder so Jeonghan sits up grinning cheekily. “Just you and Soonyoung. Wouldn’t want to miss all that tension.”

“No tension,” Jihoon says, listing past another page.

“We are going to come back and either you two are best friends or maybe you’ve finally killed him,” Jeonghan jokes. “If you’re really lucky though maybe you can take advantage of the empty rooms...” Jihoon nudges him this time, harshly.

“Shut up,” he cringes.

“That gross? Soonyoung is pretty."

“You go sleep with him then,” Jihoon tells him and Jeonghan sighs, head dropping back onto Jihoon’s shoulder.

“He’s desperately trying,” he points out just as Soonyoung’s gaze lands on them for the third time that whole conversation. Not that Jihoon was counting.

“The more people tell me that, the more annoying it gets,” Jihoon mutters. “Am I supposed to be impressed that he won’t leave me alone?”

“Has he been bothering you?” Jeonghan wonders.

Jihoon can’t say yes because Soonyoung really _ hasn’t _ been. Instead keeping a polite distance most of the time save for a small passing conversation or a short hello or bye when necessary.

“He’s okay,” Jihoon says. “But I have enough friends.” Jeonghan laughs too loudly at that and a few of their friends look over. Jihoon flushes. “What’s so funny?” He demands.

“Nobody is forcing you to even be friends with the guy, just be a bit friendlier. Whether you want it or not he’s friends with everyone else,” Jeonghan points out and Jihoon sighs, head leaning on the wall behind him.

“If I’m friends with him will everyone just leave me alone?”

“Sure,” Jeonghan shrugs, settling onto Jihoon’s shoulder. “But I’m going to keep trying to figure out why you hate him so much.”

“I don’t hate him.”

“You do _ something _him. Personally I think it’s jealousy, but I know you’ll get testy if I admit that."

“You just did,” Jihoon grits out and he can feel Jeonghan grinning on his shoulder.

“Jihoon loves being the best… But Jihoon is also supportive… So why does Soonyoung bother him so much?”

“I’m right here you know.”

“So help me understand.”

Jihoon sighs. Thankfully everyone is busy enough with their own things and Jun's pocket stereo is loud enough to drown out most noise otherwise Jihoon would’ve dropped this conversation long ago. 

“I can’t,” Jihoon says, eyes drifting back to Soonyoung. “Something about him just pisses me off, okay? I hate that I can’t explain it.”

Jeonghan stays quiet long enough that Jihoon tries to see if maybe he’s fallen asleep. “Well I hope you figure it out,” Jeonghan says finally. “You two are more similar than you know.”

“And how close are you to Soonyoung?”

“Close enough to see that much,” Jeonghan says and Jihoon almost rolls his eyes. “I hope you enjoy your break,” he adds before drifting off to sleep and Jihoon hopes he does too.

★

Winter break is just a few weeks. Christmas, New Years, and then back to school immediately after. Still, it’s nice to lay around and not do much. Jihoon does get that job at the coffee shop and spends most of his other free time practicing and avoiding Soonyoung. 

The first few days it’s easy, quiet, but then Soonyoung starts appearing _everywhere _and Jihoon cannot take it.

Jihoon: _I think I really am going to kill him_

Jeonghan: _stay safe ^^_

It starts when Soonyoung finds out Jihoon is working at the coffee shop.

“This is right by the library!” Soonyoung says excitedly and Jihoon looks at him with zero interest. 

“What will you be having?”

“Vanilla latte please! Large and extra shot of espresso!” Soonyoung says his order loudly and grinning brightly and Jihoon’s brow twitches upwards for a second before he punches in the order and reads out the price. 

“I guess I’ll see you around?” Soonyoung asks.

“There are people who want to order,” Jihoon comments and Soonyoung blushes hurrying out of the way. He tries to catch Jihoon’s attention when he gets his drink but Jihoon ignores him and after another attempt Soonyoung leaves. He comes back though. Several times that week and his coworker, Daniel, says he stops by even when he isn’t there but usually won’t order anything.

“Is he your friend?” Daniel asks when Soonyoung walks in maybe for the tenth time that week.

“Does it look like he is?”

“Hey Jihoon,” Soonyoung adds after he orders his drink. There’s nobody in line with him so there’s no excuse to shoo him away. “I was thinking we should practice together if you have some time? I’ve been busy catching up with some other work and finals but… I miss dancing, I think it could be fun.”

Jihoon look at him for a moment and all his friends’ voices echo at the same time in his head. _Just try a little, he’s nice_.

“Fine. I finish at five,” Soonyoung’s grin is too much and Jihoon looks away, uncomfortable. “Come by my room at six?”

“Perfect!”

They do practice that night. They even talk a little, though mostly it’s Soonyoung talking either about some idols he enjoys watching or dance classes he’s interested in taking next year. He doesn’t mention anything about his other major or why he’s not home visiting his family but he does ask Jihoon about Busan.

“Busan is home. Nothing too interesting.” 

“Of course it is! I’ve never been there, only Jeju.”

“Well, Busan is nice. Especially in the summer,” Jihoon humors him. “You should go sometime.” Soonyoung nods eagerly, as if storing that piece of information in a safe part of his brain and Jihoon almost laughs at how comical Soonyoung can be. 

They meet for a few days in a row, going over each other’s routines and it’s okay. Soonyoung can be annoying, but he’s serious when it comes to dancing and Jihoon appreciates it. Soonyoung still asks intrusive questions but Jihoon deflects them if he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t really ask Soonyoung anything back and for a person who rarely shuts up Soonyoung surprisingly doesn’t talk about himself either. Usually, they just end up talking about dance and when Soonyoung tries to get them to eat dinner after practice, Jihoon makes up excuses.

In practice, Soonyoung takes every comment like they’re drops of gold and copies Jihoon’s suggestions immediately and professionally and way too perfectly. He’s a perfectionist too, Jihoon realizes soon, maybe that’s what Jeonghan meant when they said they were similar. 

With Jihoon’s routine Soonyoung is a bit more careful with commentary, like he understands his place isn’t to correct Jihoon considering their different levels of experience but Jihoon does eventually get him to talk and Soonyoung admits a few things. 

“Your rhythm is off,” he points out on their fourth practice.

“What?”

“Rhythm… You aren’t exactly on the beat or more like… You aren’t connecting with the music properly.”

Jihoon stares at him taking a big gulp of water. “What?” He repeats again.

Soonyoung swallows, nervous. “Doesn’t matter.”

“No. Tell me,” Jihoon pushes and Soonyoung runs a hand through his sweaty hair.

“You’re thinking too much about the routine, it doesn’t feel smooth… It feels like you’re not interested in the music at all and the professionalism takes over the performance.” Jihoon’s brows scrunch lightly together. “Like… When you did your hip hop dance? There was an effort for sharper movements, so it wasn’t as noticeable and I didn’t say anything but here… It’s more of a lyrical dance, you know? You need it to be smooth, fit the lyrics, but it just feels like you’re doing a routine _ to _ the music instead of dancing _with _the music.” 

Jihoon can feel his mouth open in a dumb expression but he doesn’t know how to process this. There’s a mix of feelings, awe that Soonyoung can say something so constructive and anger because well… Who in the_ world _is he to tell Jihoon that? That he doesn’t know how to _connect _to music... Fuck this guy!

“God… You’re really going to hate me now aren’t you?” Soonyoung says quietly and Jihoon ignores that.

“What do you suggest I do then?” He snaps. “To connect with music?”

“I don’t know…” Soonyoung says nervously. “Do you know anything about music theory? Maybe if you understood music better... How it works and connect with the rhythm rather than just sound. I don’t know, like on _GarageBand_ or something?”

Jihoon looks at him for another moment before he takes one large sip and starts putting away his things.

“I guess I’ll go study then. To improve my dancing.” His voice is sarcastic and maybe he means it to be.

“Listen, Jihoon-“ Soonyoung tries and Jihoon grips his bag too tightly to keep himself calm.

“What?” Jihoon turns around when Soonyoung doesn’t keep talking. “Anything else you need to tell me?”

“I think the routine is great, I really do okay? This was just something that was on my mind… That’s all.”

“That’s all?” Jihoon repeats and Soonyoung smiles awkwardly. “How long has it been on your mind, Soonyoung? Is this why you wanted to practice with? To tell me _what's on your mind_."

Soonyoung's smile drops. "No-"

"Doesn't matter. I guess I'll to go study _GarageBand_ now, thanks for your suggestions.”

Soonyoung isn't an idiot, he can probably tell Jihoon isn’t being his most sincere but he doesn't touch on it. “You too, Jihoon. I’m serious I learn a lot from you.” Jihoon ignores that picking up his bag to leave. “Do you want to get dinner maybe-“ 

That’s it.

Jihoon really _really _can’t fucking take it anymore. 

“Soonyoung,” he says harshly turning around to face him. “I don’t know why you’re so damn_ fixated _but I’m sure you have enough friends you can bother both in the dance program and in whatever else you study to stop fucking bothering me! We aren’t friends Soonyoung, and I’m not interested in being your fucking friend no matter how friendly you think you are you are alright? Is that so hard to understand? Did you not get the message well enough?” He knows he’s being way too mean as he speaks but Soonyoung’s expression is frozen like stone and there’s a light blush over his cheeks right under his widened eyes and Jihoon almost – just _almost – _feels bad but not enough to stop. “Was all this practice not enough? Or you want another few days of staring at my fucked up rhythm?! Just leave me the hell alone already.” Jihoon adds before he turns to leave. “Who the fuck even needs four vanilla lattes a day, fuck’s sake,” Jihoon mutters to himself as he walks out of the room and doesn’t mean to shut the door so strongly but it makes a loud noise anyway. 

Out in the hallway he briefly scolds himself for being too mean but when the guy couldn’t take the message all fucking year…

He sighs, willing himself to forget about Soonyoung, and walks towards his room only realizing later that it’s Christmas Eve. 

★

The rest of the week Jihoon spends alone, working and practicing and calling Seungcheol to complain that he’s lonely and only practicing. 

“Where’s–” 

“Don’t,” Jihoon warns so Seungcheol drops the conversation and offers to play Overwatch together instead and Jihoon is instantly glad to have a friend like him. 

New Year’s Jihoon celebrates alone in bed watching Buzzfeed Unsolved even though he’s invited to a party. It's a little sad, but it's better than possibly bumping into Soonyoung. At least that's what he tells himself.

“I saw your friend at the New Year’s thing, why didn’t you go?” Daniel asks the next week.

“I don't like parties,” Jihoon says. “And he’s not my friend,” he adds as a belated thought.

“You know I asked him about you,” Daniel says after a few customers have ordered and Jihoon shoots him a glare. “_Before _ you get angry, he didn’t say anything okay? Just said that you’re kind of a jerk,” after a quick glance towards Jihoon adds, “and you know what I agree with him.” He grins then and Jihoon looks away working on a Chai Latte order and thinking he really must be a jerk for someone as nice as Soonyoung to admit that to strangers.

★

If there was tension before winter break, there was definitely tension now and everyone picks up on it immediately especially Jihoon. He and Soonyoung don’t see each other at all for the rest of the break and the first class back Soonyoung ignores Jihoon completely and continues to do so for the rest of the semester. They don’t even talk backstage before their performance or after, they don’t even look at each other or more like Soonyoung completely blocks him out of his range and Jihoon is slightly surprised at the complete change.

None of his friends ask about what happen other than Cheol trying to bring it up a few times and Jeonghan’s disappointed look towards Jihoon whenever Soonyoung enters the room and things get horribly awkward. Wonwoo also stops hanging out with Jihoon, not even to play the Zelda game he wanted to finish so badly and Jihoon can’t help but be disappointed by Wonwoo choosing Soonyoung despite them being friends for years longer. 

The week after the showcase Riza sets up private meetings with each of them and Jihoon’s slot happens to be right after Soonyoung’s. He knows because he can hear Soonyoung’s laugh from inside the office and he wrings his fingers restlessly in his lap as he waits for his turn. 

He knows Soonyoung did well. He impressed the audience, he impressed the teachers, he even impressed him even if he won’t admit it to anyone. He’s good. He’s _really _good, and Jihoon can’t help but have the responsibility of bringing him to his university tugging at his heart. Is he happy he did that? Does he regret it? He’s the reason Soonyoung can thrive on stage again but they won’t even look in each other’s eyes. 

The door opens finally and Soonyoung is bowing one last time to their teacher before he turns around and spots Jihoon. He freezes for a moment, then his expression fades back to neutral and he holds the door open and Jihoon swallows away his thoughts to get up and walk in. 

“Thank you,” he says passing him quietly, avoiding his sharp eyes so close to his face and Soonyoung simply nods before he closes the door, leaving Jihoon inside the office. 

“Jihoon,” Riza smiles pleasantly and Jihoon gives a short bow before sitting down in front of her desk. “It’s weird to see me in an office, right?” she jokes and Jihoon smiles politely. Riza is one of the few teachers that has coached him back in high school too. She’s always been kind to him, watching him grow up as a dancer. “Well, you’re about as talkative as usual,” Jihoon flushes at that. “Let’s just get straight to the topic, then. Your performance…” She pauses and whatever small smile Jihoon had disappears. “It was great, Jihoon, don’t get me wrong. The professionalism was top notch, every movement precise and graceful as usual. But I think there was some disconnect,” she says with a hum, looking through her notes. “It was clear you were going through a routine, but there was no… _oomf _ to your performance. There was no spark.” 

“Are you comparing me to Soonyoung?” Jihoon can’t help but ask and Riza frowns. 

“Soonyoung has an entirely different aura than you while dancing. That’s not the point…” She observes Jihoon for a moment. “I noticed you two weren’t hitting it off.” Jihoon tries not to react to that but the frustrated sigh still comes out. “I guess it’s not really my place to interfere but since you asked, I’m not comparing you two, but the energy that you’re missing, Soonyoung has it. Maybe it’s worth discussing that with him, he might be a new student here but he has something that’s very rare to find. Something I want you to look for next year.” 

She watches him for a moment and Jihoon won’t meet her eyes until she closes her notebook and leans a little forward. 

“Jihoon,” she says and Jihoon looks up. “You’re a great dancer, okay? You have infinite potential, I’ve seen you grow better and better every showcase for the last four years. But you’re also too proud,” she adds and Jihoon swallows looking away again. “There’s a reason you’re at this university and not hired by some company. You chose to learn more, to practice and improve and to get better, and it’s not only your teachers who are here to guide you. Take some advice from your peers as well.”

“I learn with Jeonghan a lot,” Jihoon says without thinking and Riza smiles. 

“That’s good,” she leans back. “But consider talking to Soonyoung as well. I think it will help you.” 

They end the meeting with Riza writing out a list of Jazz companies she sent out Jihoon’s evaluations to urging him to contact them and then Jihoon leaves, feeling less than happy.

Shitty. That was shitty. Didn’t even matter if everything about his performance was good there is still that energy… That “spark” that he lacked. 

Well fuck. 

He pushes the door of the building, coming out to the freezing cold of late January. It’s windy so Jihoon wraps his scarf close around his mouth as he walks across campus towards his dorms. 

Shitty. 

Everything is shitty. 

His nose burns from the wind and he thinks about this whole year that he spent avoiding Soonyoung from his life but just having him constantly shoved in his face anyway. 

Energy? What energy does she want him to have? Obnoxious energy? Loud energy? In your face energy? Jihoon is a quiet guy and he likes it that way. There’s nothing about Soonyoung’s “energy” that he wants to learn from. 

He stops for a second, breathing hard, he didn’t even realize how much all of this is getting to him. He tries to think back to Soonyoung’s performance. He only watched his showcase from backstage but he remembers sharp gaze on the audience, his facial expressions as usual out of this world and his aura is completely different when the lights dim and there are people watching him. 

_ It just feels like you’re doing a routine to the music, _he remembers suddenly, _instead of dancing _with _the music. _

“I really hate him,” Jihoon mutters into the scarf and starts walking quicker back to his dorm. 

Seungcheol isn’t there when he comes back so Jihoon takes his laptop without asking and sits cross-legged on his bed. Studying music… How does he even go about it? There’s a distant part of his brain that remembers _GarageBand_ so he tries it out, opens it, toys around with it. The options are hard to use at first, a bit too complicated, but it gets easier as he goes and when Seungcheol comes back after dinner Jihoon has thirty seconds of a song. 

“What are you doing?” Cheol frowns, seeing him using his laptop.

Jihoon doesn’t look up when he replies. “Research.” 

“Well I’d prefer it if you ask me before you ‘research’ with my things.”

“Okay,” Jihoon says but doesn’t stop. He stretches towards his bedside table for his headphones and connects them to the laptop and after a moment Seungcheol leaves the room. 

He only comes back close to midnight but Jihoon still hasn’t stopped and doesn’t take off his headphones to talk to him. After about twenty minutes the lights turn off and Jihoon keeps going till four in the morning when his bladder can’t take it anymore and he has three minutes worth of music.

_ Damn it_, he thinks, listening to the song when he comes back from the bathroom. This was supposed to be research, but why does he feel like he’s discovered something sensational? Something he won’t go back from.

The song isn’t fast, it’s slow and melodic and Jihoon’s fingers squeeze his knees as he listens to the music, hearing it differently… More deeply.

_ Damn it, _he thinks again, teeth pressing on his lip. _The fucking dumbass had a point _. 

★

There’s only a week left of school until the short semester break before second year and Jihoon actually attends some end of the year parties for once, while Soonyoung is nowhere to be seen with his other finals.

He only sees Soonyoung the last Thursday before break. It’s three in the morning and he’s writing another song when he gets too thirsty and decides to run out to get a drink from the vending machine downstairs. He’s on his way down when he notices the light in the common room is still on and when he comes closer he sees Soonyoung studying at one of the tables. The clock shows 03:23 and Jihoon feels something strange tug at his heart when he sees Soonyoung studying so late. 

Why should he even care? He reminds himself. Does he even care… He’s standing like a creep right at the archway entrance so of course Soonyoung notices him at one point, looking up sharply clearly not expecting anyone to be here. 

“Shit,” he mutters looking down again and pulls off his headphones. “You scared me.” 

“Sorry,” Jihoon says quietly, not even sure why he’s apologizing. 

Soonyoung observes him for a moment. “What are you doing up?”

“Just thirsty,” he says simply and Soonyoung nods, fingers coming up to rub at his eyes as he stifles a yawn and gets up. 

“I could probably use some caffeine,” he mutters, more to himself and Jihoon steps away to let him through. When Soonyoung's walked a bit down the hall he turns around noticing Jihoon isn’t following. “Are you coming? Or am I that insufferable to be around?” 

“I thought it was the other way around.” 

Soonyoung seems surprised at that and smiles softly. “I guess some of us can be mature about this.” Jihoon looks down to the floor and follows him and hates the way Soonyoung stays silent, watching him. 

At the vending machine Jihoon gets a Coke and Soonyoung goes for a Monster and Jihoon bites his lip because it’s not his place to say anything about how unhealthy that is.

“My calculus exam is tomorrow at eleven,” Soonyoung explains as he cracks the can open, even though Jihoon hasn’t asked. “Don’t wanna take this shitty class again, so I absolutely need to pass.” 

Jihoon is quiet but he stays by Soonyoung’s side even as Soonyoung starts walking upstairs. 

“Is there something you want to say to me?” Soonyoung asks finally before he separates from him in the hall.

“What?” Jihoon asks, genuinely surprised at the question. 

“You always make sure to stay as far away as possible from me,” Soonyoung explains, as if it’s obvious.

Jihoon looks at him for a moment then shakes his head. “There’s nothing,” he says before leaving in the opposite direction and he can feel Soonyoung staring after him until he goes back to the common room. Jihoon is on the first stair when he thinks of the music that’s waiting for him upstairs, how Soonyoung is the reason he started playing around with melodies, how when he practices now somehow his movements feel more natural, more fluid. He swallows going back to the common room where Soonyoung is listing through his textbook and stops as soon as Soonyoung looks up. 

He’s a few steps away from the table and they look at each other for a weird long minute. 

“Riza-nim said the same thing to me,” Jihoon starts and Soonyoung frowns, not understanding. “That I don’t know how to connect with music. That my movements look too mechanic,” Soonyoung’s gaze softens like he’s sorry and Jihoon feels himself growing angry. That wasn’t the point. “I remembered what you told me, to look into music to connect with it better…” He licks his lips gathering his words. “Did you also do that?” 

Soonyoung shakes his head. “But I think that’s because I’ve never been professionally trained… I always listened to music before I thought of the… Logistics of dance, I guess.” 

“Well, I’ve been looking into it,” Jihoon says. “Music I mean… I think it’s helping.” 

Soonyoung seems shocked that Jihoon is sharing that with him but he nods, smiling a little. “That’s good,” he says sincerely. “I hope it works out for you.” 

Jihoon focuses on the coldness of his can so he doesn’t have to think too hard about how kind Soonyoung is being. “Yeah. Thanks,” he says finally then nods curtly. “Good luck on your exam.” 

“Thank you,” Soonyoung’s lips purse as if he wants to say something else but Jihoon already turns around to go back up. 

His room is dark, filled with Cheol’s soft snoring as he hugs one of his pillows. It’s weird but somehow Jihoon doesn’t feel like composing anymore so he puts the coke in their mini fridge and saves his music file before he goes to sleep trying not to think too hard about how after all the mean things Jihoon has said to him, Soonyoung can still give him such kind smiles.

★

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading would love to hear ur thoughts abt this new idea if thats okay aaaa i hope to see u soon <3


	2. Year Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to switch povs for every year - so this will be in soonyoung's. it's soo long (18k) i'm not even sorry though i love being in soonyoung's head ahahaha i do hope it's enjoyable tho ;--;
> 
> disclaimer - i'm not knowledgeable at all in dancing so if anything is weird, I apologize in advance... let's call it creative liberty ^.^'' also there are some more ~mature~ themes enough that i might up the rating to M so just warning in advance ❤️

Soonyoung doesn’t go home before second year starts. His sister visits him from Incheon for a weekend in Seoul but otherwise Soonyoung studies, dances, and makes a deal with the Dance building to clean the studio after he's done for just a tiny bit of cash. He knows he could find a proper job, a better paying one, but this is easier, he’s there every day anyway and most importantly he gets an access key. 

His parents call a few times over his little break, once to see if he’ll be coming, and a second time it’s his dad asking to see his transcript and Soonyoung forwards it to him, making sure there are no dance classes on there. He did well academically, mostly As and one B in Academic Writing because he sent in an essay late. 

“You’re working hard,” his father tells him on the phone that evening.

“Thank you, I’m trying.”

“Keep it up, your mother and I are very proud of you.”

When his sister was in the city he told her about him getting a scholarship for double-majoring. It’s hard to lie to her when they’ve always been close and he really just had to tell someone. He kind of also wanted to know if he could tell their parents about it but she suggested to wait, just a little. As long as his grades are good they won’t question anything and that’s better for now.

“Do you think they’d make me quit?” He asks and the look in her eyes is a little sad, enough that Soonyoung has to look away.

“I think they want what's best for you, they just don’t really understand what that is.” And really, Soonyoung can’t disagree.

☆

Wonwoo comes back a few days before their new Semester and they move their things to their new dorm on the fourth floor. There are still communal showers there, but at least each room has a toilet and a sink now which is already a total upgrade from last year. It was an easy decision rooming together again and Soonyoung is seriously happy about it. Wonwoo is a great roommate – clean, quiet, considerate. It helps that they’ve grown quite close in the last year as well. Actually Soonyoung finds that he’s excited to see everyone again as the new semester nears – Jeonghan is always intriguing, Seungcheol too kind for his own good and Jun is just generally super fun. The only person Soonyoung could never hit it off with has always been Jihoon.

He tried, he really did. It’s kind of embarrassing how much he tried just to have Jihoon explode in his face. Soonyoung is pretty sure nobody has ever spoken to him that way, not even his overbearing parents. They had a more peaceful moment by the end of the semester but otherwise… Soonyoung can’t be bothered to try anymore. Sure Jihoon is a fascinating dancer, talented and hardworking. Soonyoung knows he could have had a lot to learn from him. They could have a lot to learn from each other too actually, helping each other grow as dancers, but clearly that’s not happening any time soon.

“You aren’t already swamped with workload right?” Wonwoo asks the Saturday before classes start.

“I do have some readings to do for tomorrow…” 

“You know I meant that as a joke, but I really can’t believe how much they put you through.” Soonyoung shrugs and Wonwoo takes out some board game he brought from home. “I think I’ll head over to Jeonghan’s. He’s rooming with Seokmin now, he also went to our high school I think you’ll like him. And Jun is bringing his new roommate, if you want to come meet him too.”

It’s a little frustrating that his immediate thought is that Jihoon might be there and he doesn’t want to ruin the atmosphere and he can tell Wonwoo is about to say something about just that. So he smiles easily instead. 

“Sure,” he agrees, just to avoid questions. He’ll come, meet some people, go back to do his dorm to do his work. That’s the plan.

He ends up staying for longer. Seokmin, Jeonghan’s new roommate is indeed likable and feels a little bit like Soonyoung's long lost soulmate, while Jun’s is Minghao, a sweet quiet Chinese kid although not so quiet when he and Jun spend all night yelling at each other in Chinese over Mario Kart. Soonyoung can’t help but notice Jihoon watching quietly on the side, hair trimmed short compared to the overgrown bangs he had just a few weeks ago. 

They don’t speak at all, Jihoon and him. They make eye contact maybe twice but it’s always brief and awkward. So Soonyoung plays Monopoly with Wonwoo, Seokmin, Seungcheol and Jeonghan and when Jeonghan wins because he somehow convinced Seokmin to give him all the properties for free, Soonyoung goes back to his room.

☆

The workload for second year is almost comically difficult. For Academic studies he has Advanced Statistics and five Business classes, none of which are huge lectures where the professor won’t realize he’s missing, so he actually has to attend to pass. He was so busy last year he only really made one good friend, Joshua, who is thankfully in most of his classes again. On the first day of Statistics though, he sits next to some tall guy named Mingyu who is apparently in four of his other classes too, so Soonyoung quickly takes his number.

Befriending Mingyu was more of a self-interest thing – there’s no actual way Soonyoung will keep up with all the work so having a friend in each of his classes helps. But Mingyu is surprisingly nice, he sits next to him in almost every class and even brings him a coffee halfway through the third week. Soonyoung learns that it’s kind of great to have a new friend like this, outside of his other friend group and by the fourth week of school almost every lunch he spends together with Mingyu and Josh. 

For his Dance classes his concentration for the semester is Hip Hop which is Soonyoung’s favorite, a great positive balance to the seven classes he’s taking outside of it. Seokmin is with him too, which is just an additional blessing. Seokmin is too fun and talented and asks Soonyoung a lot of questions that help him feel as if maybe Soonyoung has the right to be in that program after all. Maybe he’s not just some guy trying to take on too much, but a real dancer and a good one too. 

He has to take a workshop of any kind in addition to his main track, just to fill out credits, so he picks ballroom since it’s only an hour twice a week and overall seems like a pretty straight forward course. He realizes pretty quickly however that he’s very wrong and ballroom was a complete mistake. Not only is he horrible at anything technical, but Seungcheol and Jihoon are also in that class. Fucking miserable.

He sees them immediately when he walks in on the first week of class, they’re hard to miss with Seungcheol’s kind gummy smile contrasted with Jihoon’s much less friendly scowl and Soonyoung waves, just to be nice, but stretches alone on the other side of the room. When he glances up again it’s kind of pleasing to see that Seungcheol looks like he’s scolding a slightly flustered Jihoon.

They’re paired with girls for the class, which should feel exciting but Soonyoung has no energy to spare to even really pay attention to who he’s dancing with, especially when he spends most of the class stepping on his partners’ feet and he’d rather forget ever meeting them at all. 

Jihoon on the other hand is a superstar. His height fits girls well and he’s good at the technical part of classical dance and it’s easy to notice girls whispering at the edges of the room to see who will be the lucky one to dance with Jihoon that day.

“Seems like girls are comfortable with your height,” their teacher mentions to Jihoon one time while Soonyoung is on cleaning duty after class. Soonyoung doesn’t look up as he wipes the floor but he knows Jihoon is aware that he’s listening. “I’ve been paying attention to you for a long time and I must admit but something about your dancing has changed." Soonyoung can’t help but glance at Jihoon. “You seem more relaxed. Smoother. I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ll bring out for Contemporary.” Jihoon smiles briefly then looks away with a quiet, sincere thank you. When he goes to the edge of the room to get his stuff, he notices Soonyoung looking.

_Shit_, Soonyoung thinks going back to scrubbing the floor aggressively. The last thing he wants is for Jihoon to get pissed at him for whatever he finds wrong with Soonyoung that day, and when he looks up again a few minutes later, Jihoon is thankfully gone.

☆

Soonyoung meets with his supervisor a few months into the semester after she caught him outside his Hip Hop class one day because he’s been ignoring her emails. She says she just wants to see how he’s doing but Soonyoung doesn’t really like the prospect of people not believing he’s doing well enough as it is. His evaluations are good, except ballroom probably, and he’s getting good grades in his academic classes as well. When Soonyoung tells her that, Lia says she just wants to check how he’s doing mentally and Soonyoung calms himself a little, appreciating that.

“I’m fine, really.”

“You’re taking almost fifty hours worth of classes, Soonyoung,” she points out. “That’s not a normal schedule at all. I want to make sure you’re doing well, not just academically. You still have the option of adding a semester–“

“That won’t be necessary,” he interrupts making Lia sigh.

“You’re a strong and talented kid,” she tells him. “Our goal here is to give you more opportunities, not to extinguish your passion.”

“And my passion is only growing,” Soonyoung assures her. “I like being busy. I like feeling like my hard work is paying off… If I feel too much pressure, I’ll let you know.”

“There are a lot of stubborn kids in this program...” she mutters to herself. “What about internships? Jobs or upperclassman recitals?"

Soonyoung knows a lot of people are joining shows this semester, but those are casted through connections in workshops or going to auditions. Soonyoung has time for neither.

“Like you said, I have almost fifty hours worth of classes.” Lia looks like she’s about to tell him that building a network is important but she lets it go, dismissing Soonyoung and reminding him to come to her office if he ever needs anything.

☆

Even if Soonyoung says he’s fine, he’s behind. The only class that’s going well is Hip Hop but otherwise the semester feels like a blur. His Business classes are redeemed solely by Joshua and Mingyu who help split work with him and he somehow passes by, but ballroom doesn’t improve. He still stumbles over people and can’t keep up with the music when he’s focusing too hard on where to step. It’s halfway through May when their teacher can no longer tolerate it.

“Are you even trying, Kwon Soonyoung?!” She demands when Soonyoung trips and steps too hard on his partner’s foot. The whole class has stopped to watch Soonyoung’s partner kneel on the floor with her hand on her toes and Ekaterina’s accusatory finger pointed at Soonyoung’s chest. “It’s been two months since the semester started, if you don’t want to take this elective seriously, you can leave my class!” Her voice is booming.

Soonyoung ignores her, staring at his partner instead, utterly humiliated. How did this even happen? He goes down to tell the girl he’s sorry and she shakes her head as a polite _don’t worry about it_ but Soonyoung can tell she’s annoyed. He bows to Ekaterina then in apology. 

“I’ll try better,” he says quietly while she watches sharply, before letting out a frustrated sigh.

“Jihoon come here.” She says and Soonyoung freezes. “Partner with Soonyoung, maybe if he observes up close he’ll finally understand how to properly dance.” Soonyoung glances at Jihoon, his face looks impassive but the way his lips press together is a quick giveaway of how he really feels. “Come on, quickly,” she rushes him when Jihoon doesn’t move and restarts the music. “Move on, everyone! Waltz formation!”

Soonyoung stares at the floor as Jihoon comes up, clearing his throat when he’s in front of him. “Soonyoung,” his voice is quiet, tight, unhappy. He offers his hand. “Just push through this so she cools off. Maybe you’ll learn something while you’re at it.” Soonyoung doesn’t respond and Jihoon breathes sharply through his nose offering his hand. “I don’t want this either, okay? Just follow my lead.”

Soonyoung didn’t mention anything about not wanting this. That’s not what he was thinking at all. He was just humiliated in front of the class, in front of his teacher, but Jihoon has once again made it all about himself. Soonyoung meets his eyes and he knows he’s glaring because Jihoon lips part slightly when he sees his expression, swallowing when Soonyoung slides his hand into his.

“Put your hand on my shoulder,” Jihoon says quietly and Soonyoung does as told, Jihoon’s other hand settling on his waist. “I’m going to step forward and where my foot goes, yours moves away,” he explains slowly, patiently. He is so close like this, it’s probably the closest they’ve ever been, Soonyoung can see the way his eyebrows are thick and skin is soft and pale, blotchy red on the top of his cheeks from dancing. There’s a small freckle right below his left eye and when Jihoon meets his eyes between explaining, Soonyoung looks down at the floor to watch their feet instead. This has to be the first time they’re talking since that night before his Calculus exam too and it’s a weird experience. An awkward one. Something about the way Jihoon’s eyes are sharp and attentive yet not really meeting his or the way his lips purse between sentences... Soonyoung finds himself getting distracted until Jihoon steps forward and Soonyoung on instinct steps back.

“Pay attention to what I’m doing and then we’ll switch okay?” Soonyoung nods observing their feet and Jihoon goes slower than the tempo of the music, expertly finding a rhythm that it works with the song anyway. They do that for about half a song until Jihoon says it's time to switch and Soonyoung can’t help noticing how it’s easy to curl his fingers around Jihoon’s waist.

Soonyoung stares at the ground the whole time, studying their steps, making sure he’s doing them properly, trying even harder because his and Jihoon's partners are on the side, watching and discussing. Ekaterina is watching too and so is Jihoon and Soonyoung feels deeply in his bones that he doesn’t want to let anyone down. Not anymore. He exhales when he stutters and Jihoon squeezes his hand in support and the surprise of it sends a rush through Soonyoung's chest driving him forward.

“Just like that,” Jihoon says when Soonyoung finds a proper rhythm. “Let’s speed up.” They do, and when Soonyoung can keep up quite well Jihoon’s fingers press around his again and Soonyoung presses back, hand tightening on Jihoon's waist from excitement that has their eyes meeting.

“Sorry,” he breathes out, embarrassed and Jihoon only shakes his head, dismissing it.

They’re separated after a few songs and Jihoon nods politely at Soonyoung when he steps away and it’s a weird feeling to watch him go back to his partner and see his original one coming back.

“Please don’t step on me again,” she jokes but Soonyoung is too lost in his head to laugh about it as they take their positions. Her waist is smaller than Jihoon’s naturally, but not by much and Soonyoung can’t help but glance at Jihoon on the other side of the room before focusing on his partner and starting the dance.

“Much better,” his partner smiles when they’re done and Soonyoung smiles back feeling just a little more confident.

“See, it isn’t so hard?” Ekaterina says harshly before dismissing the class and Soonyoung bows again, humiliation coming back. When he straightens out he sees Seungcheol give him a thumbs up and Jihoon by his side watching him back. He wants to thank him, it’s a weird desire, to talk to him, to get that approval he just cannot obtain. Jihoon only nods at him again before Soonyoung has time to gain the courage to come up and Soonyoung thinks, a little regretfully as he watches Jihoon leave, that maybe for now even that is enough. 

☆

Soonyoung and Jun decide to celebrate their birthdays together, mostly because Jun offered to plan it all for them and Soonyoung doesn’t mind having a fun weekend especially if he doesn’t have to spend time organizing it.

“I told Jun we should go clubbing, since I know a place,” Seungcheol tells him after ballroom class the weekend before. “So prepare a sexy outfit, we're going all out,” he winks. Jihoon is next to him, texting on his phone and Soonyoung ignores him too.

“God,” he runs his hand through his hair. “I’ve never done anything like that.”

“It’s nice to let loose sometimes. I feel like you could use a fun night like that,” Seungcheol pats him friendly on the shoulder and even Jihoon looks up at that pocketing his phone.

“I have to go to practice,” he tells Seungcheol along with quiet goodbye to both of them before getting out of there.

“He’s in so many shows this semester,” Seungcheol says as they head out of the practice room as well. “Girls seem to be excited to dance with him. We took this class to hang out but instead I just threw him in the dating pool,” he whines as if jealous but Soonyoung can tell he's just trying to be funny. There's nothing really to say back to that though so Soonyoung only nods. Jihoon and girls is too much of a strange concept in his head even if he’s seen him dance with plenty of them in their class. It’s hard to visualize Jihoon being romantic with someone when he’s rarely ever seen him be kind. Is he even capable of that?

“What about you? Seeing anyone? Doing any projects?” Seungcheol asks as they walk out the building. He and Seungcheol don’t really talk at ballroom but he does come over to their room pretty often since he’s close to Wonwoo, so they’re familiar, but not really enough for these heart-to-hearts. 

“No. No time,” Soonyoung answers on autopilot and Seungcheol watches him as they walk down the hall.

“You want to talk about it?”

“I’m fine, nothing to talk about really, just pushing through the semester,” he says with an easy smile that Seungcheol doesn’t buy.

“Well, I hope this weekend is a good distraction for you. You have people to talk to if you need, remember that, alright?”

Soonyoung nods, staring at the floor and feels his throat tight for a second. “Thanks, Seungcheol,” he says too sincerely and the warm clasp of Seungcheol's hand at the back of his neck feels grounding.

☆

Seungcheol isn’t the only one to treat him like a fragile vase about to crack. Every night Wonwoo stays awake just to make sure Soonyoung returns to the room before four in the morning. He texts him frequently, too, to check if he has eaten mostly, and even does his laundry without Soonyoung having to ask, since he's aware that Soonyoung has zero time for it. Soonyoung is thankful but he really tries to tell Wonwoo to leave it alone, but Wonwoo doesn’t listen. 

“It’s nice to help you,” Wonwoo tells him. “You won’t ask for it, but god you need it.” 

Soonyoung wants to disagree but coming back to his room to clean clothes on his bed feels too good.

"I owe you," he says for the millionth time instead and Wonwoo's smile is way too kind to hold him to that.

For academics, Josh and Mingyu save his life. Joshua writes outlines for him when Soonyoung forgets about essay deadlines and Mingyu buys him coffee when they go to the library since Soonyoung refuses to step foot in the coffee shop when he saw Jihoon still working there around the second week of the semester.

People are tiptoeing around him, he can feel it. He wants to appreciate it but it’s hard not to let it get to him. Not to make him feel like he’s weak. Even Jeonghan stares like he’s thoroughly psychoanalyzing him whenever Soonyoung finds time to join a Friday hangout to see his friends. That’s why having happy pill Seokmin in Hip Hop helps, above the fact that it’s his favorite class. Jun texting him about different night clubs helps too, proving to Soonyoung that he's really invited to a night out even if he hasn’t properly seen his friends for a while now. And Jihoon… Surprisingly, even his strong gaze helps Soonyoung feel like a real person. He’s the only one that doesn’t look at him as if he needs some sort of charity, even if that means a look of great disinterest. At least it’s a break from all the worrying.

When they go out for the birthday celebrations, it is exactly the distraction he needed. Something outside of his packed schedule – loud, exciting, music and alcohol pumping through his veins. They start at a barbecue place and Soonyoung brings Joshua and Mingyu to meet the rest of his friends and when they are all way past tipsy they continue to the club down the street. Even Wonwoo and Jihoon join even thought hey said they wouldn't, and Seungcheol's upperclassman party organizer friend lets them in from the back.

“What are you drinking?” Jun yells over the music at the bar. 

“Whatever you’re having!”

Jun turns to Seungcheol and pats him on the back. “Order us two more of what you’re having!” 

Soonyoung laughs, mind hazy already, too many warm bodies around him and too much alcohol burning his throat. It’s all blurry, the whole night. He’s aware there are too many people touching him, too much skin pressed against his but he’s having too much fun to care when his brain feels lax for once, letting go of everything that has been stringing it tight all this time. 

Distantly he’s aware of more shots shoved in his hand and hands running down his body and someone smaller fitting to his chest. It’s dark enough that Soonyoung can’t see who it is. He doesn’t question it either, taking their hips and enjoying the way their ass presses against him, soft hands covering his over their hips. It’s only when he lowers enough to have his nose press against their neck and his own breath warm his lips that he wonders, strangely, that whoever this is, they're about the size of Jihoon. 

He knows it’s not Jihoon though and suddenly Soonyoung becomes incredibly aware that somehow that’s even a thought that crossed his mind. He steps back, eyes clearing, to see a girl with her hair up and when she feels Soonyoung pull away she frowns at him over her shoulder. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks too close to his mouth and Soonyoung frantically glances around, confused about how he even got there. He sees Seungcheol and Jun giving him thumbs up from the bar and looks back at the girl. 

“Nothing’s wrong,” he tells her and she smiles taking that as a good sign, twisting in his arms to kiss him, hand warm on his cheek. His tongue slides uncomfortably against hers, warm and awkward. Soonyoung hasn’t kissed anyone since some party at the beginning of last year, and it’s almost a weird feeling to be doing it again, all wet and nerve-wrecking even with close to a dozen tequila shots in his system.

She drags him to the bathroom later to go on her knees fingers pulling down his zipper, and he enjoys it. He hasn’t done anything of this sort since his last girlfriend in final year of high school and it feels good, relaxing. Like he needed this release. He just doesn’t know why the top of her head makes him think of someone else’s black hair.

☆

Miraculously Soonyoung wakes up in his own bed the next day and Wonwoo is already up, playing Switch over his covers. 

“What time–” he stops talking, feeling like he’s about to throw up and Wonwoo glances at him. 

“There’s a trash can on the left,” he says going back to his game and Soonyoung twists his body and pulls the bucket towards himself before retching grossly inside. When he feels like it's safe to move he relocates to the bathroom to continue there until nothing is left in his stomach.

Wonwoo knocks on the door a few minutes after Soonyoung flushes the toilet. “You good?”

“I don’t know,” he whines. “I’m never drinking again.”

“That’s what they all say.” Soonyoung only whines again, flushing the toilet a second time and washing his face in the tiny sink. “Please go take a shower,” Wonwoo begs him when Soonyoung comes out. “And get rid of your throw up. I’m begging.” Soonyoung nods tying the trash bag, trying not to smell anything and leaves the bag outside their door to throw out later and showers first, shuffling down the hallway to their communal bathroom.

He keeps the shower cold, standing under the current, eyes closed and begging to be spared any potential headaches. He has way too much work due next week for that. He sees a few hickeys on his inner thighs and one on his hip bone and the memory of the girl comes back him – blurry and unclear. 

He remembers the bathroom stall blowjob but nothing beyond it, did he bring her back home? He remembers finishing in her mouth but everything after is lost and Soonyoung massages his head as if somehow that could bring back lost memories. 

It doesn’t, so he opts asking Wonwoo about it instead. 

“Jihoon and I left pretty early, with Mingyu actually. He’s pretty cool, by the way. Hmmm… Seungcheol brought you home only after three, you threw up for like an hour until you fell asleep on the toilet seat and I had to drag you out,” Wonwoo makes a face of disgust and Soonyoung feels bad again. “I don’t know about a girl though? You could ask him.”

Soonyoung’s phone rings right then and it’s loud enough that he winces hoping it won’t trigger any migraines.

“Hello?” 

“Soonyoung!!!” Well, speak of the devil. “You big stud! Was that you showering? How you feeling? Still alive? Wanna go get breakfast with us?” 

“Us?”

“You, Wonwoo, me, Jihoon, maybe Seokmin and Jeonghan will join.”

“Where’s Jun?” 

“Don’t remember? You threw up on that poor girl and Jun took her home.” Soonyoung is mortified. 

“What?!” 

“Don’t be embarrassed, happens to all of us.” 

“Who is all of us?”

“Okay maybe just you,” Seungcheol laughs. “Come on, it’s your first night out. Let’s go get hangover soup before Jihoon changes his mind about actually joining for once.”

Seungcheol is trying to be funny again but Soonyoung really can’t find anything amusing about any of this.

“Fine,” he says, deciding to be nice anyway. “We’ll come.”

The breakfast – lunch, brunch, whatever you call your first meal when you wake up at two in the afternoon – is awkward and embarrassing mostly because Seungcheol won't stop reciting stories about too drunk Soonyoung who can’t even remember enough to defend himself. Seokmin spends the whole time red from laughing too hard, Jeonghan seems to be saving information for later and Jihoon... Well Jihoon is silent as always. Disinterested. Of course he is since it's about Soonyoung.

“You laugh, but I’m the one who had to listen him throwing up all night,” Wonwoo’s face twists and Soonyoung looks guiltily at him. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever handle another night like that so don’t worry about it happening again,” he says, groaning when he sees Jun entering the restaurant. “Don’t,” he says as soon as Jun joins their table. 

“Don’t worry, she’s not upset about it,” Jun is quick to serve a plate for himself, grinning the whole time. “She’s very nice actually and a contemporary upperclassman, too! She was so thankful she said I can audition for her show next semester!” He grins excitedly, stealing some of the rice right from Jihoon’s bowl and Soonyoung hates his luck more than anything in the world.

Jihoon hasn’t said a single word their whole meal that you’d think it would be easy to forget that he’s even there but his silence is even louder to Soonyoung. Occasionally Jeonghan says something to him and he murmurs back, but mostly he just eats in silence. Distant. Soonyoung wonders if Jihoon is any different when Soonyoung isn’t there because as of right now it’s impossible to tell. 

☆

July is scorching hot and the workload at the end of the semester is way too intense but the finish line is so close that Soonyoung pushes and pushes relentlessly just to get to the other side. Wonwoo’s birthday passes in the middle, too, and Soonyoung uses his small income to get him a new Nintendo switch case that almost makes Wonwoo cry, aware about how hard Soonyoung has been working. They all celebrate by going to a board game café and playing Monopoly in pairs until they’re all way too drunk and way too competitive to keep going. Mingyu and Joshua join as well, and Soonyoung realizes when he sees them come that he isn’t the one that invited them. He’s been so busy he didn’t even notice how close his friends have gotten with each other. Josh has been hanging out with Jeonghan and Seokmin mostly. While Mingyu and Minghao apparently already have plans to take an art elective together next semester and surprisingly Mingyu has also gotten way too close with Jihoon. 

“Are you two not friends?” Mingyu asks a week after Wonwoo’s birthday. Soonyoung is studying at the library and Mingyu brings him coffee mentioning that Jihoon made it, getting zero reaction from Soonyoung.

“No,” Soonyoung replies simply, trying to finish an essay before he has ballroom later. 

“Jihoon is so funny though, I texted him this cat meme the other day saying it looks like him and he replied with the funniest selfie wait, I’ll find it!” Someone shushes him and Mingyu apologizes with a soft whisper scrolling on his phone to find the photo. He scrolls for a while in their chat, enough that it’s almost concerning just how much they’ve been talking. It’s a bit incredible to see really, Jihoon warming up to Mingyu so quickly while he found Soonyoung so constantly overbearing. Well, if by incredible Soonyoung can also mean it kind of makes him want to throw Mingyu’s phone across the room. 

He knows he’s jealous. How can he not be? Soonyoung doesn’t know what the hell he did wrong to get treated with so much hate while Mingyu can gloat and show Soonyoung Jihoon’s awkward close up selfie it takes him two whole minutes to find because of scrolling up their never ending conversations. Soonyoung tries to laugh but it won’t even come out properly and thankfully Mingyu moves on.

He doesn’t like these thoughts. They feel useless. Soonyoung has enough friends, enough work to do instead of spending time worrying about why a stubborn classmate can’t seem to like him. Still, it’s impossible to ignore these thoughts when they see each other quite often, in class, on the weekends. It's hard not to wonder what is so wrong with him when every time their eyes meet, it makes Soonyoung feel worthless. How fucking frustrating. 

Hip Hop is probably the only thing that keeps his head clear that whole semester. Like a reminder of why he’s doing all this hard work among the difficulties, the zero free time and the bone-deep exhaustion. He’s incredible at it too, it’s almost effortless. When the sweat runs down his spine and into his eyes it feels like everything is worth this excitement in his heart, the burn in his muscles, the feel of rhythm under his skin. This is why he’s doing all of this.

“You’re fucking amazing,” Seokmin tells him when Soonyoung comes off the stage after the end of the semester recital and his teacher gives him a handshake. 

“You have too much potential,” she says taking him to the side. “You work so hard. Don’t give up. You’ll be a star some day.”

Soonyoung holds on to that like a promise. 

☆

He goes home over break. He didn’t want to but his mom kept calling him, begging him to come visit and it’s been almost a year since he has seen his parents so it was probably time. 

“Have you been working out?” His mom asks as soon as they greet him at the train station and Soonyoung holds his breath. “Look how you’ve grown,” she adds with a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“I’ve been dancing,” he says carefully. “When I have time.”

“Ah, that’s great, you always liked to dance,” his mom is kind, as always, but his dad looks up from his newspaper. 

“Just don’t let it affect your grades,” he warns before going back to read the news or whatever else he pretends to do while holding the too big paper in front of his face for hours. Soonyoung tries not to glare but his mom notices, hand soft on his cheek. 

“You look great honey, but tired. Get some sleep while you’re here, okay?” 

Soonyoung does. He sleeps for hours and hours and well into the afternoon, spending evenings helping his parents in their farm or at his old studio.

“You’ve been dancing, haven’t you?” Yebin noona asks, watching him from the door one day. She’s his first dance teacher, if you could even call her that since she never actually had any professional training. She simply owns the tiny studio in their town that mostly teaches kids up until the age seven and teenagers like Soonyoung who dream too big.

“Can you tell?”

“Your legs are much more sculpted, arms too and I can’t imagine it’s because you’re working out,” Soonyoung laughs. “And your dancing is sharper, more professional. Are you studying technical?” 

“Not yet,” he slips up, he knows he does and he isn’t sure if it’s accidental. 

“Want a few pointers? I know a few ballet terms, maybe it will be useful.” Soonyoung accepts the help and she walks him through some classical terms and steps and positions and Soonyoung watches himself in the mirror and knows classical next semester will bite him in the ass. 

“I don’t like this,” he mutters and she pats him on the back. 

“You’re strong, Soonyoung-ah. Taller, too. You look great, take care of yourself okay? I’m glad you’re doing what you love.” 

“Don’t tell my parents, though,” he says with a small laugh and Yebin’s brows lower sympathetically 

“They don’t know?” 

“I got a scholarship. And I’m still doing Business, I just don’t think they’re ready to hear about me going against their wishes,” he distracts himself by trying the third position again, flexing his toes. 

“You work hard Soonyoung, just don’t fry yourself too much. It doesn’t end up good for anyone.”

He has a feeling she’s talking from experience but he doesn’t want to intrude. 

“Want to see my Hip Hop recital?” 

She smiles. “Of course.”

He shows her the video Wonwoo filmed and she watches so intently Soonyoung knows she’s catching every detail and the curve of her smile has pride all over it. Soonyoung is surprised how emotional it makes him. His sister came to his recital which felt amazing already, but this… This is his first teacher. It feels deserved.

“You’re so talented, Soonyoung. I’m happy you didn’t give up.”

“Not yet,” he jokes again and her smile is kind, patient with Soonyoung’s continuous self-deprecation. “You should come for my next one, in January.” 

“I’ll be there,” she promises and for the first time since Soonyoung came home, he feels like he can breathe. 

☆

The new semester isn’t as exciting for Soonyoung as it is for most of his friends. Firstly because he’s doing Classical, which he’s already dreading seeing as it's with the same teacher as ballroom. And secondly because usually in second year people finish with their concentrations and start working on their own shows in third year but Soonyoung still has one more semester to catch up on before he can move on to other projects. The dreadful feeling doesn’t get better on the first day either because when Soonyoung is late the only familiar face in Classical is Jihoon. 

He hasn’t seen him since the Contemporary recital where he performed with Wonwoo and Jeonghan. Soonyoung knows he was in a few other upperclassmen shows as well but Soonyoung naturally didn’t go to those. Jihoon’s Contemporary performance was enough for Soonyoung to confirm that everything about Jihoon as a dancer still stands – precision, skill, the way his body bends and flows with the music and the music itself…. It wasn’t a song Soonyoung had ever heard before and Wonwoo had mentioned that it was some random remix Jihoon had found on SoundCloud. The way Jihoon danced to it though, was nothing like last semester. He looked connected, almost intimately, with the melody, sharp gaze trained on the audience so they have no choice but to look back. Soonyoung thought a long time about that performance afterwards, he wanted to tell Jihoon he enjoyed it too but he knew it wasn't his place to. So he didn't say anything, he doesn’t go to him now either, staying on the other side of the room to warm up on his own.

He has enough on his mind anyway with the crippling fear of his lack in technical, so he focuses entirely on the class itself and he’s right to. He’s behind, extremely, only surviving by copying everyone around him since he doesn’t know half the terms the teacher uses despite the little speed lesson with Yebin. 

He learns pretty quickly that Classical is just Contemporary with fancier terms and way too much Ballet that Soonyoung has zero experience in. When class is over their teacher gives Soonyoung a strange look that Soonyoung doesn’t have time to worry about before running out of the room for his Visual Media lecture. Any skills he lacks in, he already knows.

“Soonyoung,” Ekaterina says at the start of their Wednesday class, making sure Soonyoung doesn't run off again like he did Tuesday. “Come to me after class.” Soonyoung’s stomach knots uncomfortably and he stumbles through the whole class which doesn’t help his already poor track record. 

“You can’t take my class if you don’t even know the terms I’m using,” Ekaterina says when they’re alone in the room, not giving him enough time to reply. “Do you not realize you are behind? How have you not asked for help or some sort of guidance? Are you not taking this seriously again?” 

“Of course, I am,” he says because what else he is supposed to say. That he hates technical? With the way her bun is pulled back so tight, her head will probably explode at hearing that. 

“If by next Monday you still don’t know the terminology, don’t attend this class anymore,” she tells him and Soonyoung stands there wide eyed. “You are a talented boy, but talent isn’t always going to bring you to success. If you think you can stand in the back of the class and copy off your classmates the whole semester don’t bother showing up again! For the amount of praise I've heard about you, you continue to be deeply disappointing," she dismisses him with a wave of her fingers and Soonyoung gets the hell out of there.

“Bitch,” he grits out punching the wall right outside the room and when he looks up he sees Jihoon standing with some girl from their class, staring back at him in slight shock. Soonyoung doesn’t even care, walking through them to his Data class he’s already late to. 

Somehow he makes it just on time, stopping by his dorm to switch bags and grab an energy bar, and sits in a seat Joshua saved for him. It’s a big lecture hall which is great because it’s easier to skip if needed or in this specific case to use class time to research classical dance terms instead of taking notes.

“Didn’t Jeonghan used to professionally dance ballet?” Josh asks him on their way to the cafeteria after class. Soonyoung looks at him like he’s his hero. 

“Fuck, you’re right! Maybe he can teach me, thank you!”

He finds Jeonghan in the common room that evening, sprawled on the couch, hand under his cheek as he watches Minghao, Mingyu and Seokmin play some football game on their communal PS4.

“Jeonghan, please save me,” Soonyoung begs him kneeling by his side. 

“Ask Jihoonie.” 

“You don’t even know what I’m going to ask about!”

“It’s about Classical, right? I’m taking Hip Hop this semester so I have enough to worry about and Jihoon is in your class anyway.”

"I'm good at Hip Hop, we can help each other!"

"Seokmin is already helping me," Jeonghan shrugs, still not meeting his eyes. "Ask Jihoon."

"He won't help me, you know that."

“Jihoon isn’t a bad person. He'll help if you ask.”

Soonyoung doesn’t reply to that. Jeonghan doesn't know the shit Jihoon told him last time they decided to help each other. He lets out a frustrated groan and rushes out of the room ignoring Mingyu’s voice behind him ask, “does Jihoon hyung really hate him?”

Does he? Does he not? Does it fucking matter? 

Soonyoung has received enough humiliation from Jihoon as it is. Like he’s really about to go and beg him to teach him classical terms, get rejected, and prove once and for all that maybe he really doesn’t deserve to be in this program. 

It all pisses him off. Only a week into the semester and he’s furious about everything. He passes by his room to grab some things and is thankful Wonwoo isn’t there because he doesn’t know what will come out of his mouth if someone asks him what’s wrong. 

He ends up in the dance studio until three in the morning that night, practicing from videos on Youtube until his shirt is soaked and his toes burn painfully in his shoes. In class the next day his eyes feel swollen and his feet are in too much pain but at least he only misses a few terms, Ekaterina's sharp eyes watching him the whole class. Strangely, he feels Jihoon’s eyes follow him too but he ignores him completely, trying instead to remember any term that he doesn’t know yet and running to his next class right after.

“You good?” Mingyu asks when Soonyoung plops into a seat next to him in the last row of the lecture hall and Soonyoung shrugs pulling his cap over his head and sleeps through the whole session.

☆

He practices relentlessly every night that week, until the weekend guard that doesn’t know him kicks him out of the building around two in the morning Saturday. Maybe it’s a good thing though because he’s passed out as soon as his head hits the pillow and he sleeps all the way to late afternoon. 

“Soonyoung,” Wonwoo is already dressed to go out when Soonyoung wakes up and Soonyoung rolls onto his back, arm over his eyes. “It’s three already. We’re going out for some bibimbap you want to come?”

“I’m fine,” he mutters. “Homework.” He can hear Wonwoo hesitating so he drops his arm to look at him and reach for his phone. “You don’t need to worry about me,” he assures before answering a notification from his sister and sending a thanks to Joshua for sending him some Business Ethics notes. 

“We haven’t spoken since the semester started,” Wonwoo sits back down on his bed, watching Soonyoung. “How’s it going?”

“I suck at Classical.”

“Do you need help?” 

Soonyoung sits up at that. “Yes.”

“I can try… I know you don’t want to hear this but your best bet is Jihoon–” Soonyoung is already groaning falling back onto his pillows. “He’s really professional, Soonyoung. I’m sure he won’t mind helping you.”

Soonyoung stares at the ceiling and knows he’s being cranky about all of this but there’s no desire in him to go beg help from a person who told him quite convincingly to leave him the fuck alone forever. 

“I thought you two were better,” Wonwoo mutters and Soonyoung looks over at him. Wonwoo has always been hopeful about him and Jihoon and it’s not hard to tell why. Soonyoung is still somewhat a stranger to their little group. Most of them have been dancing together for years and years, Wonwoo and Jihoon specifically since early high school. So really Soonyoung doesn’t blame him for wanting them to bond. It’s just not really happening. Soonyoung tried. He doesn’t want to try anymore. 

“We’re okay,” he says just to make Wonwoo feel a little better. “Actually we’re really nothing… Doesn’t mean I’m going to go out of my way to ask the guy for help when he wants nothing to do with me.” 

“You’re asking for yourself, Soonyoung,” Wonwoo tells him. “Look out for yourself in this situation. The person who can most help you right now is Jihoon.”

“Or you.” Wonwoo watches him and then sighs when his phone beeps. 

“You want to come with us or not?”

“Who is going?” Wonwoo hesitates and Soonyoung already knows why. “Just go. I have homework, it’s fine.” 

Wonwoo doesn’t seem convinced but he does leave promising to be back later to help him but Soonyoung doesn’t wait up, going to the library to finish some assignments and then to a practice room to practice technical, keeping his phone off the whole day. 

☆

Somehow on Monday he does well in class. Ekaterina nods in approval watching him keep up with terminology even if his technique still isn’t the best.

“Keep up the good work,” she tells him after class and Soonyoung bows, feeling a satisfying wave rush through his body. At least he’s doing something right. “Make sure to learn pointe next and a proper plié.”

She doesn’t give him a deadline for that one but Soonyoung still spends hours every day practicing well into the night, trying for some sort of toe flex, to bend his knees the right away. The only redeeming factor of it all is that his pirouettes are quite good but otherwise he still struggles in precision. 

Jihoon meanwhile is unsurprisingly the complete star of the class. Ekaterina adores him (Soonyoung didn't think she was even capable of positive emotions), the students love him, girls especially. Soonyoung swears he sees him talking to a new girl every class and he hears enough of Mingyu complaining about it over lunch hours to know that Jihoon is doing very well in that department. 

“I don’t get how he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet,” Mingyu whines. “Can he at least introduce me to someone?” 

“Shouldn't you be asking him about it?” Soonyoung says offhandedly, typing through an assignment due at the end of the hour. 

“I did! But he didn’t give me any numbers. I think he wants to keep them all to himself...” Soonyoung really has nothing to say to that, as usual, and the consistency of Mingyu discussing Jihoon with him is getting seriously out of hand. 

“Mingyu… I don’t know anything about Jihoon. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you and I really need to finish this essay so please, can we just, I don’t know? Sit in silence for a bit?” 

Mingyu frowns at him. “You know you’ve been way too serious since the semester started.”

“I’m just stressed,” Soonyoung admits honestly. “I need to be up to date with everything but it’s like time is slipping between my fingers, I don’t know how to keep up.” The pity in Mingyu’s eyes is unwelcome and Soonyoung shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Don’t worry about me…” 

“You know there are pills to help,” Mingyu says quietly, leaning forward so nobody overhears. “Adderall or Ritalin, you could–” 

“I’m not going to take pills,” Soonyoung glares at him. 

“Maybe not now, but exam season. It could help. Just for concentration and stuff, it’s not too serious.” Soonyoung glares at him and Mingyu leans back shrugging. “Just an offer. I know Josh knows people who can sell it to you if you change your mind.” 

Soonyoung ignores him and finishes his assignment in silence. 

☆

Other than Classical, his semester is filled with four academic classes and two extra workshops since he didn’t get a good evaluation for Ballroom. He takes Lyrical with Seokmin and Jeonghan as well as Modern Hip Hop with Jun and Minghao, who is surprisingly way too good at it. Both classes are great and it’s an awesome confidence boost in comparison to technical even if Jeonghan remains annoying about helping Soonyoung. 

By the end of September, the weather starts cooling again and running between buildings isn’t a sweaty torture anymore which already makes things better. He still grabs lunch with Mingyu and Josh on most days and tries to join weekly hang outs in Jeonghan’s room but somehow everything seems to be moving much quicker than he realized. 

Seokmin gets a girlfriend and breaks up with her by October. Jun also dated someone all the way in summer, Soonyoung had no idea about. Wonwoo apparently starts seeing someone too and Soonyoung only finds out about because Wonwoo sexiles him from the dorm one Thursday evening not even telling him who it is. Soonyoung is at the library when he gets the text and there’s a weird feeling in his gut at how everyone maintains something, friends, jobs, relationships, a life, while Soonyoung is too nervous to get his own coffee in case Jihoon has a shift. 

Girls… Well, simply said Soonyoung doesn’t have time for them and after that last hook up, he isn’t really proud or looking forward to another one. He mostly showers alone in the middle of the night so a quick jerk off is easy just to keep any tension off. He doesn’t dwell too hard over the fragmented images in his head when he finishes into the drain. There is no specific desire, no girl he’s interested in. He’s just using the opportunity so there aren’t any accidental downstairs surprises at an unwanted time. 

There is a girl that offers to teach him some technical and Soonyoung doesn’t see how her seeing him be horrible at something could help him in the romantic department so he accepts the help. It goes well, she’s talented and patient with him and Soonyoung appreciates it too much until she asks him out for coffee after their session and Soonyoung politely declines. 

“It would be unfair,” he explains awkwardly when she doesn’t seem to understand. “I’m too distracted with school right now.”

She’s kind about it in the end, but the next day he sees her whispering with some friends in the corner of the class as they stare accusingly at Soonyoung stretching alone in the corner. He doesn’t know what he expected, should he have said yes? He doesn’t even know her name, it would’ve probably been even more rude to accept. They keep gossiping about him all of class and Soonyoung tunes it out entirely and by the time he leaves the room he no longer cares.

☆

They start seriously considering recitals in the second week of October which falls cruelly at the same time as his midterms. Soonyoung is already doing poorly enough with his choreographing, that after a six-hour useless study session at the library he finally cracks and asks Joshua about the pills. 

“I have these extra from last year, you can have them,” Josh gives Soonyoung a small bag with three capsules the next day. “Try them out... If they help, I can see about helping you buying more. I just want you to be sure about this,” he seems unhappy about giving Soonyoung anything but he can probably tell that Soonyoung is definitely desperate at this point. “Don’t take them all in the same day.”

“Of course.”

“You’re a bit crazy eyed right now, Soonyoung. I’m giving you these as a friend, but also as your friend I won’t give you more if I see they’re no good for you.” 

“I can take care of myself.”

Josh doesn’t disagree but doesn’t seem to agree either, yet lets Soonyoung take the bag anyway. Soonyoung is a little nervous about using any type of drug even something that should be relatively harmless, but also a little too desperate right now to manage surviving academically to the end of the month.

He takes the pills the second half of midterm week and somehow manages to study and take three midterms on barely any sleep, less because he doesn’t have time to go to bed, but because he simply can’t. He’s too restless, too nauseous, too stressed. Maybe Josh had a point about being careful with how quickly he consumes these. 

It’s the night of Friday when Soonyoung finds himself staring at the ceiling at four in the morning. He could study for his Economics exam later that day, but his brain is filled to the brim with terminology that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to squeeze anything else in. He watches some videos on his phone for recital inspiration and when Wonwoo starts snoring too loud he rolls out of bed and tries to go dance instead. 

The practice rooms are still locked this early in the morning and Soonyoung in his sleepless state, forgot his key on the bedside table. He wanders around campus for a little while, until he remembers the clearing in the park by the river where he used to dance first year when he missed it too much. 

It takes about fifteen minutes to walk there and Soonyoung can’t help but feel a little lighter at seeing the clearing again. It’s different to be here in the colder months, his turtleneck sweater is snug around his torso and the trees around him are pale yellow in the darkness, grass crunchy with dead leaves. It feels like so long ago when he danced here by himself in the middle of the night when his roommate would sexile him and Soonyoung could no longer handle looking at Calculus equations. He’d put on music, dance to K-pop groups or whatever he’d feel like until Lia surprised him one evening and told him to come for an audition and changed Soonyoung’s life. 

He puts on a slower song tonight and tries for a routine or anything really, just to clear his mind. Since Classical is mostly just a glorified technical class their recital is more about proving they know their technique than doing anything ballet level, so at least Soonyoung can try for something more contemporary. He dances long enough that his sweatshirt gets discarded somewhere by the tree, and he’s almost considering taking off his shirt too since the cold air can’t catch up with cooling his skin anymore. He has ideas but they leave his sleepless mind just as quickly, heat tingling underneath his skin until the sun is up and he feels so dizzy he has to stop. 

“Shit,” he mutters, leaning a hand on the trunk next to him and running his fingers through his sweaty hair steadying himself so he doesn’t tip over. He should have brought a water bottle but he assumed he’d end up in the dance studio. Now he’s here, dehydrated and exhausted with nothing to drink. He closes his eyes with deep breaths trying to remember where the nearby water fountain was when he feels something press against his stomach, eyes opening in surprise.

“Drink,” there’s an orange bottle in front of his face with a Jihoon attached to it and Soonyoung stares dumbly until Jihoon pulls the cork open for him, offering the bottle again. “Drink.”

Soonyoung does because he needs to for survival at this point. He almost downs the whole thing but stops himself, realizing belatedly that he drank rudely straight from the bottle.

“Sorry,” he mutters, not sure why. They’re not kids to be afraid of some indirect kiss but Soonyoung thinks he probably confronted Jihoon’s biggest fear of potentially coming in contact with any of Soonyoung. He hates that that’s even a thought in his head. _Stupid_. 

Jihoon seems unfazed however, wiping the tip of the bottle against his shirt and Soonyoung takes a moment to look at him. He’s wearing a tight sports shirt and jogger shorts and his bangs are pulled back with headband. 

“How long have you been dancing out here?”

“I don’t know, what time is it?”

“Almost seven thirty.”

“Ah.. Three hours then.” 

Jihoon looks at him like he doesn’t like that answer and it’s not a new look on his face. Soonyoung doesn’t think Jihoon has ever looked at him positively. 

“Your eyes are way too red. Did you even sleep?” 

Soonyoung doesn’t really know where these questions are coming from but he shakes his head anyway. 

“Don’t come to class today, you need to rest.”

“I don’t really see how it’s your place to tell me what to do.”

Jihoon keeps watching him, then sighs. “You’re right. Do whatever you want.” Soonyoung wants to say something, there’s a strange desire to keep him there but Jihoon is already running off and Soonyoung grabs his sweater and phone and follows behind to have enough time to shower. 

He attends in the end, but his head is pounding and he’s barely keeping up at all until the teacher kicks him out of class for wasting all of their time and Soonyoung doesn’t even argue, ignoring the way Jihoon ignores him back. He somehow makes it to his exam after the humiliation, downing a whole energy drink and finishing it in half the time before he goes back to his dorm and sleeps for sixteen hours straight.

☆

On Monday they have their first evaluations and Soonyoung’s goes unsurprisingly horribly. 

“I don’t understand what you’re doing here every day if you have nothing to show for it!” Ekaterina yells in front of the whole class. “Are you even paying attention to your technique? Even your back isn’t straight! How do you still not own ballet shoes? Where is the effort for this class? Do you try at all? Did you practice? What have you been doing since the semester started that you can’t have anything to show for yourself!” 

Soonyoung doesn’t know how, but miraculously he doesn’t cry, hardening his expression enough to make sure he doesn’t show a single reaction. When the person after him starts their evaluation, he sneaks out of the auditorium and locks himself in a bathroom stall for a whole hour, staring at the door trying to think about nothing at all. He’s late for his Media lecture after despite a painful headache and nausea stuck at the base of his throat and a strange and unwelcome desire to go to the office and quit the whole thing. 

Still, he practices again that night. He stays till three am, sweating through his shirt and dancing on burning feet only to get kicked out by his favorite guard.

“I don’t like seeing you do this to yourself,” he says even when Soonyoung complains about it and Soonyoung leaves a scratch on the floor from how angrily he slams the vacuum when cleaning. 

When he oversleeps the next day he doesn’t even feel bad and when Joshua tells him not to ask for pills again Soonyoung doesn’t argue.

☆

He skips two more classes that week showing up on Friday only. It’s no surprise that Ekaterina spends the first twenty minutes of class yelling at him before sending him to the office. 

“I told you to talk to me if you need help,” Lia tells him. 

“I don’t need help,” he says. “I overslept. I’m tired, but I’m fine. I did well on my midterms.”

“I saw. That’s great Soonyoung, but–”

“I’m fine. Please. Please trust me, I know what I’m doing,” his hands squeeze into fists on the arms of the chair. “I know I can do well. I’m just embarrassed because I’m bad at technical, but otherwise I’m okay,” he’s breathing heavily and Lia’s brows lower in concern. Soonyoung can’t stand this whole year of pitying looks anymore but he keeps himself together knowing if he breaks apart in front of her he could lose everything.

Eventually she sighs taking out a business card from her top drawer and hands it over to Soonyoung. 

“I don’t need a therapist,” Soonyoung says immediately and Lia gives him a stern look. 

“Maybe not right now, but you might one day. First seven sessions are covered by the university. Please consider it. Don’t be afraid of help.” 

Soonyoung leaves the office with the card in the pocket of his pants and he thinks if it gets ruined in the washing machine he won’t be upset about it. 

☆

It’s Wednesday night when Jihoon finds him in the practice room for the first time. Or maybe it’s Thursday already, depends on the hour. Soonyoung kind of just dances until he’s kicked out or until his legs can’t hold him up anymore. 

“Sorry, I’ll leave,” he says when he hears the door open, leaning his hands on his knees to catch his breath. He expected it to be the guard so when he looks up and sees Jihoon he laughs, delirious. “Shit, I thought they’re kicking me out again.” Jihoon pauses the music and Soonyoung straightens out, staring back at him until he figures Jihoon won’t speak first. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“You need to go to bed,” he says after a short beat and Soonyoung laughs again. “I’m serious.”

“I know you are.”

“And that’s why you’re laughing?”

“Well I didn’t really realize it’s your place to babysit me.” 

“I’m not babysitting, you skipped four classes last week.” 

“Three classes. I was kicked out of the fourth.”

Jihoon raises a brow. “And that sounds better?” 

“I didn’t pass my evaluation.”

“You won’t pass your evaluation if you sleep less, either.” 

“I might.” 

Jihoon sighs and Soonyoung feels himself grow angry. Who the hell is Jihoon to tell him what to do anyway? To pretend like he gives a shit?

“Show me what you have so far,” Jihoon says suddenly and Soonyoung feels his mouth open in surprise. 

“What?” 

“Show me your routine,” he repeats and before Soonyoung can properly react Jihoon puts the song on from the start and Soonyoung on instinct starts to dance. 

He goes through it mechanically, too aware of Jihoon standing by the stereo with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes trained entirely on his body until he pauses the song halfway and Soonyoung freezes mid-position. 

“That shitty?” He asks with an easy smile but his heart feels like it’s squeezed tight. Small. Insignificant. 

“We can’t all be good at everything,” Jihoon says finally which has Soonyoung laughing for real. 

“Well that simply isn’t true,” he’s still grinning, he can’t help himself. Something about this – Soonyoung miserable and Jihoon there to see it feels like a big hilarious joke. “Look at you.” 

Jihoon’s lips press together as if he’s trying to hold back on saying something and then he shrugs, dismissing it. “I’ve been dancing since I could walk. You shouldn't compare your skills to my training. Technique takes years of practice.”

“Yeah, well… I don’t like being shitty at dancing,” Soonyoung admits quietly and Jihoon watches him for a moment before he picks up the phone connected to the speakers to play the song from the start. When he approaches him, Soonyoung knows his face can’t hide the surprise he feels.

“You need to relax,” Jihoon tells him when he’s near. “Classical music is gentler than hip hop and even contemporary but it’s also the most precise,” he stretches his arm out. “Follow my moves, okay?”

Soonyoung nods, still unsure how this is actually happening, and mirrors Jihoon’s movements as they go through the song.

“See, you follow directions well,” Jihoon tells him a few minutes into his routine. “You need more confidence,” he reaches out and spreads Soonyoung’s fingers. “Relax your hand. Do what you told me, listen to the music, feel it, but don’t forget technique. Music is your partner.”

Soonyoung smiles slightly at that, trying to relax his muscles just a little. “You know, Ekaterina-nim wrote in my evaluation that she’s surprised. That she heard such good things about me but I didn’t meet her expectations.”

“Classical teachers are always the most brutal,” Jihoon shakes his head, he’s still dancing and Soonyoung continues to follow his every move. He doesn’t know how that’s possible, but up close Jihoon is an even more fantastic dancer. Elegant. Confident. He knows exactly what he’s doing. “You know you only need to do this one recital? After that you can pick whatever concentration you want and never dance classical again.”

“I can’t wait,” Soonyoung says earnestly and Jihoon stops to look at him.

“You know you have a classical body though. Your legs are long and you’re terrifyingly flexible.” Soonyoung feels the words go straight to his chest.

“And you’re terrifyingly not." He remembers how Jihoon can barely touch his toes most days and Jihoon actually laughs at that, sharp canines poking through and Soonyoung feels a rush through his spine at seeing Jihoon smile. Incredible.

“What’s your favorite then?” Jihoon asks.

“Hip hop and contemporary.”

“You haven’t done contemporary yet, right?” Soonyoung nods. “Well, just a little left and you’ll get there.” Jihoon watches him for a second, as if making sure if his words worked. “Let’s make a deal,” he says finally and Soonyoung is silent, listening, too afraid to ruin this moment. “You go to bed now and stop practicing late at night and I’ll help you with your recital.” Soonyoung’s eyes widen and Jihoon looks away. “No need to be that surprised, we’ll practice side by side, if you need help I’ll be here.”

“How can I not be surprised…” Soonyoung mutters, heart beating loudly in his chest. “Thank you, Jihoon.”

“Yeah,” Jihoon shrugs. “Go get your stuff. You’re done for today.” Soonyoung nods and hurries to get his things and is again surprised when he sees Jihoon waiting by the door with Soonyoung’s phone already in his hand and the stereo shut off. They’re about to leave when Soonyoung realizes he forgot to clean the studio and even though he tells Jihoon he can go ahead, Jihoon cleans with him.

“Why are you helping me?” Soonyoung asks on their way to the dorms because he can’t help it, it’s just too weird, and Jihoon shrugs.

“Everyone is worried about you and I’m tired of hearing about it,” he says finally and when Soonyoung smiles, Jihoon adds. “Plus there’s too much potential in you, I hate to see it go to waste when you exhaust yourself like this.”

Soonyoung almost stops but quickly keeps walking. “You’re not a bad person,” he says finally.

“I’m not,” Jihoon agrees, looking over at Soonyoung and when their eyes meet he gives him a small smile that Soonyoung is too shocked to return.

“Tomorrow after dinner, eight-ish? Let’s meet at the same studio,” Jihoon tells him before they separate to their own rooms.

Soonyoung can only nod left alone in the quiet hallway and way too many questions in his mind. 

☆

They start meeting just as Jihoon promised, daily, and Soonyoung finds himself swallowing dinner at seven forty after finishing assignments just so he won’t be late. 

“Where are you running off to?” Mingyu finally asks one day when Soonyoung almost chokes on a cheese kimbap. “Seeing someone finally?” 

_Sort of_, Soonyoung wants to say but stops himself. It’s not like it’s a secret that they’re practicing together, but nobody knows about it and something about the privacy of it… Soonyoung doesn’t know why he likes so badly the way it feels special. He has spent so long avoiding Jihoon, thinking Jihoon hates him, that now that they have this little thing that’s just theirs it feels almost deserved. And anyway Jihoon is close enough with Mingyu that if he wanted to he could tell him himself and since he hasn’t well… Then that also means something, right?

“Why haven’t you told Mingyu we practice together?” Soonyoung asks one time when they’re stretching close to midnight before going back to their dorms and Jihoon shrugs. 

“It didn’t come up.”

Soonyoung doesn't believe that. “Are you embarrassed of me?” 

Jihoon gives him a stare. “Terribly.” Soonyoung only smiles, but quickly stops himself in case it will irritate Jihoon. 

“You should get Mingyu a girl’s number finally, he’ll probably leave you alone that way.” 

“I’m not trying to get him to leave me alone,” Jihoon twists his torso stretching his arms and Soonyoung holds his breath almost too scared to say something wrong. “He’ll probably just ask to join us and I have enough of you talking as it is,” he adds and Soonyoung meets his eyes not really laughing even if Jihoon probably meant it as a joke. “And girls… Well, I kind of like the trust I’ve established with the ones that cast me in their shows, so unless they’re interested I don’t want to push any boundaries.”

Soonyoung swallows with a shallow nod. “That makes sense.” They clean together in silence and walk home together without a word. Soonyoung rather no talking than potentially losing their practices. He hasn’t felt this purely motivated the whole year. 

He starts doing better in class too and Ekaterina notices, calling him to the side last class of October to tell him to keep the good work, and focus more on his pointe. Soonyoung still sucks terribly at that considering he never learned it and Jeonghan’s worn out pointe shoes are the only thing saving his toes from bleeding out. Still, he does practice it that night and there’s something so lovely about Jihoon’s pretty hands in his when he supports him that distracts him from any pain in his feet as he tries over and over again until he gets it right.

☆

In November Jihoon starts getting busier with his recital rehearsals so he joins less for practice and it’s not too upsetting when Soonyoung can still see him several times a week. They somehow don’t have each other’s numbers yet so Jihoon just shows up when he can and Soonyoung likes it that way – a pleasant Jihoon surprise. It’s almost too strange how quiet sessions side by side with the occasional jab can become such happiness to him so fast. 

“Your stamina is weak,” Jihoon points out one evening when they’re walking back to the dorms in the near freezing cold, hands squeezed in his pockets and breath fogging off his lips. “Do you work out?”

“I dance.” 

“You know what I mean. You need good stamina to maintain proper dance technique, if you’re tired your body shakes and the whole dance falls apart,” Soonyoung smiles because Jihoon has an interesting way of talking to Soonyoung. Blunt and straight to the point. There’s no softness in his words and Soonyoung kind of appreciates it. It sounds better rolling off Jihoon’s tongue than a teacher’s or sugarcoated by another friend. 

“Okay so maybe I don’t work out.”

“It could help. I jog almost every morning, you can join. We could even try a gym. Muscle strengthening definitely helps control over your body.”

Soonyoung stays quiet, it’s one of those moments where he doesn’t know how he and Jihoon ended up here when three months ago Jihoon wanted nothing to do with him. But now there’s somehow a “we”. He wants to mention it, but it still feels too sensitive. He kind of has a feeling that both of them deeply want to forget Jihoon’s outburst last year so Soonyoung lets them push it aside and enjoy all of this as it is for the time being.

“Sounds good.” 

“Yeah?” Jihoon looks over at him. “Tomorrow morning at six thirty? We’ll run around the park.” 

Soonyoung grimaces looking away. “Maybe I changed my mind.” 

“If your thighs get even stronger you’ll be able to do a four turn pirouette, I’m sure of it,” he sounds it too and Soonyoung can’t help but smile again, watching their feet.

“Thanks Jihoon,” he says when they’re going up the stairs to their dorms. 

“Sure,” he says. “Tomorrow at six thirty then? Meet me here.” Soonyoung doesn’t even have time to confirm before Jihoon disappears inside his room. What an interesting guy, Soonyoung laughs to himself and in his own room down the hall Wonwoo is still awake, frowning when he walks in. 

“Can’t believe you’re back before twelve. Are you going to tell me who you’re seeing?” 

“Just practicing,” Soonyoung yawns. Not a lie but they both know it’s not the complete truth. 

“I know you’re not telling me something,” Wonwoo points out as Soonyoung lazily undresses taking his time to go shower knowing that Jihoon is in there right now. He’s not really a fan of showering with him at the same time. “But at least you’re looking better. You were miserable last semester.” 

He laughs. “I feel better, too.”

“Good. Keep doing what you’re doing then. I’m glad you don’t look dead anymore.”

Soonyoung feels warmth on his cheeks that isn’t very common for him. “Thank you.” 

☆

“Are you coming today?” Mingyu asks over lunch next week and Soonyoung frowns around his sandwich. 

“Where?” 

“Jihoon’s birthday party!” Soonyoung feels his chest hollow slightly. He didn’t know about any birthday party. “The surprise one?” Mingyu keeps going. “The one Seungcheol is organizing… Come on, they didn’t tell you?” 

“Jihoon and I aren’t really friends,” Soonyoung says on autopilot and it still feels very true. Especially right now. Sure they practice together but that’s all they really do and nobody really knows about it. That and jogging in the mornings, although it’s mostly just Soonyoung panting way behind Jihoon who jogs in place waiting for him to catch up. It’s all nice for now and not so awkward anymore but Soonyoung is still aware it’s just a mutual temporary arrangement. Next semester when they no longer share a class… Well, Soonyoung isn’t really sure if they’ll have these anymore. 

“Sorry, you know I would love to invite you right? It’s not personal,” Seungcheol apologizes over dinner since Mingyu had probably texted him about it. “I just don’t want any awkwardness…” 

“No worries, just a heads up would’ve been nice. Everyone else was invited… Even Joshua.” Seungcheol groans. 

“Fuck you’re right, I’m so stupid. You can come if you want, it’s fine I swear. I was being unfair.” 

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung shakes his head. “You’re right. It’s better if I don’t come.” 

And he doesn’t. He practices until it’s about eleven then does some homework before cleaning and going back to his quiet dorm. 

“I waited fifteen minutes for you,” Jihoon tells him a little accusatory when he comes to class the next day, standing over Soonyoung stretching on the floor. 

Right, he didn’t get up for the jog that morning. “I didn’t think you’d wake up.” 

Jihoon watches him for a moment, then sits down by his side. “Why didn’t you come last night?” 

“Seungcheol didn’t think you’d want me there,” Soonyoung tells him honestly and Jihoon doesn’t say anything until their teacher comes in and by then it’s too late. 

Soonyoung hurries out of class as usual after, not because he’s avoiding Jihoon who clearly has something to say to him, but because he’s always late to his Management class which is small enough that his professor is a little unhappy with him as it is. At least that’s what he tells himself even as he sees Jihoon’s mouth opening to ask him to wait. 

Soonyoung feels bad about it, just a little. He listens to Jeonghan and Seokmin tell stories of the party in Lyrical later and it’s a weird feeling to miss out on so much for seemingly the wrong reasons. 

“You know Jihoon asked Wonwoo about you,” Jeonghan tells him when they walk to the cafeteria for dinner after class. Seokmin is on the phone with someone and Soonyoung finds it funny how Jeonghan finds special times to say special things. 

“And Wonwoo told you?” 

“Yeah,” Jeonghan smiles, arm around Soonyoung’s shoulder. “He said it’s the first time he’s heard Jihoon mention you this whole year.”

“Hmm.” 

“Jihoonie has a big heart.” 

“He’s okay,” Soonyoung says and when their eyes meet Jeonghan has an annoying glint of knowing. 

☆

Soonyoung buys a coke and a warm red bean bun at a convenience store after dinner before going to their usual practice room and when it’s nine thirty he grows slightly worried that Jihoon won’t show. 

He does eventually. It’s way past ten by then and he looks flushed in the cheeks as if he had run there. 

“Sorry, rehearsal ran long,” he blows into his hands. “It’s freezing outside.” Soonyoung watches him from the middle of the room in his stupid pointe shoes and hates that there’s a knot stuck in his throat when he realizes that he’s happy to see him. 

“Happy birthday, Jihoon,” he says instead of a hello and Jihoon shrugs it off. 

“Not really crazy about birthdays. I’m sorry Seungcheol didn’t think it was okay to invite you though. I’ll let him know–” 

“He said I could come in the end, I didn’t think you’d want me there.” 

Jihoon watches him for a moment. “I don’t really care if you’re there or not.” It’s an honest answer, and so much of a Jihoon answer that Soonyoung can’t help but laugh before flexing his foot again to show him his near perfected pointe. 

“There’s a bun for you in that bag over there and a coke. The bun is cold by now though, sorry. Happy birthday.”

Soonyoung thinks he hears him mumble a thanks but he isn’t sure and when he spins a few times he looks over to Jihoon to see if he saw his double pirouette but Jihoon is busy taking a bite off the pastry and Soonyoung smiles when he sees the tips of his ears are bright red. 

☆

Jihoon dyes his hair early December in time for their last evaluation and when Soonyoung walks into the practice room to find a boy with bleached blonde hair he almost apologizes and leaves. 

“I’m not that unrecognizable, am I?” Jihoon asks, looking at himself in the mirror. He’s not, but his hair is cut short on the sides and longer on top and so _so_ light Soonyoung can’t help but double take. 

“Why did you dye it?”

“Had to cut it and Jun tagged along and dared me to do it.”

“And you just did?”

“Yeah?” Jihoon raises a brow too dark for his hair. “What’s funny?” He asks when Soonyoung smiles. 

“Nothing. Just surprising.” 

“You could try it too. Something drastic. I think red could look good on you,” Soonyoung doesn’t say anything because what the hell can he say to that? So he just nods politely and they move on with practice.

Their final evaluations go well and Soonyoung’s technical still isn’t perfect but he is much better now and their teacher compliments him enough that even Jihoon tells him after class he’s never heard her be so nice. 

Jihoon’s performance is also amazing. They practice enough together that Soonyoung is familiar with it but it still blows his mind how beautifully and smoothly Jihoon moves around the stage, his gaze sharper now that his hair is so light. His song is beautiful too. Jihoon said he found it randomly on SoundCloud but Soonyoung can see how well he connects to the music now, noticing that it changed slightly as they practiced together as if he’s been tweaking it. He wonders if Jihoon telling him that he’s looking into music last year meant he’s writing his own songs but that seems too extreme even for him. Though with Jihoon… He’s always full of surprises. 

He had thought about asking but everything with Jihoon feels so sensitive. Like he’s balancing on a shaky rope and one misstep will have him falling down a valley to his death. Soonyoung just wants to keep this for a little while longer. 

“What are you doing winter break?” Soonyoung asks on the Thursday before break while they’re cooling off after practice.

“Busan,” Jihoon tells him. “But only the end of next week.” From what Soonyoung knows all of their friends are leaving, and he thinks about offering they hang out but he stays quiet until he catches Jihoon looking. 

“What?” 

“You’re quiet.”

“Well you’re the one always complaining that I’m too loud.” 

“I do, don’t I…” Soonyoung looks away, continuing with his stretches before they head back to their rooms. 

It’s only when they’re walking back in the freezing cold that he hears Jihoon mumble into the collar of his jacket. “We can hang out, you know?” Soonyoung looks over at him. “You don’t need to be afraid of me.” 

“I’m not,” Soonyoung promises and once they’re in the warm hallway of their building, Jihoon asks for his phone to dial in his number.

“Let me know when you’re free,” he tells him instead of goodnight.

In his room, Soonyoung saves Jihoon’s number with shaky fingers and a deep excitement in his heart. He feels like he made it. Like this approval is exactly what he had been seeking for so long. It feels so gratifying. He remembers first meeting Jihoon under the hot July sun, the most all-rounder dancer of their year, the most mysterious one. Already then he didn’t look excited to talk to him, telling him too simply that he loves to dance. Jihoon has always been simple… Maybe Soonyoung pissed him off in a simple way too. Soonyoung thinks about it for a while in bed, unable to fall asleep, staring once in a while at the empty conversation with a new contact – _Lee Jihoon_. 

☆

They all hang out Friday before everyone leaves and play Pictionary in three teams – Wonwoo, Jun, Soonyoung and Jihoon in one group, Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Joshua in another and Seokmin, Mingyu and Minghao in the last. It’s an easy game – one person draws and the others guess and whoever’s team gets the most correct answers wins doesn’t have to pay for the pizza they’ll order for dinner. 

When Jihoon starts drawing for their team Soonyoung guesses every sketch in seconds. Correctly, too. It’s only when they’re done with their whole pack of cards that Jeonghan calls time, the rest of the room too shocked to comment on it. It’s nice to win, Soonyoung thinks, it’s even nicer to see Jihoon grinning at him with something resembling too much of pride. 

“When did _that_ happen?” Wonwoo asks when they go back to their rooms. 

“It was easy,” Soonyoung shrugs. 

“Sure, but not that easy. You were like… On the same wavelength or something. I didn’t realize you two could be in synch so well. Well maybe I did but I never expected for it to actually happen considering you two ignore each other like the plague.” Soonyoung says nothing, aware that Wonwoo is still watching him intensely. “Did something happen between you two?” 

Soonyoung runs a hand through his hair and collapses on his bed. “Last year,” he says and Wonwoo sits on his own bed waiting for more information. “Over break, he got annoyed at me, snapped at me, told me to leave him alone so I did. I guess now it’s been long enough that we’re kind of over it.”

“Are you?” 

Soonyoung glances at him, then looks back up at the ceiling, thinking. “I don’t know. I’m so scared to bother him. I’ve never had anyone speak to me like that… It really felt like he hated me and I still don’t really know why. I know I can be a lot to handle but that felt aggressive… Personal.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Why?” Soonyoung smiles at him. “Not your fault.” 

“Jihoon is a lot to handle sometimes.” 

“He is, but I like that he’s honest.”

“Maybe things will be better this time,” Wonwoo says after a long pause and Soonyoung sighs, eyes closing. 

“Maybe.” 

☆

When break starts, he doesn’t text Jihoon until Jihoon knocks on his door one morning. 

“Where have you been?” He demands a half-asleep Soonyoung rubbing his eyes awake. 

“Sleeping,” he murmurs.

“You know you have my number now you could at least warn me not to come practice?” 

“Didn’t you say you have rehearsal?”

“But I came after!”

Soonyoung’s arm drops. “So take my number instead. I need this sleep. I still have finals to study for.”

Jihoon watches him for a few seconds then lets out a frustrated sigh. “I’m working a shift this afternoon, are you going to study?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be done around eight and we should practice after.” 

“Okay.”

“Great, I’ll see you then,” he says leaving behind a not entirely awake and very much confused Soonyoung.

☆

Soonyoung spends his day at the library, then comes to the coffee shop around eight and the first person to notice him is Daniel. Soonyoung knows him only vaguely from his classes and last year’s New Year’s party. He still occasionally invites him to parties but Soonyoung never has time. 

“Soonyoung! It’s been a while! Are you studying for Business Ethics?”

Soonyoung groans. “Don’t remind me…”

“The prof is easy,” he smiles. “Don’t worry too much about it. What coffee would you like?” 

“Oh, I’m not here for–” 

Jihoon walks out of the staff door right then and Soonyoung stops talking as Jihoon approaches him. 

“I’m ready,” he tells him and it’s a little funny that it sounds like an announcement. 

“Ah, you two have made up?” Daniel grins. “Or maybe you’re the reason Jihoon is skipping on so many shifts?”

Jihoon glares at him then looks over at Soonyoung. “Let’s go.” 

Soonyoung waves bye to Daniel and follows Jihoon out of the store. “If you need to work more, I don’t mind.” 

“I’m fine,” Jihoon assures him. “You’re the one cleaning rooms every day for what? Ten thousand won? You could work here if you want.”

“It’s okay, I’m too clumsy for coffee. And I get a free key to the dance rooms this way,” he grins cheeky. 

“But here you can get free coffee.”

“I’m not that crazy about coffee.”

Jihoon scoffs looking over at him. “Says the guy who would drink three vanilla lattes a day.” 

Soonyoung tries not to show that he’s surprised that Jihoon remembers that but there’s a small awkward pause anyway. “It’s nice to have a hot drink while I study.” 

Jihoon is also quiet and when Soonyoung looks over at him he sees that his lips are slightly chapped. “You can come by for some. My treat,” he meets his eyes and Soonyoung feels suddenly too warm. 

“I don’t get why you’re so nice to me,” he says finally and Jihoon doesn’t answer. “Maybe it’s your way of apologizing,” Soonyoung adds quietly and Jihoon shrugs. 

“Don’t you think it’s the least I could do?” He asks and Soonyoung really doesn’t know what to say.

☆

They spend the next few days practicing back and forth – showing each other their routines. Because Jihoon can’t stand the cold outside, he turns on the heat so high their practice room becomes more and more stuffy and humid as they dance. Soonyoung feels his hair stick to his forehead and air get stuck in his lungs and he can’t make himself look away from the shine on Jihoon’s neck. He’s so fucking beautiful when he dances, too. Blonde hair falling over his forehead, eyes intense and sweat glistening right between his collarbones. When he pirouettes his shirt rolls up just a little and it doesn’t help that Jihoon has a nice toned stomach underneath. Fucking hell, it’s like torture. Soonyoung doesn’t think anything in this world has the right to make him feel that way and he’s grateful Wonwoo already left when he sneaks his hand around himself in bed after every practice. Soonyoung closes his eyes and forces himself to think of anyone and anything else as he comes intensely in his fist. He’s just horny, of course he is. Maybe he’ll fuck a girl at the New Year’s party Daniel invited him to when he stopped by for coffee the other day. That’s what he needs right now. The pretty hands and too white hair of his imagination are unrelated. They have to be. Jihoon would kill him otherwise. 

☆

On Wednesday it snows so hard their University closes all their facilities and Jihoon offers they stay in his room and play Mario Kart instead which is a little bit of a disaster.

“No wonder you never play!” Jihoon cackles when Soonyoung loses for the fifth time in a row. “You’re horrible at this!” 

It’s a weird thing to spend all day with Jihoon. There is no awkwardness between them when it’s just them two (well, Soonyoung ignores any unwelcome thoughts almost professionally). Just the occasional pause when they realize they aren’t that close but it’s not too bad and Soonyoung likes learning little things about Jihoon. He learns that he’s an only child, that he speaks English fairly well because he used to go to dance camp in New York almost every summer. When Soonyoung makes them ramen Jihoon waits almost an hour for it to cool because he doesn’t like food that is too hot and when he’s excited about something his hands fly around him as he speaks, like he can’t contain the energy even in his fingers.

It’s almost too fascinating for Soonyoung. He pieces all of it together, remembering, savoring. Every moment with him feels like it won’t happen again and Soonyoung is careful and strangely afraid. 

They decide to watch a movie because Soonyoung is tired of losing in video games and when Jihoon opens his laptop to look something up Soonyoung notices a music app open. He doesn’t mention anything though, especially when he sees Jihoon’s ears so red against his light hair.

They watch the Black Panther movie in the end because Jihoon wants to and Soonyoung doesn’t want to tell him no. It’s Soonyoung’s first time watching too and Jihoon is too excited about every scene glancing at Soonyoung just to see how he’s reacting and when the movie is over they spend hours talking about it. Well really Jihoon does most of the talking, explaining to Soonyoung in detail about the whole Marvel Universe and Soonyoung listens, or tries to, busy staring at the way Jihoon’s pretty fingers dance when he talks or the way he bites his dried lips between sentences.

“You’re not listening are you?” Jihoon asks after a while and Soonyoung’s eyes snap up to his.

“I am, sorry. Just tired,” he sits up, looking away not really liking all the weird tangents his mind is going on. “I think I should go.” 

“Okay,” Jihoon’s legs cross and he leans against his bed. “My train tomorrow is at twelve but we can practice in the morning.”

“It’s alright, I’m sure you need to pack.”

“Alright.”

_Ah… Awkward again_, Soonyoung thinks with a sad smile. Jihoon sits on the floor by the bed and Soonyoung watches him for a second almost not wanting to leave. 

“We could watch the second Black Panther,” Jihoon offers and Soonyoung opens his mouth to agree, or disagree, he isn’t sure. “You don’t need to be up early, right?”

“I guess not,” Soonyoung says finally and only comes back to his room after three, arm warm where Jihoon’s pressed against his and falls asleep dreaming of ballrooms and tuxedos and a bright blonde boy in a mask leading him in a dance. 

☆

Campus alone is lonely. Soonyoung spends New Years at the party Daniel invited him to and kisses another nameless girl at midnight feeling nothing at all. The rest of the time he studies furiously, practices, visits his sister for a few nights and facetimes Mingyu and Seokmin on an alternating basis and gets about three phone calls from Wonwoo. 

It’s a nice break but Soonyoung still feels exhausted when classes start up again, body hurting when he stretches for his warm up. Jihoon doesn’t show up their first class back and Soonyoung doesn’t know if it’s his place to ask him where he is. So he doesn’t, moving along with his day – he goes to his academic classes, finishes an assignment for the next day, has dinner with Wonwoo to catch up, and goes to the studio to practice. 

Jihoon isn’t there and Soonyoung didn’t expect him to be. He films his routine on his laptop and is monitoring it on the floor when he hears the door squeak open. Through the mirror he sees Jihoon throw his jacket onto the chair by the door and shuffle towards him in rubber slides. At least he’s wearing socks.

“Aren’t your feet freezing?” 

“No,” Jihoon says, looking at his screen. “What are you watching?” 

“My routine.”

“Show me.” Soonyoung moves the mouse but Jihoon stops him, cold fingers on his forearm. “No, dance it for me.”

Soonyoung does, carefully, aware that Jihoon is watching him, gaze sharp and attentive and analyzing his every move. 

When he finishes the dance with a _tour en l’air _he sees a smile tugging at Jihoon’s lips. 

“How did you teach yourself that?”

“Lots of practice, you don’t want to see the bruises on my knees.” Jihoon laughs. “Where were you this morning?” 

“Train was late because of the snow.”

“Didn’t want to leave that bad?” Soonyoung jokes but Jihoon doesn’t react at all.

“Keep dancing,” he says instead. “Your spin is good but your landing can be even better, maybe you can even add another pirouette.”

“I swear sometimes it feels like you’re using me as your guinea pig,” Soonyoung mutters, starting his song over and the smile on Jihoon’s face seems to agree. 

“Your hair looks nice, by the way,” Jihoon tells him on their way back and Soonyoung feels heat on his cheeks that burns against the cold. He was bored alone so he bought bright red hair dye at the closest pharmacy and instead of making his hair red, it made it almost burgundy. So far he has received only compliments about it and he kind of likes it too even if he has to add dye to his shampoo to keep the color. 

“You said red would look nice on me,” Soonyoung says glancing at him and Jihoon hums and doesn't disagree.

☆

January is a painful blur. Painful because Soonyoung can’t feel his feet half the time and he can’t feel his brain either. Exams and endless last minute practice and a green finish line in the form of their recital at the end of the month is his only hope. 

He and Jihoon stop talking when they practice nowadays too, just comments here and there, mostly Jihoon to Soonyoung. Soonyoung barely comments on Jihoon’s routine really, because he’s not good at technical and well… He doesn’t want another outburst. By the end of the month Jihoon starts missing more and more and Soonyoung practices more and more until the guard finds him asleep one morning on the floor of the practice room and confiscates his key. 

Soonyoung doesn’t mention it to anyone, at least it’s only a few days until the show and he can worry about having no key after. It’s not that he can’t use the rooms anymore, but he has to leave before eleven thirty and when he calls off their practice at eleven Jihoon is surprised but doesn’t question it. 

The day of the show is just as blurry as the rest of the month. He has an exam in the morning so he misses dress rehearsal which gets him a public lecture until Ekaterina remembers he’s double majoring and has a special excuse. Soonyoung spends the last few hours before the show sleeping in the costume room until Jihoon shakes him lightly awake early enough so he has time to warm up. 

The performance goes well. Soonyoung loves the stage. He loves the lights on his face, he loves the audience watching, cheering. That’s why he started dancing too, the thrill of the attention, music rooted deeply in his skin and his mind going blank when he can do his routine and know that it’s not just him alone in his small dark bedroom but on a stage with hundreds of eyes trained on him. He always loved it. Thrived off of it, not only the attention but just knowing that he’s so good at it and other people think so too. Even the first time he performed for a talent show in elementary school his teachers immediately told his parents he was incredibly talented.

“Just don’t get distracted,” his dad told him immediately after. And Soonyoung didn’t, not really. He performed at talent shows all through school and spent free time in the small dance studio of his little town copying dances of famous idols and thinking as he goes to sleep how he would choreograph them differently if he could. 

Did he think he had talent? That’s surely what people told him. _You’re so flexible, you learn so fast, you’re excellent on stage, you have so much potential, have you considered doing this professionally?_

He wouldn’t dare though. Still, when he was sixteen a company tried scouting him after seeing him at his talent show. They bought him ice cream and asked him if he’d like to be a star. When he told his parents his dad told him to never step foot on a stage again if he’s going to pretend as if dreams this stupid can ever come true. So Soonyoung ignored the agency calls and danced one last time in his senior year before going off to Seoul to study Business, because that’s where the money is at, right? At least that’s what his dad believes. 

It was a warm May night when Soonyoung caught a woman watching him in the clearing and he gasped in horror at the sudden surprise. 

“Did I scare you?” 

“I’ll be more quiet, sorry,” he said, shutting off his phone immediately.

“It’s okay, I’m not here about that,” she had smiled at him then, coming closer. “My name is Lia, I run the dance program at Seoul University. I’m interested in your talent. Would you like to come in for an audition?”

Soonyoung said yes because he thought stupidly to himself that it’s better to agree to strangers who talk to him in empty parks in the middle of the night. He showed up to an audition the next day and a week later he was offered a scholarship and an open door straight to his dreams. 

And he went through it. Took the opportunity and has been pushing forward for almost three semesters now. Exhausting and difficult and so _so_ worth it, especially now – when the lights are hot on his face and he feels his shirt clinging to his back and thighs burn as he completes a perfect pirouette. There are applauds after, pats on his back and Jihoon’s cheeks dimpling when he tells him he did a great job. 

It’s like a dream, all of it, and Soonyoung is distantly aware that living off an average of three hours of sleep per night will put him in a weird mental state but he doesn’t question it too much, distracting himself by watching Jihoon’s performance from backstage and can't stop thinking how anyone could look so flawless dancing – elegant, sharp, perfect. His skin is pale – even paler in the bright light of the stage – and his hair bright like a halo around him, making his eyes dusted in dark eyeshadow even sharper and when Jihoon finishes with a plié, facing away from the audience Soonyoung swears he looks right at him. 

“You’re amazing,” he whispers when Jihoon passes him backstage and Jihoon smiles at him, with his beautiful sharp canines and just a little cocky twist of his lips and Soonyoung wonders not for the first time if he’ll ever find anything prettier than that smile. 

It’s a weird thought, no longer new, but Soonyoung fears it anyway and lets Jihoon go meet whoever he invited to his show. Soonyoung follows a little later to see his sister and Yebin noona with flowers waiting for him by the entrance of the hall, eyes closing with a small sigh when his sister runs her hand through his sweaty fringe and tells him to shower before they get dinner. He invites Wonwoo to join too, it’s the least he can do after Wonwoo took care of him all year and it’s fantastic to hear compliments and great words especially from Yebin who claims this is exactly what she wished for him all those years ago. 

“Is it worth it?” She asks when his sister is paying for the bill and Soonyoung doesn’t even have to think about it. 

“Yes.” 

☆

His evaluations go by superbly. Ekaterina still says he’s not a perfect technical dancer but she is immensely impressed with his pirouette and the _tour en l’air _he added. Soonyoung takes it. If he would’ve known he’d receive such positive feedback, he would’ve tried even harder. Or at least wouldn’t have complained that much. 

With the showcase over he only has two exams left and he enjoys the slight time off, the extra sleep, using practice time dancing whatever he wants and no longer torturing himself with pointe shoes. He attends Jihoon’s shows too, because Jihoon invites him over text and Soonyoung can’t say no. He goes with Wonwoo and Jeonghan and meets him backstage after, telling him how much he loved his performances, complimenting him over and over again just to keep seeing that smile.

(He tries not to think too much that nights after Jihoon’s performances, he dreams of the same ballrooms and dancing with the same masked boy.)

They don’t really talk otherwise. Just as Soonyoung suspected, they’re not quite friends and Jihoon is too busy to join him for practice with all of his dress rehearsals and maybe he won’t ever join again, Soonyoung isn’t sure. He wonders maybe that’s why he can’t stop dreaming about him so much. Maybe he misses him. Maybe he wanted to keep all of this for a little while longer.

It’s mid-February when Soonyoung joins Jihoon for a jog again. He can barely keep up because of lack of exercise but joins anyway since he hasn’t seen Jihoon in almost a week, forcing himself out of bed and into the freezing rain. It’s too cold and he’s exhausted as they run around the park, and Soonyoung doesn’t want to disappoint Jihoon but he can’t stop glancing at him just to make sure he’s okay, to see if his lips aren’t too blue, if he’s not trembling the way Soonyoung is, looking away when he notices the way his white shirt hugs his back muscles way too tightly.

“I think we should head back!” He yells when the rain is so thick he barely sees ahead of him and Jihoon grabs his hand and pulls him towards the direction of their dorm, cold water beating against them but the skin where they’re touching scorching hot. 

“You’re freezing,” Jihoon whispers when they reach their building. His long fingers press against his cheek and Soonyoung feels himself dripping everywhere, from his chin, clothes, eyelashes. He shudders when Jihoon’s fingers run down his face, wrapping softly around the side of his neck. His hand is so warm and his lips are red against his pale skin and somehow he’s entirely dry and Soonyoung’s eyes close when his thumb brushes his skin.

Jihoon pulls Soonyoung towards the showers and pushes him into the hot water, pulling off his shirt for him until they’re both in just their running shorts and warm shower water pouring around them. 

“Jihoon, what are you–”

“Shhh,” he whispers leaning close. “We need to get you warm.” His lips are close to him like this, just a breath away from his shoulder and when they press against his skin, right below his jaw, Soonyoung shudders. 

“This can’t be real.” 

“Why not?” Jihoon asks, his pretty hands on his waist and extending down his arm to slot their fingers together. “This has happened before, hasn’t it?” He whispers into the corner of his mouth and Soonyoung’s eyes close. “Dance with me, Soonyoung.”

When Soonyoung’s eyes open again they’re in the ballroom from his other dreams. Soonyoung is still wet, in his jogging shorts and water dripping down his chest but Jihoon is dressed in a suit, bleached hair curling against his forehead and there’s no longer a mask over his eyes. Soonyoung feels cold all over and vulnerable but Jihoon smiles at him like he’s doing the best job in the world and dips him when they twirl. 

“Hi,” he smiles above him and Soonyoung’s eyes close again. 

“What the hell is going on.”

“We’re dancing, Soonyoung,” Jihoon tells him, laying a soft kiss right on his cheek before straightening them up. “Come on, it’s not our first time,” Soonyoung hears against his lips. “Are you warm yet?” 

Soonyoung feels warm water against his face when he opens his eyes again and they’re back in the shower except they’re both naked now and the breath Soonyoung lets out rattles his whole body. 

“Oh my god,” his eyes shut tight when he feels Jihoon’s hands run up his torso and he knows it’s a dream at this point, vivid but untrue and he begs himself to wake up. “No, please…”

“Is this how you see me, Soonyoung-ah? How often do I visit your dreams?” Jihoon whispers, hands on his cheeks and voice warm in his ear as he presses closer and Soonyoung holds his breath as he thinks, _All the time_.

“You enjoy this?" Jihoon asks, softly by his jaw. "Dreams of me…Here Jihoonie can be all yours. Here, I don’t have to leave,” There’s a soft kiss under his ear, then by his cheek, and finally on his lips and Soonyoung’s didn’t know anything could be as blazing hot as the inside of Jihoon’s mouth. He feels it burning his whole body, lava pouring down to the pit of his stomach where pretty fingers wrap around him and tug pleasantly until Soonyoung is gasping awake, his own hand tight around his dick. 

“Holy fuck,” he breathes into his pillow, eyes tight, rain beating against his windows when he comes immediately in his underwear and doesn’t move until he hears Wonwoo snoring. 

“Fuck,” he curses again, hand still tight around himself. “Fucking hell. Fucking hell....” 

He drags himself out of bed when his legs stop shaking and when he feels like his dick won’t grow hard again if he thinks of what he can remember. He strips his underwear, hiding it in the bottom of the laundry basket and grabs a towel and shower gel to take the coldest shower of his life until his skin feels icy cold and he takes himself out. 

“Soonyoung?” 

“Shit,” Jihoon is in the exact same running clothes as his dream, wet and pressing against his chest. “Shit,” Soonyoung repeats eyes closing, fingers pressing against his eyelids. “Am I still asleep?” 

He feels a pinch by his elbow and gasps grabbing it. 

“I don’t think you are,” Jihoon grins cheekily, then gently presses again with the tips of his fingers. “You’re freezing, is there no hot water?”

Soonyoung only stares at him, quickly realizing that he’s still completely naked and Jihoon’s touch on his skin is way too warm. Even warmer in real life too. He doesn’t know what to do with any of this information. 

“Okay…” Jihoon watches him warily and Soonyoung has no idea what Jihoon is thinking about him right now. All his brain can process is the memory of the inside of Jihoon’s mouth, scorching hot. “Get back in the shower or you’ll catch a cold,” he pushes lightly before taking a step back to undress and get in his own shower and Soonyoung puts on a warm current and stands there for a few minutes until Jihoon starts humming and Soonyoung presses his hand against the cold tiles feeling pressure build in his dick again when he can’t help thinking of Jihoon showering right there next to him, imagining he’s under the stream with him, pressed close and warm. 

“Fuck,” he mouths weakly trying to not make any noise. This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all. 

It’s not a new realization, just one he didn't want to finally accept. When his heart speeds up if Jihoon’s skin brushes against his or when Jihoon smiles and Soonyoung promises himself to keep making him smile again and again. He’s had these dreams before, dances with a boy in a mask. Just never sexual. And never undeniably Jihoon.

When Jihoon’s shower stops Soonyoung holds his breath.

“Soonyoung?” He hears Jihoon ask. “Are you okay?” 

“Not right now, Jihoon,” he begs, forehead on the cool tiles of the shower wall, breath escaping his lungs only when he hears Jihoon leave.

☆

It takes a few days of isolation for Soonyoung to accept what the hell happened. It’s just lust, he tells himself and he’ll keep telling himself that. He never expected such feelings for a guy but Jihoon has always been full of surprises. This is just another one. So he compartmentalizes images and uses them for jerking off and fantasies hidden in the deepest parts of his imagination.

Jihoon stays away for a few days while Soonyoung deals with his thoughts and helps Wonwoo pack his stuff since he’s moving to an apartment with Jihoon and Jun while Soonyoung is staying at the dorms, making use of the free housing that comes with his scholarship. Wonwoo is still seeing someone he won’t tell Soonyoung about and when he asks Soonyoung if he could leave the dorm again for the evening, Soonyoung uses the opportunity to find Jihoon, trying out the coffee shop first.

Jihoon is standing behind the register when he gets there and Soonyoung walks up to him, a little sheepish. 

“Is now the time, then?” Jihoon asks when they're silent for a moment.

“Yeah, sorry, a lot on my mind,” Soonyoung smiles gently but Jihoon’s eyes narrow anyway. “Do you want to dance tonight?”

“There’s nothing to practice.”

“Just for fun,” Soonyoung asks and it’s a scary question, he’s on that rope again – balancing. Maybe this is the time he’ll finally tip over.

“My shift is over at seven,” Jihoon tells him finally, not meeting his eyes as he prints something on the computer throwing out the receipt and nudges his head towards the receiving counter as he meets Soonyoung's eyes with a small smile. "Hope you're in a mood for a vanilla latte." And even if Soonyoung wasn't, how could he say no?

☆

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really ... all of this is so self-indulgent but i really hope it can be enjoyable >< please i would love to hear thoughts, anything would be so greatly appreciated;;; u can also always hmu on [twit](https://twitter.com/aquariusblues_) or [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/aquariusblues) aaaaa okay.. im out. thank you thank you thank you as always!!!!! 
> 
> (also btw tour en l'air – ballet term for a spin in the air)
> 
> 💘💘💘


	3. Year Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been editing for so long tbh i can't look at this chapter anymore for a little while so if any mistakes have remained im sorry ill read through this again in a few days and pick out whatever i missed;;; 
> 
> it's a 23k chapter soooo many things happen here... I hope everyone enjoys the ride<3

The new semester starts with rain and thunder and Jihoon staring at the ceiling until his alarm rings for the third time. Jihoon snoozes it again and when he looks at the lit up screen, it’s already nearly twelve. 

That’s the good thing about third year, no more 8 a.m. concentration classes but he knows it’s going to be a weird year anyway as soon as he builds his schedule with Lia. Workshops are the only classes that are fixed and those usually run in the afternoon so underclassmen can also join. The rest depends on showcases, internships and the big duet. The showcases Jihoon isn’t too worried about since he built enough connections last year, even over break he already received plenty of emails from seniors who want him to audition. It’s the internships that are an issue and choosing a partner for the end of third year recital. 

He rolls out of bed finally before his thoughts can lull him to sleep again and shuffles into the living room. Wonwoo and Jun are there in their pajamas in front of the TV clearly also refusing to walk out into the stormy weather and Jihoon joins them on Wonwoo’s other side.

“Can we not leave the house today?” He mumbles.

“Don’t,” Wonwoo says.

“You’re supposed to motivate me.”

“It might slow down by the time you have class,” Wonwoo says glancing at the clock. “When is that?”

“In fifteen minutes.”

Wonwoo shoots an enemy and nods importantly. “Then you should hurry.”

They moved in together for their third year. There was always the option of staying in the dorms but Jihoon rather likes having his own room and a shower he doesn’t have to share with twenty other guys.

Soonyoung and the second years stayed in the dorms though. He knows Wonwoo wanted to stay roommates and move in together, but Soonyoung’s dorm is covered by his scholarship and Jihoon can understand the sentiment of declining. So Wonwoo moved in with him instead, and so did Jun while Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Josh rented their own place a few blocks farther from campus.

It’s only been a week since they moved in together but it’s kind of nice so far. Wonwoo and Jihoon are clean and Jun is people pleasing enough, plus he knows how to cook so it works out for everyone.

Jihoon sighs when he sees the clock add a minute and gets off the couch to brush his teeth, pull on sweatpants, some random pair of clean socks and a hoodie. He could try for an umbrella but he’s already going to have to make a run for it and he’d rather not have to deal with it getting blown in the wind.

The jog to class is only seven minutes and he makes it in time, but he’s soaked through entirely, dripping on the floor as he makes his way across the room.

“Damn,” Soonyoung says looking up at him and Jihoon makes a face before taking off his wet hoodie, accidentally almost pulling off his shirt along with it. When he straightens it out, Soonyoung is looking pointedly at his own feet.

“How was Contemporary?” Jihoon asks sitting down to warm up.

“Good,” Soonyoung looks lighter in the beginning of the semester. Fresh. There are no eye bags under his eyes yet and he looks much more motivated than he did just a month ago.

“Great,” Jihoon nods as their Hip Hop teacher walks in. They decided to take the class together actually. Twice a week at twelve fifteen. Somehow it fits in Soonyoung’s busy schedule and of course for Jihoon it’s easy to fit anything in now that he has more free time.

“You want to take it with _me _?” Soonyoung had asked a little shell-shocked when they got their class list mid-January.

It’s only a little bit funny to see Soonyoung be constantly surprised that Jihoon has warmed up to him. Jihoon can’t really blame him for it. The start of their relationship isn’t exactly Jihoon’s proudest moment but practicing with him… Soonyoung is fascinating to dance with – full of potential and seemingly endless talent. Jihoon wanted to keep seeing it up close. 

“We don’t have to. I just miss Hip Hop and I know you do too,” he had shrugged writing it down in his schedule anyway and Soonyoung was quiet for a moment before promising he’ll try to squeeze it in.

He did in the end, clearly, and Jihoon can’t help feel excited at witnessing more and more infinite skill Soonyoung can demonstrate.

“You’re going to do well this year,” he tells him quietly when their teacher starts class. Soonyoung’s ears are rosy when he gets up and his smile is genuine and Jihoon thinks maybe he can afford to share kind words with him a little more often.

★

Jihoon would complain more about his free time but there’s a small benefit to having it when he has a side hobby that lately interests him much more than dancing for four hours at a time. It’s nice that he has his own room too and he uses the money he saved up to buy extra tech to compose music. He had already received his laptop from his parents at the start of second year, but now he bought himself a synthesizer and a software a little more advanced than GarageBand. He wasn’t sure what to get at first, but last May in a moment of weakness he snuck into the Music Building and scoped the equipment there before he was kicked out. It’s been going well too, he started a SoundCloud account under the name Woozi and has been uploading little snippets regularly enough that students have private messaged him for personalized music after hearing the nickname on Seungcheol, Wonwoo as well all his own recital soundtracks.

It’s flattering and satisfying and Jihoon feels like maybe he’s creating something worthwhile here despite not even being sure about what he’s really doing. He knows his equipment is lacking and he’s rusty at the piano despite playing it as a kid and he even brought his clarinet from home to try and play some tunes on that but otherwise… Well, he’s amateur lightly put and it’s just for fun right?

At the end of last semester, Jihoon received a private message from a Music student saying he’s a rapper and would like to collaborate. It took Jihoon a week and a conversation with Seungcheol to gain courage to text back.

That’s how he’s sitting in the lobby of the Music Building now, waiting to meet with this guy who will be the second person to learn of his identity. Crazy. Jihoon’s whole life has always been the stage and bright lights in his face and a name to go with. But here… Here, he’s Woozi. Here he’s faceless and strangely feels more honest too.

“You must be Woozi!” Vernon says as he comes up to him. He’s in a tie-dye shirt and burgundy beanie and his smile is large and friendly.

“Please call me Jihoon,” he replies a little awkwardly, shaking his hand.

“Sure, Jihoon,” he’s still smiling. “I’m Vernon! I love your stuff!”

Vernon is easy to talk to and easy to work with. They meet several times a week in the beginning of the semester and release a song by the end of March that gets more listens in a day than Jihoon ever thought he could receive.

“My teacher wants to meet with you, by the way,” Vernon tells him when they’re having dinner one night after working on another song.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Vernon frowns. “I’m not a Music Major, I’m just doing this for fun.”

“But you’re good at it,” Vernon tells him. “Your stuff is great and you have like seven people asking you for music! Don’t you want to learn more?”

“That’s not why I’m doing this... It’s just for dancing.”

“Uh-huh… Keep dancing, nobody’s telling you to stop, hyung. But expanding your horizons… Exploring something new. If you see potential, don’t you want to go all the way?”

Jihoon watches him unsurely. Isn’t that kind of what he told Soonyoung, too?

“I’ll think about it,” he promises finally and Vernon smiles, satisfied for now.

★

By the first week of April, Jihoon has been casted for four showcases, has written three songs, but still hasn’t chosen a partner for his showcase.

“I don’t really care who I partner with,” he shrugs and Seungcheol doesn’t look like he believes him. They’re cooling down after Lyrical, another workshop Seungcheol requested they take together since they aren’t rooming anymore. They’re taking that and Conditioning as a way to stay in touch. Jihoon also has Jazz with Jeonghan and Seokmin and of course Hip Hop with Soonyoung. Four workshops in total. Piece of cake.

“How many people have asked you?”

_Plenty_, Jihoon thinks but doesn’t want to see Seungcheol get all weirdly jealous again. Ever since he’s broken up with his girlfriend, he’s been sensitive of Jihoon’s “game” as he calls it. He even tried asking Jihoon to be partners but when Jihoon said he'll think about it, he partnered with Jeonghan instead. He says it’s because they’re rooming so it’s easier to plan together and their supervisor commented that their different dance styles will give them a challenge that Seungcheol accepts easily, but Jeonghan deeply regrets.

From what Jihoon has heard Wonwoo pairs with Jun, and Jihoon… Well Jihoon doesn’t know who to pick. He still has a few people asking him over and over again but nobody seems exciting enough for him to agree.

“I have a feeling you already know who you want to dance with,” Seungcheol says when Jihoon says bye to him because he’s late to practice with Soonyoung. Seungcheol doesn’t know that’s where Jihoon is going, but somehow Seungcheol has always known more about him than Jihoon ever realized.

“I honestly don’t care who. I just don’t want to be the one choosing.”

“Hmm," is all Seungcheol says.

★

“How is the semester going?” Lia asks when she schedules a meeting with him halfway through April.

“Good. Easy."

“You don't have a partner yet,” she says.

“I don’t.”

“You should choose one, there aren’t many people left.”

“I don’t want to choose.”

Lia smiles, although exasperatedly. “So agree to the next person that asks you.”

Jihoon has considered that already and less people are asking now but…

“Can’t you just assign me someone?”

“You know Soonyoung doesn’t have a partner yet,” she says scrolling through a spreadsheet on her screen. Jihoon shrugs and Lia smiles at him over her glasses. “You are both such stubborn boys,” she mutters to herself and intertwines her fingers together. “Would you like me to pair you with him?”

“You can do whatever you like.” She watches him for a moment but Jihoon makes sure his expression doesn’t change and then she laughs it off, leaning back to type something on the keyboard.

When Jihoon comes to practice that evening, Soonyoung is clearly jittery. Nervous. Jihoon takes his time setting up his own phone for the speakers while Soonyoung silently stretches on the floor.

“What do you feel like dancing today?” Jihoon asks scrolling through his music app and when Soonyoung doesn’t answer he looks over at him.

“We’re partners for the showcase,” Soonyoung blurts out and Jihoon nods going back to his phone. “You’re not mad?”

Jihoon finds a K-Pop playlist and shakes his head. “Why would I be mad?”

“Because…” Soonyoung stops himself and Jihoon picks a SHINee song before coming up to Soonyoung.

“Because?”

“I didn’t request for it, I just wanted you to know that,” Soonyoung says, getting up. Jihoon knows. Especially since he's the one that kind of asked for it. Well, isn’t that awkward.

“Even if you did, it would be okay." Soonyoung sighs, hand running through his messy hair and Jihoon pokes him in the stomach. “Stop being afraid of me, how many times do I have to tell you?”

“A billion apparently,” he mutters and Jihoon feels a smile curl on his lips that Soonyoung lingers on just a little too long.

They dance random K-Pop choreographies from memory and spend the second hour looking at YouTube videos on Jihoon’s phone for any showcase ideas.

“It’s going to be so cool dancing with you,” Soonyoung says, more relaxed now and clearly thrilled and Jihoon can’t help but notice the darker lines under his eyes now that they’re sitting close together. There are still three months of the semester left and Jihoon already sees the way Soonyoung is losing some of his strength. Usually their practices are such a stress relief for Soonyoung, they don’t even talk much but today… Well, today there was an occasion.

“Focus on your semester, and then we can think of something for the showcase, okay? Don’t stress yourself.”

“I’m not stressed, I’m excited.”

“As long as you get enough sleep,” Jihoon tells him and when Soonyoung’s head hangs low, his ears are a pretty red.

★

Midterms hit Soonyoung full force since he doesn’t listen to anyone around him and takes way too many classes while balancing Contemporary workshops and a showcase he got casted in. He even continues with nightly practices because he’s clearly insane and Jihoon tries to join as much as he can just to make sure Soonyoung doesn’t pass out on the floor again but he’s getting a little busy with his own rehearsals and writing music with Vernon.

(Soonyoung never mentioned how he lost his all-access key but Jihoon asked the guard about it anyway when Soonyoung kept brushing it off. Jihoon never tells Soonyoung that he knows, but just making sure that Soonyoung leaves before midnight is good enough for him to keep an eye.)

Vernon continues to ask occasionally if Jihoon will meet his teacher but Jihoon isn’t ready for that just yet. So instead Vernon brings his singer friend to add vocals to their tracks.

Seungkwan is a talented kid, an energetic one too. Jihoon kind of likes this little secret life he has built for himself. By mid-May his Woozi page has nearly five thousand followers, he didn’t even realize how quickly it’s growing until Seungcheol texts him about it and Jihoon feels humbled but thrilled in a way he had only experienced on stage. 

Other than his workshops with Seungcheol, keeping up with his friends isn’t so hard when his schedule isn’t too terrible. They either spend Fridays at his or at Seungcheol’s, and the only person who barely shows up is Soonyoung and Seokmin as his new roommate apologizes weekly for him.

_He’s busy, he’s tired, he’s practicing_. Always an excuse and everyone knows it’s valid, but Soonyoung has a powerful aura that’s hard to miss even if there are eight of them sitting in a small living room. It’s weird to see Josh and Mingyu there and not Soonyoung, and sure Jihoon is close to both of them now, but Soonyoung introduced them and now he’s barely even there. It’s strange. 

The one person he knows agrees with him is Wonwoo, and Jihoon can tell that he’s slightly lonely without Soonyoung around considering they were roommates for almost two years. Soonyoung does come over some weekends just to hang out with him, yelling at the TV when they watch movies loud enough that Jihoon can hear them from where he’s cooped in his room, large headphones over his ears, but it’s still not enough.

“It’s kind of upsetting that he doesn’t keep in touch,” Wonwoo tells him and Jihoon doesn’t know how this conversation comes up between two guys eating ramyeon at one in the morning in the middle of the week. “I feel like you two are closer than I am with him now, it’s weird.” 

“We aren’t close.”

Wonwoo slurps a mouthful and looks up at Jihoon over his fogged glasses. “Don’t you guys practice every day?”

“I-“

“Don’t lie to me,” Wonwoo asks of him. “There’s no way all that hostility just disappears. I thought Soonyoung was hooking up with someone, but now that I see you’re also gone most nights it’s not hard to connect the dots.”

“We’re not hooking up,” Jihoon says too quickly and Wonwoo’s brows rise.

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“I really didn’t. I said I thought he was hooking up with someone but I realized he’s just practicing with you,” he repeats giving Jihoon a long stare. “Not that strange either, especially since you’re partners and all.”

Jihoon swallows, feeling strange. “Yeah.”

“And anyway if you were hooking up I’d have no problem with that,” Wonwoo adds after they’re almost done with their food.

“But we’re not,” Jihoon tells him and Wonwoo looks like he meant something more.

★

On the last week of May right after midterms, Soonyoung breaks a week long silence after another bit of their wordless, stress-filled practices with a loud groan.

“What is it?”

“Seokmin sexiled me.”

“Oh.”

“Waited until after midterms, though. How kind of him,” he sounds a little pissed though and Jihoon knows he’s just tired.

“You can come stay at ours,” he offers and Soonyoung’s eyes snap up to him.

“It’s fine I’ll just–“

“Text Wonwoo? He lives with me, you know?" Soonyoung’s mouth hangs open stupidly and then he sighs pocketing his phone.

“Fine.”

They walk to Jihoon’s without saying a word, the noises of the city filling in the silence for them and Jihoon can tell from the way Soonyoung’s brows dip low that he’s exhausted and thinking about something else. 

In the apartment it’s also quiet, Wonwoo and Jun strangely asleep before one. Jihoon gives Soonyoung a towel, a spare shirt and sweatpants, and waits in his room while he showers, leaving the door open as he makes small changes in one of the songs he was commissioned for. 

When he hears the water shut off he closes his laptop answering a few of Mingyu’s texts before Soonyoung knocks softly on his doorway.

“All clear,” he mutters and by the time Jihoon is out of the shower, Soonyoung is still awake on the couch. 

“Go to sleep, okay?” Jihoon asks him quietly and he can see Soonyoung glance at him, face lit up by the screen of his phone. Soonyoung hums but it doesn’t sound convincing so Jihoon comes closer. “I’ll confiscate your phone.”

“I’m just turning on the alarm,” Soonyoung mutters and Jihoon stays there just to make sure Soonyoung locks his phone and puts it on the TV table. 

“Goodnight, Soonyoung,” his voice feels like a whisper in the dark and Soonyoung lets out a small sigh before wishing him goodnight as well.

It’s a strange awareness as he climbs into bed, that Soonyoung probably took back his phone anyway. That he’s looking at YouTube videos or watching his recital over and over again as if visual memorization will help his performance. Jihoon doesn’t like the way it makes him feel, Soonyoung’s constant work, exhausting himself, not allowing himself any breaks. 

Isn’t it his fault that Soonyoung is doing all of this in the first place?

When Jihoon wakes up a few hours later to get a glass of water, he regretfully finds Soonyoung passed out with his phone in his hand. It’s pointless to get mad about it, at least he’s actually asleep.

★

The first time Soonyoung shows Jihoon his recital idea, Jihoon is left a little breathless. It shouldn’t be a surprise at this point that Soonyoung is an amazing dancer, but it still amazes him. In a good way. Such a good way. Soonyoung has always had this slightly silly air around him when he’s just being himself, but the way he hardens into something completely new when he dances – like a rough diamond waiting to be polished. A shining star.

Incredible.

Jihoon loves it. He really can’t put it into words how much watching Soonyoung fascinates him. First year it riled him up. It made him jealous. But in his second year… Well he realized what kind of talent Soonyoung possesses. There’s a reason an unknown boy in the park caught his eyes two years ago. It was that under-the-surface potential, waiting to be dug up and shown to the world.

Jihoon was never a man for metaphors but then he started writing music and lyrics… Well, lyrics are somehow poetry, right? Pretty words and metaphors and emotions put into lines that someone else – in this case probably Seungkwan – would sing. When Jihoon watches Soonyoung dance all he wants to do is put what he sees into words – the feeling of it, the energy, the beauty.

When Soonyoung shows Jihoon his recital choreography, Jihoon watches with his arms crossed and eyes focused and he gives a few comments of where he could fix a few things. Where he can make things longer, stretch the tension and where to cut it short. Soonyoung takes every piece of advice like their drops of gold, eyes trusting and unwavering and when he dances again he already somehow adapts every single one of Jihoon’s suggestions. It’s fascinating. When Jihoon gets home that day, the first thing he does is write a song.

(Jihoon has three notebooks full of lyrics stuffed in his bookcase from last year alone. It’s safe to say that with just these practices alone he’s written over five songs only from seeing Soonyoung dance. Maybe Jihoon has an idea of what it’s like to find a muse…)

(Somehow it’s a terrifying thought.)

★

Soonyoung stays over a second time in the beginning of June when Seokmin sexiles him again with a three paragraph long apology and it’s Jihoon who sees the text come in text as he’s rewinding the song to the beginning on Soonyoung’s phone. 

“Is this going to be a regular thing now?” Soonyoung whines and Jihoon distracts him by telling him to perform from the top.

Soonyoung does, diligently, but an hour later when the reality hits him again he sits uselessly down on the floor.

“You can stay at ours again, it’s fine,” Jihoon promises pulling him up. “I’ll treat you to naengmyeon on the back, okay? There’s a good–“

“Fine,” Soonyoung agrees because free food is impossible to refuse for any college student.

By the time they’re home it’s nearing one again and they shower quietly one after the other and Soonyoung is lying on the couch again, scrolling on his phone when Jihoon comes out.

“I really will have to confiscate your phone today,” Jihoon tells him and Soonyoung ignores him. “Don’t ignore me,” he says coming closer and Soonyoung’s brows furrow as Jihoon crouches next to him and then he freezes when Jihoon tries staring at his screen. 

He’s looking at videos of course, Soonyoung isn’t like most of their friends who waste hours playing random mobile games. To him this research is always the priority. Plus it's not like he's any good at those games anyway.

“I’ve been saving some videos for recital ideas if you want to watch,” Jihoon says, watching Soonyoung close and Soonyoung stays utterly still. From here Jihoon can see the subtle scar on his cheek and he wonders not for the first time where he got it from. “You’re just going to stay here watching videos anyway, aren't you?” Jihoon’s voice is as low as a whisper and Soonyoung lets out a long breath, pressing his phone to his chest. Jihoon gets up, pulling Soonyoung up by his forearm. “Come on, let’s go to my room. I don’t want to make noise here.”

Soonyoung sits up but doesn't follow Jihoon right away, until Jihoon is already sitting on the edge of his bed with his laptop, loading up the videos from the links he saved in a document. When Soonyoung finally shows up in the doorway, Jihoon leans over to turn on the bed light and asks Soonyoung to turn off the light. 

“I’m…” He starts slowly and Jihoon looks over at him.

“You were going to watch videos anyway, right? I’m not so tired so we can watch a few before we go to bed. Maybe then you won’t use your phone till god knows what hour.” Soonyoung looks positively stressed at that and Jihoon sighs. “We don’t have to, I just thought–”

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung closes the door and comes closer carefully, sitting down next to him. He’s looking around the room curiously and Jihoon realizes it’s his first time in there. “You play instruments?”

“Piano, guitar, and clarinet yeah,” Jihoon says and presses play, noticing the way Soonyoung’s hands are squeezing the edge of the mattress. “Okay look at this one, I was thinking we’ll do something slow but the songs speeds up in the middle – so start with contemporary and then lead to a bit of hip hop and end with lyrical,” he keeps talking about it and Soonyoung sits quietly on the side listening. “I feel like it would be cool to explore every style of dance, even though we should think of a focus theme. How does that sound?”

“Great,” his voice is soft in Jihoon’s dim lit room and it’s still crazy to think that Soonyoung can have such quiet moments. When Jihoon glances at him, Soonyoung’s eyes are only half open, tired, but at least he doesn’t look nervous anymore. He just looks like he needs some sleep.

“You can sleep here,” Jihoon says, surprising even himself. “I’m sure it’s more comfortable than the couch.” 

“The couch is fine,” Soonyoung doesn’t meet his eyes, watching the suggested videos on the side of the YouTube bar.

“Want to watch some more?”

Somehow they relocate onto Jihoon’s pillows and a few videos later Soonyoung’s breath slows until he’s asleep, cheek just slightly away from Jihoon’s shoulder and Jihoon closes his laptop quietly, staring at the ceiling.

It’s a strange feeling, almost a satisfying one. He was almost convinced Soonyoung never sleeps at all, but here he is, eyes closed, deep breaths pouring from his lips. Soonyoung looks peaceful like this. His brows aren’t furrowed anymore and his hand curls softly by his face and it’s weird how again and again when he’s with Soonyoung like this he wants to write a song.

In the morning Soonyoung is gone and it takes a few of their meetings for him to meet his eyes properly again and maybe Jihoon finds it all a little bit precious, too.

★

Soonyoung’s birthday is celebrated together with Jun’s again at their place. Wonwoo uses his free afternoon to bake a cake and asks Jihoon to come out of his room for once to help out and then they call Mingyu to join because they quickly learn that they’re both entirely useless in the baking department.

“Jun likes chocolate,” Wonwoo says and Jihoon hums. 

“What about Soonyoung?”

“Well he’s always eating those chocolate energy bars,” Jihoon says offhandedly, mixing the batter. When neither reply he looks up. “What?”

“Nothing, you’re right,” Wonwoo says kindly and Mingyu nods a little impressed.

“Shut up,” Jihoon tells them, continuing with the batter. “We aren’t strangers.”

“Right, you’re partners now,” Wonwoo says pointedly and Jihoon keeps mixing harder.

Soonyoung has an audition that day for a summer dancing job. He didn’t want to go, but Jihoon asked Wonwoo to help convince him and when he arrives finally a little past nine his mood is too good and he clearly doesn’t hold back drinking every soju cup that's put in his hands.

It’s nice to see him like this, Jihoon thinks from where he’s sitting with Jeonghan and Wonwoo with their own beers. Soonyoung has always been good at smiling freely when he’s with them and it’s endlessly fascinating to be able to see such two different sides of him so clearly – the free-spirited Soonyoung that has fun with his friends and the hardworking Soonyoung that works himself dry, day and night, eyes calculating and brows pulled low. It’s a curious duality and Jihoon wonders how many more sides of Soonyoung he could get to know one day. 

“How did the audition go?” Jihoon asks after Soonyoung and Jun blow out their candles and Jeonghan is dividing the cake into plates. They’re at the edge of the kitchen and Soonyoung is trying to pour himself a glass of water but he keeps missing so Jihoon does it for him.

“I think I did good,” Soonyoung grins at him, flushed and happy. “Thank you,” he takes a few sips and wipes some sweat off his forehead. “I’ll hear from them in a few days.”

“Good luck,” Jihoon tells him and Soonyoung laughs the way he always does when Jihoon is a bit too serious. He gets called over to the living room and Jihoon is left alone with Jeonghan watching him, licking the chocolate right off the dull edge of the knife.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You always have something to say.”

“You don’t want to hear it.”

Jihoon watches him then closes his eyes, sighing. “You’re right.” When he passes him on the way out the kitchen, Jeonghan pokes his cheek and Jihoon jerks his head away, glaring at him.

Back out in the living room everyone is trying to come up with dares for their birthday boys which ends up in daring Jun to kiss every guy in the room (Wonwoo is the only one he kisses on the mouth, and Jihoon’s kiss ends with a punch in Jun's stomach) and for Soonyoung to bleach his hair which is followed by Soonyoung’s brave drunk confession – “That’s it?! I’ll do it right now!” 

Twenty minutes later Soonyoung is leaning against the bathtub, eyes shut tight and smile way too wide as Cheol and Jeonghan massage bleach onto his scalp while Jun films, cackling. Jihoon brings a bottle of water into the bathroom later when he knows the bleach starts burning, but Soonyoung is still smiling.

“Bleach ruins your hair, you know?” 

“But it looks sexy as hell.” His eyes are closed and Jihoon can’t help but consider that he’s the only one in their group of friends that has ever bleached his hair – if he doesn't count Jeonghan’s blonde era in high school but Soonyoung wasn’t around for that.

“Does it burn?” 

“So badly.”

“Drink,” Jihoon tells him and Soonyoung leans forward to take a few sips of the bottle right from Jihoon’s hand and when some of it dribbles down his chin Jihoon reaches for the toilet paper to wipe it off. 

“It’s like you’re the reason I stay hydrated at all,” Soonyoung jokes. 

“Someone needs to take care of you.”

Soonyoung looks at him from the corner of his eye and Jihoon gives him a small smile.

“Is that why you dyed it brown?”

“Huh?”

“You said bleach will ruin my hair.”

“Hmm,” Jihoon nods. “This way it’s something different, but not too damaging.”

“It looks nice,” Soonyoung tells him and Jihoon head tilts a little.

“But bleached was sexy?” The quick flush that spreads across Soonyoung’s cheeks is almost comical.

_Interesting_, Jihoon thinks and when Cheol walks in to see how Soonyoung is doing Jihoon leaves to get more water. 

When Soonyoung shows up with his bleached hair on Sunday night, it’s bright and it suits him. Jihoon isn’t sure he can really think of Soonyoung and sexy as a unified concept, but something about the way Soonyoung throws his blonde hair away from his forehead feels like an entirely new experience.

★

Next week, Soonyoung runs into Hip Hop class the happiest he’s ever looked, crouching next to Jihoon already stretching on the floor.

“Guess what?” He grins and he’s clearly deludedly excited with how close he is to Jihoon’s face.

“You got the job?”

“Yes!” He plops down onto the floor and sighs, happy. “It’s a short summer camp in Daegu for a few weeks. I know it’s not too long but it also feels great, teaching kids how to dance! The pay is pretty good, too, and they’re taking care of my expenses. The woman who hired me owns a dance company and said I can come in for another audition for a back-up dancer at one of those special Music Bank shows where idols do covers? You know what I’m talking about? The audition is later this week but she said I basically got it!” He’s talking so fast, stretching at the same time and Jihoon watches as he bends effortlessly in half, a familiar feeling brewing in his chest. It’s like first year again with this strange jealousy that he isn’t proud of. Jihoon never got opportunities like that, sure he has been joining many shows but that’s nothing like getting hired for an idol-level back up dancer.

“How did your evaluation go?” Jihoon asks just to distract himself.

“Super!” Soonyoung looks up at him from under his blonde bangs. “All thanks to you, seriously! I added the twist you recommended and the teacher loved it so much!”

Jihoon sighs as he bends to try and reach his toes and hates how difficult it is for him when Soonyoung is speaking effortlessly with chin practically resting on his thighs. “I’m glad,” he says after a moment when he leans up again. “For both, congrats, Soonyoung… You’ve earned it.”

Soonyoung is a little speechless for a moment before he sits up slowly, smiling, cheeks bright against his pale hair.

“I love it when you’re nice to me,” he mutters sheepishly when their teacher calls them for class and Jihoon doesn’t know why his heart suddenly feels small.

★

The day after Soonyoung gets his job, Jihoon messages Vernon that he wants to meet with the head of the Music department. It’s like some unknown part of him was ready to come out at Soonyoung’s news – all his previous assumptions were finally confirmed. When Soonyoung wasn’t part of the real dance world yet, all his fears felt far away but now…

Soonyoung is simply a better, much more suitable _everything _that Jihoon is not. He learns faster, he’s friendlier, more likable, more hardworking and most importantly taller with his cruelly long and sculpted legs. He’ll be unstoppable once he makes a name for himself, Jihoon really believes that. So where does Jihoon fit in all of this?

Where is his place? 

His parents stopped asking him about internships, so did Lia, so did all of his friends. Jihoon still joins shows because he loves to dance and no matter how much his participation in student shows impresses Soonyoung, when people accept every showcase it’s not because they’re good enough to be in each one. It’s because they don’t have anything else, no other jobs. They only have that.

Vernon gets Jihoon a meeting on the coming Thursday and Jihoon is nervous as he nears Bumzu’s office, door open and a welcoming, kind smile waiting for him inside.

“So you’re the mysterious guy I found sneaking around the studios last year?”

Jihoon flushes, apologizing with a small bow. “I am so sorry."

“It’s alright, sit,” Bumzu grins. “I appreciate curiosity. Vernon sent me your SoundCloud page when he first met you… You impressed me immediately. How did you learn to write music?”

“GarageBand…”

“And?”

“I’ve always played instruments – guitar, piano, clarinet. I’m a dancer too, if that matters.”

“Sure it matters,” Bumzu won’t stop smiling. “I spoke to Lia about you.” Jihoon’s eyes widen and Bumzu raises a hand to calm him down. “Lia is concerned you’re putting yourself into a stump since you don’t seem to be showing interest in much lately. She’s actually glad you found another hobby.”

“Because dance is useless to me?”

“It will never be useless to you and you know that.” Jihoon stays silent. “But another hobby, another goal and passion, that’s never a bad thing. Your music proves that and so do all the recitals this past year that feature Woozi on their tracks.” There is a pause and neither speaks. “What are you doing here, Jihoon?”

“I want to learn music,” he admits finally. “I think I have potential.”

Bumzu’s smile looks almost proud when he says that and he opens something on his computer. “How does your schedule look for next semester?”

“Empty,” Jihoon admits. “I can work around this, I prefer it that way.”

Bumzu nods, turning the screen to a list of classes and when Jihoon leaves he has a schedule ready and a printed declaration of a Double Major.

★

Mid-July Soonyoung arrives to practice exhausted and elated and Jihoon is sitting with his laptop and his headphones on, working on music instead of dance. 

“I had Music-Bank today!” He says and Jihoon doesn’t want Soonyoung to feel bad just because he knows nothing about any of these Idol things.

“How was it?”

“I saw Twice in person… They’re so pretty. I never realized real people could look like that. I felt so out of place though, it was so weird with all the make-up too. They had to pick me up at four in the morning just to put seven layers of foundation on, I swear! Fuck I’m so tired… I was there for fourteen hours. I think I did well though, the choreographer was really happy with me especially since I only showed up to two practices beforehand… All this idol stuff is so last minute!” 

Jihoon listens patiently and when he doesn’t say anything Soonyoung looks at him apologetically.

“Sorry.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. You look like you want me to apologize.”

Jihoon can’t help but laugh. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Soonyoung doesn’t reply, instead asking if he can check Soonyoung’s recital piece again and Jihoon agrees, putting his laptop aside.

As usual his performance is great. Better every time. Soonyoung watches himself in the mirror as he dances and Jihoon prefers it away, because something about Soonyoung’s intense gaze is too hard to handle even for Jihoon who has been performing his whole life. It feels too alive, like coming in contact with it will burn his skin.

Jihoon leaves a few comments for him, only because Jihoon is good at pinpointing little things. Where Soonyoung should lock more, where he can add a flick of his wrist or a spin or just general points to strengthen. Soonyoung focuses on those for the rest of the hour and Jihoon goes back to his laptop, working on a song he needs to finish by the end of the weekend.

“Are you not dancing at all today?” Soonyoung asks when his shirt is slightly soaked and bangs cutely tied into a small fountain on the top of his head.

“No. I don’t get how you’re doing it. Didn’t you say you were busy for fourteen hours?”

“Yeah, sitting on my ass! I only did like thirty minutes of actual dancing! It was so boring honestly, I was just playing some games Jun recommended to me. If anything, it’s my eyes that are exhausted.” Jihoon nods, deleting something on his laptop and Soonyoung comes closer. “You know I can see what you’re doing through the mirror,” he says, crouching down in front of him. “Are you writing music?” There’s no point in lying so Jihoon nods. “How long?”

“A year and a half now,” he says, meeting his eyes and he doesn’t even think before he asks. “Wanna hear?”

Soonyoung sits next to him, warm and sweaty, rubbing his towel furiously at his face as Jihoon unplugs his headphones and turns up the volume to play what he’s been working on. It’s only two minutes long and by the end the corner of Jihoon’s thumb is raw where he’d been chewing, but Soonyoung had stayed patient the whole time, watching the screen.

“If you would’ve told me, I think I would’ve asked you to write something for Contemporary.”

“Your song fits you though.” Soonyoung can somehow make Taemin’s music even sexier. 

“Then for our show, you could compose for us.”

Jihoon licks his lips looking back at his laptop. “Are you sure?”

“You’re Woozi aren’t you?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon swallows because this feels too strange to let Soonyoung into such a secret part of his life. Soonyoung feels like that last person he could ever tell, but now he did. And freely… Who would’ve thought.

“Yeah,” he says in a near whisper and when he looks at Soonyoung, he’s watching his mouth before he meets his eyes, smiling slightly.

“Then I trust you.”

_Breathe in, breathe out,_ Jihoon tells himself. He feels like he could fly.

★

Trusting Soonyoung is a wonderful thing. He’s not sure what it is about it, maybe it’s just the trusting part, or maybe it’s Jihoon feeling more confident overall. Lia approved next semester’s schedule and Bumzu sent him homework to work on before he joins classes next month. His showcases go well and when he’s free, he’s at the practice room, Soonyoung asking curiously how his songs are going and making sure his own music is turned down even if Jihoon has his huge headphones on while working.

“You know you don’t have to stay here if you want to work elsewhere,” Soonyoung tells him. It’s a daily comment at this point and Jihoon brushes it off.

“What if you need help?”

“Then I’ll call you.”

_I want to be here_, Jihoon thinks. Because he should practice some dancing too. Because Soonyoung is going down his exam season spiral and he wants to make sure he doesn’t drive himself to the ground again living solely off his powdery chocolate energy bars. And maybe because there’s something inspiring in seeing Soonyoung dance that makes writing music easy.

These days they walk home in silence and Jihoon doesn’t like bleary eyed Soonyoung that feels so far away because of too many things swimming in his head.

“Can I help somehow?”

“I just need to push through,” Soonyoung tells him, with a small tired smile. He has so many different smiles, one for every occasion. Jihoon pockets this one in his memory, too.

Soonyoung does push through. Of course he does. He seems to be doing pretty well mentally overall, except he kind of breaks into tears when Jihoon brings him a box of his favorite energy bars to Hip Hop class before his first exam.

The Contemporary showcase goes amazingly, as well. Soonyoung does even better than the thousands of times he performed his routine in their practice room. It’s like Soonyoung feeds off this wonderful attention he receives on stage. It makes him shine brighter. Jihoon noticed it last year already, especially when he did so fantastically for Classical. But this year Jihoon isn’t backstage. He’s in the audience, truly witnessing Soonyoung performing for the first time.

He’s no longer the boy dancing alone in the dark. No longer the boy he saw smiling easily through his audition, or bending in half, exhausted because he couldn’t master a stupid pirouette.

This Soonyoung… With his hair dyed beautiful silver and the heavy bass of Taemin’s _WANT _beating in tandem with every cell under Jihoon’s skin. It’s sexy. It’s alluring. A mix of professional contemporary that would be impossible if Soonyoung never took technical, and some hip hop popping and that stupid smirk on his lips when he lifts his chin and moves his hips.

“Are you breathing?” Jun teases after Soonyoung is off the stage and Jihoon honestly doesn’t know himself.

Incredible.

He’s just incredible. Jihoon feels so much pride in his chest. It blooms rapidly through his body and seeing Soonyoung with a huge bouquet and his sister kissing his red full cheek only makes it bloom harder.

“How did I do?” Soonyoung asks, bangs thrown off his forehead and there's a bright shine at the bottom of his neck. Jihoon still hasn’t said a word and somehow everyone is in their own little conversations by then and it feels a little like it’s just them two.

“You’re really amazing,” he says, like a small prayer. A confession. Soonyoung’s response is a beautiful smile and the way it pulls his eyes tight coincides with the tightness in Jihoon’s own chest. Soonyoung keeps smiling even as his sister drags him away so they can get dinner and Jihoon goes back to his apartment with Wonwoo and Jun too lost in his head to comment on Jun’s arm snug around Wonwoo and a deep melody heavy and true, dying to come out.

★

Jihoon writes the song he wants to use for their recital that night and doesn’t see Soonyoung because of his other exams until the party Cheol, Jeonghan and Josh throw at their place for the end of the Semester.

He misses him, Jihoon realizes as he arrives at the party and is overwhelmed by the amount of people there. He grabs a beer quickly from the kitchen and starts drinking before the crowd gets to him. It’s one thing people in the audience, it’s another thing people surrounding him. There’s only so much of that he can handle.

“Jihoonie!” Cheol cheers when he sees him, squeezing him tightly. “I miss you so much,” he says into his neck and Jihoon feels a little more relaxed. Jihoon is good at disappearing from people’s lives if he’s not forced to see them and Seungcheol has been his roommate for years that not seeing him everyday is still strange even if they took a few classes together.

Jihoon spots Soonyoung with Seokmin when Cheol finally lets go of him, getting distracted himself with another group of friends and Jihoon joins them, a little tentative.

“Hi,” he says sitting down on the arm of Seokmin’s chair. They’re in the middle of a chess game and by the looks of how flushed they are Jihoon easily assumes they don’t actually know what they’re doing.

“Jihoon!” Seokmin grins and Soonyoung grabs his knee, fingers digging in.

“Please get me away from here. I don’t want to play this anymore,” Soonyoung begs and Jihoon laughs, petting Soonyoung’s hand a little awkwardly. “Don’t laugh! I’m serious!”

“Shut up! You’re just saying so because you’re losing!”

“You’re cheating!"

“You’re lying!”

“Horses can’t teleport!”

“Jeonghan says they can!"

“Not everything Jeonghan says is true!”

“That’s also a lie!” Soonyoung looks exasperatedly at a laughing Jihoon.

Jihoon ends up somehow dragging both of them away from the board before they start fighting for real, and they spend the next hours between drinking and dancing and more drinking and Jihoon is not a huge fan of getting wasted but Josh and Jeonghan join them and somehow rope them into agreeing to take shots every time someone laughs which gets them drunk without even really noticing especially when they’re together with Seokmin and Soonyoung and a drunk Jihoon who can’t stop laughing at everything either.

It’s more than eight shots later – Jihoon stops counting – and the world refuses to stop spinning. He’s in the middle of the impromptu dance floor of Seungcheol’s living room together with Seokmin and Soonyoung dancing on either side of him and he can’t stop laughing his ass off at their dumb dance moves. At one point Seokmin grabs Soonyoung and grinds dramatically against him and Jihoon has to pull them apart because it’s just too much and his throat hurts from cackling.

“Jihoon show us your club dancing!” Seokmin begs and Jihoon shakes his head, cheeks on fire from the alcohol and the heat of the living room. “I know you can be sexy!” Seokmin adds. “Come on, Soonyoung tell him!”

People keep pushing around them and Soonyoung is close enough to Jihoon that his hand goes to his hip to keep him closer when a few people shove by, Soonyoung’s chest hot against his. 

“I’m not sexy,” Jihoon says standing on his own again.

“You can be,” Soonyoung points out and his breath smells too much of alcohol but it also fans across Jihoon’s cheek in a way that has Jihoon’s face heating up rapidly.

“See~” Seokmin teases and his grin is wide and too close to Jihoon’s face as he grabs his hands and spreads his arms, hips moving back and forth as he encourages Jihoon to do the same. Jihoon does, slowly at first, but then it gets more comfortable and he feels Soonyoung press behind him as he and Seokmin close the distance until they’re grinding all three together and Jihoon can’t stop laughing, head falling back onto Soonyoung’s shoulder as he feels Soonyoung’s arms circle around his waist.

This shouldn’t be as comfortable but it is, Jihoon thinks, and when he closes his eyes and feels Soonyoung pressing against his back, he realizes this really shouldn’t be as hot as it is either. 

It’s a weird feeling. Between reality and fantasy, the sway of Soonyoung as his arms tighten around him and Jihoon lays his own fingers over Soonyoung's. When he opens his eyes, Seokmin is no longer there and he twists in Soonyoung’s arms to face him.

“You good?” Soonyoung asks, his hand cold against the sweat on the back of Jihoon’s neck.

“It’s hot,” Jihoon murmurs, eyes closing when Soonyoung’s hand trails down his skin.

“We can go outside,” Soonyoung suggests, temple pressed against his so it’s easier to hear each other and Jihoon’s eyes stay closed, fingers in the loops of Soonyoung’s pants when he shakes his head once.

“I like dancing with you.” It’s not hard to notice Soonyoung’s sharp inhale when it’s right by his ear. Soonyoung’s hands go around his waist carefully and he keeps swaying their hips pressed together and Jihoon doesn’t want to open his eyes, not right now. This feels too good and he knows whatever part of it feels amazing will be lost as soon as he faces the world again.

“How were your exams?” He asks just so he doesn’t have to think about the way Soonyoung’s breath tickles his temple.

Soonyoung pulls closer, nose running along his cheek briefly before he replies in his ear. “Good.”

“Great,” Jihoon feels his breath caught in his throat and he’s distantly aware that Soonyoung’s lips are way too close to his cheek. Oh fucking hell…

His hands go to Soonyoung’s shoulders and at this point he doesn’t even know what music is playing when their hips are so closely pressed together they’re moving from sheer contact alone. He isn’t even sure who’s leading anymore. Does it even matter? 

It feels good. It feels so good, the pressure there, Soonyoung’s short hot breaths by his ear, fingers tightening on his waist and Jihoon is too lost in the feeling to realize what the hell they’re actually doing until Soonyoung’s forehead lowers onto his and they’re just a breath apart.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon whispers almost in warning, opening his eyes to see that Soonyoung’s are closed, shut tight as if in pain, almost as tightly as his hands on his lower back, pushing him closer. “Are you okay?” Jihoon asks and when Soonyoung’s eyes open, he looks distant.

“I’m trying to understand...”

“What do you mean?”

“You…” His eyes lower and for the first time in maybe ever, Jihoon feels self-conscious about his lips. “What are we doing?”

“Dancing?” He asks, every cell of his body aware of the way Soonyoung’s fingers press harder against his body.

“Sure but this is…” He looks far away, not really looking at Jihoon but at the same time looking only at him. For someone whose gaze is always so powerful, right now… Right now he seems to be looking right through him. 

“Soonyoung, it’s too hot. I think I want to go outside,” Jihoon pushes away and it seems to bring Soonyoung back a little as he blinks, slowly. 

“Sure.”

Jihoon lets Soonyoung hold on to his forearm as they walk through the small crowd to the balcony at the edge of the room. Outside is just as humid, just as hot, and Jihoon feels tight all over. On edge. He’s almost scared if anyone touches him again he’ll simply snap in half. Or maybe there’s a tightness in his pants that threatens to harden over if he has one misstep and the fault of it all…

Soonyoung sits on a chair and presses his hands against his face, letting out a groan and Jihoon sits carefully on the chair next to him.

“What’s wrong?” Soonyoung doesn’t move for a moment before he runs his fingers down his face, until his hands dig into his thighs, eyes still closed.

“I’m just tired.”

“Okay… Do you want to talk about it?” Soonyoung smiles a little at the question and shakes his head.

“Not really.”

“Then we can just sit here if you want."

Soonyoung looks over at him finally and Jihoon feels terribly awkward. Their chairs are way too close. There’s shiny sweat on Soonyoung’s temple and a little over his top lip. Jihoon looks down at Soonyoung’s thighs instead.

“You’re so nice to me,” Soonyoung says suddenly. 

“Can I not be nice?”

“Sure you can but this…” Jihoon meets his eyes when Soonyoung won’t finish his sentence and the look Soonyoung has is a little dazzled, he’s watching him so closely. “Have you ever kissed anyone Jihoon?” He asks out of nowhere.

“What?"

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Jihoon’s mouth opens and he stares at Soonyoung a little speechless until Soonyoung sighs and looks away. “I thought you must have with all the girls all over you,” he says, distracted again and Jihoon feels vulnerable.

“I’m just in their showcases… They’re not interested like that.”

Soonyoung looks over at him like he doesn’t believe him and Jihoon is lightheaded from all the blood rushing to his head. 

“It just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe a few times in high school… Not anything serious.” It’s an embarrassing topic to discuss with Soonyoung. It almost feels wrong. Like he doesn’t want Soonyoung to know about it at all but also feels like maybe he does. When Soonyoung lets out a shaky breath, Jihoon stills.

“I didn't expect that,” he says finally and Jihoon feels horribly awkward. “You shouldn’t feel bad about it, you know? I’m just surprised because well… I don’t know? You work with a bunch of girls and you’re funny and good looking and you work out like… Your body is really nice,” he clears his throat. “I’m just surprised.”

Jihoon watches Soonyoung a little wide eyed, a little flustered, a little shocked.

“Have you ever thought of kissing anyone?” Soonyoung asks then, looking right at him.

“I… I guess,” Jihoon says, hating that he stuttered.

Soonyoung’s eyes dart between his for a moment, then Jihoon swears they look down at his mouth again. “Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?"

Jihoon stares at Soonyoung staring at his mouth and they’re much closer than he realized and for a second it’s impossible to breathe. What the hell is going on?

Still, he lets out a small _yes _and Soonyoung only hums, looking away again and Jihoon lets out a quiet, shuddering breath. He knows Soonyoung is going to ask who next and Jihoon is terrified, _terrified _that the only person he can think of is sitting right in front of him.

The balcony door opens right then and Jun comes out holding two beers between his fingers, and his other hand clasped with Wonwoo’s and Jihoon lets his mind get preoccupied with the other very true reality that he has been too distracted to confront.

“You two are together,” he says stupidly.

“You didn’t know?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon knows he’s flushed as it is, if not more now, and doesn’t meet Soonyoung’s eyes.

“I didn’t realize…” He looks dumbly at their entwined fingers and Jun crouches just to meet his eyes.

“Is it an issue?”

“No!”

Jun smiles. “Good.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jihoon looks up at Wonwoo who’s passing Soonyoung a beer.

“Honestly, I thought you knew.”

“How do you know?” Jihoon asks Soonyoung then.

“I saw Jun sneaking into Wonwoo’s room when I slept over a few months ago.”

“You’re just a little oblivious, Jihoonie,” Jun grins leaning too far on the rail that Wonwoo has to pull him back. “We were never hiding it.”

“At least not for the last few months,” Wonwoo corrects and Jun smiles awkwardly.

Jihoon stares at both of them before he accepts the beer from Jun and takes a large sip, and thinks a little belatedly that maybe Soonyoung’s earlier surprise wasn't so weird either.

★

Jihoon returns to Busan over break. At least it’s summer now so he can enjoy jogs on the beach or the occasional dip in the ocean. His parents are busy with their own projects so he’s mostly by himself and even asks Seungcheol if he wants to come down for a visit.

Cheol: _u know soonyoung here too!_

Jihoon: _yea_

Jihoon:_ u can both come_

Cheol:_ o_______________o_

Jihoon:_ just lmk what u decide_

Cheol shows up by himself in the end because Soonyoung is too busy and Jihoon thinks maybe that’s for the best. It’s nice to finally spend time with something that isn’t his laptop, even if his mom is way too excited about Cheol visiting that it makes Jihoon want to regret ever inviting him. 

“Are you not partners with Jihoonie then?” She asks and Cheol seems confused for a moment.

“No, I decided to partner with Jeonghan.” Jihoon’s mom nods in surprise. It really is still a shock to most people, Jeonghan and Seungcheol have nothing in common between their dance styles. Less of a duet more of a self-proclaimed challenge.

“Who are you partnering with then?” She asks Jihoon and Jihoon ignores the look of surprise Seungcheol gives him.

“His name is Soonyoung.”

“Do I know him?”

“I don’t think so,” he isn’t meeting her eyes, toying with his rice instead but her voice is patient.

“Is he a good dancer?"

“Yes.”

“That’s good.” Jihoon nods and lets the conversation drop and when they’re done with dinner Jihoon walks Seungcheol to the train station, tired of listening to his mom ask Cheol way too personal questions.

“You can stay overnight if you want.”

“Nah, all good I’m helping my dad at his shop in the mornings.”

Jihoon hums, warm breeze against his skin and thinks maybe he’ll go back to campus early. Work a few shifts. Try out a music studio.

“Did you tell your parents you’re double majoring?”

“I had to because of tuition.”

“What did they say?"

“Nothing. I think they kind of gave up on me,” he actually laughs at that, shaking his head at Seungcheol’s serious expression. “I’m still going to dance, but I think we all know it’s good that I’m looking at other options.”

Seungcheol throws his arm around him, pulling closer and it’s a weird sense of comfort that Jihoon doesn’t allow himself too often. “You’re going to be okay,” he says.

“I know. I’m actually excited about learning music. It’s new… I’ve been dancing for so long I forgot how many other things are out there to learn about.”

“You’re fine."

“Am I?” Jihoon wonders out loud. “Did you know Wonwoo and Jun are together?”

Seungcheol shrugs. “I’ve suspected it since last year but they only stopped hiding it a few months ago.”

“I found out last weekend.”

Seungcheol looks over at him bursts out laughing enough that Jihoon twists himself out of his arm. “Shut up!”

“Damn. You really can be oblivious about these things.”

“I knew about you and Nayeon!”

“Because she told you. Then it took you two months to figure out we broke up.”

Jihoon groans. “Am I that bad?”

“It’s okay, you’re fine the way you are. It’s actually a little weird to hear you talk about this, in all the years I’ve known you you’ve never even told me a name of a crush”

“I’ve…” Jihoon considers it for a moment but can’t come up with anyone other than this one blonde counselor from his dance camp he couldn’t stop thinking about for years.

“It’s okay,” Cheol tells him again. “You shouldn’t force these feelings… Unless you’re having feelings?” Jihoon shakes his head. “That’s fine then.”

“I’ve only ever kissed two people, one of them was a dare and the other I was too drunk to even remember their face."

“That’s perfectly normal, Jihoon.”

“Maybe I should try hooking up with someone next semester.”

“If you want.”

“I don’t know… I think I do… I…” He thinks of the way Soonyoung’s hips pressed against his, the way his hot breath fanned against his cheek and how much in that moment he wanted more.

“Are you horny, Jihoon-ah?” Cheol teases him and Jihoon jerks his head away from Cheol’s finger about to pinch his cheek.

“I don’t know,” he says honestly and Cheol pats his head.

“You don’t have to rush it. All good. When’s the last time you jerked off?”

“Shut up,” Jihoon says feeling warm in the already humid night and is glad that Seungcheol’s laugh is gentle.

★

Jihoon returns on Sunday before the new semester and when he enters his apartment the first person he sees is Soonyoung in his kitchen. 

“You’re back,” he says stupidly and Soonyoung glances briefly at him while pouring hot water in two ramyeon cups. 

“Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” He puts down the kettle and looks up at Jihoon, smiling. 

“How was Daegu?” 

“Great.”

“Good.” Soonyoung nods. 

Wonwoo comes in and gives Jihoon a friendly pat on the back hello. “You want one too?”

Jihoon shakes his head and lifts his bag. “I think I’ll just take it easy today.”

“No worries,” Wonwoo takes a pair of chopsticks mixing his noodles and Jihoon, after an awkward beat, excuses himself to go to his room. 

He checks his emails first, not that he wasn’t already working on projects back home, but here he has much more equipment so he busies himself with tweaking some songs he wasn’t able to work on over break. It’s almost an hour later when he checks his phone and sees a text from Soonyoung, the first one in almost two weeks. 

Soonyoung: _can i come talk to u? _

It’s a little funny that Soonyoung has to text him to ask. 

Jihoon: _ofc _

Soonyoung knocks on his door in a few minutes and Jihoon slides his headphones off, telling him to come in.

“Hello.” 

“Hey.”

They look at each other for a moment and it’s not hard to tell that the conversation they had at the party created some sort of hiccup in their budding relationship. 

“You wanted something?” He asks, trying to be as nice about it as possible. 

“Um. Yeah… Our duet.” Jihoon nods. “We should start practicing.”

“How does your schedule look this semester?”

“I’m taking eight classes.” Jihoon swallows. It’s not his place to say anything but that’s a lot...

“Do you want to sit down?” He asks because Soonyoung is still standing awkwardly in the doorway. Soonyoung nods and comes tentatively to Jihoon’s bed, leaving the door half-open. When he sits, Jihoon rotates his chair to face him and sucks on his top lip for a moment. “I’m kind of… Also double majoring?” 

Soonyoung’s brows rise. “Composition?” 

“Yeah.”

“Jihoon, that’s great!” He looks like he means it too and the small smile on Jihoon’s lips feels sincere. 

“I’m excited… So I’ll be a bit busy too, it’s okay. Just send me your schedule we’ll work something out. Either in the mornings or at night. I’m sure you’re free most evenings as usual, right?” Before Soonyoung can reply he keeps going. “But you’ll want to join shows, probably? How many are you planning for? Actually it doesn’t matter, we can just work around it.” 

Soonyoung nods, looking a little in awe. “Yes.”

“Good,” Jihoon feels a chuckle at the base of his throat when Soonyoung watches him like this – mouth half open and teeth peeking through in a bewildered expression. “What is it?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry I didn’t come with Cheol,” he says then and Jihoon shakes his head, going back to his computer. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he looks through his USB folder for a moment and then hears Soonyoung getting up. “I started working on a song,” he says before Soonyoung can leave. “Maybe we could use it for inspiration? Do you want to hear?” 

“Oh…” There’s something still so careful about how Soonyoung behaves around him it makes Jihoon want to… He doesn’t even know what. But his chest feels a little tight all over. “Sure.”

Jihoon suddenly feels vulnerable. It’s one thing sharing his created songs, it’s another showing someone a thirty second snippet that’s as chaotic as the inside of his mind. He finds the file and glances at Soonyoung watching his screen before pressing play, chewing on the edge of his thumb as he watches the bar on top of the screen moving with the song. 

When it’s done he lets out a little breath before looking back at Soonyoung still staring at the screen. They’re quiet for a few moments and then Soonyoung meets his eyes, still bewildered. 

“You’re so cool Jihoon,” he says a little breathless.

“Cool?”

“Just incredible. You really are good at everything.” 

Jihoon knows he’s blushing when he feels a little dizzy. “I’m not…”

“You’re only starting your double major now yet you can make music like that,” Soonyoung mutters. “You’re unfair to the rest of the human population.”

“I’ll shut you up.” Soonyoung only shakes his head. “So it’s okay if we write our own recital song?” 

“Of course!” Soonyoung says way too convincingly and Jihoon isn’t ashamed when his lips tug up in a smirk. 

★

They start practicing the first week back. Both their schedules are packed but mostly all of their other big classes are in the mornings, some workshops in the late afternoon (they don’t take anything together this semester), and then their usual practices after eight o’clock. 

Since they don’t really have a full song to go off of at the moment, they mostly just dance, thinking of what kind of vibe they want – contemporary, hip hop, lyrical. What kind of theme? Usually songs with lyrics help but here they’ve challenged themselves with working backwards and when they meet Lia in the second week of school, as their project supervisor she frowns. 

“You need a direction especially since you’re already so behind. Do you have any ideas?”

“Something artistic?” Soonyoung tries. “Something memorable?”

Lia looks at him for a moment. “You need something more specific. Like a storyline… A feeling you want to express through the song.” 

Jihoon sits silently while they discuss ideas, thinking through some other duets he’s heard about – Wonwoo and Jun are doing a rendition of Swan Lake since they’re both too good at classical, Jeonghan and Cheol are doing forbidden love just for the chaos of it all. He’s heard some other people reinterpreting lyrics but they don’t have those yet or maybe they won’t at all depending how the song goes. 

“Think about your own relationship,” Lia says the word carefully like she still doesn’t know what is going on between them. “What kind of energy you feel between each other, go from there.” 

They’re both silent and Jihoon is wondering if Soonyoung is also thinking about his nose running along his cheek at the party last month. 

“Well Jihoon used to hate me,” Soonyoung says after clearing his throat and Jihoon can’t help the thump in his heart. At least Soonyoung said _used to _. 

“That’s good… Maybe you can do something about enemies? Start with that energy and move through with the routine until you end in mutual peace. That should be easy enough for you two.”

They’re dismissed when Lia sets up a meeting with them for a few weeks later just to see how they’re moving along and outside of the office the air is a little awkward. 

“So I guess I have to pretend to hate you again?” Jihoon tries as a joke.

“Not very encouraging,” Soonyoung mutters and Jihoon watches him carefully until Soonyoung meets his eyes. “I’m trying to audition for a few shows tonight but let’s meet tomorrow?” Jihoon nods and Soonyoung waves bye leaving Jihoon alone outside the office feeling somehow guilty.

★

Jihoon’s music classes start off fantastically. They’re new and almost mathematical to his brain after spending so much of his coursework dancing and surprisingly even sitting in a classroom is kind of refreshing. Most of his classes surround Music Theory that Vernon helps him with, and in his free time he takes a crash course – but more like an internship – with Bumzu on how to use more advanced Music programs. Since he can’t drop dance entirely, he does take a few workshops one with Cheol and one with Wonwoo and Jeonghan to keep on top of his technique. When Lia saw he only picked two classes though she seemed a little disappointed but Jihoon promised to audition for student shows plus he has the recital with Soonyoung anyway, so she can’t really complain too much about the lack of dancing in his schedule. 

When Soonyoung shows up close to nine the next day, Jihoon is already sitting at the edge of the room, working on last minute theory stuff. 

“Sorry, another audition,” Soonyoung hair is pulled back from his forehead and Jihoon thinks briefly that his roots are getting too long but doesn’t mention it. 

“How did it go?” 

“Good I think? I think I’ll try for three shows.” That’s probably too much, Jihoon thinks. Jihoon was in five shows last semester with his empty schedule so for Soonyoung’s eight classes… “Should we start?” Soonyoung asks, bending low to stretch and Jihoon closes his laptop to join him for a small warm up. 

“How do we begin?” Soonyoung asks when they’re facing each other. 

“Get in touch with our feelings?”

Soonyoung actually smiles a little at that. “Stare at each other and pretend to really hate each other.” 

“Sure.” 

“Maybe you should yell at me again,” Soonyoung smiles ruefully.

“Soonyoung…”

“What? We’re over it aren’t we.” 

_Are we? _Jihoon wants to ask because even for a guy who knows how to hide anything with bright smiles, Soonyoung’s eyes somehow always remain true. 

“You know I’m sorry about that.”

“Not right now, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung’s voice lowers he takes a step closer, pointer finger pressing lightly against his chest. “Get in touch with what you felt when you told me to fuck off out of your life.” There’s a heated flare in his voice that gets Jihoon’s heart pumping especially with Soonyoung staring at him in a challenge.

“Maybe you should be the one hating me,” Jihoon whispers because up close like this in their empty studio, talking feels too loud. Soonyoung’s eyes are serious on him and Jihoon keeps their gazes locked. 

“Then I’ll start,” Soonyoung says finally, fingers spreading over Jihoon’s chest and pressing as he slides up his hand, watching its movement on Jihoon’s body. “If you want me to stop, tell me,” he adds and Jihoon can’t make himself look away from him. 

“Okay.” 

Dancing in silence is awkward, but Jihoon’s heartbeat pounds hard in his chest so hard it almost creates its own rhythm that Soonyoung somehow adopts. When Soonyoung fingers trail across the skin of his neck, Jihoon presses his teeth together and in a split of a second Soonyoung’s hand locks behind his head and he steps forward, Jihoon stepping back instinct almost tripping over saved only by Soonyoung grabbing his waist. 

“This is not how enemies act,” Jihoon whispers and Soonyoung smiles above him before he pushes off of him and circles around him, Jihoon watching him carefully until Soonyoung reaches with his hand again and tries to take his chin but Jihoon twists away, matching Soonyoung’s circular pace. 

“Who’s going to move first?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon swallows watching back knowing that there is no gaze in the world that can match Soonyoung’s. He’s like a predator. Jihoon doesn’t know how he feels about being his prey.

“What are you feeling?” Soonyoung reaches out with his hand and Jihoon takes it without thinking. “Quick? Slow?” He pulls Jihoon closer again, hand cradling his head and twists their hips. “Sexy?” He asks by his ear and Jihoon feels lightheaded at the smell of faint cologne and sweat and sweet chocolate underneath. 

“Enemies to lovers?” He jokes as Soonyoung tangles their fingers together and looks at him, grinning as they start slow dancing in the middle of the room, way too close for it to be anything like ballroom last year. They move like that for a few minutes and Jihoon can’t make himself look up at Soonyoung anymore, staring at some red spot on his neck, hating how much he loves moving with Soonyoung like this. Slow, both somehow lost in their heads. He could lean forward, he thinks, right onto Soonyoung’s shoulder, he’s close enough. 

“We won’t get anywhere like this,” Soonyoung says finally and Jihoon’s eyes close as he finally lets himself lower his forehead onto Soonyoung. It feels like the skin of his neck radiates heat from this close and Jihoon presses his hand against it, thumb feeling for the quick beat of his pulse. 

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon says quietly.

“Yeah?” The reply is strained and Jihoon leans away to meet his eyes, darkened, waiting until Jihoon pushes him away with two hands against his chest and Soonyoung stumbles back in shock. 

“You really are a tease,” he says and Jihoon cocks his head to the side. 

“Is that something you’ve been thinking about?” 

“It’s crossed my mind.” 

“Dance with me, Soonyoung. For real this time.”

“Don’t be a little shit.”

Jihoon narrows his eyes. “Don’t call me little.” Soonyoung only smiles wider. When he tries to step towards him, Jihoon twists away except he tries it in a pirouette this time and Soonyoung follows more artistically too – hand on Jihoon’s cheek, a twist away fingers trailing against each other before separation, at one point Soonyoung starts creating a beat with slow _dun duns _and Jihoon goes along with it. 

It’s like a tango of sorts and there’s a flute melody ringing in the back of Jihoon’s mind as Soonyoung is close again and their hips match the tune, fingers intertwining and when Soonyoung dips him, hand under his knee, Jihoon doesn’t refuse. 

“We should do a mirror thing?” Soonyoung suggests, hovering above him. 

“Huh?” Jihoon is still suspended in air but Soonyoung keeps talking. 

“I follow behind you and copy your movement, a shadow you can’t get rid of even if you want to.”

“Interesting,” Jihoon says, a little distracted by the way Soonyoung shamelessly stares at his mouth before lifting him and turning him around so they both face the mirror. 

“Move,” Soonyoung tells him and Jihoon does and Soonyoung follows behind him as Jihoon goes through movements, keeping the beat, _dun, dun...dun, dun… dun, dun… _It’s a rhythm and it’s somehow seductive when it’s slow like that – Jihoon’s own movements are slow too and teasing and Soonyoung follows them even as Jihoon tries for something more complicated. “Now run away from me,” Soonyoung’s voice is low by his ear and Jihoon turns around to face him before walking backwards and Soonyoung follows, trying to chase him again and Jihoon escapes until Soonyoung catches him again and spins him around to press his back to his own chest. 

“Caught you,” he says, lips brushing against the shell of his ear and Jihoon lets out a sharp breath before Soonyoung lets go. “Sorry,” he says quickly and Jihoon shakes his head. 

“No worries,” he tells him but takes another moment before facing him. “I think… I think I want to…” He’s too distracted by the melody in his head, by Soonyoung’s touch, by the burning sensation in the pit of his stomach. 

“Yeah, I get it,” Soonyoung isn’t meeting his eyes as he takes a few steps back, hand running through his hair and then over his face. “I’m going to get us some water,” he leaves quickly and Jihoon has to press his hands against his crotch to get the feeling down there to subside. When he thinks he’s got it under control he gets his phone out and records a thirty second melody of Soonyoung’s tempo and the whistle sound he has stuck in his head. Soonyoung comes back almost ten minutes later and suggests they stop for the night, Jihoon doesn’t disagree, separating with him at the entrance even though they can both go home the same way. 

★

It takes Jihoon about a week to write something resembling a melody – it has a steady slow beat, and it’s kind of alluring too, fitting for something in between what they’re trying to do – not really lovers, not really enemies, but somewhere on the edge of both. 

They don’t see each other for that week too, which is mostly because Soonyoung gets into every show he auditions for and has quite a few meetings. Meanwhile, Jihoon doesn’t think he can handle another silent practice with him that may or may not end up with anything revealing in his sweatpants. 

Maybe being a twenty one year old virgin is finally biting him in the ass. He almost asks Cheol to take him out but stops himself. Still not that desperate, it’s nothing he can’t take care of himself. At least for now. 

When he and Soonyoung meet again, Soonyoung’s hair is hot pink and his roots are newly bleached. 

“Did you dye it yourself?” He asks and Soonyoung says Jeonghan, Joshua and Seokmin dared him to do it.

“No, it was so expensive too,” he admits with a whine. “But I’m teaching a few classes a week now, that choreographer from Daegu really liked me.”

Jihoon is speechless for a second. “You didn’t mention that.” Soonyoung shrugs and nods at the laptop before Jihoon can give him a _you’re taking on too much _talk.

“Wanna show me the song?” 

Jihoon plays the tune and Soonyoung dips his head through it. “It’s not the same one as before right?” 

“No.”

“I like it,” he says but he doesn’t sound like he means it. 

“Do you really?”

“Yeah,” he says but sounds even less convincing. He must realize it himself too so he quickly looks up at Jihoon. “I like it, I swear, it’s just not what I expected. It’s…”

“Sensual?” 

Soonyoung’s ears are quickly red nearly matching his already bright hair. “Yeah,” he says. “Let’s try something out then?” 

★

The semester passes as quickly as Soonyoung’s hair fades into a pale pink. And that’s way too fast. 

September is Jihoon telling his parents he’s only in two shows and although they don’t sound sad about it they stop calling him weekly. It’s Wonwoo and Jun moving into the same room basically and Jihoon convincing Soonyoung to sleep in the spare room even when he isn’t sexiled, just to make sure that he’s sleeping at night. It’s Jihoon growing busier with music and not dance, trying for it not to get in his head too much how easily Music Theory comes to him. Most nights now when he isn’t practicing with Soonyoung, he’s in the studio trying out different sounds. 

When it starts getting colder and Jihoon stops running in the mornings and finds quickly that he misses it. 

“Soonyoung,” he asks one day mid-October when they have most of their routine ready. “Remember when we said we’d go to the gym together.” 

“I never said that,” Soonyoung mutters, head leaning back on the wall as he rests his eyes. 

“It could help with the stress.” Soonyoung hums but doesn’t respond. It’s the week right after midterms and his eyes are red in the corners still, from the lack of sleep and the hell of taking five tests on top of at least six rehearsals a week and the two classes he teaches in between. Wonwoo tried talking to him about dropping something maybe, but Soonyoung refused to receive any help at all. Jihoon thinks if he can get Soonyoung to sit like this even for a few minutes and maybe even buy him dinner afterwards, he’s done well.

“You just don’t want to go alone.”

“Maybe,” Jihoon presses spacebar to wake his laptop up and the sudden sound has Soonyoung’s eyes opening slightly. 

There’s a beat of silence and then Soonyoung’s eyes close again. “I’ll think about it.” 

Jihoon sits quietly until he opens his laptop again and tries to study for a quiz he has the next day and when Soonyoung’s breath slows, his head drops low. Jihoon sucks in his lips and carefully reaches to place his head onto his shoulder. 

_Just helping him avoid the neck cramps_, he tells himself, and only wakes Soonyoung up when the guard asks them to leave around one in the morning. 

“I’m sorry, shit, it’s so late you should’ve woken me up,” he mutters through his drowsy state but Jihoon only wordlessly walks him back to his dorm ignoring Soonyoung’s protests when he realizes what Jihoon did. 

“Go straight to sleep,” Jihoon tells him, nudging him softly to the entrance. 

“As long as you text me when you get home.” 

Jihoon agrees and leaves with a small wave, listening to their recital song over and over again on his way home. When he’s back at his place he texts, _home goodnight _and only goes to bed when he receives, _goodnight jihoonie. _

★

They meet again a few times before the weekend and usually it’s way too interesting to practice with Soonyoung, watching as he picks up choreography at the speed of light, but ever since the midterms he’s been distant… Not quite himself yet. Like he’s thinking more than he’s dancing.

“What is it?” Jihoon asks one day, stopping abruptly that Soonyoung grabs his shoulder so they won’t bump into each other. 

“What’s what?” Soonyoung lets go and Jihoon turns around. 

“You look distracted.”

“I’m not.” 

“Now you’re lying.”

“I’m not.” Jihoon’s eyes narrow and Soonyoung sighs. “I’m not, I promise. Just…” Jihoon waits and Soonyoung takes a step back, rubbing his eyes for a moment. “About the routine,” he starts carefully and Jihoon keeps waiting, realizing Soonyoung isn’t going to keep talking. 

“What about it?” He urges, but Soonyoung stays silent. “Soonyoung, I won’t bite your head off if you suggest something. You came up with this idea in the first place!” 

“I know!” 

“So what’s the problem? Do you want to change something?” 

“We need a plot,” he says finally, then softer. “I was thinking instead of me just being your shadow chasing you, we have a dance where we face each other… So I’m your shadow, you try to run away, and in the end… You face your shadow. Accept it. We merge peacefully.” 

“Yes,” Jihoon nods. 

“So maybe we have a bit where we’re facing each other in the middle, sort of like when we first practiced… Like a conversation.” 

“I like that,” Jihoon admits, taking a step closer to Soonyoung again.

“Also,” Soonyoung swallows. “Don’t be mad, but I was thinking it would be nice if we could have lyrics.”

“Oh?”

“This is good, but it’s kind of,” he’s very careful when he says the next part, “repetitive.” Jihoon stares at him for a good minute until Soonyoung whines crouching down covering his face. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Get up,” Jihoon pokes his head, laughing. “I was actually already working on some lyrics but I wasn’t sure how you would feel about that.” When he flicks the top of his head again, Soonyoung looks up through his fingers. “See? I’m not so scary,” he says, running his hand once through his pale pink fringe, smiling softly when Soonyoung closes his eyes.

★

It takes Jihoon only a few weeks to perfect the lyrics and organize a meeting at the studio with Vernon, Seungkwan and Soonyoung to go over them. Soonyoung reads them through for the first time before the other two get there and he lets out a soft breath. 

“It reads like a duet,” he says, impressed. 

“Sort of. I was thinking Vernon’s rapping will be one part and Seungkwan’s singing is the second one,” Jihoon explains, outlining on paper the different sections. 

"_Don’t be gone too long, going where I can not go, you and me should walk together, I cannot find you, you walk so quickly_,” Soonyoung reads, eyes lingering on the lyrics before glancing at Jihoon. “I like it,” then adds, “a lot.” 

Jihoon sighs happily. “Good.” 

★

Jihoon’s birthday falls on a Wednesday. His parents call for the first time in months to wish him a quick happy birthday and instead of any big party Cheol wants to throw, Jihoon insists he’s in the mood for something smaller back at their place and even invites Vernon and Seungkwan to meet everyone and finally Soonyoung. 

“This feels like a big moment,” Soonyoung jokes when Jihoon tells him to come and Jihoon hits him lightly. “Ow.” 

“Just come.”

“Okay, but only because you want me there so badly,” he jokes and Jihoon hits him again just for good measure. 

The night of his birthday, they order pizzas and buy too much soju and Mingyu brings a three layered chocolate cake he bought on the way because Cheol and Wonwoo failed at baking. Seokmin shows up a bit later with Jeonghan but he’s without Soonyoung and when Jihoon asks about him, Seokmin says he came from Jeonghan’s place. Jihoon drops it, but it’s a weird atmosphere the whole evening with Soonyoung not there. It’s almost nauseating. He tries to drink and have fun and laugh at Seokmin and Seungkwan singing karaoke too loudly but it still feels like something big is missing and when he catches Wonwoo looking, Jihoon makes sure to avoid any conversation about it.

They have cake around eleven and tell Jihoon to make a wish and when Jihoon blows out the candles his head is empty of any thoughts or any wishes that don’t involve someone who isn’t there. 

He’s in a weird tipsy mood when people start leaving since there are classes the next morning and Seokmin asks if Jihoon wants him to go back to his dorm to check up on Soonyoung since he was planning to sleep at Jeonghan’s otherwise but Jihoon shakes his head. 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Don’t think too hard,” Jeonghan tells him as he leaves and then Cheol brushes his thumb softly between his eyebrows. 

“Happy birthday, buddy,” he tells him and Jihoon isn’t even in the mood to jerk away. 

When all the guests are out of the apartment he helps Wonwoo and Jun clean up and nobody is talking because all three of them are too awkward to mention Jihoon’s shitty mood. Jun leaves to take out the trash and Wonwoo quickly tries to get Jihoon’s attention before he gets the chance to escape.

“I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding, Jihoon,” Wonwoo tells him and Jihoon brushes it off locking himself up in his room. 

He sits there for a while, not even working on music. Just sitting there feeling terribly silly about how much this is getting to him. Can he even blame Soonyoung for not showing up? Maybe it was all part of his big grand plan – befriend Jihoon after he’s been so horrible, attract him into this friendship and then spit in his face right when Jihoon starts to actually _feel_…

“Fucking hell,” he groans, dropping is forehead onto the desk and after a sigh gets up to go back to the kitchen feeling like a three layered chocolate delight is the only thing right now that could bring him any happiness. 

He’s eating straight from the box when there’s a fervent knock on the front door and Jihoon narrows his eyes at it. He checks his phone and it’s past one in the morning by now and there’s an idea in the pit of his stomach of who it might be, but he finds even that too hopeful as he carefully approaches the door. When he looks through the peephole his heart reacts before his mind does. 

“I’M SO SORRY,” Soonyoung yells as soon as Jihoon opens the door. “I WAS STUDYING ON MY BED LIKE AN IDIOT AND I FELL ASLEEP AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS BECAUSE MY PHONE IS OUT OF BATTERY BUT ITS LIKE, COMPLETELY EMPTY OUTSIDE SO I'M ASSUMING IT’S LATE AND I MISSED YOUR PARTY AND GOD I’M THE WORT AND HOLY SHIT I’M FREEZING AND I’M JUST SO SO SORRY!”

He bends halfway in apology when he’s done and Jihoon just stares in shock until he finally reacts, stepping away from the doorway to let him in. Soonyoung is in a thin sweatshirt only, sweatpants and his hair is blonde, disheveled, cheeks red from the wind and Jihoon's lips can’t stop tugging upwards while Soonyoung looks back in horror. 

“Is that for me?” Jihoon asks, noticing the box in his hands.

“Yes!” Soonyoung exclaims stretching out his arms. “I hope you like it!” 

Soonyoung’s fingertips are cold when Jihoon takes the gift and Jihoon gets the unbelievable urge to cover his hands with his own. 

“We should be quiet,” he says instead. “Everyone is asleep.”

“Shit,” Soonyoung whispers. “I’m so sorry,” he looks so guilty but Jihoon really can’t stop smiling. He’s so happy to see him. What the hell.

When they’re inside his room Jihoon sits on the edge of his bed while Soonyoung hovers nervously around him. Inside the wrapping paper there’s a fancy looking black box and when Jihoon opens it, there’s a Blue Yeti microphone. 

“Soonyoung…” 

“Please accept it,” he says too quickly.

Jihoon isn’t ready to look up yet. His eyes feel too heavy. Too wet. 

_Fuck_, he curses again, nose flaring before he takes a deep breath and finally meets Soonyoung’s eyes. 

“Thank you,” he tries to sound as sincere as possible. “Seriously… I really wanted one.” 

“I know,” Soonyoung says gently.

“They’re really expensive.” 

“Don’t,” Soonyoung asks him. “It’s also from Vernon and Wonwoo. So don’t feel bad, please.” 

“But it was your idea.” Soonyoung doesn’t deny it and Jihoon watches him thinking how if this was any other friend, he would’ve hugged him but this is Soonyoung and a hug…

“Are you still cold?” Jihoon asks and Soonyoung blinks not really expecting that. 

“A little.”

“Do you want some tea?”

“I…” 

“There’s chocolate cake too.” 

“Okay. Sure, thank you, Jihoon.” Something about Soonyoung’s voice still makes him want to cry so he avoids looking at him as he goes back to the kitchen, Soonyoung following quietly behind, and boils the water in silence. 

“I really am sorry, Jihoon. I didn’t want to miss today.”

“You’re here now,” Jihoon still can’t meet his eyes because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he does. It’s a terrifying feeling. Like he can’t control himself at all right now. He blames it on the soju he binge drank earlier.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says softly. 

They eat most of the cake whispering about the assignment Soonyoung fell asleep writing and when Jihoon lays the back of his hand against Soonyoung’s fingers to see if they’re warm enough they go back to his room.

“I should go–” 

“It’s late. You can stay,” Jihoon says, feeling ridiculous and Soonyoung looks as lost as he is. 

“Okay. Since it’s your birthday.”

“Since you missed my birthday.”

Soonyoung whines. “Jihoon...”

“It’s alright, maybe next year you’ll finally make it,” Jihoon jokes softly as he lays down on his bed and Soonyoung lays down beside him and Jihoon is used to being close to him by now but this is different. Soonyoung seems larger like this – in bed next to him. Much more real. More unpredictable.

“I hope so,” Soonyoung whispers facing him and Jihoon closes his eyes, letting out a long sigh, feeling his nerves unravel slowly as he sinks into his bed. Soonyoung always smells like chocolate. 

“I’m so happy you came in the end.”

“I could’ve been here earlier–” 

“I’m not mad at you,” Jihoon whispers, refusing to open his eyes. “At all, okay? So don’t apologize. I’m just glad you’re here now,” he feels his eyelids burning again and he doesn’t have any explanation for why he wants to cry so badly when he feels so happy. 

“Happy birthday, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung whispers and Jihoon nods sleepily and the next morning when Jihoon wakes up alone, he thinks he ought to have wished for Soonyoung to stay. 

★

He’s not exactly sure what happened after his birthday, but things change just a little again. Their practices become more tentative and smooth and their touches and gazes linger naturally on each other enough that when Lia comes to watch their routine all she shows is a small knowing smile.

“Is it good?” Soonyoung is too eager and separates quickly from their ending position just as he always does. 

“Very. I love the song too, the lyrics fit wonderfully. You found an interesting energy between each other.” Soonyoung nods importantly but Jihoon is quiet, thanking her as she leaves. 

“We’re going to be great,” Soonyoung tells him and Jihoon doesn’t know what to do with the heavy pressure in his head when Soonyoung feels too far. 

They go to the gym after. They try to go at least a few times a week and it’s less intense than dancing especially when he can laugh about how red Soonyoung’s face gets when he tries to lift as much as Jihoon. Otherwise, with some commissions out of the way, Jihoon takes extra shifts, sees his friends, writes more music. He even tries singing a bit for original songs and by the time winter break comes around his SoundCloud has over twenty thousand followers. 

“You’re practically famous,” Seungcheol tells him when Jihoon shows off about it one morning when they have a shift together. Seungcheol gets hired often enough for dance-focused jobs, but he also keeps trying to find any opportunity to see Jihoon more often and it’s flattering to have Seungcheol wake up at five am just to spend time with him while getting paid to make coffee.

“Maybe if you didn’t work at a place that has shifts at the crack of dawn!” He complains the first day but he cools off pretty soon especially when he realizes how many girls stop by and flirt with baristas. 

“Not famous,” Jihoon smiles shyly but it feels good. 

Soonyoung comes around twelve and Jihoon makes his vanilla coffee as soon as he sees him walking down the street from the window. It’s kind of become a daily thing. Seungcheol doesn’t mention anything about it the first few days but when it’s the fourth day in a row that Soonyoung comes in with a bright smile for his free coffee and sits on the corner table for six hours working on essays, having lunch with Jihoon, and leaving with him for practice, Seungcheol has definitely caught onto something.

“What?” Jihoon hisses when Seungcheol has been staring at Jihoon for a whole hour since Soonyoung showed up. 

“How close are you two?” 

“We’re partners for the showcase.”

“Uhuh…”

“That’s all.”

“Suuuuure… Do I need to remind you of all the conversations we had the last two years? _I’m not interested in being his friend, he’s annoying,_” he mocks him and Jihoon is about to throw a towel at his face. 

“Shut up!” 

“Don’t be embarrassed, I think it’s sweet. I always knew you two would make good friends.”

Jihoon feels his ears warm and for once he is glad for a group of ten to come in just so he can avoid this conversation. 

When he sits with Soonyoung later and splits his sandwich with him, Soonyoung asks him why he looks pissed. 

“I’m not pissed,” Jihoon grumbles sounding quite pissed. 

“Do you want me to–”

“No.”

Soonyoung pouts. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

Jihoon looks up at him, unimpressed.

“You were going to ask if I want you to leave. This is not about you, it’s about that nosy guy over there,” he tilts his head towards the bar and when Soonyoung looks up and waves, Jihoon knows Seungcheol is watching them.

“What is he bothering you about?” Soonyoung asks quietly, leaning in and Jihoon keeps himself from moving back because Cheol will mention something about it. 

Jihoon meets his eyes and hates how goddamn close Soonyoung is. He can see a scratch on the tip of his nose and that small scar he has on his cheek. He could tell him the truth – _ Seungcheol is making fun of me because I was wrong about you_, but he’s still not quite ready for that confession. 

“Nothing,” he says eyeing his sandwich instead and taking a huge bite and Soonyoung pulls away finally with a small nod and after they’re done with the sandwich he shares his chocolate energy bar with him like always. Jihoon returns to his shift at the end of the hour with a sweet taste in his mouth and Soonyoung’s smile across the room even sweeter. 

“You like him don’t you?” Seungcheol asks quietly when Jihoon’s eyes follow Soonyoung as he goes to the bathroom and Jihoon’s breath gets caught in his throat and he pretends for both their sakes that he didn’t hear anything.

★

For Christmas the three of them watch movies at Jihoon’s place and make warm Sangria and Jihoon’s signature spicy noodles. Seungcheol spends the whole night on a makeshift bed on the floor while Jihoon and Soonyoung stay on the couch and when Soonyoung falls asleep halfway through the third movie, head landing on Jihoon’s shoulder, Seungcheol gives Jihoon a wink. He doesn’t mention it otherwise and Jihoon – arms crossed and heart beating painfully in his chest – keeps watching the movie until a loud noise startles Soonyoung awake. 

“Sorry,” he whispers to Jihoon again and Jihoon shrugs like it’s no big deal. Because it isn’t. If he doesn’t count the fact that he couldn’t focus on the last hour of the movie because of Soonyoung’s warm breath brushing against his neck. Later, Soonyoung falls asleep a second time on the arm of the couch and Jihoon tries not to be disappointed.

★

“You’re coming to my party this year,” Daniel tells Jihoon a few days before New Years. “Seungcheol is already coming,” Seungcheol shows a thumbs up even as he’s taking the order and Jihoon sighs. 

“I don’t like parties.”

“What are you going to do on New Years then? Hang out by yourself?” Daniel sounds disappointed. “Don’t think you’ll hang out with Soonyoung because he’s coming too.”

Soonyoung has work today so he isn’t at the coffee shop to defend himself and Jihoon frowns because he knows it’s probably true anyway. 

“Fine,” he agrees finally. “Only because I have nothing better to do.” 

“None of us do, you’re not special,” Daniel grins with a friendly pat on the back and Jihoon sighs, putting whipped cream on five hot chocolates wishing one of them was a vanilla latte. 

★

On the thirty first Cheol shows up at Jihoon’s to pre-drink but mostly just to make sure Jihoon actually comes to the party after. Soonyoung has work so he promises to come straight to Daniel’s and by the time Jihoon and Cheol show up tipsy after nine Soonyoung is there with some of his Business Major friends clearly not very sober either. 

When Soonyoung sees them, he splits from his group running up to hug Seungcheol first and then hesitating before hugging Jihoon. 

“Will he kill me?” He asks Seungcheol but keeps looking at Jihoon and Jihoon rolls his eyes. 

“He likes you too much,” Seungcheol jokes and Jihoon could really kill _him _at that moment but Soonyoung laughs it off giving Jihoon a tight hug with a small _nah _before asking what they want to drink. 

They have some shots at the drink table before Seungcheol’s friends steal him away and Jihoon is left alone with Soonyoung. Jihoon is briefly worried it’ll be awkward, but Soonyoung doesn’t let it be, and they have fun. Too much fun maybe. They take a shot, dance, take another shot with Daniel, dance, take a shot with Seungcheol’s friends, dance and Soonyoung stays with him the whole time and Jihoon is kind of happy about it especially when Soonyoung’s hands linger on his waist or on his elbow when he drags him to the bar again so their eyes can meet dangerously before they throw their heads back with another shot and then Soonyoung will wipe the lost tequila off Jihoon’s chin because Jihoon still isn’t good at this. 

Soonyoung is always touchy, just never with him, and Jihoon finds that he really _really _doesn’t mind the way Soonyoung’s warm hand fits against his neck when he tilts his head up to whisper something silly in his ear and watches close just to make sure that Jihoon laughs, waiting for his smile.

They’re way too close and Jihoon knows it but he can’t stop either. Can’t make himself pull away when Soonyoung’s forehead leans against his and when their breaths are mingling together and he can feel each of Soonyoung’s fingers sprawled against his back and a powerful burning in the pit of his stomach. It’s almost like a strange dream all of it – Soonyoung’s breath no longer smells of chocolate and his hands roam all over him as they dance to the music and Jihoon grabs his waist just to keep himself steady when their noses brush right in the middle of the dance floor and the rush of it shoots straight down to his groin and his head is filled with the same thoughts from half a year ago but much much louder this time – _Is he going to kiss me? Do I want him to kiss me? How did I end up here? _

Someone bumps into them from behind and Soonyoung pulls Jihoon closer so they don’t topple over and Jihoon takes in a deep hesitant breath. He really doesn’t like these stuffy situations. 

“Let’s go sit” Soonyoung suggests and Jihoon agrees, letting him lead them to an empty windowsill at the edge of the room. Soonyoung asks if he wants any water but Jihoon shakes his head, enjoying how their thighs press close together. 

They’re quiet for a few minutes and Jihoon watches people mingling around and he hates that he can feel Soonyoung watching him. 

“How was your semester?” Soonyoung asks moving his head closer and Jihoon shrugs.

“It’s not over yet.”

“But almost.”

“One more year left,” he says without much interest and Soonyoung hums.

“I was thinking of what I’m going to do after,” Soonyoung slurs slightly, leaning back, and Jihoon glances at him now because he knows Soonyoung is finally looking elsewhere. He’s flushed a lovely red, hair messy and sticking slightly to his forehead. He’s always been too pretty. “I love dancing,” Soonyoung says and Jihoon leans his head on the cool window, watching him. Soonyoung’s lips stick to each other slightly as he debates on what to say. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. 

“So dance,” Jihoon says simply and Soonyoung looks sideways at him.

“It’s that easy?”

Jihoon nods. “It’s almost too simple.”

Soonyoung’s lips tug up in a smile and he watches him for a moment. “What are you going to do then, simple boy?”

Jihoon looks back at him. He’s thought a bit about a lot especially this year that he’s already focusing mostly on producing. “Music,” he says.

“Just music?”

“I love everything about it. Dancing. Singing. Writing.”

“You should’ve been an idol,” Soonyoung tells him.

“Says you.”

Soonyoung’s brows rise. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You were born for the stage. You love it. You’re a different person when you’re performing, it’s captivating. That’s why I was so excited to dance with you,” Jihoon says too quickly. “Did you give me all that alcohol to hear me compliment you?”

“I didn’t ask you to compliment me,” Soonyoung tilts forward. “I just asked why you think I should’ve been an idol.”

“Okay smartypants.”

“Smartypants,” Soonyoung repeats with a grin and Jihoon’s head shifts so he can see him better.

“You took calculus.”

“In first year.”

“Hmpf.”

Soonyoung looks at him, closely, and Jihoon’s eyes drop to watch his fingers wring together over his legs. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung starts quietly and Jihoon doesn’t look up, observing with strange intensity how Soonyoung pulls a ring off his middle finger and puts in back onto his pointer. “Remember when you hated me first year?”

Jihoon stays quiet for a moment. “I didn’t.”

“You didn’t hate me?”

“Okay,” Jihoon looks up. “Maybe a little.”

Soonyoung smiles. “I’m glad we’re closer now.”

“Hmpf,” Jihoon lets out again and Soonyoung grins.

“Admit being friends with me is fun.”

“It’s okay.”

“Just okay?”

“When you’re not being annoying.” 

“Right,” Soonyoung’s lips purse as he looks out into the crowd and Jihoon lets his eyes wander across his cheek, the small slope of his nose and the strange scar he has next to his mouth. He reaches, noticing how Soonyoung freezes at the touch. He had always wondered where it’s from. 

“How’d you get that?”

“Fell as a kid,” Soonyoung says, lids dropping when Jihoon’s fingers run down his chin before leaving his face. “Hit the edge of a table too hard, typical children stuff.”

Jihoon hums, his fingers dangle just between them Soonyoung watches them for a moment before taking them.

“You have pretty fingers,” Soonyoung says, his own slipping slightly in between and Jihoon watches barely breathing.

“People say that. Musician fingers.” Soonyoung intertwines their hands, observing, and Jihoon’s chest feels strangely tight. Like his heart is suddenly too big to fit in the spaces between his ribs. He should pull his hand back, but he really doesn’t want to. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says again and Jihoon looks up but Soonyoung is looking at their hands. So Jihoon watches his face from up close, the little blemishes on the top of his cheeks, the trickle of sweat on his temple, his scar again and a little razor cut on the tip of his chin. When his eyes land on his mouth Jihoon really can’t make himself look away… He has such nice lips. Full, smooth, not chapped and thin like his own. These are pretty lips. These are lips that are meant to be–

“Who are you kissing at midnight?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon’s eyes snap up, suddenly afraid. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Damn…” Soonyoung smiles and Jihoon can’t breathe. “You can kiss me if you want.” 

Jihoon stills. "What?"

“New Year’s kiss,” Soonyoung elaborates like that explains anything and Jihoon feels all of the tequila shots get stuck in the base of his throat. They’re still holding hands, too. Fuck.

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” 

“Because…” He doesn’t know what to say. His ears feel stuffed with thick and cruel cotton, like he can’t hear anything clearly anymore all of his focus in the warm touch of Soonyoung’s hand in his over his thigh and lips so close to him. “Because why would I?” He feels his brows tense. “Because it’s weird.” It’s the strange terror in his heart speaking for him and when Soonyoung’s hand leaves his he feels like he just made the biggest mistake of his life. 

“Well, I guess,” Soonyoung looks distracted now – lost in his own head – and Jihoon desperately excuses himself to escape to the bathroom. 

Jihoon washes his face three times before he can see himself clearly again and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s about to jump out of his throat. 

“What’s wrong with me?” He asks his own reflection and it stares uselessly back at him, brown hair messy, eyes wide and cheeks way too red. 

He should’ve said yes. Why didn’t he say yes? He should’ve just agreed and gotten his midnight goddamn New Year’s kiss but instead like a coward he said it’s _weird._ What the hell is his problem?! 

Someone knocks on the door urging him to come out and Jihoon washes his face again wiping it with a towel before he leaves ignoring the guy outside cursing at him and takes out his phone to check the time. 

Two minutes to twelve. No wonder that guy was in a rush. Jihoon feels strangely in a rush too. It’s like the water cleared his head a little and now that he’s slightly more sober thinking of kissing Soonyoung… Well, it doesn’t sound bad. It doesn’t sound bad at all. 

He looks around the room aware that he has just a little over one minute to fix this and there are too many people around but he tries anyway, looking for the top of Soonyoung’s blonde hair among the crowd. He passes Cheol dancing with someone and asks if he saw Soonyoung but Cheol mutters that he thought he’s with him before Jihoon moves ahead, for once glad that he can move through people easily because of his height. 

When people start chanting the thirty second countdown Jihoon feels sick again. So fucking sick. What an idiot. The room isn’t even that big and he can’t even find Soonyoung with ten fucking seconds left till – 

He sees him when the clock strikes twelve and watches stupidly as Soonyoung is kissed by some random girl he’s never seen before. 

Well fuck. 

He doesn’t waste another second before he’s grabbing his jacket from the pile of clothes in the kitchen and getting the hell out of there into the freezing cold of the new year and runs all the way home to throw up right into the kitchen sink until his stomach is as empty as he feels inside, throat burning and eyes swollen.

God he’s so stupid… How can he be such a goddamn coward… All the time. All the damn time. What the fuck is wrong with him? 

The next morning the first thing he does is text Seungcheol about going out and Seungcheol calls back immediately. 

“Is this really Jihoon?” 

“I want to have sex.” Jihoon is serious too. 

“Wh– What happened last night?” 

“Nothing. That’s the point. Nothing happened. I’m fucking tired of it. We’re going out.”

“What about Soo–” 

“Seungcheol. Please, as my best friend don’t ask questions or I’ll go by myself.” 

“Fine… When do you want to go?”

“Today?” 

“I don’t think I’m ready to drink again–” 

“You don’t have to drink. Just come to make sure I actually go through with it then you can go home.” 

“Okay do you want a gay bar or–” 

“What?!”

“Jihoon…”

“Just take me to a fucking club Seungcheol, what’s hard to understand about that!” 

“Jihoon, don’t speak to me like that.” 

“What are you? My father? I told you I’ll go by myself if you don’t want to come.” 

“No. I’ll come. But let’s go in a few days, okay? So you can think it over. You’re not thinking straight”

Jihoon hangs up without saying bye and gets a text two seconds later. 

Seungcheol: _Jihoon promise me you won’t go by yourself _

Jihoon: _I won’t. _

Seungcheol:_ if you decide you still want to do this we’ll go out thursday okay? _

Jihoon: _fine _

★

Seungcheol doesn’t text him again and Jihoon isn’t surprised that Soonyoung doesn’t text him until Wednesday to see if they’ll practice. 

Jihoon comes of course. He’s still professional about their showcase and really it’s not Soonyoung’s fault that he’s a fucking coward. They practice diligently but both of them are too aware that things are awkward between them and Soonyoung is careful because of course he’s blaming himself for everything again and Jihoon tries his best to be confident but it’s hard when he can’t stop thinking about how much he hated to see him with someone else.

“I’m sorry about–” 

“Don’t.” Jihoon cuts him off. “It’s not your fault.”

“But I–” 

“Stop apologizing about everything!” Soonyoung hesitates and Jihoon can’t fucking believe how great he is at putting that look on his face. “Just don’t worry about it, okay?” He tries to mend it but Soonyoung simply brushes it off as they proceed with the most awkward practice he’ll ever have in his life. Once Jihoon gets out of there, he immediately texts Seungcheol that he made up his mind. 

Seungcheol:_ fine, i’ll come by your place at nine tomorrow _

Jihoon:_ thanks _

★

Going out to a club with the specific purpose of fucking is definitely entirely new to Jihoon. He has three condoms inside of his jacket courtesy of Seungcheol and he downs three rum and cokes before he notices a group of girls watching them with interest.

He asks Seungcheol what he thinks and Seungcheol still looks unhappy about the whole idea but agrees that the girl Jihoon has his eyes on is cute. 

“Wish me luck?” Jihoon asks downing the last of his drink and Seungcheol doesn’t. “I’m going to do it anyway.”

“You’re so stubborn… What happened at the New Year’s party? 

“Nothing, I already told you. That’s the point. I’m tired of nothing ever happening. I just gotta do it, like ripping off a bandaid. Maybe then…” He stops himself and wishes he could have a little more of a confidence boost and Seungcheol wordlessly gives him some of his own drink. “Thank you,” Jihoon says handing back the glass after a large sip and then asks him again. “Wish me luck?” 

“You don’t need it.” Jihoon nods like that’s good enough and makes his way through the crowd to the girl on the other side who was definitely already waiting for him. 

“Hi,” she says, and when she smiles she’s even prettier.

“Can I ask you to dance or would you like me to buy you a drink first?” He asks way too forthright and her friends giggle but he doesn’t look away from her. She agrees to a dance, taking his offered hand and Jihoon is a little glad that even in heels she’s just his height. They dance closely right away and Jihoon is a little embarrassed and unsure what he’s doing but he kind of tries to think of how Soonyoung held him the other night and tries that with her too, hands politely on her waist and eyes a little transfixed on her lips in bright red lipstick. She smells good too, he thinks when she leans closer. Guys rarely smell that good or maybe Jihoon spends too much time with sweaty men and one who eats way too much chocolate.

“What’s your name?” She asks in his ear. 

“Jihoon. What’s yours?"

“Sooyoung.” Jihoon actually lets out a sharp laugh at that and hopes it doesn’t sound too bitter. Sooyoung still frowns though and Jihoon tries for a cute grin and she relaxes, thankfully. 

“It’s a pretty name,” he tells her, leaning closer and their noses brush against each other, his hands tightening as her fingers sink in his hair until they’re kissing in the middle of the dance floor and Jihoon feels nervous and not at all as excited as he thought he would. At least she feels good – waist firm and under his hand and mouth warm as their tongues meet. Jihoon knows he’s inexperienced and if Sooyoung can tell she clearly doesn’t mind, pulling him closer.

They kiss for long enough that Jihoon starts to finally feel something from the way her hips press against his or from her long nails raking against his scalp and he ignores the nagging part in his brain that tells him this is wrong. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” She asks hotly in his ear and then sucks lightly at his lobe and the gasp that comes out of his mouth surprises both of them. She does it again, then kisses him open mouthed on his neck and slips her thigh between his and suddenly they’re both aware that he’s not hard. At all. 

She moves away eyeing him strangely. 

“You’re not gay are you?” Jihoon’s mouth hangs open. 

“What?” Sooyoung tilts her head. 

“I thought you were kissing half-assedly but you’re not hard at all and I _kn_ow I’m good.” She sneaks her hand to his groin and presses as if testing something and Jihoon lets out a small whine. “Or maybe you’re thinking of someone else?” 

“I’m not.”

“Okay,” she says letting go but slightly satisfied because Jihoon has finally started coming alive down there. “Anyway if nothing is happening tonight, I can go,” she slides her hands across his torso and hums satisfied feeling his hard body then takes out his phone from the inner pocket of his jacket. She moves it to his face so it unlocks and then adds her number in KakaoTalk before sliding it back into his pocket and Jihoon watches a little impressed. 

“Text me?” She asks. “You’re a good kisser and you’re very cute,” her hand sneaks up his stomach again and she smiles. “You’re hot, too,” she lays a chaste kiss on his lips. “You know my friends were betting on who will get you tonight?” Jihoon is a bit too stunned to react for a moment and when he realizes she’s about to leave he takes her hand. 

“We can go to my place,” he says because he promised himself he’d be brave about this and she smiles. 

“Lead the way.” 

★

Sex is an interesting thing. Sooyoung is pretty quick to realize that it’s his first time but she doesn’t make him feel bad about it. Actually she makes him feel too good. Good enough that Jihoon considers texting her again when she leaves after breakfast and an awkward interaction with a too-excited Jun.

Jihoon shows up to practice that evening and Soonyoung is already there, sitting on the floor typing something on his phone and upon seeing him Jihoon feels like all of last night was a stupid dream and when Soonyoung looks up at him all Jihoon can think is, _Why the hell did I do any of that? _

They practice until Jihoon gets too hot and has to take off his hoodie and finds Soonyoung staring at his neck, unmoving. 

“What?” 

“You have a hickey,” he says dumbly and Jihoon looks in the mirror and flushes covering it. 

“So what?” 

“Nothing… Nothing.” Soonyoung sounds like it’s much more than nothing though and Jihoon feels shit, _again_. “I didn’t realize you’re seeing someone.”

“I’m not really. Just a hookup.”

“I didn’t realize you do those either,” he says still staring at his neck and Jihoon swallows under his stare. 

“Well it’s not like you don’t kiss people.” 

“Right,” Soonyoung meets his eyes. “I guess you do too now.”

“I guess.” 

That’s all they discuss about it. 

★

Although Soonyoung brushes it off their practices become horribly strained. It’s like there’s a huge dense wall between them, a noose around both their necks that gets pulled too tight when they stand too close and every time Jihoon feels Soonyoung’s touch warm against his skin he realizes nothing with Sooyoung can compare to this. 

Lia definitely notices the change for their last evaluation and surprisingly she’s impressed.

“You two are really good at acting,” she comments and Jihoon is strangely humiliated but Soonyoung only says a polite thank you before all three go their own ways. 

He still sees Sooyoung a few times a week and really she’s quite okay. She’s patient with him and she’s funny and easy to talk to. Plus sex is fun… It’s nothing like letting off steam at the gym but it’s great in its own way just not entirely what he envisioned it to be. It’s sort of like masturbating with a person instead of his hand. 

“What the fuck,” Seungcheol says when Jihoon tells him that.

“I don’t know? It makes me come. That’s about it.” 

“Okay…” Seungcheol looks unsure. “Do you have feelings for this girl?” 

Jihoon doesn’t really need to think about it but he pauses anyway. “No…”

“Does she have feelings for you?”

“I don’t know? She texts me a lot though.”

Seungcheol stares at him. “You’re ridiculous.” 

Jihoon shrugs as they start a new game on the TV. “I guess it’s just not what I expected it to be.” 

★

The showcase falls in the middle of exams again and Jihoon kind of wants to give their program a piece of his mind for making Soonyoung go through this every year. It’s hard to see him so exhausted, so mentally absent, especially when they haven’t been talking all of January either. From what Jihoon has heard from everyone that’s all Soonyoung does these days – bury himself in work, only showing up to practices, silent and for the sole purpose of practicing and nothing else. 

For their performance Jihoon dyes his hair black again while Soonyoung’s is bleached a perfect white to fit with their stage outfits – Jihoon’s white and Soonyoung’s black. On the day of the show, Jeonghan and Joshua are backstage to help apply some make up and when Soonyoung goes to the bathroom Jeonghan gives Jihoon a look, lips pursed. 

“What is it?” 

“I haven’t heard Soonyoung say a word this whole month. Neither has Seokmin.” 

When Soonyoung comes back he thanks Jeonghan and Jihoon gives him a look that says, _there, happy? _Jeonghan doesn’t look too happy though but he wishes them to break a leg anyway before going to prepare for his own performance. 

He and Soonyoung get last minute things ready and when the crew calls them backstage, they sit together and don’t talk at all until the MC starts making opening remarks. 

“Are you nervous?” Jihoon asks. 

“I don’t know.” Jihoon doesn’t ask him to elaborate but Soonyoung does it himself. “For the first time in my life I don’t feel excited about going on stage.” 

Jihoon looks at Soonyoung in surprise and Soonyoung doesn’t look up from where he’s staring at his fingers entwined tightly together. 

“Why?” 

Soonyoung speaks only when the first performance starts. “I feel like I lost.” 

“You can’t win here, Soonyoung. It’s just a showcase. We either do well or we don’t.”

“Hmm,” Soonyoung glances at him from the corner of his eye. There’s a small smile on his lips and Jihoon feels eerily like he’s laughing at him. “What do you see me as, Jihoon?” 

Jihoon stares back his heart matching the quick beat of the bass of the music and he’s so close to Soonyoung again, not for the first time and every time… _Every _time…

“You’re my partner,” he says and Soonyoung looks away with a nod and that small teasing smile stuck on his lips and Jihoon knows bitterly in his heart that after everything he still can’t be brave when it matters most. 

Their performance is after Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s, but they don’t watch as to not get distracted right before their own slot and when the backstage crew member tells them they have thirty seconds Soonyoung finally looks at him again. 

“Thank you for this semester, Jihoon.”

“I should be telling you that.”

“Not really,” Soonyoung smiles. “Remember the energy. Haters to friends.” 

“Haters to lovers.” 

“That didn’t happen though, did it?”

“Soonyoung–” 

“Tell me one thing Jihoon,” he cuts him off and there’s so little time again. “Is the thought of me… Is it that disgusting to you?” 

Jihoon wants to cry. “Don’t ask me this right now,” he begs and when Soonyoung leans in Jihoon jerks his head away, eyes shut tight and when he finally looks at him, Soonyoung isn’t even near him. 

“That’s all I wanted to know,” he smiles bitterly as he straightens out and when Jihoon lets out a heavy breath they’re called on stage. 

The performance feels like a blur but also the most intense experience of his life – the liminal space of nor here nor there but entirely in Soonyoung’s powerful aura. He’s not even sure if he’ll ever want to dance again after this. It’s not a difficult routine but it’s exhausting mentally. Soonyoung’s deep look at the start before the music starts, the way his touch burns him through the whole choreography and the way Jihoon _felt _every note, every lyric, every breath that Soonyoung took and every beat of his heart strong enough to shatter him alive.

He knows it’s the best performance they ever did, better than any practice, but it doesn’t feel like what they wanted. It’s not haters to lovers. It is more haters to _them_, whatever they are now, and when they end their show with Soonyoung down on his knees before him and Jihoon’s fingers over his warm mouth and their eyes lock together before Soonyoung lowers his head to lay his forehead onto his hand, Jihoon knows deep in his heart nothing in his life will make him feel like this again. 

“That was amazing!” Jun is the first to react and everyone congratulates them but Jihoon is too distracted to reply properly to every one and when Sooyoung comes over and tells him he did great and kisses him pointedly in front of all of his friends, Jihoon feels a sour taste in his mouth.

His parents are there and meet Sooyoung, and when they ask about Soonyoung he’s long gone. 

“He’s amazing,” his mom says looking around to see if she can find him and Jihoon feels dark bitterness in the center of his heart.

“Has he done ballet?” His dad asks. 

“No,” Jihoon mutters. His head feels so far away.

“Hmmm… He has the legs for it.” 

“Yeah,” Jihoon agrees. “He does.”

★

In February, Jihoon has his own exams that he passes quite well and when he meets with Lia at the end of the semester, he finally tells her that he wants to focus on Music only. 

“Just like that?” She’s speechless and Jihoon can’t blame her, he’s been dancing since he could walk and to leave it all so abruptly...

“I can still finish with a double major, but I don’t think dancing is my focus anymore.” 

“But your showcase… It was amazing. Both you and Soonyoung are getting a lot of interest calls, Jihoon, you two could–” 

“No,” Jihoon cuts her off rudely. “I’m sorry, but no. We didn’t do this showcase to become some kind of duo. If the only way I can be successful in the dance world is because of my partner, then I don’t think that’s fair to either of us.” 

Lia can’t argue with him on that one but makes Jihoon promise that he will still take at least a few workshops and join some shows so he graduates with a proper dual degree. 

★

As the month continues, Jihoon doesn’t talk to Soonyoung at all so he really isn’t sure what’s going on with him in terms of post-showcase attention. From what he’s heard though, Soonyoung unsurprisingly blew everyone’s mind at all of his shows. People were especially intrigued by their performance and Jihoon keeps getting asked if they’ll perform together again but Jihoon doesn’t know how to tell people he hasn’t seen Soonyoung since the night of their showcase. 

Most of his time now is filled with studio work, seeing some friends, sleeping, or sleeping with Sooyoung. Even with Jihoon’s minimal relationship experience he can tell she’s waiting for them to go to the next step but Jihoon… Well Jihoon isn’t interested in anything other than sex with her. 

Mid-February Bumzu calls him in to discuss the portfolios Jihoon sent in and he’s extremely impressed with him.

“Where did they find you…” He mutters. “Your potential is incredible, I’d love to see how you can delve into different genres but your ballads are beautiful.” 

Jihoon nods, but hates that in spite of everything – all his effort – he can’t think of a single tune that doesn’t revolve around Soonyoung, their showcase, their almost kiss, and everything in between. And that feeling… It’s the only thing he wants to write.

★

Jihoon is at the studio with Vernon when Wonwoo calls him, which is already strange since Wonwoo’s preferred forms of communication has always been through text. 

“Hello?” 

“Jihoon,” Wonwoo sounds serious and Jihoon asks Vernon to pause the music. “Seokmin called and said he had a fight with Soonyoung this afternoon and hasn’t heard from him since… Have you maybe? At all?” 

“No,” Jihoon replies honestly. 

“I know you two practice together.”

“Not for a while… Sorry.” 

“Jihoon,” Wonwoo says again. “He hasn’t spoken to anyone since New Years. He doesn’t even reply to my texts anymore. I’ve been trying to reach him but he’s closed off entirely I don’t know what to do… Please help me find him, I know you’re also worried about him.”

“Did you check the practice rooms?” 

“Seokmin said he isn’t there.” 

“His sister’s?”

“I don’t want to worry her yet…”

Jihoon runs a hand through his hair, kind of already knowing where to go. “I’ll try to look.”

“Thank you.” 

“Is everything okay?” Vernon asks when Jihoon hangs up. 

“I need to go,” he says instead and Vernon nods. 

“No worries, can I help?” 

“No… No it’s fine. I’ll text you later,” Jihoon says as he gathers his things and throws on his jacket before running off into the cold night. 

When he gets to the clearing it’s almost one in the morning and Jihoon sees Soonyoung immediately even in the darkness. His elbows are propped on his knees and hands tangled in his hair and Jihoon doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting out there but it’s freezing this late at night and he’s sure the ground is just a little frozen and Jihoon hates… _Hates _to see him like this. 

He approaches slowly and Soonyoung doesn’t look up even as Jihoon sits next to him. It’s so cold.

“Everyone is looking for you.” 

“I know,” Soonyoung replies quietly, voice raspy as if he hadn’t used it all day. Or maybe he used it too much. 

“You’re going to freeze out here,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung doesn’t say anything. “Soonyoung–” 

“This year has been a mistake.”

“Of course not.”

Soonyoung’s fingers tighten in his hair. “It was. I’m not supposed to be double majoring. I’m not supposed to be dancing. I’m not supposed to be following a stupid pipe dream I had as a dumb little kid!” Jihoon doesn’t know what to say. “I’m supposed to study Business. Find a well paying job in the city, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll even get to Wall Street. Marry a nice woman. Have kids. Carry the Kwon name as if there aren’t enough of us already! That’s what I’m good for. That’s what I promised.”

“That’s not true,” Jihoon whispers. “You can do both. You can do both _well_. That’s why you’re amazing, Soonyoung.” He watches Soonyoung’s knuckles whiten from how hard he’s pulling his hair.

“Don’t call me that. Don’t come here and tell me that. Not you out of all people… You’re the only one who ever told me the truth.”

“I’m not–” 

“Why are you here Jihoon? Did Wonwoo tell you to come?” 

“Yes–“ 

“Please go.” 

“Soonyoung–“ 

“Please!” He lets go of his hair to press his fingers against his eyes. “You asked me once and I listened, so now that I’m asking you, it’s only fair that you listen too, don’t you think?!”

“I won’t.” 

The noise Soonyoung lets out is between a laugh and a whine and Jihoon thinks he never expected to see Soonyoung – happy go lucky Soonyoung – like this. He doesn’t know what to do. He just doesn’t want to leave him. 

“Don’t pity me…” Soonyoung begs quietly.

“I’m not pitying.” 

“Of course you are. I don’t need you pretending to care about me.”

Jihoon takes a sharp breath through his nose. 

“You said it yourself, Soonyoung. I’ve always told you the truth. So listen to me, okay?” He grabs his arm but Soonyoung doesn't lift his head. “You’re a fantastic dancer. Not only because of your talent but because you’re a hard worker. There’s nobody in this whole program who ever got the dance studio to convince them to give them a spare key, there’s nobody in this entire program that transferred in with zero technical experience and got a scholarship. There’s nobody in this whole school who is doing what you’re doing, it’s unheard of. And you’re doing _well.” _Soonyoung’s shoulders are shaking and there’s a soft sob that escapes his lips but he doesn’t lower his hands. “I’ve always thought you were amazing. I think that’s why I couldn’t accept you for so long… You blew my mind. I thought… I thought how does this guy come here with zero professional knowledge and erase my fifteen years of dancing.” 

“Don’t–“ 

“I don’t blame you. I’m just impressed with you. Endlessly. And you’re so close now… How many companies contacted you?”

“Half of them wanted both of us, but you already denied them.” 

Jihoon lets out a shuddered breath. “I don’t want the beginning of your career to be about dragging me with you. You’re amazing enough on your own. I’ll only hold you back.”

Soonyoung lowers his hands finally and his eyes are dark in the corners and Jihoon knows if the park had more light he’d see that it’d red from irritation. 

“Why did you and Seokmin fight?” 

“I missed two deadlines and I’ve been ignoring Joshua’s calls,” he smiles ruefully again. “I’m going to fail the class so your speech was for nothing.” 

“I’ll help you.”

“With Business Media Strategy?” 

“I’ll proofread.”

“Don’t be so nice to me,” Soonyoung laughs bitterly. “I’ll get the wrong idea again.“

Jihoon feels his heart hammering but before he can say anything his phone vibrates in his pocket and when he takes it out it’s Wonwoo. 

“Yeah, I’m with him,” he says answering and Soonyoung sits unmoving. 

“Is he okay?” 

“He’s fine. But he’s freezing.”

“Do you want to bring him here?”

“I’ll see what he wants.” 

“Thank you, Jihoon.”

He hangs up. “Come on we’re going home.”

Soonyoung sits still and Jihoon tentatively shifts so he can comfortably put both his hands over Soonyoung’s. They’re so cold. 

“Soonyoung please, you’re freezing. We need to get you warm,” Soonyoung’s lips twitch upwards and he finally meets Jihoon’s eyes. He looks so tired. So sad. “How can I help you?” Jihoon whispers and Soonyoung’s small smile is the prettiest thing in the world, even now. 

“I don’t know,” he whispers. 

Jihoon watches him back until he leans forward and cups his own hands around Soonyoung’s to breath warm air onto them and meets his eyes again. 

“Better?”

Soonyoung looks like he’s on the verge of tears and Jihoon doesn’t know how to stop accidentally hurting him. He takes his hands and gently pulls him up. 

“Let’s go.”

They walk silently to Soonyoung’s and Jihoon waits on Seokmin’s bed while Soonyoung takes a long hot shower, texting Seokmin to let him know he found him.

Jihoon: _are you sleeping here tonight? _

Seokmin: _no im at jeonghans sorry _

Jihoon: _i don’t want to leave him alone _

Seokmin:_ you can sleep on my bed _

“How does your girlfriend feel about you babysitting me?” Soonyoung asks when he’s back and Jihoon puts away his phone. Soonyoung only has a towel wrapped around himself. He’s gotten so skinny that even his ribs are poking through as he grabs his clothes and Jihoon grits his teeth.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“She’s your something.” 

Jihoon doesn’t say anything while Soonyoung puts on a hoodie and looks away when Soonyoung pulls on sweatpants. He sits next to him then and Jihoon belatedly realizes he’s sitting on Soonyoung’s bed and not Seokmin’s. 

“Where are you living next year?” He says just to distract himself from Soonyoung’s bare ass.

“Depends if I lose my scholarship.” 

“You won’t.” 

“Then probably the dorms. 

“Wonwoo and Jun are moving out and Cheol and I are already splitting rent, so if you need a room–” 

“I’m not taking charity.” 

“It’s not charity. You need to take care of yourself. If you’re with us we can help.”

“I can take care of myself–“ 

“What’s the last meal you had, Soonyoung? Your chocolate energy bars don’t count by the way and neither does ramyeon,” he adds when Soonyoung opens his mouth. 

“I told you not to pity me.”

“It’s not pitying!” Jihoon glares at him. “I’m your friend. All of us worried about you _because _you are our friend. You haven’t spoken to anyone in months.” 

“I was busy–“ 

“That’s my point! You become so busy you don’t know how to balance anything and you need our help and that’s fine! But since you need it, ask for it. Let us help you. Please.” 

“I don’t need–“ he stops himself and closes his eyes with a frustrated sigh. “Let me think about it, okay?”

“Okay,” Jihoon says softly. “I’ll sleep here tonight.”

“I don’t think we’ll both fit in this bed, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon gives him a look. “I’ll sleep in Seokmin’s bed but thanks.” Soonyoung cringes like that’s disgusting and Jihoon nudges him. “Shut up.”

“You don’t want to know the shit he does in there.”

“And you’re better?” Soonyoung is about to argue for it but Jihoon cuts him off. “I’m not sleeping in your bed.”

"Right, because it's _weird_." 

"Soonyoung–" 

"I bet it's not weird with your girlfriend, right?" 

“I told you she’s not my girlfriend…”

“But she’s your something.”

“We just,” he takes an awkward breath. “We just sleep together, it’s not a big deal."

“Well since it’s not a big deal to sleep together…”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon warns. Soonyoung smiles, finally meeting his eyes. 

“Fine, sleep in Seokmin’s bed. But I’m pretty sure he hasn’t changed his sheets the whole year.” 

Jihoon laughs but it’s awkward. Strained. Soonyoung watches him with heavy eyes and Jihoon locks himself in the bathroom to change into Soonyoung’s pajamas because he doesn’t know if he could handle Soonyoung watching him undress. 

When he’s back Soonyoung is already under the covers and Jihoon carefully lifts Seokmin’s sheets and when they look (and smell) perfectly normal he turns off the light and climbs inside. 

He’s aware that they’re both staring at the ceiling awkwardly but neither speak in the small dorm room and eventually Jihoon closes his eyes. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says quietly. Jihoon is unsure how much time has already passed.

“Mmm?” 

“Thank you.” 

"Sure."

He can hear Soonyoung’s shuddered breath before he speaks. “You should know… Despite everything, this was my favorite semester and dancing with you is the most incredible feeling in the world and never since I met you have I thought of you as someone who could hold me back.” 

Jihoon is quiet for a long time. “Then you’re more stupid than I thought.”

“Goodnight, Jihoonie.”

“Goodnight, Soonyoung.”  
  
  
  


★

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love jihoon pls be nice to him;-; every time i write these chapters it doesn't matter if i have an outline or not things go entirely their own way... so next chapter i cant really promise anything but according to the Current plan it shouldn't be as angsty as this ahahah 
> 
> i have to focus on uni for the next few weeks so idk when the next chapter will be up but knowing how i usually write the most when i have deadlines it really might not take too long loool esp now that oty europe isn't happening... IT'S FINE T_______T
> 
> (also im dying to get into soonyoung's head again;; i hope these pov chapters are as enjoyable for you as they are for me to write)
> 
> if you have any moments you're wondering what soonyoung was thinking you can send them [here](https://curiouscat.me/aquariusblues)!! i was actually considering writing certain scenes from the opposite pov if people have any requests~ i'll probably upload those on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/aquariusblues_)
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN!!! this was longg;;;;; i really don't know when to shut up fslkdj any comments are always alllwaaays appreciated;-; and thank you to pea who reads these through for me and listens to all my whining<3 
> 
> love u all hope to see u soon <3


	4. Year Four: Semester One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is semester one of year four in soonyoung pov... i could've maybe written a full year but this is 19k as it is soooooo yeah. please enjoy <3

Soonyoung’s third year ends with a meeting with Lia and the Dean and his scholarship on the line. 

“I want to understand what happened,” the Dean says and Soonyoung feels awfully uncomfortable in front of the man he has never seen before in his life, who has the power to dictate his future. Soonyoung stares at some indistinct point on his desk and lets Lia take care of the explanations. 

They include him for a few questions – his mental health, his at home situation, if he has any income or future plans for either of the degrees – and Soonyoung answers honestly. He took on too much, he wanted to do all his shows, he wanted to pass all his classes, but something about the end of last year felt so discouraging.

He doesn’t want to blame anyone but himself on it, but deep down he knows… He knows it was his unawareness of his own limits. He knows it was the lack of eating and sleeping properly. He knows it was Jihoon’s disgust when Soonyoung stupidly asked if he’d kiss him for New Years and he knows it was Jihoon’s hickey the next week and having to continue to dance around him, be around him, touch him, thinking every second, _ does he hate me when I do this, too? _ He knows it was his mom calling him halfway through January because his sister told her she should come to the showcase. He knows it was her not taking it well, demanding from him what the hell he’s doing and refusing to come. He knows it was her rejection and Jihoon’s even after their beautiful showcase and its success and then rejection from their jobs, again and again and _ again_. 

He feels Lia’s hand cover his own when he won’t respond and he looks at her apologetically and straightens out in his chair. 

“I apologize, you were saying?”

The Dean looks disappointed but Soonyoung doesn’t back down. “I see your potential. It’s been years since large companies have shown such massive interest in a student. You can keep your dance scholarship, but since it’s too much for you to handle I don’t see the point of continuing with the Business–”

“It was just one class, sir,” Soonyoung says quickly because it’s not even an option for him to quit. “I cannot stop Business now, I’m so close… I failed one class but I’ve been maintaining high grades throughout, it won’t happen again. I overestimated how much I could handle.”

“It was two classes, Soonyoung,” the Dean says and technically one of them he simply never completed but he knows he can’t argue that. “What do you suggest?” The Dean asks Lia. 

“I think he needs to take one more semester.” 

Soonyoung swallows staring at his knees. One more semester. It’s not the worst that could happen but it almost feels like he’s lost then. After everything…

“His scholarship only covers one year.” 

“One year of each major,” Lia argues. “If he takes one year of Dance not counting the third semester, then one year of Business not counting this coming semester. That is a year each, isn’t it?” 

The Dean looks at her, a little speechless and honestly Soonyoung is a little speechless too. He never expected to have someone look out for him like this. 

“You must really see endless potential in this boy, after all the trouble you’ve gone for him.” Soonyoung keeps staring at his hands on his lap and he can’t quite believe it either. How did he get so lucky? “Three more semesters, Kwon Soonyoung,” the Dean says and Soonyoung looks up and then bends forward slightly. 

“Yes, sir. Thank you.” 

“I’m not the one you should be thanking,” he tells him and Soonyoung is afraid if he looks at Lia now he won’t be able to control the way his eyes are already burning. 

The Dean dismisses them and only when they’re outside of the office does Soonyoung attempts his thank yous. 

“Just do well, Soonyoung. Graduate. Call the number I gave you two years ago so this wouldn’t happen. You didn’t throw it out did you?” When Soonyoung won’t meet her eyes she sighs. “Are you free right now?” He nods. “Let’s go rework your schedule and call together, okay? It’s the least you could do for me _ and _for yourself.”

Soonyoung follows her and when he goes home that night he has a new schedule and a meeting with a therapist first week of March and just a little bit more hope than he had that morning. 

☆

He was going to go home for break but after his mom found out he doesn’t feel like seeing his family. She didn’t tell his dad yet, but Soonyoung knows his mom is awful at keeping secrets so if Soonyoung comes back he’s sure it will slip out and he’s not quite ready for that confrontation. 

Instead he takes it easy – still teaches his weekly classes, auditions for some small jobs here and there and even gets a few. He’s not allowed to try for more and Lia makes sure because every audition he attends requires her approval first.

“You should enjoy your free time, Soonyoung. It’s your vacation, see your friends, maybe do a day trip, walk along the river in the morning. Just have some fun.”

It’s not like Soonyoung doesn’t know how to have fun. He’s very good at having fun. In fact, people tell him that he _ is _ the fun, a joy to be around. But it’s as if these last few years have completely sucked the energy out of him that now when he wakes up at midday with zero plans for the day he really doesn’t know what to do. Or more like he doesn’t want to do anything. He just wants to stay there.

His friends help drag him out though. Wonwoo and Jun ask for his help to move into their new apartment. So does Seokmin into Jeonghan’s and Cheol to Jihoon’s. He usually stays after to drink a few beers, have long talks on the couch, see some movies, either all together or just a few people and it’s nice. Relaxing. He wonders if he’d be doing more of this in the last few years if he had time. 

Nobody mentions Soonyoung’s little… Breakdown if he could even call it that. He had a talk with Seokmin and apologized and then Josh too, thanking him for helping him not only last semester but all of the last three years. He tries talking to Wonwoo more too, they take a lot of walks around the park catching up with his life and what’s going on with both of them and eventually Soonyoung talks to his sister too. She was just looking out for him, and it’s healing to accept that even if he’s still a little mad.

The only person who really knows what happened is Jihoon and Soonyoung appreciates that he keeps it to himself and doesn’t bother Soonyoung about it either, other than with his sporadic texts of _ How much did you sleep? Did you eat today? Are you at the studio? _Soonyoung can’t stand it sometimes, not because they bother him, but because he feels nauseous when he receives them. Like Jihoon’s care is too much for him to handle, emotionally, physically, on every level. 

That’s what happens when you’re partners with a guy you can’t stop dreaming about. 

It’s like torture. 

Soonyoung sometimes wonders if that’s why the whole of last year span out of control by the end. Being in Jihoon’s vicinity like that… Stupid lovers to fucking haters, it was like someone put Soonyoung in a game and said, “How do we make this guy’s life absolute hell?” And then rolled with it. Maybe Jihoon was in on the joke even – trusting him with his music, inviting him over and asking to sleep in his bed and letting Soonyoung stupidly touch him like the starved boy with a crush he is.

And then there was New Years. And the hickey. And his girlfriend (not girlfriend?) whose name is almost hilariously similar to his.

Like he said – torture. It all had to be some huge joke. But new semester, new Soonyoung, right?

He goes out even, to celebrate that. Mingyu and Minghao have discovered an array of classy Jazz clubs in their area and Soonyoung thinks, okay, maybe I can find someone here. Maybe I can have some fun. Spread horizons. Seokmin already moved out so he has a free dorm, too. Except every person who flirts with him isn’t tall enough, or short enough, or their hair isn’t the right shade of brown and their eyes don’t seem to crucify him or look at him in wonder, and their hands aren’t pretty enough and their skin not smooth enough and legs not sculpted enough and waist not perfect enough and –

Soonyoung sighs ending his evening with another round of what he calls – hands in his underpants.

It’s a common thing nowadays. Maybe he’s Jihoon-sexual at this point, he thinks, as he strokes himself leisurely. Because of course he would be in this cruel, cruel world where even the painful thought of Jihoon fucking someone else can make him so hard. 

☆

His new semester is much lighter but Soonyoung still wakes up at seven in the morning the first Monday of classes because that’s what he’s used to and he lays in bed staring at the ceiling till he has to get up closer to ten. He has six classes total – four business and two dance. He isn’t allowed to take more and he isn’t allowed to be casted in more than four shows either, especially if he wants to add on internships. It feels like a hilariously empty schedule at first because he only ends up having at most two classes a day and none Friday, giving him a three-day weekend. What the hell is he supposed to do with all this free time?

The first few weeks of school he sees more of his friends than he has the past three years. He grabs lunch with Wonwoo, Jeonghan, Seokmin and spends the weekend at their places and even indulges in the gym as a hobby and not as something Jihoon drags him to. He still teaches his classes three times a week and he still practices at night but Jihoon doesn’t join him anymore. They don’t see much of each other at all actually, only a few times at lunch with the others and on the weekend when all of them hang out and really, Soonyoung prefers it that way. Especially when he has this painfully huge crush and Jihoon is kind of seeing someone anyway. He’d rather stay away. Keep the distance. It hurts less that way.

“Talk me through what happened last year,” Heejin, his new therapist, asks halfway into their first meeting after they got to know each other a little bit. 

“I took on too much, it didn’t end well,” Soonyoung says in his standard reply but Heejin doesn’t quite buy it, waiting patiently for more.

“You had a fight with a friend, didn’t you?” She prompts him and Soonyoung swallows, not proud of it.

“Yeah."

“What happened?”

“I was being difficult… Exhausted and stressed, so I took it out on the people who were trying to take care of me.”

Heejin nods. “Self-reflection is great. But too much self-blame isn’t, Soonyoung. You were working very hard last year.” Soonyoung nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“Tell me about your friends.”

“Um… There’s Wonwoo, he was my roommate since first year but he moved out to live with his boyfriend Jun who I’m also friends with. We’re still best friends, which I’m very grateful for considering I wasn’t a very good friend last year. He came with me today, actually,” he meets her eyes briefly and Heejin is smiling, urging him on. “There’s Seokmin, he was my roommate last year, he’s the one I had a fight with but we’re okay now. Jeonghan, Josh, Cheol – they’re a bit older but always very kind to me. Josh and Mingyu are my friends from my Business major, they helped me out way too much when I couldn’t keep up. Also Minghao, we aren’t too close but we did have a few classes together,” he pauses.

“Is there anyone else you'd like to talk about?”

“Vernon and Seungkwan, I guess… They sang for my performance piece last year.”

“Duet right?”

“Yeah.”

“Who was it with?”

“A classmate.”

“Is he also a friend?”

Soonyoung’s pause is a little obvious. “I guess.”

“What can you tell me about him?”

“I don’t really want to talk about him,” he says quietly and Heejin tilts her head slightly but doesn’t press it.

“What about romantic relationships?” She asks.

“Oh, yeah… Nope.”

“Have you ever been in a relationship?” 

“There hasn’t been anything serious since high school.” 

“Because of no time?” She repeats.

“I guess.”

“Have you tried seeing anyone?”

“I don’t feel like it.”

His therapist writes something down on a piece of paper and Soonyoung watches her scribble in silence.

“What about sexual relations?”

Soonyoung straightens out in the chair. “There has been some… It’s hard.”

“How come?”

Soonyoung’s breath is shallow when his heart beats loudly in his chest. “There might be someone.” Heejin nods, waiting. “But nothing’s really happening.”

“You find it hard to let go?”

“I thought… I thought maybe there would be something, but now I don’t know. We don't even talk anymore.” 

“Is it the same person you don’t want to talk about?”

Soonyoung actually laughs at that. “Very impressive,” he nods but it’s a little sarcastic but Heejin smiles back a little anyway.

“How long has it been?”

“Since second year. I had a dream, it was very… Eye-opening. Then we partnered and then he got a girlfriend and I lost it a little bit and now here I am,” he says it with a small smile but Heejin doesn’t look entertained at all.

“Does he know your feelings?” 

“I did ask him to kiss me.”

“What happened?”

Soonyoung scrunches his nose. “He said it would be weird.”

“Weird?”

“Frankly, I don’t really like talking about this part.”

Heejin writes something down, then looks at him atop her glasses. “Maybe next time then,” she says, then puts her pad of paper onto the side. “There are many apps for various sexual orientations, Soonyoung, even here in Seoul if you'd like to meet some people. You could ask your friends about it. I think it would be good to spread your horizons a little.”

Soonyoung doesn’t meet her eyes. “Okay.”

“Do your parents know you’re gay?”

Soonyoung’s breath is shallow. “I don’t know what I am,” he says quietly. “There’s enough they don’t know about already. They’ll be fine not knowing about this.”

There’s a long pause. “Tell me more about how you grew up.”

They make another meeting for mid-April and when Soonyoung finds Wonwoo at the nearest Starbucks waiting after insisting on joining, his chest feels hollow.

“How was it?” Wonwoo asks.

“Okay.”

“What did you talk about?” 

“Many things.”

“Did it help?” Wonwoo asks when they’re walking home.

“She thinks I should try spreading my horizons."

“She said that?” Soonyoung nods. “Do you agree?”

Soonyoung kicks a stone in the pavement. “I think so. She said I should check about dating apps, something for men only maybe.”

“Well, I don’t know much about that but Jun might.” When Soonyoung meets his eyes, Wonwoo smiles at him. Somehow, things feel a little okay.

☆

Wonwoo caught on to Soonyoung's feelings early last year, after seeing Soonyoung sneak out of Jihoon’s room the day after he slept over. Which was horrible by the way. When he woke up in the morning and the first thing he saw was Jihoon’s face he almost fell out of bed from the shock.

“What are you doing here?” Wonwoo had asked, and Soonyoung stared wide eyed and lost for words. 

“It’s not what you think.”

Wonwoo smiled. “I don’t think anything.” 

“I know about you and Jun,” Soonyoung blurted out then and Wonwoo blushed. 

“I know you like Jihoon.”

“Shut up!” Soonyoung hissed. 

“You too!”

Soonyoung had come closer so nobody overhears and sighed. “Is it that obvious?” 

“I wasn’t sure to be honest.” 

Soonyoung laid his cheek on the cold surface of the kitchenette. “I’m going to die, Wonwoo. I keep dreaming about him. I feel like there are two Jihoons in my head – the real one, and the one in my sleep.” 

“Have you thought of telling him?” 

Soonyoung looked up to glare at Wonwoo. “Not everyone has a happy love story like you and Jun.” 

“It wasn’t that happy…”

“How did it happen?” 

“Jun told me he liked me one day… It took me a month to agree to go on a first date with him. And then he told me we had already made out at a party a few months earlier and I didn’t even remember.”

“Good for you. It’s been six months since I realized what the hell is happening, Wonwoo. I’m in _ pain_.” 

“Don’t be dramatic.” 

“Oh I wish it wasn’t dramatic. But I’m totally serious. You know how hard it is to practice with him? I have to jerk off every fucking day. It’s ridiculous actually.”

“Okay, too much information.” Soonyoung didn’t apologize and Wonwoo sighed. “Jihoon is difficult–” 

And then Wonwoo went on his classic _ Jihoonie just needs to get in touch with his feelings _ talk that everyone has been repeating for years now. Soonyoung almost doesn’t care about all these feelings anymore. Why does nobody care about _ his _ feelings in this situation? Jihoon is literally fucking his name double and nobody is wondering what the fuck Soonyoung is feeling about it?!

Doesn’t matter, he tells himself for the millionth time, scrolling through top rated gay apps as he stretches on the floor of his practice room and wills himself not to dwell on it.

He still misses Jihoon, though. 

He just wishes he didn’t feel guilty about it all the time. 

He downloads the top rated app and puts his phone away.

☆

A second year named Lee Chan is probably the biggest new blessing in Soonyoung’s life. Ever since the first day of their Street Dance workshop he kept staring at Soonyoung until he finally came up to him, third week of the semester, to introduce himself and confess that he’s a huge fan.

“Could we maybe… Practice together some time? I think you’re amazing, I’d love to learn from you!” 

How could Soonyoung say no to that? 

Chan becomes his new evening partner of sorts. His protégé. He doesn’t join every night, but definitely a few nights a week. He’s no Jihoon, but it’s a different relationship. Here Soonyoung inspires him and Chan idolizes him. It’s kind of nice in a very different way and Soonyoung quickly takes a liking to him and even introduces him to the rest of his friends on Mingyu’s birthday in the beginning of April.

It was a small party, a little awkward because Mingyu and Minghao decided to go for an artistic jazzy flare with wine when most of them are more used to getting wasted off shots and grinding on the dance floor. Although when Soonyoung gets there and sees Jihoon dressed beautifully in all black – button up and skinny jeans – he’s a little glad that he won’t get trashed tonight. There’s a quick need in his crotch and he’s suddenly too aware of the few guys that messaged him on that app he downloaded the other day.

Chan is liked immediately and Jeonghan and Cheol quickly steal him away as they dote over the new kid. Soonyoung himself gets distracted into a loud conversation with Wonwoo, Jun, Seokmin and Seungkwan on the couch about evolution things that nobody on four glasses of wine should be debating about.

It’s a nice party overall, Minghao’s playlist is smooth and atmospheric and Soonyoung almost doesn’t have time to think about Jihoon cackling in the corner of the room with Mingyu and Josh.

They go through about five bottles of wine before the group concentrates around the TV table, some sitting on the floor, some on the couch, Jun on Wonwoo’s lap and Jeonghan on Seokmin’s.

“Why didn’t you invite your girlfriend?” Mingyu asks Jihoon after a bit of silence. “You could’ve told her to bring some friends.”

Soonyoung is suddenly preoccupied with the rip on his knee. Out of all topics, why this?

“Minghao was the one inviting, plus she’s not my girlfriend.” 

“You keep saying that but it’s been three months, Jihoonie,” Jeonghan says.

“Three months of her not being my girlfriend.”

“Then what do you define as a girlfriend? Because I hear the shit you do and–“

“Seungcheol!” Jihoon hisses and Soonyoung literally never wanted to die more than right then. He could just leave and get out of hearing all this shit but it would probably be too obvious. As if there aren’t enough people there already suspecting disgustingly lovesick Soonyoung. “We just… I don’t have to feel anything to have sex.”

“But having sex when you feel something is _ so _ much better,” Jeonghan points out and Soonyoung hates that he’s sitting right next to him, especially when Jeonghan is absentmindedly playing with his hair. Soonyoung still refuses to look up.

Thankfully Jun takes over the conversation with his own contributions of too much information until the pizza gets delivered and everyone gets swayed to that and Soonyoung finally makes his escape to the balcony. 

The fresh air feels nice after all the scented candles and Soonyoung a little nervously opens the few messages he has on his phone. It’s all mostly sex related, people really don’t beat around the bush there. Straight to the point – _ you’re cute, when do you want to meet? first time? I bet your pretty hole would– _

The balcony door opens suddenly and Soonyoung almost drops his phone over the ridge. 

“Sorry,” surprisingly it’s Jihoon and Soonyoung shakes his head dismissively, putting his phone away. Jihoon nudges him when he leans against the rail next to him. “How’ve you been?”

“Good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung attempts at a smile.

“Wonwoo mentioned you had your first therapy session.”

“Last month.”

“How was it?”

“We just got to know each other.”

There’s a pause and Soonyoung wonders if it’s the first time they’ve spoken since the start of the semester – just the two of them. 

Soonyoung smiles lightly. “Have you introduced yourself to Chan yet?”

“The kid you brought?”

“Yeah… Be kind, please? I can tell you’re making him nervous.”

Jihoon looks like he wants to argue but lets a small breath through his nose instead. “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

Jihoon huffs and Soonyoung has to restrain himself from brushing Jihoon’s hair away from his forehead in the light breeze. He missed him.

☆

Seeing Heejin after the first month is somehow pleasant. Almost hopeful. They talk about Soonyoung’s last few weeks, about school, about his mom calling weekly and their strained conversations that never last too long.

“I downloaded an app, like you suggested,” Soonyoung mentions when it’s nearing their last twenty minutes.

“Have you met with anyone?”

“Yeah.”

“Men?”

“Both.”

It's true. He went on a few dates – all pretty innocent until they want him to go back to their place and Soonyoung politely chickens out. He only went back to one girl’s apartment but they just made out until he left because she had morning classes next day. 

“How did it go?”

“It was nice.”

“Will you see anyone again?”

“I’m not sure yet.” It’s weird to be so honest with Heejin especially since this only the second time he’s ever spoken to her in his life. Or maybe that’s why he’s even able to be this honest. “I feel like I need to just get it out of my system,” he says without waiting for to speak.

“Get what out of your system?”

“All of these… Attachments? Just to confirm to myself that I can still feel something for other people.”

“Would you like to discuss your sexuality, Soonyoung?”

He doesn’t know why that question still hits so hard. He’s been basically living with an undeniable crush on a guy for years, so why is talking about this still so difficult?

“I don’t know what to discuss,” he admits. “I just like this one boy. The rest… Well, I’m not picky.”

“Would you like to tell me more about him?”

Soonyoung takes a small breath, and straightens out a little. “Well, he used to hate me when we first met. I’m still not sure why, I think it’s because he was jealous… I really wanted to be friends with him even then but he kept pushing me away and one day he did it so convincingly that I left him alone for good.”

“What did he say?”

“That he’s not interested in being my friend and that I should stop bothering him."

“So how did you get closer?”

“We practiced a lot the following year. I was really bad at technical and he helped me. Then last year we had a duet together… I already liked him then so as you can imagine that was pretty damn difficult,” Soonyoung laughs weakly.

“What do you like about him?”

Soonyoung stares at the table between them and shakes his head. “I don’t know.” She waits for him to say something conclusive but Soonyoung stays quiet. He’s afraid if he starts talking he won’t stop. 

“How is your relationship now?”

“Now… Now we aren’t really talking.”

“Are you upset about it?”

“A little. But I think it’s good if it’s like this for a little while.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment and Soonyoung looks up at the clock, seeing that their session ends in a few minutes.

“So when’s the next time?”

“In a month. Which day do you prefer?”

“Thursdays are okay with me.”

“Good,” when Soonyoung gets up she stops him. “It’s great if you’re aware that taking some space is important, but if he means a lot to you, it doesn’t mean that you have to cut him out of your life.”

“I know… But I’m just taking some time.”

“Of course,” she smiles. “I’ll see you next month, Soonyoung.” Soonyoung nods, and leaves.

☆

Just as he told Heejin, his mother calls weekly. To check how he’s doing and it’s all nice and polite until she starts treading around dance and Soonyoung rushes to hang up before he gets mad. She says she’s just worried for him but Soonyoung rather not have constant reminders that his dad will be livid with him when he finds out.

Other than that he has his jobs, auditions, friends. He tries to go out more but nothing is too exciting so mostly he just focuses on school – projects, recitals (one of them Seungcheol’s), teaching a few times a week, rehearsing with Chan. It’s nice. Soonyoung would have never thought that he could have a relaxing semester but this really feels like it. It finally doesn’t feel like his life is slipping between his fingers. 

He sees Jihoon only a few times that April – once when he randomly showed up at the studio and they freestyled a bit. He didn't say much that day, just that he felt like it. Afterwards, when Soonyoung asked if he’ll come again, he said he’ll think about it. He hasn’t come by since but they do see each other quite a lot at rehearsals for Seungcheol’s show. At first they didn’t talk much, but then it got easier. They started sitting together when Seungcheol goes over his plans, laughing at Seungcheol’s attempt at organizing twelve people, and as the weeks went by it got easier – Cheol even invited Soonyoung to Jihoon’s studio to help with inspiration and advice. It’s kind of nice that Seungcheol trusts him so much, it’s kind of awesome to see that he sees him and Jihoon as some sort of unit, too, even organizing a little solo part for them that he still hasn’t choreographed.

Soonyoung feels awkward about it at first, but it gets better. The tentativeness around Jihoon, the slight caution. It seems like they’re the only ones trying any kind of discretion because Cheol is completely the opposite.

“For your solo part,” he says towards the end of April. “I want you two to be at the front, like two generals leading their armies – and then you face each other,” he pauses, waiting for them to do it. “And converge, make peace, like what you did last year where you circle each other and merge… I’ll think of the specifics later.” While Cheol is speaking, Soonyoung doesn’t look away from Jihoon and Jihoon looks patiently back. 

Throwback to last year. Great. Just what he wanted.

Soonyoung smiles and Jihoon looks away and then Cheol takes his incredibly joyful role as the puppeteer and starts telling them how to stand – where to touch each other and how. It’s about two hours of that and by the end Soonyoung knows exactly how many abs Jihoon has on his stomach, how firm his biceps are, his thighs. At one point Seungcheol even tells him to wrap his hand around Jihoon’s neck and Soonyoung glares.

“Come on, gently… It’s romantic!”

“What kind of romance are you into?” Soonyoung mutters but does as asked, softly, space between his thumb and forefinger resting right below his jaw. Jihoon’s eyes are half-mast and he’s silent. He’s been silent the whole time actually and whatever redness dusts his cheeks is either exertion or flush, but either way Soonyoung can’t blame him.

“Tilt your chin up, Jihoon.” Jihoon does and it’s so hard… So hard to look at him like this. Mouth slightly open and teeth poking through and the soft fuzz of his skin so close to his face. Is it as soft as it looks? Is it? The thought is so demanding in his head Soonyoung’s thumb runs involuntarily along his jaw and Jihoon meets his eyes which has Soonyoung letting go immediately and stepping back.

“You two look so good,” Seungcheol says but Soonyoung is looking away, flustered. Well, fuck.

Thankfully Cheol doesn’t keep them for much longer and Soonyoung gets out of there fast, politely declining an offer to go get dinner.

Instead he opens his trusty app and agrees to some guy he’s chatting with that he’ll go on a date with him.

Tae:_ tomorrow good? _

Soonyoung: _perfect_

Maybe this time he can finally avoid just using his hand.

☆

The date goes well. Soonyoung has gone out with guys before but it’s much more nerve-wrecking than with girls. Not in a bad way, just because it’s new. They go to the park after and make out a little on a patch of grass hidden by the trees but Soonyoung is too nervous to do anything else so he excuses it with studying and they separate like that.

He’s a nice enough guy too. A little older, working at some start up in Hongdae so it’s not far from campus either which he keeps reminding Soonyoung about whenever they talk. It’s no surprise that any dude he’ll meet on these apps will want sex, but Soonyoung… Soonyoung doesn’t know how he feels about that. 

They meet again the second week of May after Soonyoung’s midterms – which go by miraculously well. Soonyoung doesn’t even feel sleep-deprived… What kind of magic is that? – They go to a movie first, then to some barbecue place, and for their fourth date Tae somehow convinces Soonyoung to actually show up at his house to watch a popular Drama as it airs. It’s not hard to figure out what he actually wants to do there though, considering he’s been trying to get Soonyoung to come over since their first date. 

“I have a question,” he asks Jun and Wonwoo when he comes over uninvited before meeting with Tae. 

“What is it?” Jun asks while Wonwoo is in the armchair working on an assignment. They had moved into a cute small place – a bright living room and one bedroom decorated with plants and their newly adopted orange British Shorthair kitten that sleeps peacefully by Wonwoo’s thigh. They named her Risotto, an ode to their first date and sometimes Soonyoung really can’t stand how perfectly these two fit together.

“How do two men have sex?”

Wonwoo stares at him over his glasses while Jun grins excitedly.

“Why do you ask?”

“Why do you think I ask?”

“Either you're simply curious, or Wonwoo owes me twenty dollars.”

Soonyoung narrows his eyes at Wonwoo and then looks back at Jun. “I’ve been sort of going out with this guy, he definitely wants more but I’m just… Nervous.”

Jun leans back on the couch. “You’re gay.”

“Probably bi.”

Jun nods, still smiling and pats his shoulder. “Me too, buddy. So gay sex –“ He goes into an elaborate explanation and when he gets up to bring examples of lube and other sex toys Soonyoung finally looks over at Wonwoo who’s sitting with his face in his hands. Jun continues when he’s back and just as he’s about to pour lube onto his fingers for better demonstration Wonwoo tells him to stop. 

“So who is this guy?” Jun asks when all the sex things are put away and Soonyoung is sitting there a little… Flustered to say the least. He’s seen enough gay porn when he was trying to figure things out, but this was a little more hands on explanation… He hates that the person he was imagining everything with has remained the same.

“Some guy from tinder.”

“When’s your next date?”

“Tonight…” 

“So you’re going to sleep with him?”

Soonyoung considers it… It’s not like he was against it. It just felt wrong. Like he was putting himself into a position he just wasn’t ready for. Or at least not enthusiastic about.

“Dude, we should celebrate our birthdays at a gay club this year!” Jun adds without waiting for an answer and Soonyoung laughs.

“We have a month to decide.”

“Well, let me know! I think it could be fun! Wonwoo never wants to go but if it's for an occasion…”

He and Wonwoo get into a small argument about local gay clubs so Soonyoung politely says his goodbyes and takes Jun’s offered spare lube, leaving for Tae’s.

Everything starts rather casually – them on the couch, popcorn, the drama on TV. About halfway through, the emptied bowl is left on the table and Tae has his arm around him playing softly with the hair at his nape and Soonyoung’s lets his head fall into the palm of his hand, enjoying it, closing his eyes when Tae starts kissing his neck. This kissing is also – nothing new. They made out at all of their dates so far, but usually that isn’t done somewhere private enough where Tae’s hand running up his leg wouldn't be considered PDA.

The touching happens pretty fast, fingers curling around his inner thigh and hands sinking deeper in his hair and Soonyoung gasps when his hand cups around him.

“So you’re a virgin right?”

“With guys, yeah.”

“We can take it slow,” Tae promises and Soonyoung nods into the kiss and sure he’s getting harder simply because well… This is hot. There’s no other way around it. Tae throws Soonyoung’s thigh over his lap and stretches him marveling at how easily Soonyoung can do that. “Dancers are sexy…” He mutters, rubbing up and down his thigh as he kisses him and Soonyoung falls back onto the cushions with Tae over him, grinding their hips together and when Soonyoung feels him hard against him, he moans.

They make out like that for a while, long enough that their shirts are on the floor and Soonyoung is sure he has some hickeys on his chest and he’s hard enough that he’s about to come anyway when Tae’s phone starts ringing and he groans into his neck.

“Just a second, I’ll tell whoever it is I’m busy,” he says going to answer the phone and Soonyoung leans up on his forearms assessing the situation. He still has his borrowed lube bottle in the pocket of his jean jacket so he quickly gets up to get it since Tae seems to have gotten too distracted with the phone call, hand running through his messy hair.

While he’s there he checks his phone too, surprised at how many texts he’s gotten in the last hour. There is one from Jun (_good luck buddy!! give me the deets after_ ), Cheol (_lmk when ure free, we need to get back to practicing now that youre done with exams_), and one from Jihoon with an mp3 file.

Jihoon: _ tell me if you like it, I’m at the studio if u wanna come by and tweak it _

Soonyoung stares at the attached file and then glances at Tae who’s still walking around the living room on the call and plays the song, raising his phone to his ear. 

Saying it’s good would be an understatement. Or maybe Soonyoung is just endlessly amazed with Jihoon, that’s also a possibility. It’s a hip hop beat of sorts – but slower, kind of sexy. He and Chan are working on a routine since Soonyoung wants to choreograph something and when Jihoon heard about it at one of Seungcheol's practices he offered to write a song. And he did. And god it’s good… It’s so good… It helps that it’s definitely Jihoon rapping and the song has a steady beat that has his already hard cock pulsing with some sort of need.

Soonyoung: _ it’s so good jihoon thank you _

Jihoon: _ are you sure? If theres anything missing i can add _

Soonyoung was going to put his phone away, not wanting to get distracted by it, but since Jihoon answered right away...

Soonyoung: _ no it’s perfect seriously. I didn't know you’re doing vocals now _

Jihoon: _ ahh yeah I didn’t want to bother vernon bc of midterms so I tried it out myself _

Soonyoung: _ as always jihoonie is amazing at everything T_____T _

Jihoon: _ ahahah _

Jihoon: _ what are you up to? _

He could lie, Soonyoung thinks. Just say he’s out with a friend – but something about the whole situation, him standing topless with a hard-on in this guy's kitchen...

Soonyoung: _ I’m on a date actually _

It definitely takes Jihoon longer to answer this time and Soonyoung bites his lip.

Jihoon: _ ooh I didn’t know youre seeing anyone _

Soonyoung: _ not really just having fun _

Jihoon: _ clearly _

Jihoon: _ so wheres the date now _

Soonyoung:_ on the phone _

Jihoon: _ that’s not very polite ahahah _

Soonyoung feels himself smiling.

Soonyoung: _ so u think ure a better date :P _

Jihoon: _ well sooyoung broke up with me so clearly not _

Wait. What.

Soonyoung: _what? _ _ _whe_n? _

Jihoon: _ uhh like a month ago _

Soonyoung: _ why? _

Jihoon: _hmmm idk i guess_ _i ___was dating_ her for the wrong reasons _

Soonyoung stares at his phone, heart beating loud in his chest and when Tae comes back, palms cold on his skin he shudders, and not in a good way.

“Sorry… Some business issues. None of these interns know how to deal with things on their own,” he mutters into his skin and Soonyoung is still staring at his screen. “Who’s Jihoon?”

Soonyoung locks his phone. “Nobody,” he says, but twists out of Tae’s arms.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing."

He smiles. “So let’s continue where we left off?” He leans in again, hands around his waist and mouth warm on the underside of his jaw as he climbs up to Soonyoung’s mouth. 

But it’s hard. And not in a good way. It’s hard to enjoy this when Jihoon has been single all this time and Soonyoung…

Would it matter though? Even if he’s single. It’s not like he’d want Soonyoung anyway. Because Soonyoung is _ weird_. Because Soonyoung–

“Are you okay?” Tae asks noticing that Soonyoung is too lost in his head to properly kiss back.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

Soonyoung swallows, not really knowing what to say. All he can think about is Jihoon’s beautiful rapping voice, Jihoon’s soft skin and fit torso and pretty fingers that are nothing like Tae’s. Jihoon who dated his name-double because of the _ wrong reasons_. What does that mean? There’s so much empty hope in his chest it feels like it will burst out of him.

“Is it this Jihoon? Is he an ex?”

“What? No."

“So who is he?”

“A friend.”

Tae looks at him, then sighs stepping back. “I don’t want to be rude, but you don’t seem ready for this.” Soonyoung opens his mouth to disagree but he can’t even do that. “Not that I don’t think you’re great company, but if this isn’t going anywhere then…”

Soonyoung gets the message himself and nods, awkwardly collecting his shirt from the floor by the couch while Tae watches, arms crossed.

“Are you even sure you’re gay?” He asks when Soonyoung comes back for his jacket.

“Well, I like girls too.”

“How do you know you like guys?”

Soonyoung swallows. “I just know,” he says.

“Is it this Jihoon guy?” Soonyoung stays quiet and Tae smiles. “I’ve been there buddy… The crush on the straight guy. Happens to all of us. Just don’t get stuck there too long, okay? You have my number if you ever need anything. You’re a good guy.”

“Thank you,” Soonyoung’s voice is quiet but he means it and Tae gives him a soft pat on the cheek and an even softer kiss before sending him off.

Soonyoung considers if he should do it, _ why _ he’s doing it… But his legs carry him before he can overthink it and in half an hour he’s knocking on Jihoon’s usual studio room hoping he’s still there.

Jihoon opens the door and blinks at him – or maybe at the light from the hallway after his dark studio – but either way, he looks surprised.

“What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.”

Jihoon watches him, then smiles a little, letting him come inside. “How was your date?”

“It was okay. I wasn’t feeling it.” He’s testing the waters. He feels the need to try.

“Hmm… I guess the phone thing didn't do it for you,” he smirks and Soonyoung smiles back. “Are you hungry?”

They order some food and eat it on the small table in his studio and Soonyoung feels a little foolish sitting here on the couch with Jihoon when he could’ve been getting fucked.

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Sooyoung broke up?” Soonyoung asks. He's way too curious about it.

Jihoon shrugs. “I was embarrassed. I don’t know… Was I supposed to just text you and be like _ oh hey the girl I’m fucking broke up with me because– _“ He sighs loudly and puts down his chopsticks. “Remember that day I showed up to dance with you?” Soonyoung nods. “Well Sooyoung broke up with me just before that,” he smiles but it’s humorless.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Soonyoung’s mind works in overdrive and when he looks at Jihoon he isn’t meeting his eyes.

“Jihoon.”

“What?” His voice is so soft.

There are so many thoughts in his head – _ why did you date Sooyoung? Why does her name sound just like mine? Why did she really break up with you? Did you find her weird? Do you still find me weird? Did you date her because I tried to kiss you? _

“You know you can dance with me even when you haven’t just broken up with someone.”

Jihoon meets his eyes and rolls them and Soonyoung smiles.

Maybe… Well maybe there’s something to hope for after all.

Soonyoung_ : how do I know for sure this guy is straight? _

Tae: _ u rlly have the balls to ask me that two hours after we almost fucked lol _

Tae: _ but idk man u just know? Just bc he has a gf doesn't mean he’s straight btw _

Soonyoung: _ when I asked him to kiss me he said it would be weird but we were holding hands _

Tae: _ oh god… good luck with that one ahahahaha _

Tae: _ most probably not straight btw ahahahahahahhahaha _

Soonyoung watches Jihoon working on some song and tucks his phone away with a small smile.

Like he said. Hope.

☆

He sees Heejin next week and mentions it to Jihoon when they’re at one of Seungcheol’s practices.

“Do you want me to come with?”

“Oh? No it’s okay.”

“Wonwoo goes with you, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So maybe I can come this time.”

“Why?”

“I want to.”

Simple. As always.

They drop the conversation but Jihoon texts him next Tuesday anyway.

Jihoon: _ what time is your therapy session tomorrow? _

Soonyoung reads the message but it takes him a while to respond and Jihoon notices.

Jihoon: _ I don’t have to come if you don’t want me to _

Soonyoung chews on his lip. He doesn’t know how to explain this feeling. Happiness? Excitement? Fear? All of the above?

Soonyoung: _ whatever you want is fine. It’s at ten _

Jihoon: _ I’ll meet you at the dorms at 9:30? _

Soonyoung: _ ok _

Jihoon:_ great _

☆

Jihoon waits for him that Wednesday at nine thirty outside the dorms just as he promised and Soonyoung almost expects not to see him there in his too large T-shirt but he sits on the bench. Waiting. 

“Good morning,” he murmurs when Soonyoung comes closer and Soonyoung feels awfully like this is strange. Is it even appropriate for Jihoon to take him to therapy where he spends a considerable amount of time analyzing their relationship? 

When they get there Jihoon stays at the same Starbucks as Wonwoo, all set up with his laptop and large headphones and Soonyoung promises to meet him there after his session, before going to his therapist’s office across the street.

At Heejin’s they mostly talk about how midterms went and then a bit about his mother, students, Chan, his dates with Tae and finally Jihoon. 

“You can’t assume sexuality like that,” Heejin says after he mentions his conversation with Tae. “Just approach it with care – both for him and yourself, too.”

“I just don’t know what we mean to each other. Where this is going.”

“That’s for you two to discuss and find out.”

“He came with me today,” he says suddenly, despite not wanting to and Heejin watches him, as if analyzing.

“Did you ask him to come with you?”

“He insisted.”

“And how does that make you feel?” The typical phrasing of the question makes him laugh.

“Strange… Like he shouldn’t be here,” he admits, still not meeting her eyes. “But it makes me happy too. Like maybe he really does care. Like maybe… I don’t know. I feel like there’s hope.”

She doesn’t say anything for a while and Soonyoung looks up, seeing that their session ends in a few minutes.

“Hope for what?”

“That he might also want me like this too.”

She nods, jotting something down and then they make a meeting for next month.

“Last year when your mother found out,” she starts before Soonyoung can leave. “Something else happened didn’t it?”

“Too much work.”

“I meant with Jihoon.”

Soonyoung looks back at her for a long second. “We almost kissed,” he admits finally. “But he said it would be weird, and then he started dating Sooyoung.”

Heejin nods. “Thank you for telling me.”

“No worries. It’s not like it was the most embarrassing moment of my life.”

She doesn’t laugh. “He might not be ready for this as much as you are, that’s also worth considering. And since we’re here to help _ you_, I just want you to be ready for that.”

Soonyoung nods. “He broke up with her. He told me… Last month, he randomly came to dance with me. Now he told me it was the same day they broke up.”

“Is that what you count as hope?”

“I think it counts for something.”

Heejin nods. “I’ll see you June thirteenth, Soonyoung.”

“That’s two days before my birthday.”

She smiles. “I know.”

Soonyoung waves bye and hurries back across the street in the light drizzle.

Jihoon is still at the coffee shop when Soonyoung comes back. It’s almost a strange feeling, like he’s re-entering the real world from some sort of dream. Or maybe the opposite. Maybe _this_ is the dream.

“How was it?” Jihoon asks and Soonyoung stares speechlessly at the extra cup of latte on his side of the table. “It’s for you. Vanilla. I thought you might end sooner though, so it might be a little cold.”

Soonyoung sits and stares at it for a long time without speaking.

“It was okay,” he says quietly. Jihoon looks like he wants to ask more but he doesn’t, instead asking if it’s okay if they stay there for a few minutes while he finishes an email and the rain passes. Soonyoung nods. When he touches the coffee cup, it’s warm.

☆

The four weeks until his birthday pass by casually. Almost too comfortably. Soonyoung gets great grades on his midterms. He sees Lia finally after months and she commends him on his attitude both in school and therapy and says she can’t wait to see his recitals. His shows are going well too as well as his little recital with Chan. Jihoon even shows up a few times to see how they’re adapting to the music and to watch their routine.

At first it’s awkward, but then seeing Jihoon and Chan’s weird relationship becomes kind of entertaining. That strange tension they have where Chan looks up to Jihoon but Jihoon scrutinizes every move Chan makes.

“I just don’t understand why you think he is anywhere near your level enough to perform with you,” Jihoon says to Soonyoung one day and Chan glares from the other side of the room.

“I’m right here!!!”

It’s a soft little rivalry, and it’s mostly hilarious for Soonyoung to mediate until Jihoon pushes too far and Soonyoung has to remind him to be kinder. And Jihoon tries, he really does. But whenever Chan gets too excited around Soonyoung, Jihoon leaves the room and Soonyoung doesn’t really know what to do about it.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes to Chan and Chan shrugs.

“Doesn’t bother me, I know it’s not personal. He’s just jealous,” Soonyoung frowns. “Really? You can't tell? He’s only ever annoyed whenever you agree with me.” he shrugs. “Doesn’t intimidate me that he doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings.” Soonyoung simply stares at him. “You really had no idea?” Chan laughs. “It’s kind of funny actually. When he’s back I’ll fix your stance and watch for his reaction, it’s hilarious.”

Soonyoung doesn’t have time to agree before Jihoon is back and they start the music again with Jihoon monitoring. At one point Chan asks to pause the music to fix the angle of Soonyoung’s arm and when Soonyoung glances at Jihoon he’s glaring at the precise spot where he’s touching him. Then Chan’s hand goes to his hip to move it outward and suddenly it’s Jihoon doing it instead.

“I think I have a better view on this, don’t you think?” He asks and Chan steps back smiling and now it’s Soonyoung’s turn to suffer from Jihoon casually pressing on his thighs as he moves them apart. 

“Hilarious, right?” Chan asks after when they’re gathering their things and Soonyoung really doesn’t know how to answer that when for the last hour he was thinking of his Business Law terminology just so he won’t get hard.

☆

When his birthday comes closer Jun reminds him of the gay club idea he had a while back. 

“You still wanna?” He asks eagerly about two weeks before their birthdays.

Soonyoung agrees, only because it seems like a fun idea and he wants to do something new and Jun grins happily.

“Good, because I already got a friend to reserve us a space. We can all split and it won’t come out too much! Anyone specific you want to invite?”

They start a group chat with their friends and nobody points out that it’s a gay bar but Boy Deck does have a certain ring to it that’s impossible not to discern.

“How did Jun convince you to do this?” Jihoon asks later that night when Soonyoung comes to his studio and Soonyoung considers for a good few seconds before he replies.

“Well, I kind of like guys too, so…”

Jihoon stares. “Oh.”

“Yeah…” Soonyoung looks at his hands for a short while before realizing Jihoon won’t be saying anything else. “Is that an issue?” He asks carefully.

Jihoon leans back. “What? What… No, of course not.” Soonyoung keeps watching him warily.

“Did you really have no idea?”

“I mean…” It’s like he’s in a zombie state and Soonyoung doesn’t know how to interpret that, the same memory coming back to him again and again – Jihoon saying kissing him would be_ weird_.

“You don’t have to come if you’re not okay with this.”

Jihoon glares at him now. “Stop saying that! Of course I am.”

Soonyoung sighs, leaning back on the couch and Jihoon looks away again, not meeting his eyes.

“You know when I asked to kiss you New Years, I meant it,” he says suddenly and Jihoon stills. He clearly didn’t expect Soonyoung to just mention that so casually.

It’s a curious thing – to watch Jihoon freeze over. It’s like his biggest fears are out in the open and Soonyoung doesn’t know how that makes him feel. Maybe Heejin is right. Jihoon isn’t ready for whatever any of this is – whether it’s liking Soonyoung back or being brave enough to reject him properly.

Still, Jihoon’s cheeks are slightly dark and ears darker. He won’t meet his eyes and Soonyoung waits, except he’s not sure for what.

“You said it would be _ weird_, do you remember that?” Jihoon doesn’t reply. “So if you think going to a gay club for my birthday is also _ weird_, then you don’t have to come Jihoon.”

Jihoon looks at him finally, glaring again. “I said I’m fine with it. I don’t like what you’re implying.”

“It’s nothing.”

They’re awkwardly silent for a little while before Jihoon turns back to work on the song and Soonyoung leaves without saying bye.

☆

Soonyoung has another meeting with Heejin the day before his birthday and Jihoon doesn’t come this time.

“What’s wrong?” She asks immediately.

“I think Jihoon and I had a fight.”

“He didn’t come today?”

“No.”

“What was the fight about?”

“My friend and I have our birthday the same week so this year we’re celebrating at a gay club,” he runs his fingers through his hair. “I told Jihoon he doesn’t have to come if that makes him uncomfortable.”

“The gay club?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

“He got mad that I even implied that.”

“What did you say exactly?”

“I mentioned how he had called kissing me ‘weird’ and said if going to a gay club for my birthday is weird for him too he doesn’t have to come.”

“Have you spoken to him since?”

“That was a few days ago and no… We’re going out Friday.”

“Do you think he’s going to come?”

Soonyoung shrugs. “We’ll see.”

“Are you mad?”

“At Jihoon?” She doesn’t reply. “I don’t know. I just wish I knew what’s going on inside his head. It’s frustrating… I’m looking for hints… Anything. Like when I practice my recital with Chan, he’s a few years younger than us, and Jihoon is there, he can’t stand him.”

“How come?”

“Chan says it’s because he’s jealous,” he meets her eyes. “It kind of looks like that too… So I don’t know what to think. I kind of don’t want to think about it anymore either… This back and forth. I just want to have fun this weekend.”

“That’s a good attitude to have.”

“Yeah.”

They talk about some other things and schedule another meeting for next month and when Soonyoung gets home, he takes a nap and ignores the empty feeling in his chest when he doesn’t hear from Jihoon at all other than a short text the evening of his birthday.

☆

_ Boys Deck _ is kind of a hilarious time. Soonyoung gets drunk way too fast, whoever is lining shots of tequila for him clearly wants his liver dead by the end of the night and by the fifth shot Soonyoung doesn’t care. Most of his friends are there too, Jun wasted as hell, Wonwoo, Cheol, Jeonghan, Seokmin, Joshua, Mingyu, everyone really other than Jihoon.

“What a bummer,” Soonyoung whines staring at another shot when Cheol grabs his shoulder to tell him to be careful but Soonyoung is already throwing his head back feeling it burn.

He dances a lot, too. Too much. He wears a flowy button up that is undone to the center of his chest and leather pants that are tight but not too tight, enough that his ass looks amazing and they’re easy to pull down if needed.

It’s paying off too. The number of people all over him is almost comical, he’s pretty sure in the last hour of him on the dance floor he’s been kissed by at least a dozen different men and it’s too fun, too hot, and he’s way too drunk to care that someone is biting lightly on his collarbone right on the dance floor.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He hears in his ear and he’s not even sure who’s talking but when he turns his head it’s some guy, a little tall and a little too sexy, hands tight on his waist and ass and hips pushing against his. 

“Not too far?” Soonyoung asks and then he’s dragged to the bathroom and pushed onto a toilet seat with the guy on his lap, grinding, kissing all over and then his dick is in his mouth and Soonyoung is staring at the disgusting club ceiling, coming intensely when the guy’s fingers scrape the crack of his ass.

“Should I…” He asks and the guy only kisses him again before taking out a pen and writing his number right onto Soonyoung’s chest. 

“Sorry, not interested in taking your virginity in a bathroom stall,” he laughs, capping the pen. “But call me?” Then he leaves.

Soonyoung sits there for a whole minute, with his dick still out and when he hears someone else walk in, he cleans up and tucks himself in before leaving the stall.

“Oh,” he stops immediately when his eyes meet Jihoon’s in the mirror. “You’re here.”

Jihoon stills while washing his hands and Soonyoung also can’t look away. In the back of his mind he's aware how he looks right now – his shirt nearly fully undone and bright black numbers written right below his collarbone. 

“I thought you left.”

“No.”

Jihoon turns around. He's wearing ripped black jeans and a bright blue short-sleeved button up that reveals too much of his arms. Soonyoung wants to cry. He kind of wants that guy on his dick again just so he won’t have to stare at this Jihoon anymore knowing he can’t have him.

Soonyoung reaches to wash his hands and Jihoon steps away but he’s still strangely close, not meeting his eyes. When he’s done, he leans his hands on the edge of the sink and stares at Jihoon.

“Are you real?”

Jihoon meets his eyes. “What?”

“I don’t know,” he reaches to poke his cheek. “You don’t even look like you’re breathing.”

Jihoon only stares at him. “I’m real.”

“Hmm. Why were you late?”

“I had to finish something with Vernon.”

“Are you having fun?”

“Surely not as much fun as you.” He says it like it’s a challenge and Soonyoung watches back before smiling, eyes lingering lightly on his mouth.

“Surely not.”

They’re quiet in this weird dirty bathroom where just a few minutes ago Soonyoung had his dick in someone else’s mouth. Is Jihoon aware of that? He wants to ask, but there’s something quiet about this moment with just them two and the lack of control Soonyoung feels when he notices Jihoon staring down at either his lips or his chest that has his own head tilting forward without really knowing what’s happening.

“Soonyoung!” The door pushes open and suddenly one of the guys Soonyoung was dancing with earlier is pulling him out and Soonyoung only has a brief second to look back at Jihoon who’s already facing away.

He dances more. Drinks more. Gets kissed some more. Ends up dancing on the bar table with Jun and taking shots of another man’s six pack, licking around his navel. He joins his friends for a few drinks too and briefly notices Jihoon is still there with Wonwoo and Jeonghan and their eyes meet right before Soonyoung downs another shot and is dragged away again.

He ends up kissing someone else and he’s probably too far gone to be making out with anyone but something about too much tequila in his system makes him so horny especially when he knows Jihoon is watching he almost can’t take it… 

“Who was that guy from the bathroom?” The guy asks him around his lips and Soonyoung lets his hands slip under his shirt.

“Hmm?”

“The guy I saw you in the bathroom with?”

Soonyoung smiles. “Ahh.. Jihoonie.”

“Jihoonie,” the guy repeats. “He won’t stop staring.”

Soonyoung can’t stop grinning pushing his hips against the guy before they kiss again. “Who cares?”

“Clearly you.”

“Is he really watching?”

“He won’t stop.”

Soonyoung kisses him so pointedly, making a show, tongue sucking, bottom lip sucking then lets the guy make out with his neck eyes closing and dick so hard against him.

“You’re not going to come right here are you?” The guy asks against his ear and Soonyoung holds on to him tight, moaning when he pushes him closer by his ass and grinds against his thigh.

“Fuck,” he moans again, forehead against his neck.

“He’s still looking you know,” the guy whispers and Soonyoung is embarrassingly hard over it. Grinding again. Oh fucking hell… Oh fuck how he wishes this was Jihoon instead. If he’s watching... If he’s jealous… Why can’t he come… Why can’t he fucking…

He’s panting when they kiss again, he kind of can’t control it either put part of himself knows there’s something so wrong about what he’s doing that he pulls away eventually, breathing hard. 

“Wanna get out of here so we can finish this?” He asks, forehead leaning against his and Soonyoung’s dick is so hard against his hip. He could say yes. Just accept it. Fuck it out. Or get fucked out. But knowing that Jihoon has been watching all this time…

“You should figure your shit out,” the guy says pushing off of Soonyoung and Soonyoung can’t blame him for being annoyed as he goes to look for someone else to hook up with. Soonyoung returns to their corner instead, crashing onto the couch next to Jeonghan.

“You good?”

Soonyoung groans and feels Jeonghan’s warm hand against his skin. “Drink some water,” he tells him. “Also straighten up, nobody wants to see your boner.”

Soonyoung does, weakly, and then gets handed over a bottle of water and sips on it slowly and when he looks up he finally meets eyes with Jihoon. 

God, he’s sexy… Soonyoung thinks. Such a painful fucking thought. He takes another few sips and closes his eyes leaning back and hears Jeonghan ask how he’s getting home.

“He can sleep at ours,” it’s Cheol speaking but Soonyoung is already laughing at the implications.

“What time is it?” He mutters and Jeonghan tells him it’s almost four. He lays there with his arm over his eyes until someone nudges him and when he opens his eyes it’s Cheol helping him up.

“Let’s go.”

“I have to pay.”

“It’s okay, it’s taken care of big boy,” Cheol is grinning at him but Soonyoung frowns, following him slightly wobbling. “Are you going to throw up?” He asks when they’re outside and just hearing that makes Soonyoung push him aside so he can empty his stomach out on the pavement.

“Fuck,” he spits.

“‘Atta boy,” Cheol pats him. “Jihoon could you run across the street for a bottle of water please.”

_ Ah, fuck, Jihoon is there? _ What a sexy thing to witness. Soonyoung really can’t believe his luck. He lowers himself where it’s clean and a few seconds later there’s a bottle of water by his face and Soonyoung drinks half of it before asking Cheol where they’re going.

“Home. You’re sleeping at ours.” 

“I can–“

“Don’t argue, I kind of want to make sure you didn’t give yourself alcohol poisoning and Wonwoo has enough of Jun to deal with for tonight.”

“I’m fine…”

“Soonyoung.” It’s Jihoon warning and Soonyoung shuts up taking his hand when he offers it to help him stand.

He’s tired now, head slightly clearer, but the cab makes him nauseous but Jihoon’s perfume doesn’t and his head feels heavy when it drops onto his shoulder. He just wants to be close to him. A whole night of messing around, of kissing and dancing with strangers and everything in between and he still ends up only wanting this. 

It’s a blur when they take him out of the cab, he laughs at something Cheol is saying but he’s way too far gone to really follow the conversation. At one point he’s aware that he’s laying down and when he opens his eyes he sees the ceiling and hears soft murmuring. 

He attempts sitting up almost on autopilot but there’s a quick arm on his shoulder pushing him gently back down. 

“Go to bed Soonyoung,” Jihoon’s voice is soft and Soonyoung lays back down, watching him. 

“Did you have fun today?"

“Yeah.” 

“Sure?” 

Jihoon looks at him before replying. “Well probably not as much as you,” he laughs. “But yeah.” 

“Good… I was scared you wouldn’t come because–”

“Don’t say it,” Jihoon nearly begs. 

“Well it’s true, isn’t it?” Jihoon only stares. “You’re the one who said it."

“I… I never meant it like that, okay?” 

“Like what?”

“There’s nothing weird about two guys kissing,” his voice is so light in the dark room. The door is half open so some light from the living room pools in but it’s dark otherwise, Jihoon’s face full of shadows and eyes not really meeting his.

“Unless those two guys are you and me.”

Jihoon meets his eyes then. “Not even then.” 

Soonyoung feels himself sit up, leaning up on an elbow and Jihoon’s hand quickly goes to his shoulder. “Soonyoung,” he warns. 

“So if I kiss you now?”

“You’re drunk.” 

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to kiss you,” he’s trying to lean closer, Jihoon’s lips don’t look far at all. “Drunk or sober… All the time.”

“Well maybe I don’t want to kiss you when you’re drunk,” Jihoon whispers and Soonyoung swears he feels it against his lips. 

“But if I wasn’t drunk?” Jihoon doesn’t answer right away and Soonyoung feels incredibly sober when he sees Jihoon’s eyes on his lips. He leans closer, his hand on Jihoon’s arm and Jihoon seems suddenly small sitting by his side, unmoving. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung whispers. He swears their noses brush and then Jihoon’s cold hand is on the side of his neck. “I better remember this tomorrow.”

Jihoon actually laughs at that and leans away first. “Goodnight, Soonyoung.”

“Goodnight, Jihoon,” he watches him and Jihoon looks back for a long minute before he leaves and only when the door has closed behind him Soonyoung lays back down, staring at the ceiling. _ Jihoon wouldn’t mind kissing me, Jihoon wouldn’t mind kissing me, Jihoon wouldn’t mind kissing me, _ he feels himself repeat it until he falls asleep just so his stupid drunk mind won’t let him forget. 

☆

By some miracle with nearly a whole tequila bottle in his system, Soonyoung remembers everything the next morning even if it costs him the worst headache of his life. 

The party, the dancing, the grinding, the blowjob, Jihoon, more dancing, nearly coming in the middle of the dance floor, more Jihoon and then only – Jihoon, Jihoon, _ Jihoon _ telling him he wouldn’t mind kissing him. 

Fuck. 

He sits up too quickly when the memories come to him that he has to run to the bathroom to empty out whatever is left in his system. 

“I think he’s up,” he hears Cheol from the living room and groans against the toilet seat. 

It’s Saturday and he has work in the afternoon so all he really has time to do is gulp three cups of water and two Advils, and thank Cheol before running off so he has enough time to shower before his lesson. Jihoon wasn’t there and maybe that’s a good thing for now, Soonyoung has to process certain things before he can handle seeing him again. 

☆

Soonyoung:_ wanna practice for cheols monday? _

Jihoon: _okay_

That’s their only exchange over the weekend until it’s eight in the evening on Monday and Soonyoung is standing in the middle of the room waiting for him to come. 

“Hi,” he says when Jihoon arrives. 

“Hey.” 

It’s an awkward moment. Maybe too awkward. Soonyoung is unmoving as he watches Jihoon put his things down and connect his phone to the sound system. He doesn’t say anything, neither of them do, but Soonyoung watches him, he _ really _ watches him and all he hopes his eyes can deliver what he’s thinking – _ I know what we talked about. This conversation isn’t over_. With the way Jihoon can’t make himself meet his eyes, Soonyoung thinks it's kind of working. 

“So since you said you wouldn’t mind kissing me,” Soonyoung says at the end of practice and Jihoon chokes on the water he’s drinking. “How do I make it happen?”

He says it too seriously that even Jihoon doesn’t know how to interpret it, lowering his bottle, chin glistening with spilled water. 

“I can’t be the one to tell you that,” Jihoon says and steps away when Soonyoung steps closer. Soonyoung keeps coming nearer and Jihoon anxiously steps away until Soonyoung is right in front of him and reaches out to wipe the extra wetness off his chin and keeps his hand there.

“So it’s not useless if I try then?” He asks watching him and Jihoon’s breath is soft when it escapes his mouth. 

“Do whatever you want, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung smiles. “You wouldn’t like that, Jihoonie,” he says, leaning slightly closer and it feels like a danger zone, blaring red and so _ so _ tempting. “I’m going to make you want this too,” he promises against his lips and then takes a step back, letting him go. 

“Bye, Jihoon.” He leaves before he gets a reply. Seeing Jihoon’s cheeks flushed pink was perfect enough. 

☆

Jihoon is kind of lucky, or maybe both of them are. They’re busy with end of the year preparations so there isn’t much time to do the proper woo-ing, but they still see each other at Seungcheol’s practices. The first week was tense and uncomfortable and Seungcheol definitely noticed something giving them a pep-talk about the wrong tension they’re delivering, but as time went by it was easier to grow past it. It was also kind of better that Jihoon relaxed if Soonyoung didn’t mention too much of anything. 

Still, it’s kind of thrilling like this, with everything a little more out in the open. If they hang out with all of their friends Soonyoung isn’t afraid to have his eyes linger on Jihoon a little. Or if they practice he lets himself touch Jihoon just a little more than necessary, and miraculously Jihoon doesn’t push away. Or when he’s at Jihoon’s studio, he could lean too closely when he’s watching what’s happening on Jihoon’s screen, Jihoon stills a little and it’s almost fascinating to see how such little things can have such big effects on him. 

He wants to get a solid answer, Soonyoung thinks. It's almost like a strange need. Because this teasing is fun, it’s cute, but as weeks go by it’s just not enough. 

Soonyoung is on his way home from work one Thursday evening early July and texts Jihoon if he’s at the studio when walking past the building. 

_ Dinner? _ Jihoon agrees but asks if they can order in instead. They order fried chicken and two cokes and Jihoon mostly works on his things until the food arrives and he comes to sit next to him.

“Is there a reason you’re always at this studio?” Soonyoung asks. 

“Is there a reason _ you’re _ always at the same studio?” Jihoon shoots back and Soonyoung nods. 

“Good point.” 

“I’m just used to it,” Jihoon shrugs reaching for a piece. “Plus there’s a good amount of space in case anyone comes.”

“Does anyone besides me come here?” 

“Don’t flatter yourself.” 

Soonyoung grins. “Did Sooyoung come here?” Jihoon doesn’t reply and Soonyoung’s smile turns into a frown. “Ugh, on this couch?” 

“I didn’t even say anything. You’re just assuming.” 

“Well it’s obvious, isn’t it? You have a studio large enough for a couch and constant mood-lighting, don’t tell me you haven’t fucked here.” Jihoon’s lips purse. “Are you ashamed of it?” 

“No.” 

“Hmm.” Soonyoung leans back sucking off briefly the sauce on his thumb. “So on this couch?” He says, arms spreading on the cushions. 

“Soonyoung.”

He leans back up, a little closer to him. “Have you ever jerked off here?” 

Jihoon glares. “Why exactly are we talking about this?”

“Why are you pissed about it?” 

“I think you’re the one that needs to get laid.” 

“Trust me, I’m trying.” 

Soonyoung is leaning close now. Magnetic, like he said, he almost can’t control it the way he wants him so bad at this point – and Jihoon just stares back. Soonyoung doesn’t want to lose whatever trust they have if he’s the first one initiating anything even if Jihoon kind of gave him a green light. 

Jihoon doesn’t move though, at all, so Soonyoung keeps going, just a little, close enough where his nose is almost brushing the skin of his neck.

“I wonder what it’s like,” he mutters against his skin.

“What?” It’s just a breath. 

“To get Lee Jihoon to fuck you at his studio.”

“Can you stop pretending like I’m some sex freak here?” Jihoon holds on to his shoulder. “Mr. I’ll kiss anyone who throws themselves at me.”

Soonyoung narrows his eyes at him. “Is that what you think of me?”

Jihoon looks away. “I don’t know what I think of you.”

“Still?” 

Jihoon’s eyes come back and they show almost no reaction, staying like that for nearly a minute. “I saw you kiss over ten people on your birthday. Let’s talk about that one.” 

“I was just having fun.” 

“And you’re welcome to do so. So I can fuck whoever I want on this couch too, right?”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t.”

“So what good is it asking all these questions?” 

Soonyoung’s mouth hangs open. “You’re right, sorry.”

Jihoon grabs another chicken and Soonyoung watches him, his nose only a few inches away from his cheek.

“Stop staring at me.” Soonyoung looks away. 

“Sorry."

“Stop apologizing, too.”

Soonyoung looks back at him exasperated and Jihoon meets his eyes. 

“We have a show in three weeks.” 

“I know.” 

“And finals in two.” 

“Yeah.”

“Let’s pass without distractions. After that… Well after that we can talk about the couch.”

Soonyoung stares wordlessly as Jihoon goes back to eating. 

“You can’t just say things like that, Jihoon,” he whispers and Jihoon looks back at him with a small smile and Soonyoung drops his head onto his shoulder sighing loudly until Jihoon nudges him off. 

“You’re going to kill me."

“Don’t be dramatic.”

Soonyoung watches him up close and Jihoon ignores him until their eyes meet only briefly and Soonyoung leans his forehead against his. 

“Jihoon,” he mutters hand clasping the back of his neck. 

“Let me eat,” Jihoon says but his eyes are closed and Soonyoung in a moment of pure desire kisses him right below his eye and the shudder he feels go through Jihoon is worth it. 

“Just one. I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing already,” Jihoon mutters before grabbing another chicken and when Soonyoung leans away to stuff food in his mouth too, he feels happy. 

☆

They don’t discuss it again and there is exhaustion at the end of the semester, the lack of adrenaline. Soonyoung barely has any sleep trying to defeat the finals and recitals and really not much time to think about Jihoon either. Even his meeting with Heejin wasn’t about Jihoon for once – though he does mention him briefly without too many details. They focus more on how Soonyoung can mentally prepare for this final week without driving himself up the wall. It’s still hard, he still wants to do well so it’s easy to lose himself to little sleep and too long hours at the studio. 

Some of his recitals are the week before exams so by the time it's Seungcheol’s show he’s pretty much free of most responsibilities. It’s nice, because it’s like a breath of familiar fresh air all of it – the preparation, the backstage, the performance. Seungcheol hugging them together and muttering _ thank yous _ and _ break a leg _ and kissing their over-powdered cheeks.

They are quiet backstage and when Jihoon helps fix Soonyoung’s hair, his fingers linger a little and he tilts his head away when Soonyoung stares too hard. 

“After.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Soonyoung tells him right before their performance. “You’re so cryptic… Just tell me if you like me or not.” Jihoon only blushes and they go on the stage to perform with too many questions in the air and too much tension. Maybe that was a good thing though, Seungcheol’s choreography required some sort of tension and also passion, resolve. They’re not quite there yet, but maybe _ almost_. Either way they do amazingly and definitely impress everyone. 

“Incredible duo!”

“You two complement each other so well.” 

“I would love to keep seeing your incredible work.”

Too many kind words, both for them and Seungcheol for his mastery even though he’s in tears, saying he owes it all to his stars anyway (Jihoon nudges him for it but Soonyoung can’t stop smiling). When Seungcheol gets dragged away by some teachers, Soonyoung finally finds his sister in the crowd, and waves at her but stills when he sees his mom is with her. 

“You okay?” Jihoon asks as soon as Soonyoung’s smile fades away and Soonyoung can’t find it in himself to reply. 

“Soonyoung-ah,” his sister says politely, but Soonyoung can tell she’s already apologizing through her awkward smile. “You must be Jihoon!”

“Nice to meet you,” Jihoon bows. Soonyoung is still staring at her mother ignoring the small talk and when she smiles at him he feels his eyes burn. 

“Mom,” he says quietly.

“I wanted to see you… It’s been a year, Soonyoung.”

“I wish you’d told me,” is all he says. “Did you like it?”

“You’re always incredible on stage,” his mom smiles patting his cheek but Soonyoung doesn’t really react. It’s weird that when he hasn’t seen her in so long, now that she’s here he doesn't feel happy at all. There’s some small talk, their friends come to tell them they did a good job but Soonyoung is too distracted. 

“How long are you in the city?”

“Your sister is taking me home tonight."

“Do you want to get dinner?”

“I should get back.”

“Does dad know you’re here?”

She doesn’t reply and Soonyoung looks away. Jihoon is still nearby talking with his sister and somehow that alone makes his heart feel just a little lighter. 

“When are you coming home, Soonyoung-ah? We miss you.”

“I’m busy. I really want to finish this...” She looks like she’s about to say something and Soonyoung’s hand tightens. “Don’t you think I could do it?”

“I just want you to have a happy life.”

“I’m happiest when doing what I love. Shouldn’t that matter?” 

“Not only.” 

He looks at her for a long minute before meeting his sister’s eyes. He thinks she understands. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung calls. “Let's go.” Jihoon looks confused but he says a quick bye to his sister and comes near. 

“It was nice meeting you.”

“Please take care of my son,” his mom says in return and Soonyoung refuses to look at her. “Please make sure he calls more often, too.” Jihoon’s eyes dart between them but he nods nonetheless and follows Soonyoung backstage so they can grab their things and leave. 

“What happen–”

“I need a drink,” Soonyoung says without letting him finish and Jihoon can only rush after him.

☆

It’s two hours and three soju bottles later when Soonyoung collapses onto the grass and pulls Jihoon down with him. Jihoon drank as well but not nearly as much as Soonyoung and he props himself with a hand before he can fall completely on top of him. 

“Hello,” Soonyoung grins and when one of his hands settles onto Jihoon’s cheek, Jihoon rolls away. 

“So when are we talking about what happened.”

“It's nothing… Mom is nice.... But not nice enough to support me… Father is going to disown me… Following your dreams is overrated… Should’ve just auditioned to be an idol… What am I doing....” He’s muttering with his eyes closed and then feels Jihoon pull him up by his forearm. 

“Get up.” Soonyoung does with a groan and lets his head fall onto Jihoon’s shoulder. “You’re doing fine. Your mom doesn’t know how the dance world works, neither does your father. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible.” Soonyoung feels Jihoon’s fingers in his hair and he hums a little happily. “I sent my parents the video Wonwoo took tonight, they really like you.” 

“Thanks,” Soonyoung mutters. 

“They have a lot of connections, you know? Maybe your parents will be happy to hear that."

“Those are yours.” 

“Do I look like I’m interested in them?” Soonyoung leans away to look at him and Jihoon won’t meet his eyes when he’s that close. 

“You're so pretty."

Jihoon nudges him. “Shut up.” Soonyoung keeps staring and Jihoon sighs, turning his head away. “Let’s go home, Soonyoung. You’re drunk.” 

“Would you kiss me if I wasn’t drunk?” Jihoon’s cheeks redden but he doesn’t face him so Soonyoung leans closer, forehead against the top of his head and nose pressed right by his eye. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop–”

“I am, though. I wanted to tell you tonight.”

“Tell me what?”

Soonyoung looks away grinning as his head tilts. “Tease. You know what. But I’m drunk. I’ll tell you another time.”

Jihoon meets his eyes and then gets up abruptly, pulling Soonyoung with him. 

They walk to Soonyoung’s dorm because it’s closer and after Jihoon helps Soonyoung settle in his bed, Soonyoung pulls him down with him. 

“Stay, Jihoonie,” he whispers to him and Jihoon lays down by his side over the covers. 

“I’ll leave when you fall asleep,” he warns. 

“Or you can stay. I like it when you’re here. You say things that make me believe.”

“Believe in what?” 

“In dancing. In music. The future. In everything,” he looks at him. “In myself.” 

Jihoon’s eyes close and he lets out a small sigh, hand curling above Soonyoung’s chest. “Go to sleep.”

“Sing me a lullaby.” He doesn’t, but he drums over his ribcage and his brows are furrowed in the cutest way possible that Soonyoung can’t help himself from staring, and staring, and staring, until their eyes meet again and Jihoon lifts his hand to run his thumb along his eye lids so they close. 

“Sleep, Soonyoung.”

It’s a simple thing really. Him saying that. Them just laying side by side on his tiny dorm bed. So many things are simple with Jihoon even when most aren’t. Most are actually the hardest things Soonyoung has ever done but here, now, Jihoon pressed against the wall above the covers, fingers tracing along his skin down to his hand. Sure Soonyoung is a little drunk, but this is simple too – how much he likes this feeling, how much he likes Jihoon’s warm breath against his skin, how much he likes knowing that Jihoon’s pretty fingers are tangled with his own. It’s all so simple to him. 

Can love be simple?

He never thought about it that way. 

“Will you stay?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon hums noncommittally, lifting his hand to play with his fingers. “I feel that,” he says softly.

“Good. I was scared you can’t feel anything anymore.”

“I feel too much.” And it’s true. Especially right now. When his heart feels too big for its chest and he wishes he could just lean over and spell all over Jihoon’s lips just how much he _ feels_.

“Maybe that’s not so good either,” Jihoon whispers and Soonyoung doesn’t open his eyes even when he feels something soft touch his knuckles and hot breath before a whisper. “Sleep.” And Soonyoung does. 

☆

He wakes up the next day alone and with the burning desire to drink three bottles of water and find Jihoon and tell him he loves him. 

Right, love.

He lets a sigh escape his lungs before looking at the time. It’s Wednesday and he still has two more shows this week – one of them his and Chan’s– and also two more exams before it’s finally break. There’s a party on Friday too and then Saturday they’re all going to some villa on the coast Minghao’s family owns as some sort of last year celebration even though they have one more semester left. They decided a summer vacation would be nicer than winter though. 

He has a few texts, two from his mom telling him she loves and good luck with the rest of exams and another attempt at getting him to visit over break. There is also a question from his employer about vacation plans, Jihoon letting him know he went home and Chan asking why he’s late to their rehearsal.

“Shit,” Soonyoung rolls out of bed and hurries there and his next few days are just like that – rehearsals, too little free time, last minute studying and the adrenaline of the stage until it’s Friday and Soonyoung wakes up after at ten in the evening after a five-hour nap to dozens of texts asking where the hell is he. 

It’s a little unsettling, to lose track of his time again. He thought he’s doing better and he _ is _ but it’s not the best to feel so out of control because he’s exhausted again. At least it’s done now. Just this party and then the few days at the cottage and then the work camp. He answers the texts quickly, it’s mostly Seokmin asking if he’s coming and when Soonyoung sees that his chat from Jihoon has been inactive for several days he feels a little… Nervous. 

Didn’t Jihoon say they’ll wait till after finals?

It’s a scary thought, but an exhilarating one. He was so busy thinking about everything he has to do, Jihoon has slightly slipped his mind, or at least since that last evening they saw each other when he got way too drunk because of unsolved parental issues. 

God, he sounds like Heejin’s notes probably. 

Soonyoung gets ready quickly, nice jeans that make his ass look good and a fitted shirt, some nice cologne and the remnants of the eyeshadow he had for his show earlier. He brushes his teeth too, for good measure and then he’s out, hurrying over to Seokmin’s place in the light July drizzle. 

By the time he arrives it’s nearing eleven and the party is way larger than what he expected it to be. 

“Soonyoung!” Seokmin notices him first again and he stinks too strongly of beer when he hugs him. “Where were you?!”

“I fell asleep,” he says awkwardly. He’s never sure how to behave when he’s the only one sober. It’s a good thing drunk Seokmin has zero patience because he’s quickly moving on to his next target and Soonyoung is left alone amongst drunk people he barely knows but it doesn’t really bother him when he’s focused on finding a certain someone anyway. 

He finds Wonwoo and Jun first, talking to Minghao. Then Mingyu and Jeonghan in a corner with some other people he never met. Joshua is at the bar with the drinks where he gets himself a simple coke, and finally Cheol in the corner talking to Jihoon.

It’s an inexplicable feeling. An eager one. He feels his whole body thrumming with excitement as he comes up to them, coke nearly spilling all over his hand from everyone pushing. 

“Hi!” He says happy and they talk for a bit, mostly just Soonyoung and Cheol, but Soonyoung’s eyes keep coming back to Jihoon anyway throughout the conversation. 

“So why were you so late?” Cheol asks.

“I fell asleep!"

“Did your exams go well?”

“Ahh, yeah!” Soonyoung feels so happy, he doesn’t know why. Jihoon looks at him then and Soonyoung feels like he’s smiling just for him. At least he hopes Jihoon will accept it as that. “I was a bit tired, but I’m just happy it’s done now!”

“Only one semester left,” Seungcheol smiles. 

“Actually it’s two more for me,” Soonyoung takes a sip and notices that Jihoon’s eyes linger on the cup. “Do you want some? It’s just coke.” Jihoon shakes his head but Soonyoung didn’t really mean for him to take any. _ I’m sober tonight,_ that’s what he meant. By the way Jihoon’s ears are pretty pink he thinks he might have gotten the message. 

“Are we going to talk?” He asks Jihoon, when Cheol gets distracted by some new people joining and Jihoon is about to reply when Soonyoung looks up and realizes who the newcomers are. 

Sooyoung smiles back at him. It’s probably hilarious how Soonyoung’s expression turned immediately into stone. He actually feels his whole face grow impassive. Maybe it’s a bit rude, too. Soonyoung doesn’t really care. There’s a gross jealousy brewing in his chest and when she looks over at Jihoon to say hi, it turns into fear.

Seungcheol doesn’t seem to notice any hostility, in fact he throws his arm happily around the other girl who Sooyoung had come over with and Soonyoung vaguely remembers something about Seungcheol dating someone new. He just didn’t realize she would be someone who also knows Sooyoung. 

The cup in his hand feels too cold suddenly and way not strong enough. He can’t stop staring at this poor girl either, it’s almost creepy and he knows it’s impolite but _ damn it_. Out of all days. Like he needs another reminder in his face how there’s this beautiful girl and nothing about her is weird the way it is about Soonyoung. 

Jeonghan and Mingyu join, then Wonwoo and he seems to realize right away what’s happening but by then Soonyoung is so lost in his head and paranoid about leaving Jihoon’s side he doesn’t meet his best friend’s eyes at all. He only reacts when Jihoon suddenly pushes off the wall and he grabs his forearm on autopilot. 

Jihoon glares at him. “Soonyoung.” Soonyoung lets go, surprising himself. 

“Sorry.”

Jihoon gives him a strange look and leaves and when Soonyoung’s eyes meet Sooyoung’s she’s smiling at him as she comes over. 

“You’re Soonyoung then."

“Yeah.” 

“I’m Sooyoung.”

“I know.”

She tilts her head to look at him, still smiling. It’s uncomfortable and she’s way too pretty, full lips, sweet eyes, and all Soonyoung can think about when he looks at her is that these are all things Jihoon wanted… Fuck. He wants her out of his face. He really didn’t want these reminders. Not today.

He gets up quickly himself and walks away, bumping into Jihoon in the crowd. 

“Are you following me?” 

“What?” 

“You do know Sooyoung and I aren’t together anymore.” 

“I know!”

“So calm down.” Soonyoung stares at him, speechless. Jihoon runs a hand through his hair. “I just mean…” Soonyoung doesn’t hear it because Seokmin comes back and then it’s bodies and music and Soonyoung even though completely sober, losing Jihoon in the crowd. 

“Soonyoung!” It’s Wonwoo now and Soonyoung looks at him hopelessly. “Are you okay?”

“Sooyoung is here.” 

Wonwoo nods, looking wary. “Her and Jihoon aren’t together anymore.”

“I know, but–” Soonyoung stops himself. How the hell does he even explain this? He waited and waited and waited just to have Sooyoung show up when he wanted to finally take this step. It’s not like he’s proud of this jealousy, but he doesn’t know where he stands with Jihoon even after all this time. It’s driving him insane. Now he can’t even fucking find him in the crowd and the images that plague his imagination are terrifying him.

“Sooyoung’s here because her friend is dating Seungcheol, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t spoken to Jihoon in months,” Wonwoo adds and Soonyoung nods, not really paying attention. He finally found them and the only thing he can focus on is Sooyoung whispering something in Jihoon’s ear then smiling and Soonyoung isn’t thinking at all when he starts moving towards them. By the time he gets to the other side of the living room, they’re gone and Soonyoung nearly punches the wall. 

“Soonyoung,” he feels Wonwoo take his arm and lead him to the corridor. “Soonyoung you need to breathe.”

And he’s trying. He’s really trying. He remembers reading something about deep breaths and he tries it, focusing hard on Wonwoo’s fingers curling around his arm but it’s hard when his mind is driving him crazy with everything he doesn’t want to think about. It’s like February all over again – the cold, the stress, the fear. What the hell.

“Why do I feel like this?” He whispers. “I like him so much Wonwoo, I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Wonwoo holds him and they sit down by the wall and Wonwoo breathes with him, away from the noise and endlessly patient. Soonyoung wants to cry thinking how they’re surrounded by rooms and one of them probably has Jihoon and Sooyoung in it and god… He can’t stand it… He can’t….

He attempts to get up. “I need to leave.”

“So let’s go.” 

They’re about to go when the door in front of them opens and it’s like a punch in the face when Soonyoung sees it’s Jihoon with his top buttons undone and Sooyoung behind him. 

If he was jealous before, now he’s just angry.

He’s out of that hallway in a matter of seconds, rushing down the stairs, not even bothering to take the elevator before running out outside into the pouring rain. He doesn’t even care about getting wet. As long as he gets out of there. As long as he never–

“Soonyoung!” It’s Jihoon instead of Wonwoo this time, but Soonyoung refuses to turn around. “Soonyoung!” He’s closer now and suddenly he’s grabbing his forearm. “Where the hell are you going?” 

“Home.” 

“Soonyoung…” Soonyoung starts leaving but Jihoon holds on tighter. “Soonyoung, come on, talk to me.” 

“Oh, so _ now _ we’re talking?!”

“Sooyoung and I aren’t together anymore.” 

“You keep saying that.”

“And even if we were… It’s none of your business. You can’t just spy on me.” 

Soonyoung turns around fully now. “Spying? I wasn’t fucking spying!” 

“Then what the hell is going on?” 

“You told me to wait and then you–“

“We were just talking, Soonyoung.”

“Wow, thanks for the reassurance!”

“I don't get–“

“Do I need to spell out everything for you? I fucking _ like _ you Jihoon. What don’t you fucking understand?”

“Soonyoung–”

“What, Jihoon?! What else do you want me to say about this?! Is it really not obvious? Could you really not tell? Really? Even when you take care of me, when you practice with me, when you see me the night you break up with your girlfriend or not girlfriend, when you almost kiss me, several times! And all the while I have to sit here and fucking act like a fool all the goddamn time, while you keep texting to ask me if I’ve fucking eaten! If I’ve slept! What the hell do _ you _ see me as? You tell me to wait. To pass my exams. Then you don’t fucking talk to me and lock yourself in with your ex girlfriend or not goddamn fucking ex girlfriend in some bedroom. Why aren’t you considering _ anything!” _ Water spills from his lips and spits as he talks and Jihoon keeps staring, silent. “How am I supposed to act around you when you keep going back and forth, oh my god, you took me to my fucking therapist, Jihoon! I sit in there talking about _ you _ while you sit waiting for me across the street, who is more pathetic? Tell me!” 

Jihoon doesn’t say anything.

“I like you, Jihoon,” his voice is softer. He feels like he’s praying, shooting tiny confessions into the world in this pouring rain. “I like you so much it’s like a joke at this point how much I just can’t stop thinking about you for _ years _ and yet you… You… You will almost kiss me you will dance with me you will take care of me you will lead and lead and lead me on and when I panic about your ex showing up at a party you tell me it’s none of my business. Well, yeah! Maybe it isn’t! But what about all those other times! I have to watch you be with her and then watch you pretend to fucking give a shit about how I feel! Is it fun to string me along, Jihoon? Let’s talk about that one!” 

Jihoon stares speechless and Soonyoung runs a hand through his wet face. 

“Just leave me alone,” his voice feels raw. “Heejin was right, I shouldn’t be around you anymore.”

“She said that?” It’s the first thing he says. 

“Somewhat.” 

“Why?” 

“Because she thinks you’re bad for me. You give me too much hope and then I–” The breath he takes is deep and shattering and his throat hurts. He wonders if he’s crying. “I’m going to go…” He adds when Jihoon stays quiet again. 

“Soonyoung.” 

“What?” 

“You like me.” 

“Yeah.”

“If I like you back? What would Heejin say about that?” 

Soonyoung feels his heart in his throat. 

“Want to know what Sooyoung told me when she broke up with me? She said she’s missing an ’n’.” 

Soonyoung needs a second to catch up with the joke before he lets out a sharp laugh of surprise and then Jihoon is kissing him, there in the pouring rain with their faces wetter than their mouths and it takes Soonyoung another moment of staring at Jihoon’s closed eyes to realize what the hell is finally happening. 

The slow response almost has Jihoon leaving but Soonyoung takes his face, hands cradling his warm cheeks and he kisses him back with everything he’s got... Oh, it feels good, he thinks sighing when they come up for breath before he presses his nose to Jihoon’s cheek pulling him close. 

He doesn’t know how long he holds him like that, Jihoon’s shaky breath the only heat he feels in this rain and then Jihoon is the one peppering kisses along his jaw.

“We’re going to get sick.”

“Okay.”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon nudges him softly and Soonyoung pulls away, watching him close, his darkened cheeks, his already swollen lips slightly reddened at the edges. “Soonyoung,” Jihoon says again and Soonyoung steps away slowly and feels Jihoon’s hand slip into his as he starts making their way towards his place hurriedly. They go through the park and when Soonyoung spots a sunshade cover he stops and tugs them under it.

“We have to-“

Soonyoung kisses him before Jihoon can convince him to keep walking and after a small gasp of surprise Jihoon complies, kissing him back, enthusiastically and so so well.

Soonyoung lets his tongue brush against Jihoon’s lower lip and Jihoon lets him in, willingly, deliciously. Soonyoung never felt a kiss like this before, everywhere in his body he _ feels _ it - the scorching hot mouth, Jihoon’s fingers pressing into his forearm, other hand hotly clasping his neck, his own groin pulsing with long-awaited want and his heart.... He will never be able to explain this feeling. Swelling and shrinking and _ alive_.

“I’ve wanted...” he whispers just above the tapering rain, kissing the corner of Jihoon’s mouth before he moves up. “This...” a kiss on his cheek. “For so long...” his other cheek. “Fuck,” he breathes against his warm mouths and kisses him again and Jihoon pulls him in tighter, whatever he won’t say conveyed with the way his mouth is as hungry as Soonyoung’s, kissing him back.

Soonyoung is aware that they’re soaked, that their skin is shriveling below their clothes. He is aware that not even his own hot mouth can warm Jihoon up and when Jihoon accidentally bites Soonyoung’s lip, Soonyoung realizes he’s shivering and pulls away.

“Sorry,” Jihoon whispers, thumb soothing the bite and then a kiss to mend it. “Let’s go home.”

“Okay.” Jihoon smiles when Soonyoung takes his hand and on the way home, Soonyoung’s bottom lip stays between his teeth sucking lightly on the bite. He thinks nobody in the world has the right to be this happy. 

☆

Seungcheol isn’t back yet and Jihoon quickly gets extra clothes and towels for them before telling Soonyoung to shower.

“You go first,” Soonyoung insists.

“No-“

“You’re the one shivering,” he pauses then smiles. “We can go together.”

“Don’t rush things,” Jihoon warns but it’s soft. “We’ll have time for all kinds of things later,” he promises right by his lips and seals with a kiss. “I’ll go first then?” 

When Soonyoung is left alone the sigh he lets out is shaky. Happy. Nervous. Reflective.

Recap.

What the hell just happened?

The party. Sooyoung. Jealousy. Rain. So much rain. Yelling and kissing... So much kissing.

Soonyoung spots his reflection in a mirror across the room and stares, soaked through. 

“Is this real?” He whispers to nobody but himself. He remembers the first dream he ever had with Jihoon - the same brutal rain and then the torturing warmth of his mouth. He swallows shakily. 

When the bathroom door opens, it’s Jihoon in dry clothes and Soonyoung is severely unaware how long he’s been standing there.

“Are you insane? You’re going to get sick,” Jihoon rushes towards him and tries to pull his shirt off with burning fingers. Soonyoung shivers. “You’re freezing, Soonyoung,” Jihoon mutters pulling him towards the warm bathroom. “Take your clothes off,” Soonyoung nods but he does it so slowly Jihoon lets out a frustrated sigh and starts undoing his pants for him, pulling them down and then his socks and doesn’t touch his underwear.

“Don’t say anything,” he warns when he sees the smile on Soonyoung’s lips before even he himself feels it and when Soonyoung looks at himself in the foggy mirror his lips are blue. “Get in.”

“In my underwear?”

Jihoon’s flush is spectacular and Soonyoung can’t help but take his face into his hands and kiss him, smiling when Jihoon doesn’t refuse.

“Get warm with me?” Soonyoung asks.

“I’m already warm.”

Soonyoung kisses him again, catching onto his top lip and pulls away watching Jihoon slowly open his eyes.

“Go shower already,” Jihoon says with a soft nudge. “Kissing your cold lips is disgusting.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung’s voice feels soft on his tongue and when Jihoon meets his eyes, the gaze is familiar - sharp, serious, shy. The prettiest eyes in the world. 

“Go.”

“Okay,” he says but doesn’t move and neither does Jihoon, still watching back. It’s like that for a whole minute until Jihoon breaks and takes Soonyoung’s forearms leading him backwards towards the shower, rolling up his sleeve to turn on the hot water and tugs the curtain closed, leaving Soonyoung inside. 

“But–“ 

“I brought you dry underwear,” Jihoon replies. Soonyoung hears shuffling and when Jihoon is about to leave he peaks through the curtain. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to join?” 

Jihoon glares at him and Soonyoung smiles. 

_ What a prude… _Soonyoung thinks delightedly, showering quickly, the hot stream pleasant on his cold skin and when he takes off his underwear, he’s glad that his dick hasn’t shriveled up. Maybe he’ll need it tonight. The thought alone gets him immediately half hard and the groan that slips out is too loud. He’s not even sure if Jihoon has left the bathroom yet which only gets him harder. 

Well fuck. He’s horny as hell isn’t he?

He dries himself off, putting on the pajamas he wears when he sleeps over and then takes his spare toothbrush and brushes his teeth long enough for his dick to calm down. 

Out in the living room, Jihoon is on his phone waiting for him and when their eyes meet there’s an awkward moment where neither of them really know how to move forward.

Soonyoung comes up to him slowly and Jihoon stays leaning on the arm of the couch even as Soonyoung stands in front of him. He takes his face in his hands, carefully and Jihoon’s eyes go half-mast. Waiting. 

“Can I…?” Soonyoung asks because he’s still unsure. Because he _ wants_, so much. Too much maybe. He’s not sure if Jihoon is really ready for that.

Jihoon is the one who tilts his chin up and meets Soonyoung’s lips in a small kiss and it’s different again – slower. Tentative. Shallow breathing across each other’s lips. How many different kisses will Soonyoung have with Jihoon? He can’t believe his stupid luck. It has to be luck… Right?

He holds Jihoon’s face, one hand slipping to his neck as he takes another step closer and Jihoon’s hands are on his hips, twisting the fabric of his shirt there. When Soonyoung’s head tilts their kiss deepens and Jihoon keeps up with it, tongue entering Soonyoung’s mouth first and then sucking on the tip of Soonyoung’s. He smiles slightly when Soonyoung shudders at it and Soonyoung pulls away, forehead resting on his. 

“I can’t believe this…” 

“You think you’re dreaming again?” Jihoon’s pretty fingers run along his skin. “Does it feel like you’re dreaming?” 

“It feels too good to be real,” Soonyoung whispers and Jihoon kisses him again and again and then the tip of his chin, along his neck, hands slipping under his shirt as he teases his collarbone with his teeth. 

It’s almost cruel how amazing it feels, Soonyoung wants to pull him closer but he doesn’t know what Jihoon will think about a hard-on pressing against his stomach. 

When Jihoon kisses him again, Soonyoung kisses back. 

“Is it weird?” Soonyoung asks against his lips. 

Jihoon’s hands on his waist tighten. “Shut up…”

“Well is it?” 

“No,” Jihoon’s eyes open, looking back at him. “It’s different.”

“How?”

“It’s good…” 

“Better?” 

Jihoon pushes him away slightly but doesn’t let go. 

“Is it?” Soonyoung grins. 

“It’s great.”

“You’re great,” Soonyoung tells him and Jihoon kisses him again just to shut him up and Soonyoung can’t stop smiling through it all until Jihoon is pulling them to his bedroom and Soonyoung has to separate with a small gasp because his fantasies work quicker than reality. 

In the bedroom Jihoon takes his hands and pulls him down onto the mattress, pushing softly to hover above, continuing to kiss everywhere. 

“Move up,” Jihoon whispers and Soonyoung somehow finds it in himself to crawl up towards the pillows and Jihoon follows, hand slipping easily under his shirt. Soonyoung shivers, knee going up because his hardness is too obvious in his sweatpants laying down. Jihoon doesn’t notice it, or maybe he ignores it, or maybe he’s teasing him with the way his mouth won’t let go of him and fingers slip up his chest. 

When they brush around his nipple, Soonyoung lets a moan slip out and he can’t stop his hips from twitching upwards. He gets hard so fast he knows he should’ve just jerked off into the drain earlier.

“Fuck,” he mutters and when Jihoon takes the nipple between his fingers, Soonyoung literally _ whines_. “Jihoon… Please…” 

“What is it?” Jihoon whispers in his mouth. 

“I’ve wanted this for too long,” Soonyoung mutters. “I don’t… I don’t think you understand…” 

Jihoon’s hand pulls away. “Well, explain it to me.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t open his eyes. He can’t, but he knows Jihoon is watching him, he can feel his breath on his cheek. Patient. 

“What is there to explain? I’ve had a crush on you for two and a half years. If you keep touching me, I’ll spill like a fountain.” 

Jihoon doesn’t say anything so he opens his eyes to find Jihoon watching him with the biggest smile.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Soonyoung groans. “I didn’t have time to go around fucking people…” 

“Have you ever…?” 

Soonyoung lays a hand over his eyes. “Not since first year.”

“But you said you dated someone–” 

“I was in high school. We just made out a couple of times, that’s it.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yep.” 

“Well I haven’t until this year.” 

“Thanks, I know.” 

“How many people?” 

“Girlfriend in high school and then someone in first year I don’t even remember who…” 

“What about that girl you threw up on?” 

Soonyoung groans again looking at Jihoon through his fingers. “Do we need to mention that?” Jihoon only smiles. “She just gave me head… I’ve had hook ups. Just never sex.” 

“Why not?” 

Soonyoung sighs letting his hand slip off his face. “I don’t know. Is it cheesy if I say they weren’t you?” 

Jihoon’s smile is soft. “A little.” 

“End of second year… I had a dream about you. Do you remember when you found me in the shower?” 

“Maybe,” Jihoon whispers, unsure. 

“I had a dream we were running in the rain and then you got in the shower with me and… And then we were dancing… I had a lot of those dancing dreams. Always with you and at first you wore a mask but then when I realized… Well you never wore a mask since. You know how hard last year was? I thought I’d die of blue balls, you’re such a massive tease without even realizing…” He’s ranting and Jihoon doesn’t look away from him the whole time. Soonyoung’s eyes close again. “I went on dates but there is nobody I want other than you, Jihoon… I thought I’m going to go insane.” 

“What if I didn’t like you back?” 

“I almost didn’t care… Today when I saw Sooyoung… I felt so jealous. I felt so horrible. Both because of you and myself. I hated what you were doing to me.” 

Jihoon doesn’t say anything and when Soonyoung looks at him again, Jihoon isn’t really looking at him anymore. Distracted. Then he lays down with a loud sigh right by his shoulder. 

“I never felt anything for Sooyoung, you know? It’s kind of shitty really. I was using her for some sort of confidence boost.” 

“What confidence boost? 

“When you asked to kiss me New Years–”

Soonyoung looks away. “Don’t remind me.” 

“No, Soonyoung listen,” Jihoon says, leaning up again and gently tilting Soonyoung’s head towards him with the tip of his fingers. “I was scared. I felt like a coward… I really wanted it. Ever since you asked me last year who I want to kiss the answer was always you.”

“So why–“ 

“I don’t know. I don’t… I knew I was wrong as soon as I left you and then I came out to look for you again... I was going to tell you. I was going to say it’s fine, if we kiss, I wanted to, but you were kissing someone else so I just left.” 

Soonyoung watches him. Somehow he never expected this. He barely remembers that night after Jihoon left him. He only remembers shame and strange heartbreak and a random girl grabbing him at countdown. He didn’t care who as long as he could get Jihoon out of his head. 

“I wasn’t even mad at you,” Jihoon continues. “I was so mad at myself, for being a coward. For letting you down. I wanted to be brave, so I thought if I...” His forehead falls onto the pillow. “This is stupid. Now that I think about it, it’s all so stupid.”

Soonyoung leans up onto his forearms and shakes him. “Jihoon?”

“Hmmm?”

“Look at me.”

Jihoon tilts his head, one eye peeking at him.

“What were you afraid of?”

“Did Heejin tell you to ask me that?”

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything and Jihoon sits up.

“Jesus.”

Soonyoung sits up quickly too. “No, no not like that. But she said that I shouldn’t blame myself if you’re the one who can’t come to terms with things.”

“She doesn’t know me.”

“She knows we never talk about anything. That we both refuse to.”

“That’s not true!”

“Jihoon... We never even discussed why you hated me.”

“We did!”

“For ten minutes while we were drunk and all I could think about was kissing you!”

“So let’s talk about it! What do you want to hear? That I couldn’t stand you? That I hated seeing you around my friends? That I regretted bringing you to our school? That I was jealous and bitter because all I ever saw in you was everything I’m not!”

He’s breathing heavily and they’re both aware he said too much.

“What do you mean you brought me to our school?”

Jihoon runs a hand through his face and his cheeks are blotchy red. When he speaks he doesn’t meet his eyes.

“I saw you dancing in the park first year and told Lia to scout you.”

“Why?” Soonyoung whispers. He doesn’t know where his voice went.

“Why do you think?” Jihoon glares at him. “Because you were amazing, Soonyoung. You always have been. What else is there to say...”

Soonyoung watches him for a long time while Jihoon folds his legs staring at the space between them as if holding himself back from... Soonyoung doesn’t know what.

“Jihoon-“

“Don’t compliment me. Don’t say I’m also amazing.”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Soonyoung moves closer, fingers slipping between Jihoon’s. “Not that I don’t believe that,” he adds with a small smile and Jihoon is too preciously red for words. “Thank you, Jihoon. You’ve changed my life in so many ways... Thank you.”

Jihoon still doesn’t meet his eyes and his lower lip tenses as he clasps Soonyoung’s hand so tight.

He loves him... Soonyoung thinks. It’s such a true realization that when Jihoon’s eyes finally meet his, he smiles and the laugh that spills out of his mouth when Jihoon gently pushes his head away is freeing. 

“I’m the one who’s sorry, you know?” Jihoon says after a small pause. 

“It’s okay.” 

“All the things you said before, they’re true.”

“Jihoon–” 

“I will try to be better. I just want you to know that.” 

Soonyoung looks at him, their hands clasped warmly together. “Okay.” When Jihoon looks at him again, he leans in to kiss him and it’s soft kisses, on his lips and nose and cheek and a few warmer ones on his neck. But it’s soft and it’s wonderful and they don’t stop until they fall asleep in each other’s arms. 

  
  
  
☆ ☆ ☆  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fjsldkfjsldkfjsldkfjsldkfj
> 
> i love this chapter i thought a lot abt it so i hope it was enjoyable ahhhhh honestly... next chapter will probably still be last and in jihoon pov. i always had the plan to have ch5 be the year after graduation but with the way things are going i think next chapter might be enough;;; i'm quite happy w that tbh so i hope u guys r too;-;
> 
> as always u can hmu on my [twit](https://twitter.com/aquariusblues_) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/aquariusblues)
> 
> thank u always for kind words and comments and kuddoes!! i hope everyone is safe and happy <3


	5. Year Four: Semester Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please forgive me for any mistakes that slipped past me it's nearly four am)
> 
> this is over 30k so buckle up and please enjoy<3

Jihoon wakes up early next morning with Soonyoung sleeping next to him a polite distance away. They’re facing each other and it’s a little like the few times Soonyoung fell asleep on his bed last year, but this time their fingers are loosely stringed together and if Jihoon leans forward to press his lips against his cheek it won’t be weird.

Right? 

Jihoon sighs and rolls onto his back to get his phone from the bedside table and scrolls through their group chat. It’s a little after eight and he probably would’ve slept longer if he had remembered to close the blinds last night but they all planned to leave by ten so this is okay too. Minghao and Mingyu are already awake, talking, and when Cheol writes something Jihoon feels his chest tighten, not quite ready for the confrontation of why Soonyoung slept over.

Nobody really knows about Jihoon’s feelings. To be honest, not even Jihoon quite understood his feelings until Sooyoung started asking way too many questions that Jihoon did not know how to answer. 

“Are you going to ask me out on a proper date sometime or…”

The question came up early April sometime after Mingyu’s birthday. It wasn’t the first time Sooyoung brought it up either. Right when the semester started, Sooyoung started realizing that Jihoon is stretching this too long and although Jihoon had no true desire to be romantic with her but he felt bad. So he tried a little, because something about Jeonghan teasing him and Soonyoung barely looking at him all of Mingyu’s birthday party made him feel unsettled. 

They went only on a few dates before Seungcheol’s rehearsals became much more intriguing and he started pushing her away again. After that, it didn’t take long for Sooyoung to connect the dots especially when Seungcheol was dating her best friend. 

“Jihoon.” It was mid-April by then. Jihoon had stopped by his apartment to grab some notes and she was waiting for him on their couch, Cheol must have let her in before leaving to class. “You weren’t answering your phone.”

“I was busy.” 

“Right,” she looked at him for a long time then got up and crossed her arms. “Is this going anywhere?”

“What?”

“Are you dating me because you feel bad for me or because you want to?” Jihoon didn’t know how to answer that without hurting her feelings or lying so he stayed quiet. “I like you, Jihoon. I don’t know why considering you’re a horrible boyfriend. But I like you. And it kind of sucks that you clearly don’t like me back. So let’s stop this, okay?”

Jihoon just stared at her for a few moments until her brow rose. “Am I really that bad?” He asked finally.

She had actually laughed at that. “You’re not horrible. You’re just not interested,” she took a few steps closer, settling her bag on her shoulder and tapped his chest. “I was hoping I could get to you because you’re quite the catch,” she smiled. “But I guess that’s impossible.”

“Impossible,” he repeated dumbly. “I’m not that incapable of feelings.”

Her head tilted. “I didn’t say that. But you’ve been happier since you started those rehearsals with Seungcheol so I was curious as to why… Turns out Soonyoung is in that show.” Jihoon swallowed but tried to stay impassive. “That’s the guy you did your duet with right? The one who had that mental breakdown at the end of the semester.”

Jihoon’s jaw tensed. “Don’t talk about him like that.”

“Right,” she smiled. “Sorry, I was just checking something. I guess I really am missing an ‘n’ for you to want me back,” she looked at him like that was the most hilarious joke she’s ever said but Jihoon truly had no idea how to react. “Figure things out, Jihoon. You have my number if you ever want to, I don’t know? Talk. I don’t want us to end this with any hard feelings, I kind of always felt like I would never interest you like that.” 

“Always?” 

“Well, more often than not,” she was still smiling and Jihoon thought not for the first time that it was kind of weird that her and Soonyoung had nearly the same way of smiling at everything, even when they’re clearly unhappy. 

“I’m sorry,” he told her and meant it. When she patted him on the shoulder before leaving, he thought she might have somewhat accepted that. 

Jihoon kept standing there for a while after, until his legs carried him to Soonyoung’s studio anyway. Almost stupidly. He didn’t even know what he was doing until he saw Soonyoung and whatever heavy feeling in his chest bothered him subsided a bit. It was comfortable, Soonyoung was awkward but he was kind, keeping his distance, and Jihoon was a little too lost in his head to follow. How are even their lips so similar? Plump and pretty and Jihoon probably should have looked away. 

“Will you dance with me again?” Soonyoung asked after practice and Jihoon had shrugged.

“I’ll see.” Soonyoung’s smile even then told him that that was enough.

They saw each other more from then on, mostly at Seungcheol’s practices but Jihoon really tried to see him more, almost to confirm something for himself. He offered to join Soonyoung to therapy as he was the one who had asked Wonwoo to go with him in the first place, he invited him to his studio, out for dinner, and when Soonyoung told Jihoon he’s on a date the feeling settled deep in his heart. Jealousy. _ Interesting_, he had thought. At least this time he didn’t want to push Soonyoung away because of it.

It’s been so long since New Years that Jihoon felt like testing waters – to see if Soonyoung might have given up on him. Soonyoung is free-spirited, at least he seems that way. To him it’s no problem to kiss someone else even if he was just rejected, it’s no problem to go on some dates and experience different people but for Jihoon… Well it’s just not as simple. The fact that he and Sooyoung lasted so long surprised him more than it did anyone else. Perhaps the lack of feelings was a benefit, when he thought about Soonyoung… He never quite understood how he made him feel. It was like he couldn’t contain everything he felt, it was need but it was fear and it was so deeply buried that he wasn’t sure how to dig it out so it remains functional and not broken apart from the effort.

So he tried. He really did. He attended Soonyoung’s practices with Chan and he texted him more often than not and when Soonyoung’s birthday was planned for the gay bar he almost panicked because it felt like a step in whatever conformation he was looking for. 

Except Soonyoung thought Jihoon was finding him weird again. And then he sat there all night by Wonwoo’s side watching Soonyoung make out with different men. It was almost ridiculously funny yet embarrassing but also kind of stupidly hot.

_ You know when I asked to kiss you New Years, I meant it_, isn’t that what Soonyoung had told him? So maybe Jihoon could have gotten off that damn couch and kissed him instead of watching Soonyoung grind and hook up with other men and _ fuck _ he looked like a good kisser, it’s almost insane how much it affected Jihoon just sitting there watching and wishing and _ wishing _ he was more brave. 

When Soonyoung told him he wanted to kiss him later… When Soonyoung told him he remembered saying that even after the insane amount of alcohol he consumed… Well it excited Jihoon. It scared him. But it also felt like a promise. Like maybe there was something there that was worth hoping for, worth accepting. 

So he waited a little more, and told Soonyoung they should wait. Just to clear their heads, both for himself and Soonyoung and for them to perform Seungcheol’s show as wonderfully as they did but then Soonyoung’s mom showed up and Jihoon realized he doesn’t really know much about Soonyoung at all.

Jihoon: _ he’s drunk again _

Sooyoung: _ like his bday? _

Jihoon: _ not as bad _

They walked at the park after Seungcheol’s show and Soonyoung was a bit ahead looking off to the river and Jihoon had texted Sooyoung because they do that now. Somehow from being his first proper hook up, to fuck buddy, to somewhat girlfriend, she became his relationship guru too. Jihoon texted her for the first time when Jihoon had accidentally made Soonyoung think he finds him weird because clearly he's horrible at any of this emotional crap.

Sooyoung: _ just be there for him buddy :( _

After that things went by way too fast – the rest of the week and the party. That fucking party...

Jihoon puts his phone away and stares at the ceiling while Soonyoung grunts in his sleep and tightens his hold on Jihoon’s fingers. Jihoon’s chest aches because fucking hell… He’s stupidly happy even if everything was kind of a mess getting here.

He knew Sooyoung was showing up, but he didn’t realize how much Soonyoung would be affected by it. Hasn’t it been long enough? Hasn’t Jihoon made it clear to him that he will say _ yes _ . He just didn’t realize how much Soonyoung was as afraid to make the first step after Jihoon never made it clear that he might want him back. 

“Soonyoung is just too adorable,” Sooyoung whispered in his ear and then said they should try something and pulled him into one of the rooms.

“Sooyoung,” Jihoon had warned and she only smiled.

“Come on, it will rile him up a bit,” she undid his first few buttons and ruffled his hair but Jihoon’s jerked his head away. “I’m kind of tired of hearing about this little dance, I think you are too. Who is going to confess first, I wonder…” Jihoon took a step back and looked at himself in the mirror and frowned. “He’s really cute by the way, but I think he hates me,” her head tilts behind him. “Didn’t you tell him we are friends now?”

“We don’t really talk about you.”

She pouted. “Lame.”

Jihoon felt nervous but excited but stupid. Especially when he walked out of that room and saw Soonyoung, flushed and angry on the other side.

But it’s over now, he thinks, looking over at Soonyoung. His mouth is slightly apart and he’s breathing heavily as he sleeps and Jihoon can’t help but feel unaccustomed to his urge to run his free hand along his curved cheek or the desire for Soonyoung to finally wake up and reach out to him.

Soonyoung stirs as if hearing his thoughts and Jihoon swallows holding his breath. Should he pretend he’s sleeping? Should he kiss him good morning? What does someone do in this situation? What would Soonyoung want him to do? What does _ Jihoon _ want to do?

“Good morning.” Jihoon meets his eyes and it’s not the first time he’s so lost in his head he didn’t realize Soonyoung is already a few steps ahead of him. 

“Hi,” he says quietly. “Did you sleep well?”

“Mmhm…” Soonyoung watches their fingers tangled together and Jihoon doesn’t blame him, tightening his hold as if to say, _ It’s okay, I want this_.

“Any dreams about me this time?” He jokes and Soonyoung meets his eyes sharply but Jihoon keeps smiling. “We are leaving soon.”

“I need to get my stuff.”

Jihoon nods and Soonyoung sits rubbing his eyes with his free hand and Jihoon follows up. He feels quiet. Happy. He doesn’t want to let go.

“You good?”

Jihoon meets his eyes and he wants to kiss him so bad but his mouth feels foul. So he nods once more instead and lets Soonyoung go to the bathroom, watching as he quickly scans the living room, finds it empty, smiles sheepishly at Jihoon and leaves. As soon as he is gone Jihoon gets up to rummage through his backpack in search of an old pack of gum he’s sure is there. 

“Thank god,” he mutters and chews on a stick for a few seconds, spitting it out just as he hears the bathroom door open again. He can feel his face warm up. He’s like a teenage boy too careful with his first crush but maybe that’s what this is. He hasn’t really been someone to like anyone this much… He doesn’t know what he’s doing outside of the fact that he is very embarrassed of his morning breath. 

Soonyoung comes back to get his phone and keys from the bedside table and when he turns around Jihoon is already there pulling him down by his neck and kissing him open-mouthed and urgent and when he leans away after a few seconds Soonyoung’s cheeks are dusted red, eyes way too wide.

“I…”

“I should’ve asked, sorry,” Jihoon rambles lightly. “Was that not good?”

Soonyoung chokes on an answer. “I just… I didn’t realize. I wasn’t ready. Holy shit,” he says, reaching to kiss him again. Jihoon takes half a step back in surprise but smiles when Soonyoung chases his lips anyway, hands cupping his cheeks when their mouths meet. “Okay,” Soonyoung breathes between kisses. “I should go get my things.”

“Okay,” Jihoon sighs back but doesn’t let go, kissing him continuously, hands slipping down to his waist until Soonyoung separates with a small gasp, whining.

“Jihoon… I can’t right now. I have to go, but later or something, alright? Fuck,” he runs his hands through his hair and Jihoon steps a little away watching Soonyoung’s flushed face and sits down innocently on his bed. Soonyoung stretches the front of his sweatpants and then glares at Jihoon – kindly, somewhat – and Jihoon smiles.

“I hate you.”

Jihoon only tilts his head. “Really?”

“Of course not really,” Soonyoung mutters and leaves the room without another word. Jihoon sits unmoving, still smiling. The feeling in his chest is surprisingly pleasant. Before he can get up his door opens again and then it’s Soonyoung arching over him giving him one long kiss and disappearing for good. 

Jihoon grins, feeling light in the head and in his chest. Did he do the right thing? Can he really feel like this? After so long… 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there but suddenly Seungcheol is knocking on his half-open door.

“Who’s going around slamming doors?” 

Jihoon blinks at him. “Soonyoung stayed over.”

“Ahh, did you two make up then?”

“Why?”

“Wonwoo said you had a fight.”

“We’re okay.”

Seungcheol smiles. “That’s good. Are we picking him up later?”

Jihoon nods. “He went to get his things.”

“Alright~ You get ready too!”

It’s hot mid-summer, so Jihoon goes for shorts and an oversized t-shirt and packs a few extras as well as a pair of swimming trunks and some hats. They’re only going for five nights so he shouldn’t need too many things but he adds some toiletries and even a few extra condoms he has left from back when he still lived an active sex life. Could be useful. He feels heart beat quicken at the possibility and doesn’t even know what he wants to do with Soonyoung but every time they’ve kissed so far… Well his body was burning for it. It’s exciting.

He texts Soonyoung that they’ll be at his place at ten fifteen and he sends back a thumbs up and Jihoon notices there’s a text from Sooyoung as well.

Sooyoung: _ how did it go? _

Jihoon: _ very well… thank you _

Sooyoung: _ can’t believe I helped my ex get a boyfriend xD _

Jihoon: _ well not boyfriend yet _

Sooyoung: _ another fuck buddy? duuuuuude get it together _

Jihoon: _ not even that yet T____T _

Sooyoung: _ LEE JIHOOOOOOOOON _

Jihoon: _ working on it _

Sooyoung: _ tmi. but have fun sticking shit up ur ass _

Jihoon feels lightheaded and Seungcheol looks up over the rim of his coffee cup. 

“Are you hungover?”

“I didn’t drink.”

“Do you want to drive then?”

“I’m good.”

“And you don’t know how to drive.”

“So why even ask?” Seungcheol only smiles.

They pick Wonwoo and Jun up first, then stop by the dorms and Jihoon squeezes into the middle to make space for Soonyoung who exchanges a quick look with Wonwoo as he gets inside that Jihoon pretends not to see. At Jihoon, Soonyoung spares only a brief glance at his bare thighs before he stuffs his bag between his own legs and Cheol starts driving out of Seoul amping up the rap on the stereo.

“Help,” Jun begs and Jihoon agrees, reaching for the aux cord.

Seungcheol is whining immediately but Jihoon doesn’t listen. “Jihoooooooon!” He ignores him, connecting his own music and picks a Bruno Mars’ song before passing the phone over to Jun so he can also pick a few songs while Cheol continues to glare at him through the rearview mirror.

“We can take turns,” Jihoon excuses.

“I can’t take turns, I’m driving!”

“Awww,” Jihoon pats a pouting Cheol on the shoulder and smiles at Soonyoung who only briefly meets his eyes before turning to the window. _ Weird_, Jihoon thinks watching him for a moment longer, but Soonyoung shows no sign of looking back. Jihoon’s fingers itch for him. It’s a new feeling, but not an unpleasant one so he pinches Soonyoung’s thigh to relieve himself of it.

“Isn't it going to be too hot in these?” Soonyoung is wearing his favorite Adidas trainers and he glances at Jihoon before tugging his leg away. His cheeks are flushed. Cute.

“I brought other things.”

“You brought swimming trunks, right?” Jun leans over to look at Soonyoung. “Hao has a hot tub and the beach is like two meters away!” Soonyoung nods and even in Jihoon’s peripheral Jun’s pout is obvious. “Why are you so quiet?”

“No reason.”

“Do you hate the music too?” Cheol asks. “As the oldest one here I give you permission to choose anything you want.” Jihoon passes the phone immediately and Soonyoung takes it without meeting his eyes, predictably picking a Shinee song and then scrolls through Spotify and puts the new Jonas Brothers song on queue. 

He smiles when he returns the phone and Jihoon smiles back. A few months ago Soonyoung came to the studio while Jihoon had _ Sucker _ on full blast.

“What?” He still remembers how warm his face felt. “I like the song!”

“I didn’t say anything,” Soonyoung was already sitting comfortably on his couch. “Did you like them growing up too?”

“Just be quiet,” Jihoon muttered but Soonyoung had already started telling him all about his first Middle School performance to _ SOS _ and now the memory felt more precious than embarrassing.

So him choosing _Sucker_ now… Jihoon watches Soonyoung’s cute fingers tap along his thighs and feels quite secure about everything even if he’s still too afraid to take his hand.

★

By the time they arrive everyone’s already at the house and Seokmin, Soonyoung, Chan and Jeonghan leave again to get food and drinks while the rest stay to clean up. There are six rooms total so it’s easy to split in pairs since Jeonghan, Seokmin and Joshua volunteered to room three of them together.

“You’re rooming with me right?” Cheol asks when they go up the stairs, Jihoon behind them.

“Actually–“ Cheol turns around. “Yeah,” he says on auto-pilot and Cheol smiles leaving Jihoon feeling like a fool especially when they discover that the room only has one bed and Seungcheol starts cackling.

“We haven’t shared a bed since we were children.”

“Wish it had stayed that way…”

“Stop being grumpy. I promise I won’t cuddle, unless you want to,” he grins and Jihoon nudges him, leaving his bag by the door and going back downstairs, joining Wonwoo on the patio petting some cats with Jun and Minghao.

“Are they yours?” Jihoon asks.

Minghao shakes his head, taking some pictures. “Probably a neighbor’s. They’re so cute.” Jun is probably the most excited, cradling a big ginger cat on his lap and when Minghao starts taking pictures, Jihoon comes up to Wonwoo.

“Can we talk?” 

“Why?” Wonwoo asked with a small smile and Jihoon felt a chill down his spine.

“We’re also friends.”

“Right.” But he was still smiling as if he knew all the answers to the questions Jihoon hadn’t even thought of yet.

They walk down to the water in silence, over the last semester Jihoon has been busier with music but keeping in touch with Wonwoo wasn’t so hard when he would still come over weekly to play video games. 

“So,” Wonwoo says. “What happened last night?”

“Did Soonyoung not tell you?”

“I tried texting him this morning but he just answered with a very long keysmash and an _ I’ll talk to you later_.”

Jihoon takes off his slides to sink his toes in the water. “I don’t know what page you’re on.”

“I know he really likes you,” he says simply and there’s a deep warmth in Jihoon’s chest, as strong as the heat from the sun. “When you and Sooyoung–“

“We were just talking,” Jihoon says quickly and Wonwoo pats his back. 

“Whatever you were doing, I’ve never seen Soonyoung like that. He was so angry he could barely breathe, I didn’t think he’d ever want to see you again...” Jihoon doesn’t know what to say. “I’ve known about his feelings since last Spring.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Yeah." Jihoon feels Wonwoo watching him but he doesn’t look up from where the warm seawater licks at his ankles. “So what happened?”

Jihoon doesn’t talk right away and Wonwoo bends down to run his fingers through the wet sand, waiting patiently. That’s the good thing about Wonwoo, they both either talk too much or talk too little and kind of innately understand what the other needs best at a certain time. Right now that’s what Jihoon needs – time. And even in the boiling late July sun, Wonwoo understands.

“I’ve liked him for a while too, I just never knew how to approach it,” it’s weird to confess to Wonwoo before he has even properly spoken to Soonyoung about his feelings. Not that Soonyoung doesn’t get the hint at this point, but it’s also nice. As if he’s practicing.

“Hmm. I think I got that part.”

“Shut up.” Wonwoo gets up and smiles at him. “So what did you do?”

“Me? What do I do when someone is mad at me? I just stayed quiet until he told me his fucking therapist said he should stay away from me. So I kissed him.”

“Brilliant."

“Thanks.” Jihoon sighs. “I’m really horrible.”

“No you’re not. But it did take you an unsurprisingly long time to catch up. What are you going to do now?”

“Cheol assumed we’re rooming together and I didn’t say anything.”

“And you want to room with Soonyoung?” Wonwoo smiles, not waiting for an answer. “Have you not spoken to Cheol about him?”

“He’s going to gloat so much…”

“Most people are probably. The guy who hated Soonyoung ends up with him.” Jihoon nudges him. “It’s cute.”

“Shut up. I don’t even know how it’s going to work between us.”

“I think you two will be just fine.”

Jihoon lets out a nervous breath. It feels too good to hear. “Are you sure?” He asks and Wonwoo meets his eyes, nodding.

“Yeah, just talk to each other. Communication is key. Now can we please go inside? We’re both too pale to be out here for too long.”

Back in the house the supermarket crew had returned already and Jihoon helps everyone unpack the bags while Mingyu, Minghao and Joshua plan what to make for lunch on the grill outside and the rest go down to the beach to swim.

“Where are the rooms?” Jihoon overhears Soonyoung asking.

“There should be one left for you and Chan,” Minghao tells him. “I’ll show you in a sec.”

Soonyoung nods and meets Jihoon’s eyes who offhandedly offers to show Soonyoung himself. “I need to get my sunscreen,” he adds, not sure why because Minghao is already distracted by Mingyu nearly toppling over a whole shelf of wine glasses.

He leads Chan and Soonyoung upstairs and the only room with its door open also has a double bed. Maybe they all do. 

“Ahhh, hyung!” Chan grins, dropping his bag by the bed. “Are we going to cuddle?”

Soonyoung glances at Jihoon as if asking for permission but Jihoon is too busy narrowing his eyes at Chan. He’s a funny one, this kid. Too proud and too confident, almost like Soonyoung back in first year but without the overly kind aura. He’s out inexcusably for blood – overflowing with talent, eagerness, and motivation. He’s also incredibly perceptive. He doubts any teasing words he’s ever said in front of Jihoon were a mistake, especially this.

Chan doesn’t wait for a response before digging through his bag for some spray sunscreen and flip flops. “Do you want some, hyung?” He’s asking Jihoon, probably because of his excuse earlier and Jihoon shakes his head. “Can you apply some on my back then?” Jihoon is about to tell him to ask Soonyoung but Soonyoung is leaving the room with a pair of swimming trunks to change into. Jihoon sighs. Well great. He calls Chan over and Chan takes off his shirt passing him the sunscreen. 

“So…” Chan starts. Fucking great. Small talk with Chan. Just what he always dreamed of. Last time it happened Chan basically told Jihoon he’s a huge loser so he wasn’t really ever looking forward to speak to him again. “Wanna switch rooms?”

“What?”

Chan looks at him over his shoulder. “Well, clearly you’re the one who’d rather be sharing a bed with Soonyoung.” Jihoon glares at him and sprays way too close to his face and Chan gasps in surprise. “You’re mean.”

“I’m not, you should face forward,” Jihoon says simply, spraying equally across his back and rubbing through it. Chan stays silent taking back the sunscreen when Jihoon is done to apply the rest by himself. By the time Soonyoung returns he's finished. "I'll wait downstairs," he says, leaving the sunscreen for Soonyoung and sparing Jihoon a glare on his way out.

“What did you say to him?” 

“Why am I the one saying things?” Jihoon bites back, arms crossing, and Soonyoung only looks at him before throwing his pants onto a chair and spraying the sunscreen onto his arms. They don’t talk for a little while and Jihoon watches Soonyoung spread lotion everywhere but under his shirt. Is he embarrassed of undressing?

“Do you need some?”

“No, thanks. I have in my room.” 

Soonyoung glances at him again and pulls off his shirt finally to spray his front, his back to Jihoon. Jihoon kind of wants to laugh. Who knew Soonyoung would suddenly be so shy? It’s not like Jihoon hasn’t seen any of it before but maybe now that they’ve kissed…

Jihoon comes closer to take the can from the bedside table and sprays his back for him and it’s painfully clear how Soonyoung freezes over as soon as Jihoon’s fingers touch his skin.

“We need to talk,” Soonyoung says, voice strained. Jihoon’s fingers curl slightly against his skin but he massages the cream in before stepping away.

“Yeah,” he agrees and Soonyoung puts his shirt back on before turning around.

“You’re not rooming with me.”

“Cheol asked–”

“It really doesn’t matter too much to me, but,” he runs a hand through his hair and it sticks up from the sunscreen, roots dark against the gray he keeps bleaching into. “I don’t know what’s going on… This morning we kissed and now… Well, how am I supposed to act around you?”

“I don’t know,” Jihoon says honestly. “But I do know that we both want the same things.”

“Yeah?” Soonyoung smiles, shy but excited. “What are they?”

Jihoon’s heart crawls up his throat and he takes Soonyoung’s wrist as if to steady himself. “I like you,” he says, eyes meeting Soonyoung pointedly. “So whatever this is going to be, I want it. I just don’t really know how to start… Or how to tell people… Or what this all really means.”

Soonyoung looks a little lost for words but Jihoon waits, eyes dropping to where he’s holding Soonyoung’s wrist, fingers curling. He feels Soonyoung’s free hand land softly on his cheek and his eyes close already expecting the feeling on his lips. It’s a soft kiss. A quick one. But the pulsing in his chest is so strong Jihoon feels like his whole life has changed just through this one touch. 

“Okay,” Soonyoung tells him softly. “Together then. Partners?”

“Shut up,” Jihoon nudges him away and when he meets Soonyoung’s eyes, he looks worrisomely teary eyed.

“Well, it’s true. If you’re feeling lost, you can think of a relationship as a really elaborate dance duet. One can’t exist without the other, you need symbiosis – ultimate teamwork.”

“Then who is leading?”

Soonyoung ponders it for a short moment, lips pouting. “I think we both have our strong points.”

Jihoon nods, smiling as his heart relaxes slightly. “Safe answer."

“But that’s the good thing, isn’t it? We’re similar enough and we’re different enough, finding our own strengths to lead in.”

Jihoon lets out a soft breath. “As always. Simple.”

“Think of it like this – you’re the composer setting up the tune, I’ll follow.”

“Because we’re that good of partners?”

Soonyoung grins, cheeky. “Exactly.”

Jihoon’s eyes are the ones burning now, so he closes them and leans forward, forehead falling onto Soonyoung’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?"

“Nothing.” 

_ Everything. _

_ You. _

★

They spend the day with everyone on the beach, eating grilled chicken until the sun sets and they start a bonfire in the space between the house and the water. There’s beer and marshmallows and Joshua and Jihoon teaching everyone how to make s’mores the way they did in their American summer camps.

Soonyoung stays by Jihoon’s side most of the time, which is nothing new but the desire to touch him is strong now – and maybe here where light coming from the orange licks of the fire is soft and secret Jihoon could reach out… Take his hand in the shadows. Would that be okay? Would Soonyoung like that?

“You’re staring,” Wonwoo plops down next to him and Jihoon gives him a small sarcastic smile, quickly getting up for more beer taking his and Soonyoung’s empty bottle with him. Up on the porch Jeonghan is chatting with Seungcheol and Minghao, and Jihoon joins them for a little while until they leave with Mingyu to grill some meat leaving Jihoon alone with Jeonghan.

Jihoon doesn't mind Jeonghan. They haven’t spoken as much as they used to but Jeonghan is still someone who’s known him for too many years where a few months of less talking doesn’t really deter their understanding of each other.

Jihoon never knows how to feel about that.

“So,” Jeonghan starts, predictably. He barely waited for the other two to leave.

“Hm.”

“You and Soonyoung.”

“What about us?"

“So there is an us?”

“Depends on what you’re implying.”

“I heard you had a fight last night, but it seems you’ve made up.” Jihoon nods. “You two have always been entertaining. I still never figured out why you hated him.”

“I never hated him… I think you were right back then. Jealousy probably. He has everything I don’t.”

“So why did you fight yesterday?”

Jihoon watches Vernon’s forehead hit Soonyoung’s shoulder as they laugh at something Seungkwan and Seokmin are joking about.

“Yesterday was something else,” he says finally.

“So is it official now?”

Jihoon gives him a look. “I don’t want to rush it.”

“Hmm, if you’re unsure of your feelings, that would be unfair to Soonyoungie. He waited a long time.”

“I am sure.” He doesn’t know if his confession surprises Jeonghan but he stays quiet. “We spent so long avoiding, I spent so long pushing, that now that we might be together… I don’t know how that’s going to be. So I don’t know if it’s a smart idea to come out about it all at once.”

“Have you spoken to him about that?”

“Sort of,” he smiles lightly when he meets Jeonghan’s eyes. “I’m kind of still in the process of understanding.”

Jeonghan smiles too, taking a sip of his drink. “How did you figure out you like Soonyoung then?”

“Soonyoung asked to kiss me for New Years. I panicked. Next week I met Sooyoung and well... When you have sex for long enough and still feel nothing there’s a lot to think about.”

“So fucking the wrong person really does help.”

“Ugh, when you phrase it like that…” 

Out by the bonfire Soonyoung joined Seungkwan and Seokmin in some sort of spontaneous dance competition and they’re way too close to the fire. At least Joshua looks like he’s monitoring them. Somewhat.

“I’m nervous,” he admits.

“You’ll be fine. Just communicate.”

“Is that how you’re able to handle two boyfriends?” Jihoon asks and Jeonghan grins.

“That’s a whole other conversation, Jihoon-ah.” 

Jihoon shakes his head and grabs two beers before heading down to the beach and attempting to pull the three clowns away from the fire. Instead, he somehow gets roped into joining a dance battle – him and Seokmin against Soonyoung and Seungkwan, with Wonwoo as the judge. When Jihoon dances his second round, Soonyoung falls onto the sand dramatically crying that he can’t beat him and Jihoon feels pure happiness even as his stomach hurts from laughing.

★

By two in the morning there are more empty bottles than full ones – wine, beer, soju – and Jihoon’s a little woozy sitting in the hot tub with Soonyoung across from him. Seungcheol is also there, while Josh and Jeonghan had already left even though Jeonghan did kindly try to take Seungcheol with them.

They’re talking about random things, Jihoon isn’t even sure what anymore. At one point Soonyoung and Seungcheol are arguing about who their Jazz teacher liked more last semester even though they end up just complimenting each other. Jihoon only tunes back in when he hears Seungcheol mention his parents.

“I still can’t believe you didn’t invite them to my show.”

“I thought you would.”

“Why would I?”

“Because you’re like, best friends with my mom.”

“What?” Soonyoung pipes in, laughing.

“Oh yeah, my mom is _ obsessed _ with him.”

“No she’s not!” Seungcheol defends, splashing him and Jihoon laughs, scooting away and coincidentally closer to Soonyoung.

“She _so _is!” Then, he looks over at Soonyoung trying hard for whatever reason to convince him. “Listen, she first met Seungcheol when we were sixteen I swear he’s the only thing she ever talks to me about.”

“Jihooooon,” Seungcheol whines. “That’s not true.”

“Okay fine, that and my disappointing height.”

Seungcheol’s brows furrow as if he’s the one disappointed that Jihoon would say that and Jihoon himself can’t really believe that it just slipped out of his mouth. Especially in front of Soonyoung. 

“Your height isn’t disappointing,” Soonyoung says finally and Jihoon looks over at him, embarrassed.

“Yeah, I don’t think so either. But my parents do.”

“Jihoon–“ Seungcheol tries.

“You out of all people know it’s true,” Jihoon points out. “Anyway that’s not the point of this – point is, my parents love Seungcheol because he’s their Golden Boy, but Seungcheol is interested in Hip Hop and being a gym trainer more than being a dancer so now they got their eyes on you.”

“Me?” Soonyoung’s brows are high on his forehead, wet fringe brushed back and Jihoon nods, looking back at Seungcheol. 

“Seriously, they saw our stage and they’ve been texting about him every day.”

“Damn,” Seungcheol sounds impressed. “Jihoon’s parents are crazy big in the dance industry, especially classical. That’s awesome, Soonyoung, if you’re nice to Jihoon and even nicer to his parents, the amount of connections you’ll get are going to be insane.”

Jihoon grins at Soonyoung and Soonyoung looks like an owl blinking from the shock.

“But those–“

“Don’t say they’re mine again,” Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Didn’t I tell you already? Do I seem like I’m interested in them? I prefer music at this point anyway.”

Soonyoung is still silent when Jihoon looks at him.

“Well, they still have to like me first to be willing to give me their son’s connections.”

“And not the Golden Boy over there.”

“Stop calling me that!” Seungcheol defends but Jihoon keeps looking back at Soonyoung.

“They’ll like you,” Jihoon tells him with a small splash. “You’re friendly enough.”

“You’re so convinced,” Soonyoung’s smile is a little teasing. “What if disliking Kwon Soonyoung is a genetic trait?”

“You’re not funny,” Jihoon says with another splash and Soonyoung grabs his wrist, holding it underwater. “If it helps my parents care more about skill than personality.”

“Thanks, I feel much better.”

“Actually,” Jihoon thinks about it for a moment. “They care about physical appearance the most.”

“Is that good?”

“For your legs yeah.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you mean?”

“You have like… The perfect dancer legs.”

“You never told me that before.”

Jihoon feels warm and he swears Soonyoung is getting closer. “I must have. It’s like the first thing I noticed about you. They’re long and sculpted. Your thighs are the perfect size, lean and strong, and you’re _ so _ flexible_. _ ” God he’s talking too much and Soonyoung is moving closer… _ Shut up, shut up, shut up. _

“Um,” Seungcheol says suddenly. “Am I interrupting something?”

Jihoon rips his hand away from Soonyoung’s and looks away at the bubbling water. His chest feels like it’s about to cave in from the wake up call and he hates the pooling heat in his stomach because of Soonyoung’s touch… How close he is… He likes it too much.

“Let’s go to bed,” he says abruptly, stepping out of the water even as he’s aware that he’s running away again. When he glances at Soonyoung after covering himself with a towel, Soonyoung’s bangs have fallen back down, hanging low over his eyes.

Seungcheol seems unsure, but he follows him out of the water and so does Soonyoung and they head upstairs together – all of them silent. At the top of the stairs, Soonyoung wishes them a quiet goodnight before walking off to his room and Jihoon follows Seungcheol to theirs on the opposite side.

“What was that?” Seungcheol asks when they’re inside.

“What?”

“You looked like…” He doesn’t finish his sentence and Jihoon doesn’t know if he wants to hear it. “Is there something going on between you two?”

“_What? _"

Seungcheol laughs. “Nevermind, now that I say it out loud it makes no sense.” Jihoon stays silent, heart beating too fast and mind too tired to argue anything or simply ask what he meant by that.

They get ready for bed and Cheol falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow while Jihoon lays quietly on his side, phone on his chest until he’s too restless because his brain can’t stop thinking. Because he feels _ bad_. He fucked up again didn’t he?

Jihoon: _ are you sleeping? _

Soonyoung: _ almost _

Jihoon: _ okay _

Soonyoung doesn’t write again and Jihoon stares at his screen until it dims, not knowing what to say. What should he say? Should he apologize? Should he wish him good night? Does he send him a heart?

Jihoon: _ soonyoung im not good at this _

Soonyoung: _ youre fine. we aren’t even doing anything yet _

Jihoon: _ but I want to _

Soonyoung: _ we have time. no need worry about it right now _

Jihoon: _ says you _

Soonyoung: _ shut upppp _

Jihoon: _ goodnight soonyoung _

Soonyoung: _ yeah jihoonie goodnight _

★

The next morning Jihoon and Wonwoo attempt to tan but really Jihoon spends the whole time wearing Seokmin’s sunglasses to discretely check out Soonyoung’s wet chest glisten from where he’s playing water volleyball with Seokmin, Jeonghan, Seungcheol and the rest.

Jihoon finds that he has never had the urge to check out a man other than to observe their physicality for his own body building ventures. But Soonyoung… His muscles are lightly defined and his skin glistens beautifully in the golden light of the sun and Jihoon really doesn’t have a hard time imagining his own hands gliding up his skin, leaving kisses behind. When he feels like he’s burning too much from the sun or possibly from his thoughts he nudges Wonwoo and they go inside to play video games until it’s lunch time and they help Mingyu cook. 

At night it rains so they order copious amounts of pizzas and hang out in the basement playing Mafia and when Jihoon is killed on the second round, Soonyoung is grinning at him teasingly because he was the Mafia all along. Bastard. They do a little game of charades after and play some silly drinking games until Minghao sets up the big screen and he and Vernon decide to put on some random horror movie. 

The basement is a good size, they all fit cozily inside – Wonwoo and Jun cuddling on a beanbag, Vernon and Seungkwan on another one, Minghao is sipping on a glass of wine on the third one and Mingyu is sprawled on the floor together with Soonyoung. Jihoon sits on a large armchair while on the couch Seungcheol cuddles Chan with Jeonghan and Joshua on the other side, Seokmin sitting on the floor, leaning back in the space between their legs. Because it’s a horror movie though, Mingyu and Soonyoung do not survive being at the front by themselves so they quickly occupy the only empty space they see available – right next to Jihoon. 

Mingyu is quicker, but Jihoon gets the slightest idea that that’s only because Soonyoung hesitates. There’s an awkward pause when Mingyu squeezes himself into the armchair with him but Jihoon is staring at Soonyoung because… Well maybe he wanted Soonyoung to be squeezing next to him instead.

Seungcheol calls Soonyoung over to them and Soonyoung complies laying down comfortably between him and Chan and Jihoon cannot for the life of him focus on the movie anymore, glancing at Soonyoung instead – at his leg is thrown over Chan’s and head on Seungcheol’s shoulder. What the hell. When did he become such a jealous person?

“You good?” Mingyu asks and Jihoon averts his eyes to the screen and nods.

“I don’t like scary movies,” he mutters as an excuse.

“Same. At least we’re not as bad as that guy,” Mingyu mutters in his ear and Jihoon looks over to Seokmin who is hugging Jeonghan’s leg in horror and then Soonyoung is slipping down the couch to hug him so they can be terrified together.

Jihoon swallows down whatever regret he’s feeling. It’s his own fault again. If he wanted he could have called Soonyoung over from the start. The girl on the screen yells and her breasts shake violently as she’s running away from some guy with a hatchet and Jihoon looks over at Soonyoung again who has his forehead pressed against Seokmin’s neck. When he looks away, he accidentally locks eyes with Jeonghan who’s smiling eerily at him so Jihoon swivels his neck back to the screen. Fucking hell, he’s pathetic. 

Mingyu is big next to him and it’s not so comfortable for either of them even if Jihoon is much smaller. So Jihoon takes advantage of it, wiggles a little, pretends like he can’t find a comfortable enough position and after a while Mingyu feels just as uncomfortable. He gets up with quiet apology and sits down by Minghao’s legs to lean against the bean bag. _ Success_, Jihoon thinks and takes some time before he looks over to Soonyoung again to find Jeonghan pulling Seokmin up as if Joshua pressing against him isn’t enough. Whatever. That’s perfect for Jihoon. Jeonghan smiles _ you’re welcome _ at him and Jihoon tucks in his lips for a second and waits until Soonyoung meets his eyes, alone and pouty. When he does finally, Jihoon holds his gaze for a moment before he tilts his head.

_ Come here_.

Soonyoung looks confused but Jihoon doesn’t turn away. Instead he moves his hand subtly by his side and taps until Soonyoung’s brows rise, understanding what Jihoon is hinting at. He meets his eyes and doesn’t move until a darker scene starts and he finally relocates to sit in the free space next to him.

“Hi,” he mutters and Jihoon smiles at him over the nervous nausea in his stomach and the awareness that a few of their friends have definitely noticed. But that’s okay. Because he wants this and from the way Soonyoung settles comfortably behind him, he knows he wanted this too.

Soonyoung is terrified from the movie still and Jihoon only laughs when Soonyoung grabs onto his shoulder and jokes with Vernon across the room about the bad effects and then Wonwoo pipes in about the physics of the blood spatter being unrealistic but Seokmin, Soonyoung, Mingyu are still crying from fear and when Soonyoung takes Jihoon’s hand because he’s so afraid Jihoon doesn’t let go.

They do a small pause before they decide what to watch next and Soonyoung refuses to get up and Jihoon doesn't tell him to leave, their hands still clasped together beside Soonyoung’s thigh. They’re all talking amongst themselves, mostly Vernon, Minghao, Jihoon and Jeonghan making fun of the rest for being so scared and when Jihoon comes across Seungcheol watching him there’s a _ we need to talk _glare staring back at him.

“Jihoon, do you need to pee?” He asks, immediately taking the opportunity.

“N-“

“Great! Come with me,” he gets up and Jihoon hesitates but glances at Soonyoung before he follows Seungcheol upstairs to the bathroom.

“Too scared to go alone?” He jokes as they climb up and Seungcheol ignores the teasing until they’re in the kitchen.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“About what?”

“Are you serious?” Seungcheol asks, clearly pissed. “I’m your best friend, Jihoon. You think I wouldn’t notice you two holding hands? Have a little sense.” Jihoon is silent. Unmoving. And Cheol runs a hand through his hair. “Let’s go outside.”

They don’t go far. The sand on the beach is moist from the rain and they sit on the porch, staring at the waves sloshing in the otherwise silent night.

“How long has it been?”

“Since two days ago.”

“That makes me feel better."

“Well, that’s good,” Jihoon murmurs.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I still don’t know what’s happening. All we did was kiss a few times… We haven’t even spoken at all today.”

“So you’ll just be hooking up? Is that all you want?”

“No.”

“Because with Sooyoung it wasn’t enough.”

“Because I wanted nothing with Sooyoung the way I want with him.”

Seungcheol lets out a breath of surprise and throws an arm around Jihoon, squeezing his shoulder.

“Remember when I asked you to take me to a club and you suggested a gay one… Did you know?”

“Hmm… I assumed, but I wasn’t sure.”

“I really didn’t understand back then, to be honest. I’m not good with feelings. I don’t even know if I’ve ever even had a crush until…” His head hangs low but Seungcheol squeezes Jihoon’s shoulder again and it’s grounding. “You know it never mattered to me – girl or boy. I never thought about it. My whole life was dance until it started falling apart and nothing else felt like it mattered anymore and then Soonyoung comes in and he had _ everything. _"

“I always had a feeling you two would be good for each other.”

Jihoon laughs. “Yeah… I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d be very proud of yourself for that one.”

“Shut up. Can you be a supportive friend for once the way I am? Aren’t you glad that I always know what’s best for you?”

Jihoon glances at him and Cheol is smiling his warm Seungcheol smile. Jihoon looks away again. “We’ll see about that.”

“Just take your time. I won’t push it. But if you want me to sleep in Chan’s room tonight, I can.”

Jihoon sucks on his bottom lip for a moment and then nods. “That would be nice."

“You got it.”

The door behind them slides open and it’s Seungkwan. “How long are you two going to talk feelings out there? We want to start the next movie!”

Downstairs, Soonyoung has relocated to cuddle with Chan but when Jihoon sits in his arm chair and gives him a pointed stare, he comes right back to sit next to him.

“Hello,” he murmurs, the room dark as the movie’s beginning credits roll. Jihoon lets himself settle against his chest, legs hanging over the arm of the chair and his heart feels in his throat but he swallows past it. It’s nice, cozy, and exciting. Soonyoung presses his face into his neck when he’s scared and warm puffs of air send shivers down his spine.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon whispers into his ear at a particularly scary scene. “Seungcheol switched rooms with you. So you just gotta survive this movie, okay?”

The sigh against Jihoon’s skin is just a shuddered breath and Soonyoung’s hand squeezes Jihoon’s.

“Can we go now?”

Jihoon nudges him but after a few minutes he does announce that he has to pee and drags Soonyoung with him. 

“Is that where you disappeared off to earlier? To switch rooms?” Soonyoung asks when they’re going up the second set of stairs and Jihoon stops a few steps above ahead to brush some hair off his forehead and give him a quick kiss.

“Go get your stuff.” Jihoon goes back to his room to collect Seungcheol’s things which Soonyoung takes wordlessly to his old room. When he returns, Jihoon is sitting on the bed and Soonyoung comes quickly towards him with a soft _ can I? _ against his lips and Jihoon nods. 

Their kiss is intense and exciting and Jihoon lets himself get pushed back onto the bed, Soonyoung kissing him deep enough that Jihoon feels like he’s sinking right into the mattress. 

“God, you taste so good,” he murmurs against his mouth and Jihoon’s fingers run through in the short hairs of his nape.

“Don’t lie, I probably taste like beer and whatever Jun ordered on that pizza.”

“But it’s delicious to me,” Soonyoung kisses the corner of his mouth and Jihoon smiles.

“I thought you’d taste like chocolate.”

Soonyoung leans back to look at him. “Cute?”

“Because of all those energy bars you eat.”

Soonyoung grins. “Wow.”

“What?”

“You actually thought about what I’d taste like.” Jihoon nudges him and Soonyoung kisses him again. “I hope I didn’t disappoint.”

Jihoon kisses him again to shut him up and then sits up so he can crawl back to lay down against the pillows pulling Soonyoung with him by the collar of his shirt letting him kiss anywhere – mouth, neck, cheeks. Soonyoung is unafraid to caress his cheek but his other hand won’t move from where it's settled by his waist.

“If you’re not going to touch me, I’m flipping you over.”

“Oh god.”

Jihoon laughs and sits up again forcing Soonyoung to sit on his thighs and doesn’t wait before his hands slip under his shirt to pull it off.

“You need to apply more sunscreen,” he carefully leaves wet kisses on the redness in the center of his chest and Soonyoung hisses when Jihoon bites and sucks the paler skin under. He can feel Soonyoung hard against him already and he feels hard too. So hard. He doesn’t remember ever feeling this turned on by Sooyoung. Just this is enough to make him _ ache _ in a way he hasn’t been able to before. He presses his forehead against Soonyoung’s overheated skin and breathes out pushing Soonyoung’s hips down and Soonyoung grabs his shoulders gasping.

“Shit.”

“You can move,” Jihoon tells him, kissing his chest again and all the way up his neck, biting lightly at his chin and Soonyoung whines when he grinds his hips down, slowly, gently. “You don’t have to be careful with me.”

“Fucker, I’m not worried about you here,” he gasps out and Jihoon looks up at him with a frown. “Shut up. Shut up. Don’t look at me like that…” He pushes Jihoon down against the covers and kissing him stupid, moving his legs so he can comfortably grind against his thigh and when his hand slips down to cup Jihoon over his shorts, Jihoon has to break their kiss because he’s breathing too hard.

“Does it feel good?” Soonyoung asks by his ear and Jihoon nods. “Is it needy… If I ask you to touch me... That I want you to touch me so badly... Please.”

Jihoon doesn’t have to be told twice.

“Sit up again,” Soonyoung does, cheeks as flushed as his sunburnt chest and Jihoon is glad Soonyoung is wearing sweatpants because they’re easy to pull down and Jihoon gets even harder when he finds Soonyoung’s underwear a little wet. He looks up at him then and Soonyoung stares back as if hypnotized.

“How quickly will you come?”

“Probably immediately.” He says it so seriously that Jihoon can’t help but laugh.

“I’ve never done this before.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to."

“That’s not what I said,” Jihoon keeps staring at him as he pulls down his underwear to reveal him. The moment he wraps his fingers around him and tugs once, Soonyoung is grabbing the edge of the bed and coming right onto his hand and face.

“Fuck,” he’s gasping above him, hips pushing forward and Jihoon turns away, hand still pumping Soonyoung empty, until Soonyoung’s hand covers his to stop him, settling back down against his thighs and kissing him immediately.

“Oh, fuck,” he sighs kissing him and kissing his cheeks where the come struck. “I’m sorry, shit.” Jihoon just sits there, blindly wiping his hand clean off his own shirt and kissing him back. “You have no idea,” he whispers. “How much I like you. Fuck.” It feels as if Soonyoung is shaking and Jihoon has no idea how to show him that he feels the same. “Best, you’re the best, oh my god.”

“You really needed to get laid, didn’t you?” Jihoon laughs when Soonyoung starts kissing his cheek again.

“Shut up, it’s not about that,” Soonyoung kisses his lips again. “I just–“ he stops himself and Jihoon leans back.

“You just what?”

“You don’t want to hear it.”

“I don’t?”

Soonyoung looks at him a little lost and answers by kissing him again and pulling Jihoon’s shirt off finally and gasping against his shoulder before he starts kissing, slowly, carefully, down his chest.

“How are you so pretty and sexy at the same time?” he mutters mostly to himself. “How can your skin be this soft?” He peppers kisses over his body and crawls down so he can lick comfortably around his navel and then presses his face against him when he starts biting at his waist just as his hands slips up his thighs all the way under his shorts.

“You’re such a fucker… When you picked me up yesterday…” He squeezes his thighs. “And today you sat there with your bare legs in front of me the whole movie, I really didn't know what’s scarier.”

“Really? Because you found the movie pretty damn terrifying.”

Soonyoung bites hipbone for good measure and Jihoon’s hips go up as he hisses through his teeth. Soonyoung’s hands slip farther inside and then he freezes, sitting up.

“Fuck you,” is all he says and Jihoon leans up on his forearms, smiling.

“What?” 

“You’re not wearing underwear.”

“I rarely do to be honest.” Soonyoung stares at him appalled. “What?” 

“Fuck you.”

“Will you? Or you’re just saying that?”

“You’re such a tiny fucker.”

Jihoon’s smile drops. “Don’t call me that and you can do whatever you want to me,” Jihoon promises.

Soonyoung seems to relax a little at that and he kisses Jihoon before he rolls off of him and pulls off his sweatpants and underwear before going to look for something in his bag. He comes back with a small bottle and grins at him.

“I wanted to be prepared.”

“Ah…”

“We don't have to do too much today just… Do you trust me?” Jihoon doesn’t hesitate nodding. “I need to hear you say it.”

“I do.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung grins and carefully pulls down Jihoon’s shorts and groans when he sees him. “Even your dick is pretty.”

Jihoon’s hands cover his face. “Shut up.”

“Show me your face, Jihoon-ah,” he asks him and Jihoon lets his hands fall by his hips. Soonyoung spills some lube over his hand and throws it to the side. “To be honest, I also don’t know what I’m doing but I hope it feels good.”

Jihoon laughs again and it’s almost stupid how much he’s laughing when sex with Sooyoung was always – the action, the coming, and then maybe a small conversation after – not really a laughing matter at all but here… Soonyoung grins at him, a mix of sexy and silly and still so alluring, and covers each of them with lube before he takes them in his hand together.

“Do you need help?” Jihoon asks because Soonyoung can’t take hold of both of them easily.

“Shut up,” Soonyoung groans and Jihoon reaches for the lube to put some on his own hand before joining him.

“We just move?”

“This was supposed to be hot.” Jihoon laughs again and Soonyoung’s flush reaches his ears now and covers his neck. “Stop laughing!”

“Come on,” Jihoon starts moving. “Slowly.”

Soonyoung’s chest is still heaving a little but Jihoon keeps watching him as their hands find a rhythm together and Jihoon’s other hand searches for Soonyoung’s on the bed before intertwining their fingers to steady him when he starts moving his hips in tandem with their strokes. Jihoon really can’t look away from his face, the way he enjoys it, the way he falls fully into it like he’s finding a new dance – adapting to the rhythm and his eyes sharpen as he watches Jihoon back, hips grinding pointedly and Jihoon’s legs twitch when he tries to quicken their pace until he feels his own chest give out noise he’s sure he’s never uttered before.

When he comes it’s with Soonyoung’s mouth on his and their hands dirtied and tangled over each other and his chest erupting with a whine and a moan and hand leaving Soonyoung’s to tangle in his hair and pull him impossibly closer.

“I think you also have no idea,” he whispers when Soonyoung hips still twitch against him. “How much I like you.” Soonyoung’s forehead presses against his and he laughs and it truly is a beautiful sound.

★

They wake up the next morning in their underwear with the rest of their clothes all over the floor and all Jihoon can think is thank god they at least went to the bathroom before because he doesn’t want to imagine waking up with cum dried over their stomachs. Soonyoung has his leg thrown over his and arm hugging his torso and Jihoon’s previous confirmations of Soonyoung keeping polite distance are confirmed – it’s like Jihoon has opened the door of opportunity and Soonyoung takes all.

Jihoon’s mouth is too dry and there’s no water in his room so he untangles carefully and when Soonyoung whines in his sleep Jihoon kisses his shoulder which surprises himself the most. It wasn’t even a conscious decision, operating on autopilot already. Is that what relationships are like? 

Downstairs is empty and the clock on the microwave shows a red six in the morning. Oops. He grabs a few bottles and when he’s back sitting on the bed he feels too awake to go back to sleep.

“We should go for a run,” Jihoon mutters and Soonyoung’s whine is immediate. _ So he’s awake_... “Come on, we haven’t done it in so long,” he nudges him softly and Soonyoung’s eye opens lazily. “We can wear our swimming trunks and take a swim after.”

Soonyoung whines again and rolls over onto his back, arm over his eyes. He has underwear on and maybe that’s a good thing when Jihoon wants to drag him out to go running and not do other things. While Soonyoung lays there, Jihoon gets some sunscreen and sprays it over Soonyoung’s chest and laughs at a light purple spot right over his sternum. 

When he reaches his shoulders, Soonyoung sighs, taking his hand and kisses the back of his fingers. “I love your hands,” he says, still half asleep and Jihoon flicks his forehead so he lets him go.

“I can go by myself,” he tells him and Soonyoung’s eyes open slowly.

“Of course I’ll come with you.”

Jihoon smiles and pulls him up.

"Good." 

★

They run barefoot along the water, Soonyoung barely keeping up. “I knew you weren’t running by yourself!”

“Shut up!” Soonyoung pants, hands against his knees while Jihoon jogs in place. “You didn’t speak to me for half a year.”

“Okay, that’s _ not _ true.”

“Well you live far away now!”

“We could always meet in the middle. Just admit you hate running.”

“I do.”

“But you run for me,” when Soonyoung looks up Jihoon grins and starts running backwards and Soonyoung groans again before chasing him down the beach.

They’re only in their swimming trunks so it’s easy to find some secluded part of the beach away from houses and dip into the ocean and sink down until only their heads are overwater and they can comfortably kiss each other’s salty lips.

“See, it’s not so bad?”

“Nothing with you is bad.”

“I doubt that,” Jihoon smiles softly and pushes slightly away but Soonyoung grabs his hands to keep him close.

“What did you and Seungcheol talk about yesterday?”

“About you.”

“Just me?”

“About us.”

“Hmm. And what did you say?”

“That we still haven’t really spoken about an us.”

Soonyoung nods, watching him for a moment. “And what should we say about it then?”

“What we want.”

“What do you want?”

“Whatever you want.”

Soonyoung smiles. “Not good enough. You need to want something, too.”

“I do. I want you.”

“Damn you evolve quickly,” Soonyoung laughs and Jihoon tugs at his hand.

“Everything with you feels right, Soonyoung. What else do you want me to say?”

“So you want to be my boyfriend?”

“I don’t really care about labels,” Jihoon says honestly. “I just… I like being around you. I like your stupid humor and how easy it is to be with you. I think you’re really amazing – stop smiling like that! I just want you to know I’m serious. Nothing about you feels weird, I don’t want you to ever think that. Everything feels good… I almost can’t believe that it’s only been a few days and I know there’s still a lot to work on but every moment feels happy.” 

Soonyoung kisses him. “So if I hold your hand in public is it okay?”

“Sure... But I’m not a public affection person like that. That’s never been me.”

“So I’ll let you lead.”

“Just don’t be afraid of me, okay? I’m not fragile.”

“Well, maybe I’m fragile,” Soonyoung jokes but Jihoon doesn’t quite believe its humor.

“Then talk to me too. We can take it slow.” Jihoon pulls him gently down so they can kiss again and Soonyoung smiles comfortably against his lips. 

“I will.”

★

The rest of the vacation feels like a trip with their friends slash honeymoon and if anyone realizes what’s going on between them they don’t really bother them about it which is nice. They hang out mostly with everyone, then at night they fool around in bed although nothing they do ever gets past making out and grinding and gasping into each other’s mouths. It’s still great though. It’s great to hear Soonyoung mutter nonstop the things he likes about him in his ear and it’s enough to tell Soonyoung he’s a great kisser that he’ll be brought to tears, hips pressing down. 

It’s nerve wrecking still, just a little. Jihoon isn’t sure what he’s doing but Soonyoung seems to like it which is flattering until Jihoon remembers Soonyoung is so deprived he’ll get excited about anything. He wonders if he should mention the condoms he brought… But somehow what they’re doing for now is just enough and taking that next step feels just a little too soon and a little too vulnerable in a house full of their best friends. 

It’s the last night at Minghao’s when Soonyoung’s fingers approach dangerously close to the crack of his ass that Jihoon gasps, pushing away slightly. 

“Is it because it’s weird?” Soonyoung asks, blinking up from where he was leaving wet kisses on the base of his neck. 

“Will you stop asking that?” 

Soonyoung grins like he’s the most hilarious person and kisses Jihoon’s chin before he reaches his lips. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, if that helps.” 

“I don’t know,” Jihoon murmurs into his mouth. Kissing Soonyoung is too comfortable from what he has learned in just the last few days. It’s like his lips were made for kissing, full and soft, and Soonyoung indulges all too well – kissing and kissing and kissing – until he moans and it’s almost hilarious that he’s hard again pressing his hips against the sheets just to feel something. 

“You literally came ten minutes ago.” 

Soonyoung whines, kissing the corner of his mouth. “I can’t help it. You taste so good I want more.” 

Everything feels overwhelming. Soonyoung’s warm body on top of his, hands on his waist while Jihoon plays with his hair. It’s insanely comfortable in a way that Jihoon never experienced before considering he doesn’t even like being touched on a regular basis but like this… It feels so good. Even the words Soonyoung says feel good, he never thought this could all be so exciting…

He swallows, fingers tightening on Soonyoung’s hair which forces him to meet his eyes. 

“Yes?” 

“Nothing,” Jihoon says and kisses him and pulls him closer and tells himself that this is real. 

★

Jihoon stays in Seoul over break while Soonyoung has another dance camp in Daegu. Jihoon could’ve gone to see his parents in Busan, but he has quite a bit of work lined up and since he’s graduating in half a year, building these connections is the only thing that will pull him through after his studies are done. 

Seungcheol leaves with Soonyoung the morning after they’re back from the beach house so there’s no time for more feelings talk and Jihoon doesn’t mind this alone time to let himself clear his head a little when everything feels like it’s happening too quickly. He doesn’t even have time to say a proper goodbye to Soonyoung – just a small bye when they dropped him off at his dorm. 

Now it’s been a few days and they still haven’t spoken and Jihoon chews uselessly on his lip not knowing how to go about this. Usually their conversations are natural, mostly around work or other joined projects but now that joint project is their relationship Jihoon doesn’t know what the hell to say about it. 

He has dinner with Vernon after they finalize a commission and the few shared soju bottles they split get him a little brave and a little lonely that he finally does send a short text _ hello _ while Vernon’s in the bathroom. 

Soonyoung: _ jeez finally _

Jihoon smiles stupidly at his screen. 

Jihoon: _sorry i’m not good at this_

Soonyoung: _ shhh i don’t know if i am either, but if u miss me u should talk to me _

Jihoon: _ same for you _

Soonyoung: _ then i wont leave u alone ^_^ _

Jihoon: _ that’s fine _

Soonyoung: _ ull regret saying that!!! _

Jihoon: _ how is the dance camp? _

He asks just as Vernon comes back. They pay for the bill and go their separate waves and Jihoon checks his phone to see a short summary text from Soonyoung which is slightly surprising considering Soonyoung can very well never shut up. 

Jihoon: _ i’m glad it’s going well _

Soonyoung: _ yep! _

He doesn’t know what else to say so he doesn’t say anything and the following days are just short texts from Soonyoung with tiny updates and Jihoon’s short answers and he wants to try harder. He _ knows _ he should try harder, but he’s more nervous than anything so they stay in that range. 

Is this how it’s going to be... He really hopes not. 

★

Soonyoung returns the evening before the new semester starts. Jihoon only finds out when he and Seungcheol come back to the apartment together unannounced. 

“Hey!” Jihoon nearly falls off the couch where he's playing some online shooting game.

“You good?” Wonwoo asks through his earpiece. 

“Yeah, sorry, Seungcheol came back,” then he sees Soonyoung behind him and his pause is a little longer. “Soonyoung’s also here.”

“Ahhh, I see. So you’re saying you’re useless to me now.”

“Shut up,” Jihoon turns back to the screen but he’s too distracted with Seungcheol and Soonyoung moving around the room and when Seungcheol goes to his room, Jihoon throws the game. 

“Fucker–” Wonwoo says. 

“I’ll talk to you later.” He hangs up without waiting for a reply and when he takes off the headpiece, Soonyoung is smiling at him from their dining table.

“Hey.” 

“Hi…”  
  
They look at each other for a long minute until Soonyoung gets up and Jihoon meets him halfway, fingers clasping the warm skin of the back of Soonyoung’s neck as he pulls him down to deepen their kiss. He missed him – Soonyoung and kissing him and the way he smiles against his lips when Jihoon presses closer. 

“Missed me?” Soonyoung asks against his lips and Jihoon leans away slightly. “You could’ve called.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You never bother me.”

“You could've called _ me. _ ”

“I don’t want to bother you,” he parrots and Jihoon’s fingers press harder before settling on his shoulder. 

“You wouldn’t.”

“But see, with you it’s harder to tell.”

“I’m telling you now. So _ listen_.”

Soonyoung smiles and kisses Jihoon instead of answering which is just a little unsettling. 

“I’ll remember that.” He takes Jihoon’s hand, squeezing it and letting go when they sit back down on the couch. “How was your break?”

Jihoon doesn’t quite like the subject change but Soonyoung is gentle and sweet so he tells him about the songs he’s been working on with Vernon and his schedule for next semester that includes only a couple dance electives and that’s it. 

“What do your parents say about that?” 

Jihoon shrugs. “Nothing. I’m not kidding when I say they’ve given up on me.” 

“It doesn’t bother you?” 

“What?” 

“That they don’t support you?”

Jihoon’s head tilts a fraction. “They still do… But their original plans for me didn’t work out. They had to get over it.”

“Because of your height.”

Jihoon is really starting to hate this topic more and more even though he was sure he’s over it. “My height never bothered me, but they were convinced there’s no hope for me like this so I was tired of drinking pointless vitamins and having my mother ask my friends when they had their growth spurt.” 

Soonyoung nods, slowly, understanding. “Would you have continued dancing if they were more supportive?” 

Jihoon’s thumb massages his other hand and he plays with that thought in his head, not for the first time. “I love dancing,” he says then. “But I think I can thrive more in other areas too.” 

“I think you could thrive anywhere.” 

“You’re just good at complimenting without really thinking.” 

“Hey!” 

Jihoon smiles, meeting his eyes. “I appreciate it. But I’m okay with how things turned out. I’m happy even.” 

“That’s good,” Soonyoung says.

“Yeah.” 

“If you change your mind though, we can keep dancing together.” 

“We can keep dancing together anyway. It’s not like I want to throw away that part of my life entirely, it’s just not my focus anymore.”

“How did your parents react when you told them?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon gets a feeling he is asking for himself.

“They accepted it easily. I think that’s when I realized just how much they gave up. But it was nice. I didn't have to argue anything, they accepted it and that’s all I wanted at the time.” 

“My parents don’t know I’m double majoring.” Jihoon doesn’t respond because he already knew so he stays quiet, letting Soonyoung work through his thoughts. “My mom keeps threatening to tell my dad.”

“Threatening?” 

“My dad won’t take it well,” he smiles then, a clean slate over a scary truth. “But that’s a worry for another day isn’t it?” 

“It’s not healthy to do that, hasn’t Heejin told you that?” 

Soonyoung only smiles and Jihoon sighs, getting up and offering his hand to Soonyoung. “Are you staying over? Let’s go to bed.”

“I didn’t answer.” 

“Well, stay over then.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung says simply, fingers sliding against Jihoon’s palm and Jihoon lets go when he’s up. “So am I sleeping in your room?” He asks and laughs when Jihoon shoots him a glare.

They’re in bed in about ten minutes. Jihoon is texting Wonwoo a quick sorry about earlier while Soonyoung lies down on his side, watching what he’s doing. 

“What are you apologizing for?” 

“I fucked up our game earlier. Not important.” 

“Hmm.” 

“What time do you need to be up tomorrow?”

“I have class at twelve, but I need to stop by the dorm beforehand.” Jihoon sets an alarm for ten and puts his phone aside, turning off the bedside lamp plunging them into darkness save for the dull city lights that still manage to slip through the curtains. It’s enough light that Jihoon can comfortably trace the lines of Soonyoung’s face with his eyes, including that small scar that always fascinated him, just under the curve of his cheek. 

“What?” Soonyoung asks in silence and Jihoon leans up on his forearm to kiss him, Soonyoung turning comfortably onto his back, arms circling around his shoulders. “You’re really a good kisser, you know?”

“You don’t always need to compliment me.”

“But I want to. And I mean it.”

“You’re also a good kisser.”

“I’ve kissed a lot of people.”

“You don’t need to remind me of that.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Considering you’re nearly hard just from one kiss, no not really.” Soonyoung frowns and Jihoon giggles into his chin. “I missed you. Sorry I didn’t text enough.” 

“Issokay, I didn’t either,” Soonyoung mutters and kisses him again, knee coming up so he can grind comfortably against Jihoon’s thigh. “But if you want to make it up to me…” 

Jihoon gets aroused quite quickly from feeling Soonyoung hard against him and hooks his hand under Soonyoung’s knee to press down comfortably. He gets them off, with soft thrusts until they get quicker and Soonyoung is panting heavily while Jihoon leaves hot kisses on his neck, pressing Soonyoung’s leg up to his chest. 

Soonyoung comes with his fingers tight in his hair and a soft whisper of his name with an _ I missed you too, _ and Jihoon kisses him until he stills against him, finishing with a hard press of his hips and Soonyoung peppering kisses on his cheeks telling him he’s so _ so _ pretty and Jihoon is too tired and too happy to tell him to stop.

★

First week of the semester is always the busiest and then the whole of September is just a wreck for Jihoon so seeing Soonyoung becomes nearly impossible. The only times they do see each other is when Jihoon goes with Soonyoung to his therapy session and when Soonyoung doesn’t have practice so he stops by his studio and sleeps over after. Soonyoung still seems to be careful with him no matter how much time passes – he doesn’t really text first, he waits for Jihoon’s invitations before coming over, even with kissing or fooling around it's always Jihoon who makes the first move. 

Jihoon doesn’t mind it too much but it’s unsettling that Soonyoung – the same Soonyoung who has claimed to have liked him for so long – would be so hesitant and careful. Jihoon could tell him repeatedly that it’s okay but Jihoon isn’t that kind of person either, silently hoping that Soonyoung will get the message himself. 

_ Or maybe he realized you aren’t worth it_.

Jihoon brushes the thought aside expertly. It nags him occasionally even when Jihoon is comfortably aware that Soonyoung likes him and a lot for that matter. But it can’t help but pass through, Jihoon only hopes it doesn’t ever stay too long. 

“What did you talk about?” He asks when Soonyoung comes back after his session with Heejin and he smiles a little crookedly at him. 

“I’m not telling you.”

Jihoon's eyes linger for a moment. “Okay.” 

Soonyoung flicks his forehead gently, then leans in to kiss his cheek. “Let’s go?” He asks and Jihoon gathers his things and when Soonyoung throws his arm over his shoulders because he says something he found too hilarious, Jihoon doesn’t shrug it off because he misses the weight of it. 

★

It’s October when the question first comes up and Jihoon isn’t surprised considering he expected it sooner. 

“Please be in my show.” Actually it’s less of a question and more of a sigh escaping his mouth while he sits atop his thighs jerking them off together. 

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon grits out. “Right now? You’re asking right now?” 

“I’m too scared you’ll say no,” he looks at him through his fringe. “At least now I’ll feel too good to care.” 

Jihoon scratches the sides of his thighs pointedly and Soonyoung groans, grinding harder, hand twitching over them as he increases the speed. 

“What’s it going to be, Jihoonie?” He asks, free hand tangling their fingers together, waiting for an answer and Jihoon pulls him down by the neck.

“Okay,” he tells him and Soonyoung moans so intensely from it Jihoon laughs before he’s taken over the edge. 

Turns out Soonyoung’s recital plan isn’t actually any kind of grand show. It’s literally just them two and Jihoon is a little disappointed when he shows up at the dance studio and nobody else is there.

“Just hear me out,” Soonyoung says quickly. “I think my best performance was the one we did last year. I still have next semester to organize a big piece but this is my last chance to dance with you.” 

“Don’t be dramatic,” Jihoon’s arms are folded tightly over his chest. He doesn’t like that Soonyoung refuses to grow past this dependency. 

“Don’t you like dancing with me?”

“I do,” he says honestly.

“So let’s have another amazing show together, what’s the harm in that?” 

The harm… There isn’t really much harm to it all but Jihoon doesn’t like that Soonyoung keeps weighing all his expectations and plans on whether or not Jihoon will be there. 

“I’ve performed without you before, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says as if reading his mind. “The show I did with Chan? Did you see it?” Jihoon nods. It was great. A lot more hip hop and technique than emotional value but it was overall very satisfactory. “I love performing with you the most. It feels good with you… We learn at the same pace, we think along the same lines and you know perfectly how to match me,” he comes closer as he says it all. “We can use one of your songs or we can make a new one. Slow, fast, in between, anything you want. Just please. I want to feel that again…” 

Jihoon watches him for a few seconds and sighs, pushing him slightly off to give him space to go to the center of the room. 

“It’s your show, isn’t it?” He says meeting his eyes and stretches out his hand, upturned and open just for him. “Then take the lead.”

★

Their practices start somewhat like last year’s – except this time there’s much more teasing and touching and some kissing too which Jihoon nearly has to ban for the sake of productivity. 

Soonyoung wants something dramatic and Jihoon indulges, close proximity scenes easier to handle now that they’re more used to each other’s bodies and have overcome any of the previous tensions. He offers the idea of two lovers, a lost soul, a reunification but Jihoon says it’s too similar to their first performance. 

“Last time it was a chase though, enemies to lovers… Here it’s lovers – separated – reunited. Meeting again in rebirth. Again and again. You know… Yearning.”

They’re sitting in the middle of the dance room and Soonyoung is writing all of this on a notepad over his knee and Jihoon really has to appreciate his creativity. He draws both of them as circles all over the page with arrows to dictate the possible positions and Jihoon angles his neck to figure out what’s going on but he gives up soon after. 

“Yearning,” he repeats eventually.

“When you both want to be together but just can’t breach the… Chasm. You know? All that space between each other.” 

“Hmm.”

“But in this case…” He chews on his lip looking at his notes and Jihoon tries to help. 

“Like two lovers meeting again in a new life.”

“Exactly!”

“Separation and rebirth, finding each other again.” 

Soonyoung’s eyes are wide and excited when he looks up at him. “Trying again and again until they finally do because their bond was _ that _ strong.”

“Okay… Okay.”

Soonyoung stands up sliding his notebook aside and grabs Jihoon’s hand to pull him up with him. 

“Let’s say we start as lovers,” he tangles their fingers together and doesn’t break eye contact. “It’s a happy tune, like a waltz,” he puts one of his hands on the lower dip of Jihoon’s back and starts leading and it’s almost uncanny how strongly the memories from a few years ago come back. They were still underclassmen back then, Soonyoung felt more equal then even if he was a little behind but now… Soonyoung has grown so much since then “Then the music grows darker and we start separating, I try to catch you but I can’t,” he says and Jihoon tries to escape his touch and spins when Soonyoung attempts to reach him. “Yes, good, you’ll have a solo part on the upper stage while I fall away.”

“It can’t be forced though, I didn’t run away right? I wanted to stay but I couldn’t for whatever reason." 

“Until we’re reunited.”

“In a second life.”

Soonyoung is smiling like he’s thinking about something more and Jihoon can’t find it in himself to ask. 

“Then my solo starts – it’s slower. You don’t know what’s happening, but I’ve realized. So I’m wandering,” he narrates as he improvises across the room. “I wander and wander, until I see you – but you don’t remember me.”

“God, you’re dramatic.” 

“Shut up!” He flushes. “People like heavy emotions!” 

Jihoon smiles and meets his eyes. “You try to chase me, but I don’t remember you.” 

“You’re trying to look for me, but you don’t recognize me,” he’s walking towards him now and when he gets close Jihoon jerks away from his touch. “We’ll work on this, but it’s another dance, until I…” He reaches for his cheek, the back of his fingers touching lightly and Jihoon closes his eyes. “And suddenly you remember. We’re reunited.” Jihoon’s eyes are still closed when Soonyoung kisses him softly on the lips and he lets out a small sigh. 

“Is that a part of it?”

“Only if you want it to be.”

Jihoon shoves him gently and when he opens his eyes again, Soonyoung isn’t really smiling – just looking at him. 

“I think we make the best team.” 

“I know. But you’re pretty amazing on your own and you should be aware of it.” 

They’ve had this conversation before, countless times it feels. Soonyoung nods, pulling away and Jihoon wonders if he’s hurting him each time he says that. He doesn’t mean to, it’s just reality. Jihoon isn’t meant for the dance world the way Soonyoung is, they can’t be partners forever if he wants this to be his future. This is going to be their third performance together which is already a bad idea considering Soonyoung needs to establish himself as an individual dancer in his last two semesters. 

Jihoon tries not to think about it too hard. He already agreed and they have a good idea. Even if Jihoon is leaving this world behind, he can at least help push Soonyoung forward to thrive in it. 

“Every time you say that,” Soonyoung speaks first, sitting back down on the floor to jot down notes. “You’re thinking about yourself. I love dancing with you, that’s all. It’s not that deep.”

“You’re not growing if you’re only staying with me.”

Soonyoung still looks at his notes. “You don’t think we help each other improve?” Jihoon can’t deny it. “Is it so hard for you to accept that it’s okay not to do everything on your own. We can be a team in more ways than one.” 

“Your future can’t be about me. I’m not–” He stops talking when Soonyoung looks up and he waits to see what Jihoon wants to say. 

“You’re not what?” He asks finally.

Jihoon keeps his mouth shut. _ I’m not worth it_, he wants to say but even in his head that sounds dramatically self-pitying which he isn’t a fan of. Doesn’t help that his thoughts go there anyway. 

“I’m not going to be a dancer.” 

“Because of your height?” 

“Soonyoung,” he warns. 

“Because of me?” 

“Maybe because I don’t want to be!” Jihoon’s voice is too loud in the silent room and it surprises both of them. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a step back. Soonyoung realizes he’s about to leave so he gets up quickly, but Jihoon is quicker. “Don’t,” he warns and barely remembers to grab his phone from the chair by the door before he leaves. 

★

Soonyoung: _ where are you? _

It's over an hour later when he gets the text. Jihoon is sitting on Wonwoo’s couch and he groans loudly throwing his phone aside. 

“Was that Soonyoung?” Wonwoo asks from where he’s making them tea in the kitchen. “You don’t have to answer but I bet he’ll text me next.” 

“Are you going to tell him I’m here?” 

“I think you two need to talk. Running away isn’t good, especially since…” 

“Since _ what? _” 

“You already have a rocky relationship.” 

“We do not!” 

“Jihoon, calm down–”

“Don’t tell me to calm down.” 

Wonwoo only looks at him before Jihoon leans back on the couch and groans again, even louder. 

“I’m the worst. I really ruin everything, don’t I?”

“Stop saying that.” 

“I can’t do anything right.”

“Where is this coming from?” 

It’s true Jihoon doesn’t really talk like this ever. But maybe something about Wonwoo’s calm demeanor and them knowing each other for so many years makes it easier for his insecurities to slip out of his mouth. His fingers press against his eyes and he’s somehow aware that Wonwoo is texting Soonyoung back and when he lowers his hands Wonwoo puts his phone away. 

“You told him.” 

“I think you should talk to each other. He’s already downstairs by the way.” 

Jihoon only sighs and doesn’t move until he finally pushes himself off the couch and mutters a quick thanks before he leaves the apartment. 

Soonyoung is sitting on the stairs of the building entrance and doesn’t move when Jihoon sits quietly next to him. Jihoon’s bag is on the step below them and Jihoon’s heart is too heavy for his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” he says first.

“Mmm… Didn’t expect a first apology from you.” 

Jihoon doesn’t know what to say to that. Soonyoung sounds… Mad. Sad. Both. Betrayed?

“I don’t want to go in circles with you,” Soonyoung says, eyes on his hands pressed together in the space between his knees. “But I feel like I’m not reaching you. Like I’m just on the surface… I like you, Jihoon. I think I might even be in love with you. But I feel like I don’t know you.” 

It’s surprising to Jihoon considering he always thought he made himself quite open to Soonyoung and it’s Soonyoung who won’t take the step forward. He doesn’t know what to think about the love part yet. The thought alone burns his eyes. 

“What do you want to know about me?” 

“Why do you keep running away?” 

Jihoon can’t even deny it. “I don’t mean to.”

“It just happens?” Soonyoung looks at him and then away as soon as their eyes meet. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No. You’re great, as always.” At least that seems to make him relax just a little thankfully. “You think too highly of me, Soonyoung,” he says then, too quietly. “I’ll only disappoint you. I’m good at that, not meeting expectations.” Soonyoung’s chin wrinkles when he purses his bottom lip and he actually looks pissed about that. 

“I hate when you say that.” His voice shakes when he says it, low and honest. 

“Me too,” Jihoon admits. “I don’t like all this self-pitying. But I’m also aware of my limits, what I’m good at and what I’m not good at. You think I’m amazing at anything. It’s just not true.”

“I know you’re bad at many things, Jihoon, don’t flatter yourself.” Jihoon holds his breath. “But is it so bad that I think you’re fucking amazing too? What’s the problem with me thinking you’re an amazing dancer? You spent nearly two decades working your ass off dancing, shouldn’t someone think that of you?” He’s holding his fingers tightly with his other hand as he speaks. “You taught yourself music, found yourself a whole new path because nobody told you enough how great you are… You’re a hard worker. If you want to be good at something, you’re _ great _ at it. Of course I think you’re goddamn amazing!” 

“Soonyoung–” 

“Don’t tell me to stop. Clearly you don’t hear enough of any of this,” he swallows and his throat bobs noticeably and Jihoon stays silent. “When I first came to this school I wanted to meet you because I heard such great things about you and from that moment on you never disappointed me, Jihoon. Never.” 

“I’ve hurt you.” 

“That’s different.” 

“It’s not.” 

“Yeah, well. Maybe try not doing that again.”

“And if I stop loving you?” 

Soonyoung lets out a silent laugh and his hands finally relax. “I wasn’t aware you already love me.” Jihoon’s teeth press together and Soonyoung looks at him. “That wouldn’t be a disappointment. That’s just heartbreak. But that’s different. We were never talking about that. You’re talking about not dancing with me because you think you’re not good enough or thinking you’re not worth it for me to even take that risk. But you _ are._ That’s what I want you to know.” 

“Why do we keep coming back to these conversations?” Jihoon whispers after a little while.

“Because we didn’t talk enough about it in the last few years,” Soonyoung says and he makes good sense. “Also because Heejin and I talk about you a lot.”

“What does she say about me?” 

“That you’re insecure.” 

“Well, thanks.” 

“I didn’t believe her at first. But I think I know what she means now,” he watches him from the corner of his eye. 

The door behind them opens and Jihoon almost forgot that they’re sitting on the steps of Wonwoo’s building. It’s a couple, a guy and a girl, and they stumble down the stairs nearly hitting Jihoon and apologizing, giggling, but ultimately too occupied with each other. 

“I don’t think I’m that insecure,” Jihoon says finally. “I’m not really too concerned with what people think about me. I’m pretty satisfied with myself – my skills, my height, my looks... But it’s still hard for me not to be afraid to disappoint everyone around me. Because me being confident about it isn’t enough right? It needs to be approved.”

“What do you mean?” 

“My first internship was a dance photoshoot,” Jihoon starts, slowly. “They made me undress.” 

“_What?! _” Soonyoung nearly falls down the stairs with how quickly he gets up and Jihoon grabs his hand standing up. 

“Calm down.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“Let me finish! It wasn’t that big of a deal. Just some topless photos but they were… Well let’s just say it was personal desire and not professional.” 

“Did you tell anyone?!”

“No…” 

Soonyoung fingers going to his hair. “Jihoon!” 

“Can you lower your voice?” Jihoon begs looking around and Soonyoung sits down again, hands covering his face.

“I’ll kill them.”

“Just listen. Please.” Soonyoung doesn't say anything, breathing heavily into his palms. “I saw you that night on my way back. I thought… This is what I should’ve looked like, to match what everyone wanted of me. I recommended you to our school and it felt good that I found someone who could meet the expectations I never could. I wasn’t even aware of it back then but now that I think about it… You were the perfect person to replace me. The ideal version of what I never could be. So it’s weird to think that in the end you’d still come back to me. You’re a version of me, but better. How could you like me? Want someone like me? How could I ever meet _your_ expectations?”

Soonyoung’s shoulders are shaking and Jihoon is suddenly aware that he’s crying. 

“Soonyoung… Please don’t cry.”

“I can’t,” he’s still shaking. “I’m so mad. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help you.”

He puts his hand on Soonyoung’s arm to steady him. “You help me. So much. I just want to explain myself a little. That’s all. You… You do everything right, all the time. You make me confident and you are patient and you treat me well. I’m just scared sometimes that the image you have of me is clouded. Biased.” 

Soonyoung’s folds his arms across his knees and he lays his forehead on top. His eyes are closed. Jihoon stays quiet, waiting. 

“You’re wrong but for what it’s worth I’m happy we had this conversation,” he says finally. 

Jihoon lays his palm on the back of his neck and Soonyoung lets out a small sigh when Jihoon’s thumb runs along his skin. 

“I worried about it too, you know? I liked you so much I thought it blinded me. But every moment with you makes me so happy… It’s been a few months now and the feeling only grows. So believe that, okay?” His voice breaks a little and Jihoon lowers his head onto his arm. 

“Okay.” 

They end up walking home to Jihoon’s and Jihoon buys them convenience store dinner on the way even though Soonyoung wanted to treat him to real food. 

“I want to go home.”

“I can order us something.” 

“I’m not that hungry.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t argue so they eat rice balls and spicy ramen and Jihoon smiles finally when Soonyoung gets too sweaty from how much his mouth burns. 

They shower one after the other and by the time Soonyoung is done Jihoon is already under the covers waiting for him. When Soonyoung slides into bed it’s a comforting feeling, he still looks sad, brows drawn low and not really meeting Jihoon’s eyes, but Jihoon is strangely happy. 

“I’m glad we talk about all this. I’m sorry it upset you,” he says when it’s just them two in the dark facing each other.

Soonyoung’s sigh is light and minty and as soon as their fingers touch in the dark, Jihoon is the one to lean in, deepening the kiss when Soonyoung’s lips part to let him in. 

“I’m glad too,” Soonyoung says and Jihoon lays his head down onto his shoulder and sleeps. 

★

The days pick up pace after that. Jihoon is mostly busy with music work and theory, while his evenings are either with Vernon at the music studio or practicing with Soonyoung. Their recital moves along well – it’s emotional and gorgeous, slow at some parts and quicker in others. Jihoon is working with Vernon to create the two melodies and Soonyoung stops by when he can, explaining the tune he’s thinking of. 

“That was really cool,” Vernon says one day when Soonyoung goes downstairs to get the food they ordered. 

“What?” 

“You know exactly what he means, it’s almost creepy. I don’t think I understood one word he said this whole time.” 

Jihoon swallows. It’s true Soonyoung uses weird noises instead of proper words to explain what he wants but surely it’s not that hard to understand him?

“No need to look so stressed, I think it’s awesome. Means you're compatible as hell,” he grins, nudging Jihoon. 

They work a little after eating and then Vernon leaves since he has an early morning class but Soonyoung waits for Jihoon who wants to finish at least one more song before they go home. Jihoon has his headphones on trying to get work done as quickly as possible and it’s nearing one by the time he’s satisfied enough to shut off his program. He turns around to check on Soonyoung but he has fallen asleep on the couch, hand over his phone on his chest. 

Jihoon shakes him awake softly and takes his other hand that had fallen to the floor. 

“Let’s go home,” he whispers when Soonyoung’s eyes drift open. 

“What time is it?” 

“Almost one.” 

Soonyoung lets out a soft groan and sits up slowly. “You work hard.” 

“So do you.” 

“Take the compliment.” 

Jihoon smiles and lets go of him to collect their things while Soonyoung stretches before helping pick up all the trash and they make their way home. 

“Are you sleeping over?” 

“You can sleep at mine, it’s closer.”

Soonyoung’s dorm is of course closer to campus but his bed is too small for two people and the few times they slept there… Jihoon isn’t really used to being that close to anyone but Soonyoung looks like he’s walking half-asleep so he agrees, fingers intertwining with Soonyoung’s. 

It’s late October now so by one in the morning it’s considerably chilly outside. Soonyoung notices Jihoon’s cold fingers immediately and glances at him. 

“Please wear a jacket next time?” Jihoon nods. 

The cold is nice because the small bed doesn’t feel as cramped with the window slightly open and a chill coming in that makes it cozy to cuddle closely. Soonyoung kisses his shoulder a few times but doesn’t push farther than that probably because he’s too sleepy and Jihoon stays quiet remembering the last time they slept in that bed together. He’s pretty sure if he stretches over to open the drawer of the bedside table he’d find half-empty lube and maybe a few condoms and the memory of his fingers sinking into Soonyoung is suddenly too vivid. 

Surprisingly despite Soonyoung’s intense sex drive, it took them a while to reach actual... Penetration. Jihoon was too embarrassed to try anything with Seungcheol at home so at first they only attempted at the dorm around a month ago but when Soonyoung got too loud Jihoon never got to the actual getting inside of him part. Then Seungcheol went on a weekend trip with his girlfriend and Jihoon told Soonyoung himself – now or never – and of course Soonyoung couldn’t say no to that. 

Since then… Well they’ve had sex pretty regularly. They even tried at the studio a few times when Soonyoung mentioned Sooyoung out of jealousy again. It’s good. The sex. Jeonghan was right when he said sex with feelings is much better… They laugh more. They kiss more. They talk more – sexy and adorable and everything in between. Plus Soonyoung takes it all very well and all too eagerly and is always willing. He’s been the only one receiving so far… Jihoon wouldn’t mind trying either but he feels stupidly shy to ask for it.

He sucks in his lips when Soonyoung breathes in too deeply, shifting to put his arm around him, already deep asleep. Jihoon thought he’s getting braver but really he still has a long way to go.

★

By early November their music is ready and so is most of their recital. They show it to Jeonghan and Minghao for peer evaluation and they both approve quite positively. 

“You two have really good energy,” Minghao says after staying expressionless throughout the whole performance. 

“I’d prefer even more intimacy. No need to be shy,” Jeonghan adds with a smile and then gets up to fix a few of Soonyoung’s more technical issues. Afterwards he looks at Jihoon and pats his head. “You’re perfect as always, Jihoonie.” 

Jihoon stiffens when Jeonghan says that and doesn’t meet Soonyoung’s eyes, instead listening patiently when Minghao suggests a few stage positions and emotional depth in some of the solo scenes. They perform again for them and when the seal of approval is given they leave while Jihoon stays behind to practice a bit more with Soonyoung. 

Neither of them mention Jeonghan’s comment but they’re both thinking about it. _ You’re perfect as always, Jihoonie_. Why does Jeonghan always know the best and the worst things to say? It’s like he does it on purpose. Seungcheol must’ve told him about their argument or maybe Jeonghan really is some scary mind-reader. 

“Are you thinking about what Jeonghan said?” Soonyoung asks when Jihoon is clearly too distracted to keep practicing and Jihoon for once wonders if Soonyoung is a mind reader too. 

“You must’ve loved that,” Jihoon says a little too bitterly but Soonyoung only smiles. 

“Well, I do agree with him.”

“Of course you do.” 

Jihoon is treading dangerous waters again, he really has no business constantly starting arguments. It’s like some weird self-defense mechanism he developed when he met Soonyoung – this perfectly nice guy is kind to me? I must deflect. He really hates himself sometimes. 

When their eyes meet, Soonyoung is still smiling patiently at him and Jihoon leans in to give him a short kiss. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” he warns leaning away but Soonyoung doesn’t stop smiling. As always. How frustrating… 

Jihoon sighs. “Are you hungry?” He asks then, just to distract him and Soonyoung nods eagerly so they collect their things and go find somewhere to eat for a late dinner letting Jeonghan's words slip away. 

★

The first snow falls on the eve of Jihoon’s birthday. Soonyoung is in bed with him, palms warm on his skin and eyes on the window when he smiles tugging Jihoon’s chin sideways before he can reach him for a kiss. 

“It’s snowing.” 

“Hmm,” Jihoon hums, more interested in kissing Soonyoung as he leans in for a small peck on his bottom lip before he kisses fully while he has his fingers working him open lazily. It’s so familiar at this point – the way Soonyoung raises his knees high and tilts his head back, fingers deep in his hair scratching lightly at the scalp. Jihoon uses one hand to stretch him and another under his knee to push his legs apart, easily and willingly. Soonyoung smiles when he feels Jihoon hard against his thigh. 

“Happy birthday,” he whispers against his lips and Jihoon only murmurs a quiet thanks before reaching for a condom and rolling one on. “Do you want to do anything new since it’s your special day?” 

Jihoon looks over at him. “What?”

“I could go on all fours?” He asks, still raising his hips by habit when Jihoon grabs a pillow to put under his lower back.

“That’s not new,” Jihoon reminds him with a kiss. 

“Or maybe I could fuck you?” Soonyoung suggests and Jihoon stills for a moment. 

“I already stretched you out though.” 

“Is that a no?”

Jihoon is still hovering over him. “I… I wouldn’t mind.” 

Soonyoung smiles, leaning back down, legs spread waiting for Jihoon to enter. “Interesting.”  
  
“Why?”

“I wasn’t sure you’d ever agree.” 

“You never asked.” 

“I didn’t want to push it.” 

“How can you push anything if it’s never brought up.” 

“Well you never offered.” 

“Because I enjoy fucking you.”

Soonyoung lets out a sharp breath, smiling as always. “If you talk like that you better get inside.” 

Jihoon groans and pushes one of Soonyoung’s thighs up, noting the bruises on his knees and calves that never disappear. Hard worker, he thinks peppering kisses over the bruised skin. When he’s right at Soonyoung’s entrance he stills, watching him. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung groans.

“Why did you never ask?”

He whines. “Not right now.” 

“You’re the one who brought it up.” 

“Because I’m horny! And I want us to do something special on your birthday!” 

“You know this is our first time celebrating my birthday together.“

“Jihoon, I can literally feel your cock against me. _ Please. Get inside of me._” 

Jihoon’s cheeks feel stupidly hot when Soonyoung says cock. Somehow he can never get used to that. Or Soonyoung’s face flushed and nose scrunching slightly when Jihoon thrust deep right from the start. How can he want all fours when he misses out on all this… Soonyoung’s face is expressive as always, arms pulling him close and hips meeting with every thrust and he has a point in offering to top as a birthday present because Jihoon already has a taste of how well those hips can thrust and if he’s on the receiving end.

Jihoon comes first and wraps a hand around Soonyoung to take him with him and Soonyoung is loud when he follows, hand grabbing the edge of the bed, legs tight around him. 

“You’re insane,” he whispers and Jihoon kisses him lightly as their breaths settle. 

“Why did you never ask before?” 

“Can you at least get out of me first,” Soonyoung whispers and Jihoon does with a small chuckle, throwing away the used condom and bringing a small towel he keeps in the upper drawer with his socks to wipe Soonyoung off. 

“So?” He asks then. 

“You won’t like the reason. 

“Try me.” Then he changes his mind. “Unless it’s because of the weird thing.” When Soonyoung stays silent Jihoon grows angry. “How many times–”

“As many as I need,” Soonyoung says. “Sorry. That shit really sticks with me.” 

“Is fucking me what it’s going to take to believe I don’t find being with you weird?”

“Don’t say it like that…”

“Isn’t that what you mean?” 

“Heejin says–”

“I’m not dating Heejin, Soonyoung!” 

“Jesus, I know! Can you not yell? We can have a normal conversation about this.” 

Jihoon sits up rapidly, as if ripping himself away and Soonyoung follows suit, hand on his forearm to keep him from getting up entirely. 

“Calm down. Please? It’s not that deep… Of course I know you’re okay with us dating, I’m quite happy about where we stand on that. I just never want you to do anything you don’t want.” 

“Just say it took you four months to get the courage to ask if I’m comfortable with taking dick up my ass because you think I might be homophobic.” 

“Jihoon!” 

“What?” Soonyoung actually looks pissed at him and Jihoon for once feels bad. “Well, someone had to say it.” 

Soonyoung groans, falling back onto Jihoon’s pillows, hands over his face and Jihoon winces. 

“You can be so difficult sometimes…” Soonyoung sighs and Jihoon freezes in place until he feels Soonyoung’s knee bump softly against his back. “Get out of your head. I just worry about you. I want you to be happy. That’s all… I never know if I dragged you into this relationship because of my own feelings.” Jihoon’s mouth opens and closes when Soonyoung sits up quickly to kiss his mouth shut. 

“My last free meeting with Heejin was last week,” he says then. “She said I made a lot of progress and even offered a discount if I want to keep seeing her outside of whatever the University provided me. I’ll have to think about it but… She said she thinks I’ll be fine for the last semester as long as I keep up a steady pace.” Jihoon stays quiet because Soonyoung never tells him about his therapy meetings. “It’s true she wasn’t your biggest fan at first but she..." He hesitates looking at Jihoon for a moment and then away. “She realized you’re probably also going through a lot of things we have no right to assume about but… Well it’s clear that they should be considered when discussing our relationship.” 

“Like my insecurities.” 

“Sure. Or maybe internalized–” He was going to say it but stops himself. “Doubts about sexuality at the very least. It’s something I had to consider before getting together with you, but also after. I’m trying to build a pace for myself, but I’m also trying to build a pace in this relationship for both of us. I have to match you.” 

“And I have to match you.” 

Soonyoung smiles. “Last week Heejin said we’re good for each other,” he says sheepishly. “I was really happy to hear that. She said we’re a good team, both professionally and emotionally. She still thinks we can talk about more things together that’s why… Well I finally decided to ask if you’ll take my dick up your ass.” 

He says it so seriously that Jihoon isn’t even sure if he’s joking until Soonyoung grins, their eyes meeting. 

“Fucker,” Jihoon mutters but it’s soft. “All this to get your dick wet.” 

“I really do want to make you happy. I can be selfish and I think a lot about my own future that’s why I want so badly for you to be in it but… I need to stop and consider your needs. That’s what I’m trying to do all the time. I guess when it comes to our sex life that’s where I decided let you have the most control since I’m open to anything.” 

“Hmm…” 

“What?” 

“I don’t get how your brain works.” 

“Shut up. I just… I never know what you want. So I wait for you to mention it first, just so I know you’re okay with it.”

Jihoon had noticed that… He guesses it’s a little on him that he never mentioned it in conversation either. “Ask me anything, Soonyoung. Any time. As partners – we match each other’s pace. Isn’t that what we first talked about?”

“Well if it helps this was the last thing I wanted to ask you.”

“Jesus. Are you going to tell Heejin I said yes?”

“I’ll text her about it,” he confirms. “But maybe not at two in the morning.” 

Jihoon stares at him. He actually took him seriously. “You’re ridiculous.” As usual, Soonyoung smiles.

★

Jihoon doesn’t want to do anything big for his birthday so they all hang out at his place and have an Avengers marathon with a drinking game Vernon found on Google. They add their own rules too – drink any time Seokmin and Soonyoung laugh too loudly a stupid joke, drink every time Wonwoo says a random fact, drink every time Jun checks his phone, drink every time Mingyu falls asleep...

“Drink every time Jihoon touches Soonyoung when he thinks nobody is looking,” Mingyu shoots back when Jihoon wakes him up for the fifth time in a row. 

“Well since it’s his birthday, he can do whatever he wants,” Soonyoung offers with a small smile and Mingyu closes his eyes leaning back on Minghao’s shoulder again muttering, _ drink all you want then_. 

Most of them stay over too, sprawled on the couch and floor and Wonwoo and Jun reserving the extra room for themselves as previous inhabitants or whatever Jun called them. In their own room Jihoon is buzzed and from how sleepy and flushed Soonyoung looks it’s safe to say he is too but he still lets Jihoon lay warm kisses on his skin, sucking lightly at his neck before their mouths meet. 

“Is your ass sore?” 

Jihoon leans up on his forearm, watching him. “A little…” Then he adds, brushing some hair off Soonyoung’s forehead. “But I liked it.” 

Soonyoung’s grin is cheeky. “Don’t worry, I got that.” Jihoon kisses him slowly, mouth opening wider when Soonyoung squeezes his waist. “Do you want more?” He whispers and Jihoon hums against his mouth making Soonyoung laugh. “Our friends are right outside.” 

“And you’re far too sleepy.” Soonyoung doesn’t disagree but Jihoon keeps kissing leisurely, hand exploring his torso, slow yet deliberate. 

“Jihoon…” 

“We’re just kissing,” Jihoon whispers innocently, thigh slipping between Soonyoung’s, pressing closer when Soonyoung’s hand slides down his back, brushing the bare skin above his sweatpants. 

“I still have a present for you,” Soonyoung says when they’re both getting steadily harder and Jihoon keeps kissing, ignoring that. “You want it now?” 

Does he look like he wants it now? 

Still, Jihoon leans back watching him for a moment and then nods. 

“Sure.” 

Soonyoung kisses his nose before he rolls off the bed and goes to look for something in his duffel bag. Jihoon remembers last year – Soonyoung showing up late to his birthday because he fell asleep with a microphone that cost way too much and suddenly he's just a little afraid. 

“Like you said it’s our first time spending your birthday together,” he says when he comes back with a poorly wrapped box. The wrapping paper has cats though. It’s cute. “First year we weren’t friends. Second year Seungcheol didn’t invite me to your birthday party. Last year I overslept so…” He looks nervous, watching the box in his hands instead of Jihoon. “I’m happy we got to spend today together,” he looks up at him. “Happy birthday Jihoonie.” 

Jihoon's face feels warm and he tentatively accepts the present Soonyoung offers him. 

“Did you wrap this?” 

“I wasn’t going to but Mingyu said I should.” Jihoon smiles a little. 

“I almost feel bad ruining your attempt.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Jihoon laughs a little before he scratches off some tape and carefully unwraps the present. 

“The cats are cute,” he mutters when Soonyoung says it’s okay if he rips it. The box inside is black and slightly cushioned. It’s fancy. “Soonyoung…” He whispers. 

“Just open it, you don’t even know what’s inside yet.” 

True enough… Jihoon looks up one last time before he clicks the box open. There’s a pretty synthesizer enamel pin inside as well as a Black Panther one. It’s cute. Simple. Somehow it makes Jihoon too happy. 

“Thank you, they’re pretty.” 

“See? Presents aren’t too scary.” Jihoon gives him a pointed stare before closing the box and kissing him. 

“I’ll put them on my backpack.” 

“Wherever you want.” Jihoon nods, heart tight in his chest. “I love you,” Soonyoung says with their noses nearly brushing and Jihoon’s sigh is shaky against his lips. “I hope we can celebrate many birthdays like this together.”

Jihoon’s forehead leans against his and he smiles feeling warm head to toe. “Me too.”

★

Winter arrives rapidly after that which Jihoon usually isn’t a very big fan of but it’s endlessly more enjoyable when Soonyoung will put their hands together inside his pocket to keep warm and give him heated kisses when Jihoon’s nose gets too red from the cold and always stays over to cuddle up close to him at night. Jihoon learns pretty quickly that Soonyoung is a very effective and gentle human furnace. It’s a lifesaver.

“Are you visiting your family?” Jihoon asks, about a week before vacation starts. Soonyoung is watching some videos on the couch at the studio while Jihoon is finishing his last commissions before break. 

“I think so. My mom wants me to come, it really has been a while.”

Jihoon nods, Soonyoung doesn’t look too happy about it all so he tries to say something encouraging. “It’s good to see your family after such a long time.”

“I hope.”

“I think I’ll also go home.” 

“Will you keep in touch this time?” Soonyoung smiles and Jihoon gives him a disappointed look before turning back to the screen. They spend way too much time together, Jihoon doesn’t think it would be possible for them not to talk to each other every day. 

“We’ll be just fine,” he says finally and when Soonyoung gets up to kiss the top of his head he knows he’s right. 

★

Jihoon was indeed right. Soonyoung calls every night and texts frequently throughout the day and Jihoon finds it very easy to reply to his photos with some emojis and encouraging words. It makes him too happy and it’s satisfying. 

The first time Jihoon doesn’t hear from Soonyoung though it’s about four days before Christmas. At first he ignores it, maybe he's had a busy day, so he texts him a few things but when it’s been several days without hearing back Jihoon grows concerned. 

Jihoon: _ please answer you’re worrying me _

“Is everything okay?” His mother asks. Jihoon doesn’t really spend much time with his parents but they do make sure to have at least one meal together every day. They’re having breakfast then and Jihoon is way too concerned about not hearing from Soonyoung overnight. Soonyoung might not be the quickest texter but he always makes sure to answer by the end of the day. Now it’s been two days.

“Soonyoung isn’t answering his phone.” 

“Maybe he’s busy with his family?” She suggests. Jihoon shrugs and goes back to eating but his appetite is weak. Maybe Wonwoo knows what’s wrong? He might have Soonyoung’s sister’s number too… Would that be too invasive? It’s only been a few days after all.

His phone vibrates suddenly and it’s a call from Soonyoung. 

“Can I?” He asks but he’s already up from the table, answering the call. “Soonyoung,” he says walking out to the porch. “Is everything okay?” 

Soonyoung is silent on the other end and Jihoon sits on the step, waiting. “I was worried,” he adds when Soonyoung doesn’t speak. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“My dad found out.” 

_ Ah… _

“Where are you right now?” 

“Home,” he says quietly. “I don’t want to be here.” 

“I can come–”

“No. No, it’s fine. I’m just…” 

“Did you talk to Heejin?” 

“No,” he says. “I don’t know what to tell her. He’s right.”

Jihoon’s heart squeezes tightly. “What did he say?”

“That I betrayed him. His trust. Our family. That I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“You’re still graduating with a Business degree…”

“I haven’t done any actual work for it though. What’s a degree going to do for me without any actual experience? All of my experience is in dance.” He sounds angry about it and Jihoon’s grip on his phone tightens.

“Is that really a bad thing, Soonyoung?” He demands. “For someone who wants me to continue dancing with him, you’re pretty set on throwing it all away quite easily even when it’s _ your _ dream.” Soonyoung’s sigh is loud and frustrated. “You’re an amazing dancer, Soonyoung. Extraordinary. Do your parents know that?”

“They don’t think–”

“Come here.” 

“What?”

“Come down to Busan. I want you to meet my parents.”

“Jihoon–” 

“You clearly don’t know anything about the dance world, Soonyoung. Let me show you.”  
  


★

That evening Jihoon and his dad drive to the Busan train station in silence. 

“So who is this boy?” 

“He’s the one I showed you in the summer. From Seungcheol’s performance.” 

“With the long legs?”

“Yes.”

“He’s a great dancer.” 

“He is.”

“What’s his name?” 

Jihoon sees Soonyoung come out of the station in his big coat and scarf and the familiar Adidas duffel bag over his shoulder. 

“I’ll go get him,” he says without replying and steps out of the car, waving at him. Soonyoung sees him immediately but he doesn’t seem too happy as he comes nearer. 

“Hey,” Jihoon says first and Soonyoung looks embarrassed. Like he can’t believe he let himself sink this low again. Jihoon reaches to push his chin up gently. “You’re going to be fine,” he tells him and gets back inside the car. 

“Hello,” Jihoon’s dad says first. 

“Ah, hi… Hello, I’m Kwon Soonyoung. It’s nice to meet you,” Soonyoung introduces himself shakily when they’re all inside the car and Jihoon’s dad turns in his seat to give him a handshake. 

“Likewise. I’ve heard a lot about you. You can call me Minhyuk.” 

Jihoon watches Soonyoung’s flush from the side mirror although it could just be from the cold. He looks away and they ride home without any further talking. 

“Soonyoung!” His mom greets them outside their house and Soonyoung is clearly speechless when he climbs out of the car. “I’m Jihoon’s mother, Dayoung. It’s nice to meet you, please come in.” 

Soonyoung’s glance at Jihoon is careful and Jihoon tilts his head towards the entrance before following Soonyoung inside. 

“You must be hungry. We’ll have dinner soon,” his mom promises and Jihoon feels unsettled by the way she watches Soonyoung with hungry calculating eyes. He almost thinks all of this was a mistake but the thought is fleeting. 

“Come on,” Jihoon tugs Soonyoung’s sleeve. “Let’s take your things upstairs.”

Soonyoung follows Jihoon in awestruck silence and Jihoon almost feels bad that he didn’t warn him. 

“You’re rich,” he says when they’re alone in his room.

“Hello to you too.” 

Soonyoung flushes rapidly. “Shit, sorry! I’m just…” 

“It’s fine. I don’t really talk about my family much. I think only Seungcheol really knows.” 

Soonyoung drops his bag and stands there in shock. “I mean I assumed you’re well off but…” 

Jihoon sits on his bed and waits to see if Soonyoung will finish his thought. 

“Did I ever tell you what my parents do?” He asks finally.

“Sort of…” 

“My dad runs the biggest theatre company here in Busan and my mom used to be the top Ballerina in Korea. Now she mostly produces shows though and teaches workshops all over the world. They’re both classically inclined but they’re pretty influential in the dance world as a whole, I already told you that if you need connections – you have them.”

“I’m not–”

“My parents already think you’re amazing. Especially my mom. Your body line alone has her salivating I swear.” Soonyoung makes a face and Jihoon laughs, getting up to come closer. “Just because this is a creative world, doesn’t mean it’s a dead end. You know how many people go the Business route and end up failing? Suits and offices don’t mean money. You’re amazing at this – that’s what matters. The passion and hard work. In this case especially your talent. So use it.” 

“Isn’t it cheating–”

“Cheating?” Jihoon demands, stepping closer. “That you’re good enough to get a Dance scholarship? That you’re good enough to impress my parents? That you’re good enough to impress _ me _?” 

From up close Jihoon can see that Soonyoung’s eyes are wavering so he leans away with a small sigh. 

“Let’s go get dinner.” 

★

Dinner starts off awkwardly. Nobody mentions that it’s Christmas Eve and his parents are polite enough not to inquire too much about Soonyoung’s family situation. At first the conversation is a bit slow but when Jihoon’s dad mentions dance, things start flowing more comfortably. 

Jihoon is mostly silent, watching from the side, and it’s pretty endearing to watch Soonyoung be a little awkward and shy when he’s not often like that and then seeing him turn bright when his mom says stories of her shows and the dancers she has met all over the world. 

“What do you specialize in then?” 

“Hip hop and contemporary mostly.”

“We’re doing a show this semester together,” Jihoon adds and his mom looks surprised at that. 

“Another one?” 

“Ah,” Soonyoung speaks up quickly. “I insisted.” 

“It’s preferable to switch partners in order to showcase the ability to work with new people, but you two have very good chemistry,” she says, taking a small sip of her wine. “May I see it?” Although she asks both of them, Jihoon knows the question is meant for him and Soonyoung also waits for Jihoon to reply. 

“Maybe not tonight,” he says meeting her eyes. “But tomorrow is fine with me.” She nods, satisfied, then asks his dad if the theatre is empty tomorrow while Jihoon looks over at Soonyoung and feels inexplicable satisfaction when he finally sees him smiling. 

★

The theatre is indeed booked for a midday Christmas show so they have to go there at eight in the morning to properly show their routine. Soonyoung is about to go in right away but Jihoon’s mom stops them with a scandalized expression. 

“Stretch, first!” Then she looks over at Jihoon exasperated and Jihoon smiles whispering to Soonyoung to calm down because he looks suddenly too worried. 

“She’s a technical professional, they’re always too harsh. She likes you though, don’t worry.” 

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I know my mom. She wouldn’t wake up at seven in the morning on a holiday otherwise,” he smiles cheekily and Soonyoung flushes a little shy again. Adorable. 

Once they’re warmed up enough, Jihoon shows two fingers to the assistant in the sound booth so they start the song in two minutes while they situate themselves on the stage. 

Their starting position is them facing each other from a few steps away and when their eyes meet Jihoon smiles. “Break a leg,” he whispers. Soonyoung’s nod is motivated and when he looks down his stance is rigid – prepared. Jihoon knows the eyes that will meet his again will be different – eyes of a true performer. He hopes his mother will see the same. 

The routine is roughly five minutes, two songs mixed together. Jihoon’s first part, running away and then Soonyoung’s finding him again before they come together. Since the theatre assistant was there that morning she even works the light for them and it’s exhilarating to perform together on the stage seemingly for real. It’s easy to forget that it’s really just his mom sitting in the audience when Soonyoung’s warm skin under his is far more real. Far more urgent. His eyes sharp and entirely on him, chasing him, wanting him, loving him. Jihoon feels dizzy with it. 

When they’re finished, Soonyoung is breathing heavily, palms sweating against his and they step away from each other when the lights switch back on. 

“Am I the first teacher you’ve shown this to?” It’s the first thing she asks.

“Yes,” Jihoon replies for both of them.

“Whose idea was it?” 

“Mostly Soonyoung’s.” 

“The choreography?”

“Also.”

“And the music?” 

“The music is mine,” he tells her and she actually smiles proudly at that, getting up from her seat in the second row. 

“Soonyoung, tell me about your idea.” 

“It’s about two lo–” He stops, embarrassed.

“You can say lovers,” she tells him and Soonyoung swallows nervously. 

“Right.” Jihoon watches Soonyoung as he explains and feels a little bad. They haven’t actually discussed if his parents know about them, Soonyoung is clearly careful about asking and Jihoon is good at avoiding. To be honest, there’s a good chance his parents figured it out but Jihoon is also sure they simply don’t care. 

“Your energy is quite perfect for the mood, but I’d love to see more emotion. We have a few hours, let’s try again? Jihoon I want more facial expressions and Soonyoung try to be aware of your whole body, even the way the tips of your fingers react has to be one with all of you.” 

Soonyoung stutters into a nod and then they start over – Jihoon’s mom stopping them every few moments to fix a position, or Jihoon’s face, or the way Soonyoung tilts his head. 

“I’m very impressed,” she tells them when the assistant announces that they need to clear out in the next fifteen minutes. “You’re an excellent dancer,” she tells Soonyoung. “Your body is ideal for classical, but your energy is perfect for contemporary.” Soonyoung stands still afraid to say anything wrong but there’s a high flush on his cheek that’s more than the outcome of a couple of hours of dancing. 

“Let’s go home,” she says when Soonyoung is too dumbfounded to answer. “We can practice daily while you two are here.” 

Soonyoung’s eyes are wide when he bows. “Thank you so much!” 

There’s a small smile on her lips and Jihoon doesn’t often see his mother smile like that. “It’s no problem at all,” she tells him and Jihoon knows she means it. 

At home Jihoon showers first then comes downstairs to help his mother with lunch. He doesn’t usually, but he wanted to see what she thinks of Soonyoung. He cuts the vegetables for her and doesn’t ask anything but there’s a small smile playing on her lips as if she knows that Jihoon is just too shy to. 

“I like him,” she says finally. “He’s an excellent dancer, I’m surprised he hasn’t been trained professionally. His potential is endless.” Jihoon nods, quiet. “Our Jihoonie is always so shy…” She sighs. “Are you truly never going to dance again, Jihoon?” She asks and Jihoon glances up at her.

Jihoon stays silent.

“Well, that’s better than a no.” Jihoon stops cutting to look at her and his mom glances back from where she’s rinsing the rice. “What is it?” 

“Is Soonyoung good enough for you to help him?” 

“Help him?” 

“I won’t be a dancer, we all know it. You must have connections and–”

“We aren’t a charity case, Jihoon,” she says with a small bite and suddenly his high strung mother is back and Jihoon swallows down the dull shame of even asking. “But Soonyoung’s potential is striking. He’s an amazing dancer, I’m very intrigued by him.” 

Jihoon lets out a strained breath. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

His mom doesn’t move, just watches them letting the water keep running. “So you aren’t going to tell me what that boy is to you?” 

“Like you said, I’m shy,” he tells her and when he meets her eyes he smiles sheepishly and by some Christmas miracle for the third time that day, she smiles back. 

Later that day Jihoon takes Soonyoung on a walk around his neighborhood. Busan is cold, but it isn’t freezing. Still, Soonyoung holds Jihoon’s hand inside his pocket and listens to Jihoon tell stories about any corner that holds memories. 

“You’re talking a lot,” Soonyoung points out when they stop by a coffee shop to get some warm tea. 

“Hmm. Well this is home.” Soonyoung nods but doesn’t say anything. “What is it?” 

“I never got the impression that you liked where you grew up, but I’m happy to see that you do.” 

Jihoon smiles into his scarf. “It’s not like I hate it, but it’s usually lonely. But now you’re here with me so…” Their eyes meet. “It’s better.” 

Soonyoung leans in, finger tugging down his scarf so he can kiss him right around the corner of the coffee shop where Jihoon worked his first summer job at sixteen in the middle of the hot blistering summer and too many iced coffees. It never felt as warm as this.

“Want to go down to the water?” He asks when Soonyoung leans away and of course he says yes. 

It takes about thirty minutes to get to the closest beach and once they do they sit on the steps, watching the waves break in the chilly weather, the sun just setting.

“Being at the beach in winter feels weird,” Soonyoung says all of a sudden. He’s barely been speaking at all. 

“Hmm?” 

“Feels like a summer thing.” 

“I guess. But it’s nice to hear the water and there’s less people.” They’re quiet again and Jihoon lets himself lean on Soonyoung’s shoulder, hands entwined between Soonyoung’s legs. 

“Are you going to call your parents?” He asks even though he’s been afraid to. 

“They texted me.”

“Did you text back?” 

“Not yet.”

“Did you tell them you’re coming?”

“I just said I’m leaving.” 

Jihoon knows he’s treading in unwanted territory, but they should talk about this. Isn’t that what’s most important? Communication. “What happened?” 

“I told you, my dad found out. Didn’t take it well. He was very angry. I didn’t want to be there anymore. My mom didn’t even say anything, just let him yell at me. It’s frustrating… I just want them to understand,” his hand tightly squeezes Jihoon’s but it doesn’t hurt enough for him to ask him to stop. He almost wants to bear it with him. “I want to dance Jihoon, that’s all I want to do.” 

“At least you’re finally admitting it,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung lets out a small laugh, nudging him. 

“I think Business is great. If I ever want to open my own dance company or if I want to manage my own work, it’s useful. But do I want to sit in an office? No. I love being on stage… Nothing compares to that feeling.” 

Somewhere deep down Jihoon perfectly understands that. Does he wish he was more perfect for dance? Sometimes. The feeling of warm lights on his face and the way the world drowns out and he can be in touch completely with his body and music. But realistically...

“I’m still going to finish my degree, but if my parents don’t understand that this is my passion… I don’t have anything else to tell them.”

His phone starts ringing right then, Jihoon can feel the vibrations through his pocket on his thigh and Soonyoung sighs before fishing it out.

“It’s my sister,” he says even though Jihoon can read the name himself. 

“You should answer.”

“Yeah…” He stares at the screen for a few more rings before he finally answers the call. “Hi, noona.” 

Jihoon looks away and tries not to eavesdrop although he can hear their conversation quite well. It’s mostly her worrying about how he’s doing and apologizing about how their parents reacted and Soonyoung’s answers are short and shallow and his head hangs low as he listens to her. 

“Please call them?” She asks. “Dad is harsh but he’s worried. He loves you, he just doesn’t understand.” 

Jihoon wonders if that’s not the first time Soonyoung has heard that and takes out his own phone just so he stops listening in.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says. “Okay. Okay… I will. Merry Christmas, noona. Love you too, bye.”

Jihoon is finishing his happy holidays message in their group chat they’ve kept since the summer when Soonyoung hangs up. 

“My sister says hi.”

“She knows you’re here?” 

“She took me to the train station.” 

“Ah… Does she know?” 

“Maybe. We haven’t discussed it,” then he pauses and asks the other important question. “Do your parents know?” 

“Probably. We also haven’t discussed it.” 

“Look at us.” 

Jihoon meets his eyes, smiling and Soonyoung cups his cheek with a warm hand and kisses him under the shade of a dormant palm tree. There aren’t many people on the beach but it still sends a rush through his chest to kiss Soonyoung so publicly. 

“Sorry,” Soonyoung whispers when he realizes Jihoon has stilled. 

“It’s alright,” he says and leans in to kiss him again just to reassure. “My dad is asking if we want a ride home, or we can walk.” 

“I’m good with walking.” 

Jihoon nods, getting up. “Same.” 

By the time they’re home the dinner is ready and Jihoon almost laughs when he sees the table. Sure his mom cooks but she never cooks anything this grand, not even for Jihoon’s birthdays growing up. There’s a warm tingle in his heart at the whole display – a hot pot in the middle of the table and ingredients all around waiting to be dipped in and cooked when they’ll sit down to eat. 

“Wow,” Soonyoung says coming in. “This looks amazing.” 

Jihoon’s mom smiles, flushed. “Oh it’s no big deal, please sit!” Jihoon meets his dad’s eyes and he has the same expression on his face, _ this never happens. _

The dinner isn’t only delicious but it’s lively too. Jihoon doesn’t remember the last time there was so much conversation at the table but his mom keeps asking Soonyoung questions and he’s friendly and charismatic enough that even his dad joins in and Jihoon as well even if it’s just to make fun of him a little when he gets too sweaty because he added too much hot sauce. 

“He doesn’t handle spicy food too well,” he says and Soonyoung flushes wiping carefully at his forehead with a tissue. His mom did always make the kimchi too spicy. 

“But it’s delicious!” 

“What are your favorite foods then?” She asks. 

“Oh, anything! I really eat anything…” He’s shy again mostly because he can’t stop sweating and Jihoon leans his chin on his palm just to watch him with a small teasing smile. “My mom makes the best jajangmyeon so if I’m homesick I’ll usually have that.” Ah… Jihoon didn’t know that.

“Do you like seafood?” His mom asks. 

“Yeah!” 

“Busan has lots of great places. Jihoon you should take him to that place near Jagalchi we went to last time you were here.”

Jihoon straightens out. “Sure.”

When they’re done with the food Jihoon helps his dad clear the table while his mom insists for Soonyoung to stay and talk to her a bit more. Jihoon isn’t too happy about that but his dad gives him a small pat on the back. 

“She likes him.” 

Yeah, that’s the issue. She always likes his friends too much. 

“He’s a good kid,” his dad adds, which distracts Jihoon entirely. He’s shy suddenly, like he doesn’t quite know what to say and Jihoon feels incredibly stressed at seeing his dad like that. “We don’t really talk about um, feelings? But your mother and I just want you to be happy, in any way you can be.” Jihoon stands speechless and slowly lowers the plates in his hands. 

“I–” 

“There’s more at the table, isn't there? Bring the rest, I’ll put it all in the dishwasher,” he says dismissing him. 

“Okay.” Jihoon’s heart thrums alive. He almost feels like this past day has been a dream. 

Back in the living room his mom and Soonyoung have relocated to the couch and she’s holding a photo album open over her lap. Oh fucking great... When he returns to the kitchen he mutters to his dad. “They’re looking at my baby photos.” 

“You know how long your mom has waited to show you off to someone?” His dad jokes and Jihoon swallows down the small nausea as he continues to clear the table. After he’s done he slowly approaches where they’re sitting on the couch and sees that they’re looking through elementary school photos now. 

“Mom…” He says desperately and she ignores him but Soonyoung meets his eyes with the biggest smile. 

“You were the cutest baby ever. So round!” Jihoon flushes and sits a little miserably next to Soonyoung holding the album as his mom points to each photo and mentions some embarrassing story. 

“He has always been shy! But at home he’d talk nonstop about everything, his favorite anime or some new toy he discovered, then he’d open the piano and play the same melody for hours,” she flips the page and it’s Jihoon’s first recital photos. 

“You’ve been performing for a long time...” 

“We’ve always wanted him to be a dancer,” she says matter-of-factly, without any hostility or disappointment. Somehow it makes Jihoon glad. “He was always outstanding at everything he does, that’s why we’re never too worried about our Jihoonie.” 

“Uji?” 

Jihoon flushes. “It’s my nickname,” he explains sheepishly. His family has always said “our Jihoonie” as Uji. Sometimes Jihoon forgets about it until someone new overhears. 

“Ahh,” Soonyoung sighs looking at him. “That’s so cute.”

“Our Jihoonie is the cutest,” his mom teases along with him and Jihoon wonders if maybe he really did wake up in a new universe. 

They keep looking at photos and Jihoon joins in to argue if his mom tells a too embarrassing story. They get to his first photos with Seungcheol and his mom as always asks if he’ll visit soon and Jihoon shrugs. 

The high school photos section is where Jihoon starts dreading all of this. Jihoon hasn’t changed much since high school – he leaned out and got rid of most baby fat by college but in terms of height…

“We have less photos here, it’s just school issued photos,” his mom hums. “Most of them are already digitized and Uji generally isn’t a big fan of taking photos.” Jihoon stays silent. As much as his mom wants to pretend to be a huge support, both of them know high school was a disappointment because Jihoon never grew the way she wanted him to. His mom didn’t want a reminder beyond simply seeing him in person. At least she’s not asking Soonyoung about his growth spurt. 

“How’s Jihoon in college?” She asks, closing the album.

“He was quite mean at first,” Soonyoung admits. “But we grew past that.” 

“Good. He’s a tough nut to crack sometimes.” 

“A little. But he’s kind when he wants to be, he helped me a lot especially since I’m not good at anything classical… I don’t know what I would’ve done without him these past few years.” Not to mention that Jihoon is the reason he’s dancing at all. Neither of them mention it, but Jihoon knows Soonyoung is thinking about it. 

She nods, happy to hear that and then Jihoon’s dad calls her over to the kitchen and Jihoon nearly says thank you out loud. 

“You really were a cute baby,” Soonyoung tells him when it’s just them two. “You haven’t changed much.” 

Jihoon’s heart beats loudly. “Shut up.” 

“I’m talking about your dimples,” Soonyoung says, touching the spot by his mouth. “When you smile it dips here. I guess it always has,” he’s smiling warmly and Jihoon turns away, collecting the albums to put them back in their place. They thank his parents for dinner again and go upstairs and ignore the futon in the corner of the room they haven’t even thought about unrolling.

“Do you want to watch something?” 

“I think I should call my parents,” he says instead.

“Okay. Do you want to call by yourself?” 

“I think so.” 

Jihoon gets up from his bed again and gives Soonyoung a quick reassuring kiss. “I’ll be downstairs.”

When he returns, his parents are talking quietly in the kitchen so he sits on the couch by himself and answers some texts from Vernon about commission stuff, asks Cheol if he wants to come hang out with them that week and even sees a text from Daniel inviting him to his party. The fucking New Years party… He ignores that text. 

Eventually, his parents join him and turn something on the TV and don’t ask why he’s there by himself. 

“Soonyoung’s talking to his parents,” he explains anyway because otherwise the tension in the room is too high with all the floating questions. 

It’s about twenty minutes later when Soonyoung texts him he’s done and Jihoon wishes his parents goodnight before heading upstairs.

“How was it?” He asks. Soonyoung is sitting cross-legged on the bed and the window is open letting in chilly air. 

“Sorry, it got hot.” 

“It’s okay… Are _ you _ okay?” 

“Yeah. It wasn’t so bad. They’re mad I left, but my dad said he shouldn’t have been so harsh. He asked to give him a few days before calling again but he wanted to wish me merry christmas so he’s glad I called.” Jihoon sits next to him and Soonyoung sighs when he’s next to him, his whole body deflates and he laughs lightly just to let out all the energy. “That was scary.”

“But you survived.”

“Miraculously.” 

“See? You can do anything.” 

“Shut up,” Soonyoung whines but he’s smiling when Jihoon’s fingers settle between his. 

“Want to watch something? Maybe it’ll distract you.” 

“Sure.” 

They play some random show on Jihoon’s laptop between them but it’s hard to focus when the tension from before makes him want to touch him. Be close to him. Just to make sure he’s really okay.

He looks at him, the lights from his laptop playing shapes on his face and when Soonyoung meets his eyes finally he kisses him, kneeing the laptop away and Soonyoung gasps in surprise. 

“Wait,” he whispers and closes the laptop, putting it carefully on the floor and Jihoon is already grabbing his neck to pull him on top of him, kissing open-mouthed and pliant as if he wants to show him how there’s all of him there for Soonyoung. 

“Your parents are downstairs,” Soonyoung whispers when Jihoon’s hand slips under his shirt to pull it off.

“Let’s not mention them.”

Soonyoung kisses his nose and down his cheek to bite lightly at his ear, hips coming down to press against his. 

“I love you,” he whispers in his ear and Jihoon’s heart flips, elated hearing it again. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d be just fine,” Jihoon says, but he’s smiling and Soonyoung leaves wet kisses down to his neck. 

“I don’t wanna be just fine,” he murmurs then returns to his lips. “I wanna be better than fine. I wanna feel amazing like I do right now. Because of you.” 

“Because you’re horny.”

“Because I love you. And you love me back.” Jihoon smiles watching him back and then his eyes close lightly, a small sigh falling from his lips. “You’re pretty, Uji…” Jihoon’s nose wrinkles and Soonyoung kisses it. 

“Will you say it back?” 

“I have.” 

“Boo. Like once.” 

Jihoon kisses him, knees coming up to press against his thighs. “Then you’re not listening.” Soonyoung settles on top of him comfortably and keeps kissing slowly, assuredly, their hips pressing lightly together until they get steadily harder and the breaths between them turn warmer, more urgent. 

“I wanna fuck you, but I don't wanna traumatize your parents.” 

“If you keep mentioning them you’re going to traumatize _ me. _”

Soonyoung laughs and cups Jihoon through his jeans and nibbles at his chin when Jihoon tilts his head back. 

“I love you,” he says again, lips brushing against his skin and Jihoon’s head lulls to the side, eyes meeting his. 

“Love you too,” he mumbles finally and maybe Soonyoung’s smile was worth it all. Again and again and again. 

★

“We should go on a date,” Jihoon mentions a few days later when they are lounging around in the living room while his parents are working.

“A date?” 

“We’ve never gone on one.” 

Soonyoung considers that. “You’re right, I never thought about it. And we’ve been dating for six months.” 

“Five months,” Jihoon corrects.

“Same thing.” 

Not quite, but Jihoon doesn’t argue. “We spend a lot of time together so I guess we didn’t notice. But it could be fun?” 

Soonyoung looks down at Jihoon’s head on his lap. “Okay,” he agrees and Jihoon smiles, taking out his phone to google the place. 

“That’s the restaurant my mom talked about near Jagalchi. I’ll make a reservation for seven.”

“Whenever you want.”

“Well, you should be free,” Jihoon deadpans and Soonyoung’s laugh is a cute giggle. Jihoon loves it. 

★

They head to the area of the market early to walk around even though it’s rainy and cold but Soonyoung won’t stop smiling which is nice when Jihoon’s shoes are soaked through and he feels a little miserable. 

“So our first date falls on the grossest day of the year,” Jihoon says when they’re sitting inside. At least the heating is on and the grill on their table is already warm.

“But if you count all our dinners as dates this is about the hundredth.”

“Hmm, true.” He orders for the both of them and Soonyoung warms his fingers over the hot plate until the waiter comes back and he takes it away smiling cutely at Jihoon. He really is like an overexcited child sometimes. 

It does feel like a regular dinner, they’ve had too many of these. They talk about their friends and what they should do for New Years. Jihoon’s parents have some corporate event so they’ll be home alone, maybe they’ll bake something. Have a movie marathon. Maybe a sex marathon... They can have sex as loud as they want… Jihoon smiles a little thinking about it and when Soonyoung asks what's on his mind, his smirk only widens. 

“Your mind is dirtier than mine, isn't it?” Soonyoung asks quietly, leaning over and Jihoon grins. 

Jihoon pays for dinner but Soonyoung pays for a honey cake and tea they get at a coffee shop before taking the train home.

“Did you like our first date?” Jihoon asks when they’re standing at the end of the mostly empty train. 

“It was perfect.” 

“Thanks,” Jihoon shifts so Soonyoung’s back is hiding them from the rest of the train and lets him kiss him. He’s pretty sure the guy sitting on their right noticed but he averts his eyes anyway, letting whatever stress he feels dissipate pretty quickly. He feels like he’s getting braver one step at a time. When Soonyoung meets his eyes, warm and trusting, he knows exactly who he has to thank for that. 

★

Jihoon’s parents take them to the train station a few days after New Years. They practiced one last time with their mother that morning and she actually clapped when they finished their routine. 

“It’s going to look amazing with proper lighting,” she says. “Soonyoung, your creativity is outstanding. Send me some videos of your dancing and your CV when you’re back, okay? I’ll share it with some people I know.” 

Soonyoung bows again. “Thank you so much!” 

“Of course. You have endless potential, Jihoon was right. Plus, you’re the only reason my son still steps on stage, I have a lot to thank you for.”

Soonyoung bows again and Jihoon watches him until his mom calls his name. 

“The songs are beautiful, too,” she tells him. “All of your music is heavy with emotion, it fits perfectly what the artist desires to portray,” she runs a hand through his fringe and Jihoon feels embarrassment stuck at the base of his throat. “I have high hopes for both of you,” she says and when she turns to collect her things Jihoon looks down to the floor so Soonyoung doesn’t catch his eyes wet with emotion. 

“Jihoon,” his mom adds then. “Could you drop these off at the office,” It’s just a few papers but Jihoon isn’t stupid. It’s probably her awkward way of getting herself alone with Soonyoung. Jihoon hesitates just for a moment but finally takes them hurrying up the stairs. 

He still hasn’t had time to ask what they talked about, but when he returned his mom looked satisfied and Soonyoung’s cheeks were red. Whatever that meant. 

Soonyoung thanks them again at the train station and he goes ahead to get their tickets and to give Jihoon alone time to say his proper goodbyes. 

“I like him,” his dad says first. “He’s quite the star. I look forward to seeing your performance.” 

“Thank you.” His dad nods and goes back to the car.

"Your father is always so awkward,” his mom sighs. “I like Soonyoung, too. Professionally he’s outstanding but he’s a great boy as well. He really loves you,” she adds and Jihoon looks away, feeling too warm. “Whatever makes you happy is good with me, Jihoon. Believe that.”

“It’s hard to sometimes,” he admits and his mom actually looks sorry for that. 

“We shouldn’t have treated you as a plan,” she says and Jihoon can’t stand having this conversation when his train leaves in five minutes. He feels sick. “You grew up wonderfully. We’re really proud of you, you became your own person, Jihoon. Sometimes it hurts that you feel so far away but… I’m happy I got to see you on this trip. Alone and with Soonyoung and performing with your beautiful music.” When Jihoon looks back at her she’s crying and he feels his own eyes burn. 

“Mom…”

She hugs him quickly, pressing close. “You’re always our Jihoonie. If you’re on stage, if you’re behind it, if you’re in love with music or if you're in love with a man.” She gives him a kiss on his cheek and lets him go. “Call us when you two arrive?”

“Okay.” 

“And tell Soonyoung to send me his videos as soon as possible.”

“Okay."

“I love you,” she adds, wiping a tear off his cheek and Jihoon didn’t even realize he’s crying. 

“Love you too.” She smiles and walks back to the car and Jihoon waves to his dad one more time before going inside the station. 

Soonyoung is waiting by the train and calls him over hurriedly. 

“Sorry,” Jihoon mutters once they’re on the train. 

“All good,” then he looks at him for a second longer. “You’re crying.”

“It’s the wind.” 

He hesitates. “Alright.” 

“What did you and my mom talk about this morning?” Jihoon asks when they’re in their seats. 

“She said that she’s helping me because of my skills and not because her son is in love with me.” 

Jihoon laughs, looking out the window and lets Soonyoung’s warm hand take his. 

“That’s all?” He asks when Soonyoung stays quiet. 

“A few more things. She’s really nice.” 

“Hmm… Yeah. She was never too mean but it feels like she changed.” Soonyoung raises their hands to kiss Jihoon’s fingers entwined with his. 

“Love you,” he murmurs and Jihoon meets his eyes and smiles. 

“Me too.” 

★

January as always feels like the quickest month of the year. Jihoon has endless interviews for job positions and all his free time is focused on finishing commission requests and practicing for his recital with Soonyoung when he has time. 

“You okay?” Soonyoung asks about a week before their show. How the tables have turned since last year… This time it’s Jihoon on the brink of exhaustion and endless stress. 

“End of the year is always hard,” he excuses and now he's graduating. Soonyoung, although about to start their warm up, leaves the music untouched and comes back to Jihoon.

“We don’t have to rush with practice. How was your interview this morning?” He asks, voice calm and reassuring.

“Good.” Soonyoung sits on the floor with him, their backs against the mirror. “I’d still prefer Bumzu’s company just because I know more people there but this place has a fair step by step experience – you start on the bottom and you climb up depending on the work you put out. The starting pay is great too,” his eyes close as he talks. He’s so tired. “They should contact me within the week and then I’d start with an internship until I’ve properly graduated in March.” 

“How much did you sleep last night?” 

“Not much,” his eyes open, a shy smile curling on his lips. “I was nervous.” 

“We don’t have to practice today.” 

“I’m busy for the next few days, we have to.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah.” Neither of them move.

“We can rest for a bit more,” Soonyoung offers and Jihoon’s eyes close again and he leans against his shoulder. 

“Thank you.” 

“It’s not good to wear yourself out.” 

“Right, since you’re the expert.”

“Shut up. Do you want to hear some tips Heejin taught me?”

“Hmm.” 

“When I get too busy each morning I’ll write a to-do list but I’d limit it to only three or five things depending on their urgency and time consumption. So let’s say – one would be laundry, then finishing an essay, then practice from nine till eleven only. The other two would be smaller tasks like calling my sister or seeing you.” Jihoon chuckles and lets Soonyoung slide their fingers together. “If I wouldn’t complete something I’d write why, but at a certain point I got good enough at planning for what I’m capable of and making sure I have enough time for it.”

“Aren’t to-do lists even more stressful?” 

“They work for me. I’m bad at organizing my head let alone my life. This way I can visualize it and also keep myself from doing too much.” 

“Do you still do them?” 

“I got used to it by now yeah… I have about five tasks everyday. I can’t handle too much work even if I want to, that’s just something I had to accept.” 

“And you don’t think I can handle it either?” 

“I didn’t say that, but I know what kind of headspace I enter when I’m too busy. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, especially not you. For example, I know my brain is useless if I sleep less than six hours even if I can dance on pretty much anything. So if I have a quiz or if I’m planning to write an essay or finish an assignment I make sure to sleep more.”

“Sleep is important.” 

“It is. That’s why you can rest, okay? It’s only six, we have plenty of time.” 

Jihoon’s eyes feel heavy and his hand squeezes Soonyoung’s in a silent thank you. 

“I might do some work if that’s okay, though,” he says quickly. “I know you sleep through anything.” 

“Of course,” he lifts his head to let Soonyoung go get his laptop. Soonyoung returns quickly and Jihoon leans against him again. He wonders if Heejin taught him more things – he’s like a different person than he was last year but perhaps the different amount of work he’s taking on now is the reason for that. He’s pretty sure Soonyoung has four academic classes, two dance classes, three shows as well as his teaching job. It’s still quite a lot. Jihoon’s eyes open briefly and there are about five word documents open on his laptop and a small sticker by his mouse with seven things in his to-do list. 

  1. Finish econ essay
  2. Check Chan and Yujin solo @ 3
  3. Send CV to J
  4. Outline Marketing project 
  5. Get eggs and milk!!!! + l&c
  6. Practice at 6 w Jihoon
  7. Make sure he sleeps!!!

He smiles and lets Soonyoung’s slow typing lull him to sleep.

“So did you complete your to do list today?” Jihoon asks later when they’re walking home around ten.

“Yes!” 

“Hmm. What about the milk and eggs?”

“Shit!” He stops remembering. “Wait how did you know?” 

“There was a sticker on your laptop,” he nudges him. “Making sure I sleep… There was not one thing there about your sleep.”

“Because I can take care of myself!” He says, flushed from the cold. Or maybe not just the cold.

“What did the ‘l&c’ mean by the way?” 

Soonyoung’s chin dips low. He’s definitely blushing. “I’m sure your smart ass can think of it yourself.” 

Jihoon looks at the ground and it really does take him a second. “Heh… You write that shit on your laptop for everyone to see?”

“So I remember!”

“You wouldn’t remember if I hadn’t told you just now.”

“Trust me I would as soon as we reach your place.”

Jihoon laughs loudly at that. “Is that why you wanted me full of energy? You’re sneaky.” 

“Of course not! Stop teasing me because I care about you!” 

Jihoon is grinning at him and Soonyoung’s hair is messy over his brows – back to black now which looks so pretty with his reddened cheeks. 

He leans up to kiss him and Soonyoung lets him. Kissing in winter is too much fun – the warmth of their mouths against the chilly wind. When he leans away he waits and Soonyoung looks back, confused. 

“You’re going to get the stuff or what?” 

Soonyoung quickly realizes they’re right outside a convenience store and he sputters flustered before going inside. Jihoon would go inside with him but they already made the mistake of buying lube and condoms together once, he doesn’t want those looks again. 

When Soonyoung’s back he’s still in the middle of stuffing the plastic bag into his backpack and there’s a paper bag he’s somehow balancing in his other hand. 

“For you,” Soonyoung says, handing it over and there are two steamed buns inside. 

“And for you.” 

“Naturally.” Jihoon grins and takes one out with the napkin provided. “I really do hate buying all this sex shit from teenagers. They either laugh or I’ve scarred them for life.” 

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Well, there was a sale so I got three bottles.” 

Jihoon looks at him mid-bite, then nudges him. “That’s your own fault then!”

Soonyoung only giggles and then cries because he bit too much and he burned his tongue. 

“Deserved.” 

“The lube is for us!” 

“Maybe don’t yell about it on the street…”

Soonyoung only whines. “It’s going to hurt to kiss you.”

Jihoon doesn’t mention it till they’re home and he asks to see his tongue and when Soonyoung shows it to him he leans in to kiss it before sucking the tip lightly, eyes on Soonyoung.

“Disgusting,” Seungcheol comes into the kitchen right then and Jihoon nearly falls over.

“Don’t listen to him,” Soonyoung says, all flushed and dark-eyed. “That was hot.”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon warns and Soonyoung kisses his cheek as if that will help. 

“How are you doing, Cheol?”

“Super. I think I have leverage over Jihoon for the rest of his life.” 

“If you think that’s the most scandalous thing he’s ever done with his mouth–”

“Soonyoung!” He tries hitting him but Soonyoung is quick to jump out of his way and then runs off to his room, leaving Jihoon alone with Cheol. Cheol smiles knowingly, sipping water he probably didn’t even actually want. “Fuck off.”

“Sex is a natural part of life and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Jihoon,” he doesn’t seem too serious as he says it though and Jihoon’s eyes narrows at him. “Plus I’m glad you two are enjoying each other sexually I was a bit worried considering I never hear anything.”

Jihoon just stares at him. Oh really…

“Well then,” Jihoon says with a smile and Seungcheol realizes his mistake. 

“Wait… Jihoon, wait!” 

In his room Soonyoung is sitting on the bed looking eagerly through the new lube bottles. “Look I got an oil one, I read they’re better if we want to try shower sex–”

Jihoon doesn’t let him finish, straddling him and kissing hard on the mouth before pushing his shoulders back so he lays down. 

“Wha–”

“You can be as loud as you want today, okay?” 

“But Cheol–” 

“It’s okay,” Jihoon’s mouth is quick under his jaw, biting lightly, making sure his canines brush against his skin the way he knows sends shivers down Soonyoung’s spine. His hands slip teasingly under his shirt and he pulls it off. 

“I haven’t even showered,” Soonyoung keeps saying as if he isn’t already hard beneath him. 

“I can tell.” 

“Jihooooon,” he whines. Jihoon doesn’t stop leaving wet kisses down his chest and sure he tastes a little of sweat but it’s not like Soonyoung doesn’t sweat regularly in bed. He tells him as much and Soonyoung whines again. “You make me sound disgusting.” 

“I like you the way you are,” he promises into his mouth and Soonyoung sighs. Jihoon kisses his chin and pulls down his sweatpants and underwear in a swift motion, then sinks onto his knees in front of the mattress and when Soonyoung is inside of his mouth suddenly the shower doesn't sound so bad anymore. 

“Jihoon… _ fuck _.” 

“Louder is good,” Jihoon kisses up his dick. 

“But–” He can’t finish because Jihoon swallows him whole, tongue on the underside of his cock massaging and then pulling out slowly, sucking hard on the tip. The groan Soonyoung lets out so loud and guttural that Jihoon can’t help but reward him by squeezing his balls softly. 

“Oh fucking hell Jihoon, oh fuck… Ahh…” _ Good_, Jihoon thinks and keeps sucking as Soonyoung grows louder and louder, so loud that even Jihoon is getting unquestionably turned on by hearing Soonyoung moan and whine and grab his hair tightly, sputtering words to urge him on until he’s gasping – _ I’m going to come right in your mouth help me fuck.. Fuck… H-How… You’re so good – _and then his voice breaks into the loudest moan he’s ever heard him utter as he spills without any further warning right over Jihoon’s tongue, fingers painfully tight in his hair. 

“Shit…” he whispers then and Jihoon doesn’t have time to lean up to kiss him before he hears from the living room.

“Fuck you Jihoon!” 

“Heh,” Jihoon giggles and kisses Soonyoung.

“You’re evil.”

“Shut up, you enjoyed it. Don’t pretend you weren’t putting up a show.” Soonyoung’s answer is a cheeky grin. “Good job,” Jihoon tells him with a smile of his own. 

“If you talk to me like that I can get even louder.” 

“Let’s shower first.” Jihoon says getting up, then gives Soonyoung a second glance, still naked on his bed. “Bring that oil lube.”

When halfway through the shower Jihoon hears their front door slam closed he looks down at Soonyoung still gasping from Jihoon’s fingers stretching him open under the water and the satisfaction is borderline cruel but it still feels too good. 

★

The afternoon of their show Jihoon receives a call from his interview saying he can start his internship as soon as February. 

“Jihoon!” Soonyoung kisses him as soon as he hears the news. “That’s amazing!”

“I just applied your makeup!” The makeup artist hisses and Soonyoung sits back down to get the powder fixed around his mouth, eyes on Jihoon. 

“Yeah, I have to go to their office tomorrow after class to sign all the papers.” 

“We have to celebrate!” 

“Stop talking!” The girl tells him and Soonyoung mutters an apology. “You’re next by the way, go change,” she tells Jihoon. “You’re late as it is.” 

“My parents wanted to take us to dinner after the show by the way,” he tells Soonyoung instead and when the girl glares at him he apologizes. “I’ll be right back.” 

By the time they can properly talk again, it’s twenty minutes before their performance. They’re sitting together – their costumes this year are more colorful. Soonyoung wears a dark burgundy suit but Jihoon’s is peach with his hair bleached white again. He was in the mood for a change as it is and this goes well with their concept too. 

“They put so much sparkles on you,” Soonyoung whispers, brushing his fringe away slightly and Jihoon tilts his head. 

“Oh yeah? You like it?” 

“Hmmhmm…” He leans close but Jihoon pulls away. 

“We’ll get yelled at.” 

“Whatever,” he murmurs too close to his lips and Jihoon lets him peck him once. 

“That’s it,” he warns and Soonyoung sulks briefly until Jihoon sneaks a quick kiss on his neck and grins when he pulls away.

“You two are truly disgusting.” Jihoon swivels his head to see Jeonghan smiling teasingly at them along with Seokmin whose eyes are sparkling in the shape of hearts. 

“Adoooorableeeeeeeee,” he says, stretching it out and Jihoon glares enough to successfully shoo them away. 

“I invited my parents,” Soonyoung says when they’re alone again. 

“You didn’t tell me that…” 

“I kind of did it on a whim.” Jihoon watches him closely. As always he pretends it’s a casual topic but the breath he takes in is slightly shaky. “I can’t imagine them actually coming so I didn’t want to worry about it.”

“I’m sure they will.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Do you want them to?” 

“I don't want to be disappointed.” Jihoon squeezes his thigh and Soonyoung gives him a nervous smile. “And anyway this is our last show together. I want to enjoy it.” At least he doesn’t sound bitter saying it anymore.

When they’re called for standby they stand together watching Jeonghan’s show with Seokmin and a few underclassmen Jihoon doesn’t know. It’s a pretty performance, heavily classical with a lot of mid-air movements that only Seokmin is strong enough to handle. As their song winds down, Jihoon tightens his hold on Soonyoung’s hand. 

“Break a leg.” 

“You too.” 

“Never say it’s the last time, okay?” Jihoon adds then which might not be the right choice of words because Soonyoung immediately looks too excited. “I’m not promising anything… I just don’t want you thinking this is some final act, but we should give it our all.”

“As always,” Soonyoung promises and Jihoon nods. 

When the lights dim and Jeonghan’s group clears off stage, Jihoon follows Soonyoung to their starting position and as they’re introduced through the comm he whispers against his lips, “I love you,” and Jihoon doesn’t have time to respond before the lights come on and the music starts.

Performing with Soonyoung… Jihoon could dance forever for this feeling alone. The energy between them courses so powerfully through his body. With the lights blinding, with the music loud and the stage just theirs, it really feels like they’re alone in the whole world. Jihoon’s eyes meet Soonyoung’s when the song starts like a heartbeat and then Soonyoung smiles, taking a step back and Jihoon follows as if by habit. 

They dance their small sweet duet, Soonyoung’s hand smooth on his waist, the back of Jihoon’s fingers on his cheek and their eyes don’t leave each other until the song grows deeper and then departure – tips of their fingers lingering before a separation and Jihoon turns around. Lost. 

He’s so used to the routine by now his body moves without thinking so Jihoon lets his mind get in character too - leaving Soonyoung, forgetting him, feeling lost without him, when he spins Soonyoung is hidden in the shadows and it’s easy to let his heart sink for his solo in the center and he gives it his all for real – every drop of emotion honest and pure and painful and every movement showcasing everything he’s worked for in the last nearly twenty years of his life. 

Is he really leaving it all behind? 

His part ends and he stills. The new song starts and his head feels so far away only resurfacing when it’s his queue to start walking down the stage – looking and trying to understand and feeling utterly lost. When his eyes burn he isn’t sure if it’s his acting or something else entirely. 

Soonyoung finds him again, their eyes meeting, and there’s a step back and another, and then his eyes closing when Soonyoung’s thumb presses against his forehead. A deep breath. And opening them again. 

Jihoon has been with Soonyoung alone enough times that he knows this isn’t quite the same but it still feels powerful. Like it’s really just them two alone in the whole world and not on stage in a theatre full of people. In front of him are Soonyoung’s eyes he knows so well, his soft fingers and pretty smile and his own cheeks feel warm but he doesn’t realize it until they’ve finished their rejoining duet that he was crying the whole time. 

The applauds bring him back to reality only slightly and then it’s Soonyoung’s hand pulling him to the front of the stage to bow and then off and then his face is between Soonyoung’s hands pushing him up gently to look at him. 

“What happened?” 

“Wh-what…” 

“You’re crying.” 

“I just got in character.” His mouth feels so dry. Soonyoung searches his eyes and there are people around watching them, so he wordlessly grabs Jihoon’s hand and takes them out of there until he finds an empty storage room in the dressing rooms hallway. 

“Did I ruin it?” Jihoon asks first. 

“What? Of course not! You were amazing!” Soonyoung slides his thumb under his eye. “We just never discussed crying so I… I was surprised. I'm just making sure you’re okay. You didn't hurt yourself right?” 

“No.” 

“I’ve never seen you cry before.”

Jihoon looks down. “Yeah, I don’t cry much.” Or at all. He doesn’t even remember the last time he did truly cry. 

“What were you thinking?” 

“I don’t even know. Nothing. Everything. I didn’t want it to be the last time. I’ve spent so long learning how to dance, being good at it, that knowing I might never dance like that again…” He doesn’t want to think about it. “When you found me I thought… I want you to keep finding me. Again and again.” 

Soonyoung kisses him instead of replying and there’s no need to worry about make up girl yelling at them so Jihoon lets Soonyoung pull him closer and closer, letting him kiss the corner of his mouth then up his cheek and over his closed eyes and back on his lips. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says.

“Neither am I.” 

“And whenever you want to dance again, you say the word.”

“Okay,” he’s so embarrassed. “I love you.”

Soonyoung’s surprise is a small laugh and then an open-mouthed kiss even as he’s smiling. “Love you too.” 

They only leave when they hear people moving in the hallway and luckily it’s busy enough that nobody notices. Or at least that’s what Jihoon hopes for. They take off their makeup and change back into their regular clothes and go up to the lobby to meet Jihoon’s parents and whoever else came to see them. 

Jihoon spots his mother first who immediately grabs his head to kiss his cheeks and then does the same to Soonyoung. 

“You two are so amazing!” 

“Really spectacular,” Jihoon’s dad agrees. 

“Was Uji really crying?” His mom asks Soonyoung not very discreetly. “We couldn’t agree on it.” 

“Jihoon hasn’t cried since he was seven and you sent him to that camp in New York.”

“Dad!”

“He did,” Soonyoung says without thinking and Jihoon glares at him. “He got really in character.” 

“Well I’m sure it wasn't all just acting,” Jihoon’s dad points out and even Jihoon’s mom is surprised he was that blunt about it. 

Their friends come by to tell them they did a good job too and Jihoon notices that Soonyoung is growing more anxious by the minute, looking all around the lobby. Jihoon searches his head for the right thing to say but that’s not really his forte so he asks his parents when they want to leave for dinner instead and then tries to bring Wonwoo into the conversation so they get Soonyoung a little distracted. 

Finally Cheol comes over and saves the day somehow even though he hasn’t really spoken to them since last week's incident.

“You two are really gross, you know! I can’t even be at home now without–”

“Seungcheol!” Jihoon’s mom looks far too happy when she sees him and Soonyoung actually laughs at the way Cheol pales. Sure he’ll make fun of them but he wouldn’t throw them under the bus like that in front of Jihoon’s parents. Thank god. 

“What happened?” Jun asks, excited, and Soonyoung is about to tell him everything when there’s a tap on his shoulder and Soonyoung turns around to find his sister. 

“Noona!” He seems happy to see her but Jihoon can tell he’s still quite tense. 

“Hi,” she greets everyone, then to Soonyoung. “Could you come with me please?” 

Soonyoung nods, telling Jihoon he’ll find him after and follows her out of the theatre. 

“What’s wrong?” Wonwoo asks. 

“He invited his parents to the show.” 

“Did they come?” 

Jihoon watches the exit. “I don’t know.” 

Soonyoung is gone for about fifteen minutes before people start leaving and Jihoon sits with his mom on a bench, their dad standing before them as they discuss more of the intricate details of the performance and the restaurant they want to go to and a loud American businessman who sat in their wagon on the train to Seoul, but Jihoon cannot focus his thoughts on anything other than Soonyoung. 

Soonyoung returns about ten minutes after everyone has already left and he looks apologetic as hell. 

“Sorry, thank you for waiting…” 

“Is everything alright?” His mom asks first, butting in, and Jihoon nearly scowls at her. 

“Let’s go call a cab, honey,” Jihoon’s dad says. “You two are ready right?” 

“Yes, I’m good to go. Thank you,” Soonyoung says politely and Jihoon’s parents leave to give them a minute. 

For a moment it’s awkward. Jihoon wants to let Soonyoung decide what to say and when. 

“My parents came.” 

Jihoon’s not surprised. “Did they enjoy the show?” 

“Surprisingly yeah,” he smiles and his expression feels lighter than it has ever been when discussing his family. “My dad… He said he always knew I could dance well but he never realized that any dance could be that beautiful. My mom even cried apparently!” He’s smiling so wide he’s nearly shaking. “He said there was a scout sitting in front of them who wrote the most notes for our performance,” he stops himself because he’s getting too emotional, his eyes are tearing up. “Fuck, I’m going to cry aren’t I?” 

“It’s okay, you cry at everything. I’m used to it,” Jihoon smiles gently. 

“Shut up,” he wipes his eyes. “He said that’s when he realized how proud he was of me and he wanted that man to only call me… Then he started asking questions about how much time I have left, how many internships I’ve done and–” he’s full on sobbing and although Jihoon said he’s used to it, he doesn’t know what to do. Usually when Soonyoung cries it’s because of a sad movie but crying like this… There are still people around them, watching warily but Soonyoung clearly doesn’t care. “I never thought I’d hear him say those things, what the fuck…” His hand goes up to cover his eyes and Jihoon forces himself to reach out for once and not care if anyone’s watching, hugging him tight and letting Soonyoung sob fully into his neck. 

“You’re such a crier.” 

“It’s happy tears,” he says wetly and Jihoon hugs him tighter. 

“Good.” 

When he leans away his whole face is red and eyes small and swollen. “Do I look disgusting?”

“No. But you do look like you just cried your eyes out.” 

“Shit,” he sniffs and Jihoon looks in his bag to see if he has any tissues before handing one over to him and Soonyoung blows his nose. “Thanks. Sorry. Wow… Wow I don’t even know what to say really. I feel like a new person. Like… Like the biggest weight has been lifted off my chest I swear I feel like I’m actually breathing.” 

“Are you going to tell Heejin?” 

“I don’t even know if you’re joking.” 

Jihoon frowns. “I wouldn’t about this.” 

Soonyoung’s laugh is watery. “Yeah, of course I will. I’ll include it in my Friday mail,” he says wryly. Since he doesn’t have extra funds to see her properly she lets him text her weekly instead. “They’re staying in town to see my show on Thursday too. They want to meet you.” 

“They asked?” 

“No, I did.” 

Jihoon’s heart stills and he nods finally. “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

Jihoon smiles at him finally and Soonyoung does as well with a sigh of relief. “Let’s go,” he says then. “I’m good now.” For once Soonyoung looks like he really means that.

★

Their February is busy with Jihoon’s new job and Soonyoung’s finals and interviews with companies who scouted him at his shows. A few still asked for both of them together but luckily auditioning just Soonyoung is good enough for them. Even Jihoon’s mom is impressed, she says the companies she would’ve contacted for him already scouted Soonyoung themselves. 

“He’s going to go far,” she promises Jihoon when she hears the names of the companies. “He’s a real star that one. Keep him.” 

Jihoon feels his face heat up and Soonyoung nudges him with his foot, brows wiggling. He reminds himself to never speak to his mom on speaker again. 

“Bye Mom!” 

“Bye. Tell Soonyoung I say hi.” 

“Hi!!” Soonyoung says loudly and Jihoon quickly hangs up. “Hey,” Soonyoung frowns watching Jihoon throw his phone aside to come back to cuddle him properly. 

“You know if you had told me a year ago you would be willingly cuddling up to me, I’d never believe you.”

“And if I would’ve told you that two years ago?” 

“Oh my god never.” 

Jihoon laughs and kisses his neck. 

“Move in with me?” He asks then and before Soonyoung can say anything he continues. “Cheol is moving in with his girlfriend so either I look for two new roommates or we find a place together. Any budget is fine, I can pay most or all–” 

“No.” 

“Just until we get settled. Then when you finish your semester we can split properly again. Please… I don’t want to live with strangers, I want to live with you,” he murmurs into his skin.

“You think acting cute will get you what you want?” 

“Yes.” 

“It’s not that simple.”

“Didn’t we say most things are?” Jihoon smiles at him and Soonyoung sighs but he doesn’t say no. 

★

In the end Soonyoung does move in with him. Jihoon finds a one bedroom apartment on a quiet street in Hongdae that’s close enough to campus and only a twenty minute subway ride to his new workplace. Soonyoung’s parents come to the city to help them move in and Jihoon isn’t too close to them but they welcome him easily into their family that Jihoon almost can’t keep up. 

“Are the Kwons naturally so…” 

“Kind?” Wonwoo offers as he helps him carry the boxes into the elevator while Soonyoung’s dad brings more from the car. 

“Exhausting,” Jihoon says instead and Wonwoo laughs, patting him on the back. 

“You’ll get used to it. Just be open minded.”

Jihoon isn’t really complaining, but there’s a part of him that remembers Soonyoung’s struggle these last few years and if Soonyoung can easily forgive his parents for it Jihoon finds it a little bit harder to. Although he is grateful that they learned to be supportive eventually. 

“You know you also took a while to get around,” Soonyoung tells him that evening. Jihoon guesses as polite as he is, he’s still an open book when it comes to his feelings. “It’s kind of funny, they remind me of myself back in first year when I tried so hard to get to know you.”

Jihoon feels bad. “Am I really that bad?”

“I think it’s almost like a challenge, we must make this tiny angry man like us.” Jihoon shoves him lightly even as Soonyoung is cutting up vegetables for dinner. “Please be careful, I might cut myself.”

“Then don’t call me that.”

“Hmm,” Soonyoung looks at him then kisses the tip of his nose. “Okay. Sorry.”

“Maybe you’re the one who’s evil.”

“Impossible!”

The timer on Jihoon’s phone goes off and he takes the rice off the stove. When he puts it aside, Soonyoung’s hands are around his waist and he’s giving him a wet kiss on his neck. He smells like onions. 

“For what it’s worth,” he says and Jihoon twists to face him. “I think every one of your angry moments was worth it just to get here.”

“You just love being sappy.” 

“I just love you.” Jihoon’s eyes narrow as if waiting for a catch but Soonyoung only grins, looking way too happy. 

“Simple boy.”

“Sure,” he pulls away to continue cutting the vegetables and Jihoon checks on the rice. “You know they’re not bad people just because they were worried for my future.” 

“I didn’t say they’re bad people.” 

“But you’re treating them as if they are.”

“I’m not… It’s just hard to be too friendly when a few months ago I saw your heart breaking at the thought of them even finding out and now they’re suddenly all supportive."

Soonyoung stops cutting and Jihoon knows well that he overstepped.

“I think you of all people know that our attitudes towards people can change and welcoming that change can lead to great things happening.” Jihoon won’t meet his eyes. “And I could treat your parents the same, right? For reducing your potential to your height.” 

“Trust me, even I haven’t forgotten about that,” he mutters, finally looking up at him. 

“Holding grudges isn’t good for your heart.”

“It’s not grudges. Just…” 

“Caution?” 

Jihoon sighs. “Sure.”

“They’re my family.” 

“I’m not judging your behavior towards them, okay? I didn’t mean to come off so aggressive in general. Sorry… I really am happy they warmed up to your decision. It’s your future after all.” 

“No need to apologize.” 

Jihoon is nearly nauseous. How idiotic can he be… How insensitive.

“It’s good, that you have this rational thought. It balances me out. But I think it’s good that I can bring something into that thought process too. Maybe some feelings.” Jihoon nods, ashamed. “Don’t look so down, we’re partners, aren’t we? We help each other find that balance.” 

“Your metaphors…” 

“It’s not just metaphors.” 

Jihoon meets his eyes finally. “Sorry,” he says again. 

“Didn’t I tell you to stop apologizing,” the words are familiar but this time they’re Soonyoung’s and he’s smiling a little as if to laugh at it. 

“You enjoy proving me wrong don’t you?” 

“You weren’t wrong. You’re just… Hard to get through sometimes.”

“Stubborn.” 

“I am too,” he assures. “See? We mix and match.”

Jihoon sighs again, more frustrated. “Get back to cutting already.” 

After dinner they lay in bed the first night in their first apartment just the two of them together and Jihoon peppers kisses across Soonyoung’s chest. 

“I just want you to be happy, okay?” 

“Thank you. I’m very happy.” 

“Good,” Jihoon briefly sucks the center of his chest and then kisses up to his mouth. “You can be as loud as you want here by the way.” 

“Maybe I’ll finally hear you moan anything louder than–” he mimics a high pitched whine and Jihoon pinches him hard for it which gets Soonyoung laughing. “It’s not my fault that’s what you sound like when you try to hold back!” 

“Shut up!” 

“You’re so red,” Soonyoung is cackling and Jihoon shoves his face to the side, pressing. “I’m shoffy,” he tries with his cheeks squished and Jihoon watches him looking back with his cute grin squashed against their pillow, in their bed, in their bedroom, in their apartment, and really Jihoon can’t be mad at all, wondering not for the first time how this same boy caught his eye all these years ago and stayed by his side through everything…

_ “I think you of all people know that our attitudes towards people can change and welcoming that change usually leads to great things happening.” _

“Whaff?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon lets go. 

“I love you,” he says then. “Thank you for putting up with me.” 

Soonyoung leans up on his forearms clearly unsure where this came from. “It’s my pleasure,” he says it like a promise and then his lips tilt up, eyes and smile as warm and welcoming as the first time he introduced himself on that hot summer day. “I love you too.”

★☆♡☆★

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh... i can't believe this whole story ended up being over 100k. what the hellllllll.... i feel like my heart was poured all over this work i know i say that about every fic i write but really it always feels like that so thank you for anyone who has read this fic and commented and kuddoed and messaged me about it i'm always soooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy to know that something i've written can mean anything at all to other people. 
> 
> as always u can hmu on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/aquariusblues_) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/aquariusblues) or comments. any thoughts are always so appreciated. ily.
> 
> thank you so much again for joining me on this ride.. somehow this fic feels very community-like to me... please dont make me explain what i mean. it's too late at night 4 that.. or too early in the morning... idek............
> 
> hope everyone is healthy and happy in these trying times <3 extra huge thanks to pea and sara. i love youuuuuuuuu.
> 
> (ps. in case anyone was wondering the duet songs were a mashup of second life and 247)
> 
> ~☆★


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